Chapter 25

“I’ll go.”

Grace stood in Julian’s kitchen, getting ready to leave Seth and Eli. Julian worried Grace would somehow find out about Tatiana’s presence but he also knew he could use Tatiana’s help when dealing with Seth and Eli; his training as a child psychologist fell short when it came to entertaining and comforting two nineteen-month-old boys. Tatiana appeared to do just fine merely by smiling at them, which secretly irritated Julian.

“Good,” Grace replied. “We’re having dinner at Maggie’s at seven. I’ve heard great things.” She approached Julian and her hands came to rest on his shoulders. “It’s time you and Pete put this squabble to rest.”

“Does Pete know I’ll be joining you?”

“Does it matter?”

“He doesn’t know, does he?”

Grace hesitated. “Of course he does.”

“Don’t lie to me. Please, not you of all people.”

“Pete knows you’re coming.” Grace gave him one of her usual sad smiles. “We both need you back in your lives.”

“I’m already in your life. I’m babysitting Seth and Eli. What difference will it make if Pete and I are on good terms?”

“I want you to come over for holidays and birthdays and dinners. Like before. I want you to be part of our family.”

He wanted to continue to see Seth and Eli. “I’ll do my part.”

“Thank you,” she whispered as she hugged him.

Julian closed his eyes and allowed himself to relax, even if for just a brief instant. He was stunned to find out how much he craved another human being’s touch. His own vulnerability disgusted him.

“How’s the open marriage coming along?” Julian asked, now leaning against the kitchen counter. He put as much space as possible between him and Grace.

“I met this new guy at the gym. We’re seeing each other again this weekend. It’s exciting.”

“Is he in an open relationship as well?”

“He’s single.”

“How does he feel about being involved with someone who has a husband and kids?”

“Well, I haven’t told him yet.”

“C’mon Grace, really? How would you feel if you were in his place and all of a sudden you found out he had a family and he didn’t tell you?”

“We were working out when we met; I didn’t have my wedding band on. Afterwards, I wanted to tell him, I really did, but it never felt like a good time. Then we had sex, and at that point I didn’t know how to tell him. It felt like it was too late.” Grace sighed. “It’s not easy.”

“No, it’s not. But you have to be honest, from the beginning. Discreet, but always honest.”

“When you met Sofia, how did you and Meredith make it work? You two never stopped seeing each other.”

“We were honest.” Sure, they both had kept secrets, Julian rationalized, but not when it came to their sexual life. “Who’ll be watching Seth and Eli tonight while we go out for dinner?” he asked, changing the subject. It pained him to speak about Meredith.

“I’ve left a message with my babysitter. I’ve got a spa appointment with a couple of friends but I’ll stop here afterwards to pick them up on my way home.”

Julian heard a cry coming from outside the kitchen and, as he made his way toward the noise, he wondered what the boys had gotten themselves into.

They were inside a large playpen set up in the middle of the living room, and one of them wanted out. He wasn’t interested in playing with his brother or any of the scattered toys around them.

Julian picked up Eli. “That’s fine,” he said to Grace, who was already getting ready to leave. “Don’t worry about keeping the phone with you. Enjoy the spa. Just text me when you’re on your way.”

“Uh-huh,” she said as she waved goodbye to the boys.

“It’s Sunday morning. Where’s Pete?”

“Tennis, I think,” she answered already from the foyer.

As soon as the door closed, Tatiana entered the living room. “Dinner with Pete and Grace?”

“I don’t have a choice.”

“Sounds like an excuse to me.”

Before Julian could reply, Eli giggled. Tatiana had the boys’ full attention.

“Why are they so enthralled by you?”

“You were so certain it was my wild hair. Not so sure anymore?” Tatiana kneeled on the floor and reached for a toy. She held it in front of Seth, who was quick to grab it. Both she and Seth were now pulling on the toy in a friendly tug of war.

“Do you remember how close we used to be?” she asked. “From the first day you arrived at our home we trusted each other. For no reason at all. But I guess that’s what kids do. Even messed-up ones like us.”

Julian’s happiest memories involved Tatiana. So did his most painful ones. He put Eli inside the playpen with his brother and went into the kitchen. He needed a strong cup of coffee.

“Why are you going to this dinner?” she asked, following him into the kitchen. “Are you doing it for Seth and Eli? Grace, maybe? I thought you were done with Pete.”

Julian opened one of the cupboards, looking for a mug. “Pete has many faults. I know that better than most, but he has been there for me when I needed him. He’s the one who came and took care of you when you were beaten within an inch of your life.”

“That’s not why you’re doing it. Do you feel guilty for fucking his wife?”

“She wasn’t his wife at the time.” Julian filled the electric kettle with water and turned it on. “Not that it makes any difference,” he admitted. “Even if they were broken up, she was still his longtime girlfriend. I knew he loved her.”

“Why did they break up?”

Julian continued to move around the kitchen.

“C’mon, why?’ she insisted. “There isn’t a TV in this damn condo. Entertain me.”

“He cheated on her.”

She lifted herself onto the kitchen counter, sitting between the sink and the stove. “This is better than I expected. She slept with you to get back at him? I would’ve.”

“Grace is not you.”

“If she was, she would’ve dumped Pete for good and would be raising those kids with you paying child support and taking care of them half of the time.”

Julian realized he needed something from the cupboard above Tatiana and couldn’t reach it with her sitting there. “Can you grab the moka pot behind you? As soon as you open the cupboard you will see it. It’s on the first shelf.”

“What’s a moka pot?” She opened the cupboard door. “Is this it?” She grabbed a stovetop coffee maker. “Since when is this a moka pot? You’ve really become fancy, haven’t you?”

“If I had I wouldn’t be making coffee in one of these, would I?” Impatient, he took it from her and filled the aluminum basket with ground coffee beans.

“Anyway, now you’ve got a playpen filled with toys in the middle of your living room. What’s next?”

“I enjoy having Seth and Eli around. They help me…I need them.”

“Do you now regret not claiming paternity when they were born?”

“Pete and Grace had a lot to offer them. I didn’t.”

“Had Pete not been part of the picture you wouldn’t have left them without a dad, regardless if you had anything to offer them or not. You know what it’s like to grow up without one.”

Julian filled the moka pot with the boiling water from the kettle and placed it on one of the stovetop gas burners. He turned it on, keeping the lid of the pot open.

“Of course I would have been there for them,” he said. “Not their fault I was too drunk to use a condom.”

Julian served them both the freshly brewed coffee. He took pleasure feeling the heat of the mug seep into his palm.

“Thanks for getting groceries.”

He took Tatiana’s eagerness to chat as a sign that she felt lonely.

“I didn’t think you had noticed,” he said.

“Once all you have to eat for several days are Oreos and soy milk, you notice when there’s something else in the house.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t do it sooner.”

Tatiana shrugged. “Not your responsibility.”

Before he could move, she put down her mug and jumped off the counter. She grasped the front of his t-shirt and she pulled him toward her. Julian felt the soles of her bare feet step onto the tops of his. Her hands ventured to his shoulders and down his arms. She kissed the spot on his chest, where she had bitten him.

While he struggled to understand Tatiana’s intentions, if he didn’t push her away he knew what he would want and need from her. For that reason alone, Tatiana remained the only person he truly feared.

“Please, Tatiana, don’t.”

She let go of him. Secretly, Julian wished she hadn’t.