Chapter 9

“What’s so interesting outside?”

Meredith pressed her fingertips to the glass. She pretended to catch the raindrops running down the other side of the window. She couldn’t tell Isaac that she hoped to spot whoever it was that might be following her. “The rain. I hate the cold but I love the rain.”

“I hate both.” Isaac rested his napkin on the table. “Six months of harrowing weather and now this. It’s quite the letdown. At least it’s warm outside.”

Isaac had texted her a few days ago asking her about her week. They had sporadically communicated since then, a mix of friendly banter peppered with flirtatious comments.

She had reciprocated his advances, but getting involved with Isaac was an unwelcomed distraction. Meredith wished they had met months ago, before Sofia’s death.

“Perhaps I’m feeling this way because I haven’t come up with a good enough story idea to rival The Raven Room.” She shouldn’t have said that, she realized. It would be foolish of her to diminish her value as a journalist in Isaac’s eyes. “But I’ve been pitching smaller articles to a couple of magazines.” A lie. She hadn’t thought of writing anything else besides her piece on the club.

“The Raven Room is a hell of a story. One of a kind. But you can come up with a sex tips article worthy of Cosmo, I’m sure.”

She wondered if Isaac’s words were an attempt at flirting with her, or if he wanted her to regret her decision to not move ahead with the piece.

“You’re right,” she said, matter of fact. “There’s nothing that I can’t do.”

Isaac smiled. “Never thought otherwise.”

She glanced at her watch. They had been having lunch for two hours. “Are you heading back to the office?”

“I should. But I don’t want to.” They left the restaurant as Isaac spoke, and while he put on his jacket, Meredith looked up and down the sidewalk. There were cars parked on the opposite side of the street and the high number of pedestrians made it hard for her to notice anyone suspicious. The chances of her being harmed in broad daylight, while surrounded by people, were slim, but she still felt uneasy.

“Meredith?”

She faced Isaac. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“What are your plans for this afternoon?”

“I have a seminar.” She searched inside her purse for her cigarettes. She had been smoking a pack a day and, while she wasn’t proud of her vice, they did help her calm down.

“This is me, shamelessly stepping into the role of the bad influencer, but why don’t you skip it?”

She found the cigarette pack empty and a curse escaped her lips. She had smoked her last one before lunch. “Skip it?” she repeated.

“Yeah, let’s spend the rest of the afternoon together.” Isaac opened his umbrella and Meredith leaned closer to him, taking shelter from the rain. “I’d rather spend the rest of the day with you than answer e-mails and sit in a boardroom, pretending to listen to what my coworkers are saying.”

Meredith didn’t need to be persuaded. Her studies had become a burden instead of a priority. “With this weather where would we go?” Isaac’s grin made Meredith pause. “No, we’re not going to your place or mine.” She couldn’t keep a straight face. “Not yet.”

“Do you mean not yet as in, right now, or not yet as in, today?”

Cars drove past them, the sound of rubber tires on the wet pavement muffled their laugher.

“What if I turn out to be shitty in bed?” she teased.

“I can’t tell if you’re joking or being serious.”

Meredith laughed harder at his appalled expression. “What if I’m serious?”

“Impossible. You’re smart, sexy, beautiful, and—”

“I can be all of those things and still under-deliver.”

“I disagree. Good sex is everything but just sex.”

She reached for the zipper of his jacket and unzipped it halfway. Meredith pressed her face to his chest. He didn’t wear cologne and she breathed in his clean scent. She tilted her head up and her lips touched the base of his neck, right above the collar of his shirt. His skin felt warm.

He lowered his lips to her ear. “Right now, I’ll go anywhere with you.”

Meredith felt safe, hiding under Isaac’s large umbrella. She didn’t want to move away from him. But if she didn’t, they would kiss and she would need to find out if his sheets smelled as clean as he did.

“There’s this coffee shop in Wicker Park where you can play old videogames.” She pulled back from him. “They have Mortal Kombat. My favorite. Are you up to getting destroyed?”

“I’ll love every minute of it.”

Twenty-five minutes later they sat at on a small, frayed couch, playing Super Nintendo.

“I won!” Meredith said, clapping her hands.

“I let you win.”

All the triumph vanished. She grew serious. “You did?”

Isaac’s somber expression cracked. “No, I’m fucking with you. You destroyed me fair and square.” He leaned closer to her. “Look around you. What do you see?”

Meredith gave the other occupied couches a sweeping glance. “Geeks?”

“Terrified geeks. You’re like their virtual reality dream girl in the flesh, they don’t know how to act.”

Laughing, she sank into the cushions, her body nestling against Isaac’s. Neither of them made an attempt to move away.

It started to get dark outside, and Meredith wondered if she should leave. Every time she thought about how her every move might be tracked, she felt fear. She didn’t want to be alone.

“There’s this opening coming up at the newspaper for an administrative assistant. Would you be interested?”

She scowled at Isaac.

“Don’t worry, you wouldn’t be reporting to me,” he clarified.

“I have no plans to join the pink ghetto of admin work. Ask me if I’m interested when you have an editorial position available.”

“OK. You said you have other story ideas. I can connect you with people in the industry. It’ll give you an opportunity to pitch the new material.”

She knew she needed to come up with new challenges and continue to work on her career. But a part of her didn’t want to. By abandoning her piece on The Raven Room, Meredith felt like an accomplice in the murder of two women.

Suddenly, it became clear to her—with access to The Raven Room and more knowledge on the murdered women than the police, she found herself in the perfect position to uncover who had killed them. She might not tell Chicagoans about The Raven Room, but by gathering evidence and passing it on to Pam, who could conduct a legal investigation and make an arrest, she could see justice for both Lena and Sofia.

“What are you smiling about?”

“I just realized—”

The sound of her phone ringing interrupted her. She knew who was calling before she even answered it. She had saved Julian’s number under a different ringtone.

“It’s me.”

Hearing Tatiana’s voice surprised her. “Why are you calling me from his phone? What’s going on?”

“Julian. He locked himself in his office. He hasn’t come out since yesterday.”

“Why didn’t you call me sooner?”

“Are you coming over?”

Tatiana sounded worried, and that alone frightened Meredith. “I’m on my way.” She hung up and faced Isaac. “I need to go. There’s something I need to deal with.”

Isaac didn’t hide his disappointment.

“This was the most fun I’ve had in a long time,” she said when they were outside of the coffee shop.

“You sound sincere.”

His words caught her by surprise. “Unlike everything else I said all afternoon?”

Isaac started to speak but then stopped himself. He went quiet.

“Text me when you’re done,” he finally said. “I’m having dinner with two journalist friends visiting from New York. I’d love to introduce you to them.”

The prospect of making new contacts excited Meredith, but her concern over Julian dampened her delight.

She felt Isaac’s stare as she walked away and flagged down a taxi.

• • •

As soon as Meredith entered Julian’s condo, she came face-to-face with Tatiana.

“Has he spoken to you?” Meredith asked, knocking on the locked office door. She waited for Julian to respond.

Tatiana approached her. “What if he hurt himself?”

Meredith remembered the other time she had stood by a locked door, calling out to Julian, demanding to be allowed inside. He had eventually relented, and the state she had found him in had shocked her. She had never contemplated what might have happened to Julian if she had walked away that night, but as she banged her fists on his office door, she feared he might have carried out what she had prevented him from doing then.

“Listen, Julian, I’m out here with Tatiana. If you don’t speak to us, I’ll call 9-1-1. There will be cops all over this place again. This time, I can’t sneak Tatiana out of your condo without being seen.” Meredith rested her forehead on the door. “Please don’t make me do this.”

“You have to call 9-1-1,” Tatiana said.

Meredith looked up at her, conflicted.

“If you don’t, I will,” Tatiana insisted.

She saw true fear in Tatiana’s eyes, and that enraged Meredith. “Julian,” she said as she slammed her fists on the door with renewed urgency. “This isn’t just about you. You lost someone you loved? So did Tatiana.” Meredith kicked the door forcefully. “I’m making sacrifices for you. I’m choosing you over everything else in my life.” The more she spoke the angrier she felt. “Don’t you dare choose your grief over us.”

Tatiana took hold of her arm, stopping Meredith from her continued assault on the door. “Call 9-1-1.”

Meredith ignored her and continued to shout Julian’s name. Her shouting came to an abrupt stop when Tatiana started walking away.

“Wait! Where are you going?”

“I’m calling for help.”

Before she could take another step, Meredith rushed in front of Tatiana. “No.”

“All the pills he takes…what if he’s dying in there?”

Meredith’s growing anxiety, together with the pain of her throbbing hands, left her lost for words. She refused to accept the fact that Tatiana might be right.

“You don’t want to have someone’s death on your conscience. Especially someone you love.” Tatiana reached for Meredith’s purse and took her phone from inside. “Call 9-1-1.”

Tatiana tried to pass her the phone but Meredith didn’t take it.

“I have enough time to get out of here before the cops and the ambulance arrive,” Tatiana continued. “I’ll be fine.” She pushed the phone at Meredith. “Do it.”

“Don’t.”

Julian’s voice, coming from the other side of the door, made them both jump.

“Open up,” Meredith said, her hand turning the doorknob. “Let me in.”

Julian unlocked the door and Meredith pushed inside. Tatiana showed no intention of following her, but she looked relieved.

Meredith suppressed a gasp as she faced Julian. It had been just a couple of days since the last time she had seen him, but while he had looked grief-stricken right after Sofia’s death, he now looked frail. She didn’t know how to react. Of all the emotions coursing through her, one stood out—pity. That wasn’t how she wanted to feel toward Julian.

Deciding not to approach him, Meredith stood with her arms crossed and her back pressed against the wall. “Do you want to talk?”

“There’s nothing to say.” His eyes bored into her. “You don’t want to be here. I can see it.”

She wasn’t going to challenge him. In fact, she’d rather be spending time with Isaac and his journalist friends. “I’m here, regardless,” she replied.

“Let me be, Meredith.”

She saw the pill bottles on the desk. “I know what Olga asked of you.”

Julian stared at her wide-eyed. “How—” His shocked expression morphed into guilt. “Tatiana?”

“Yes, she told me.”

“Do you expect me to deny it?”

“I just want you to know I’m aware of what Olga did.”

Julian lashed out. “Yeah, I had sex with Olga countless times during those two years, and I can’t remember a single time when Tatiana wasn’t there with us.”

With Julian visibly upset, Meredith tried to rein in her emotions—she didn’t want to say anything she might later regret—but when she spoke, her voice carried a hint of recrimination. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’m glad I didn’t. Otherwise, your stepmom would know that, too. Maybe she does now?”

“That’s not fair, Julian.”

“Fair? You lied to me! You betrayed my trust. I thought we—” Julian’s voice cracked and silence filled the room. “It doesn’t matter.”

“How about what I’ve done for you since then? Everything I’m risking for you? I’m on your side, Julian.”

“Having you on my side means nothing to me now.”

It was as if Julian had struck her. “You’re saying that to hurt me. You know what’s really getting to you? That I betrayed you, and even though you wish you didn’t, you need me. You needed me to say I was with you that whole night. You need me to help you hide Tatiana. I’m the only one you have.”

“I can’t stand your selfless act. It’s not who you are.”

“Do you think you’re the only one who’s angry?” Despite her ire, Meredith didn’t raise her voice. “Sofia is dead and Tatiana is here, with no other place where she can hide and no one else she can rely on. And what do you do? You get hooked on prescription pills. You lock yourself up for days, with complete disregard for everyone else.”

“Meredith—”

“I’m afraid you’ll take too many of those pills and never wake up.” As she spoke, she realized her anger sprung from the fear of losing Julian. Suddenly, all her frustration vanished and in its place, she felt sadness.

“I don’t want to hurt myself.”

“You don’t?”

“No. I just want to stop feeling, remembering. All of it.”

“I understand why you didn’t tell me.” Meredith wanted to go up to Julian, wrap her arms around him, let him know that she would protect him from everything and everyone, but she feared he would rebuff her. If that happened, neither of them would forget it.

Julian sat on a chair and buried his face in his hands. Putting her fear aside, Meredith took a step forward to go up to him, but Julian didn’t give her that chance. He stood abruptly and stalked to the window with his back to her.

“We’re angry and disappointed with each other. Where do we go from here, Meredith?” he asked, sounding as lost as she felt.

“I was angry but not anymore. And I’ve never been disappointed with you,” she replied. “Will you stop taking the benzos, will you do that for me?”

Julian turned around and in his eyes she saw that he couldn’t.