Chapter Five
Harrison
I laid in my bed all night without getting a wink of sleep. My head throbbed as I tossed and turned on my mattress, not able to find a comfortable position to sleep in. All I kept thinking about was my baby girl. She was so close to starting her life. Just months away from graduating, then heading out to California to pursue her career.
I glanced at the graduation picture she took just a week ago. She sat in her cap and gown, smiling with the whole world ahead of her. I never thought that I’d be the one burying her. In my mind, she would bury me when the time came. Just beside her picture, the clock on my nightstand read 5 am. Her funeral was later that day, at 1 pm, and ever since she was killed in a car accident, I’d been working like crazy at the office.
Brian would tell me to go home, but I couldn’t. It was the only way I could cope with the thought of Sarah not being here anymore. I had to keep my mind on as many different things as I could in order to keep from drowning in my own tears. I pulled myself out of bed and hopped in the shower, then headed to the office. It was almost 7 am when I showed up, and nobody was scheduled to be there until 10 am.
I grabbed some of the layouts for some contracts we just picked up and went over them with a fine-tooth comb to make sure we had the manpower and equipment we needed to get the project done. As my phone sat on top of my desk, I imagined that Sarah would call as soon as the clock switched to 8 am. I felt my eyes bubbling with tears before I shoved my phone off my desk. The screen cracked when it hit the ground, but I didn’t care. Right now, that was the least of my worries, and I would crack every phone I found if it meant that my daughter would come back in my life.
Before I knew it, hours had passed. I spent my time pacing the office, drinking coffee, and going over assignments until I knew the layouts like the back of my hand. Brian knocked on my door and let himself in as I sat on the couch with my leg propped on top of the other one as I stared out the window. Dark cumulus clouds rolled through the sky like dingy cotton balls as a faint thunder growled from above. “Boss? How long have you been here?”
“Maybe three hours or so. Just had a lot of work that I needed to get done today.”
“A lot of work? Boss,” he closed the door behind him and placed his briefcase on the table, “I said I would handle all of the business for you this week. I know you are going through–”
“I am fine,” I said, interrupting him as I stood to my feet. I walked to the small mirror and straightened my tie. “Besides, there is a lot to do here, you know? I don’t want to put that all on your plate. We just fired the accountant last week, so I have to make sure all of our numbers are still adding up until we can fill the gap.”
“Boss, I got my associate’s in accounting. I told you I could handle that for the time being and I know the contracts. I know what we need. I just don’t want you to overexert yourself. I think you should be resting right now and take the time to grieve.”
I stopped fixing my tie and spun around towards him. He stood by my desk with an expression full of concern. I knew he meant well, but it was just the wrong time. “So, you know what I need? You think you are in a position to tell me what to do?”
He stumbled over his words. “No, boss, I didn’t mean it like that. I was just saying–”
“You were just saying the wrong fucking thing, that’s what, Brian. I didn’t ask for your help! I didn’t ask for any of this shit, but for some reason, you feel the need to give it to me! I’ll tell you what, Brian, the next time you think you can tell me what to do, remember who fucking writes your checks, alright? Think about that shit before you come in here trying to tell me what to do! You got that?! I can handle myself, and I don’t need you or anybody else telling me what I need to be doing right now!”
He stood in front of me like a child being scolded by his parents. He wanted to respond, but I could tell he was biting his tongue. “Get the fuck out, Brian! Just go!” He knocked twice on my desk, then left the room without saying a word to me. I slammed the door behind him, then sat at my desk and buried my head in my hands. I still hadn’t cried at all since Sarah had passed away, and I knew that wasn’t a good thing.
I sat in the office for awhile, quietly, as the rain clouds moved in closer and blanketed the sky like an umbrella. I knew I was going to have to apologize to Brian for how I reacted. He was a good friend and he’d always been there for me through the thick and thin times of our business. Out of everyone I knew, he was the closest person to me, and for a guy who barely had any family out here in Arizona, he was like a brother.
I knocked on his door a few minutes later. He opened it in silence and stood tall on the other side, waiting for me to speak. “I’m sorry, Brian. You didn’t deserve any of that nonsense I spewed out earlier. You are a better man than that, and I just…” I took a deep breath as the reality of what I said to him earlier sunk into my heart. “I’m just dealing with a lot right now. Holding in things and forcing them to come out in different ways. I know–”
“Boss,” he said, interrupting me, “I understand. I know that you are dealing with something right now. Something that I can’t even comprehend myself. I’m sure I’d be snapping out at everyone if I was in your situation, so I get it. It’s alright, man. I’m not holding anything against you.”
He extended his hand towards me. It was a sign to bury the hatchet between us and forget about my little outburst I had just a while ago. I sighed, and then connected my hand with his. “Thank you, brother. That means a lot to me. You are like a brother, and I don’t ever want you to feel like you are less than that. I was just being dumb, man, that’s all.”
“I told you, boss, I understand. No need to apologize anymore. Besides that, my wife has said much worse stuff to me than what came out of your mouth, so if ‘writing my check’ is all you’ve got, then you’ve got a lot of work to do to catch up with her. I’ve been everything from a deadbeat dad to a no-good husband to a pussy, all in the same breath.” He laughed to himself. “So, I’ll be alright. I’ll be alright.”
“Thank you. But, I think I’m gonna take your advice and head on out. The funeral is in a couple of hours, and I just need to take some time to myself before I blow up on another innocent person. Are you sure you’ve got everything under control?”
“I’m positive, boss,” he said proudly. “I’ve got everything under control. You go on home and get some rest or do whatever you need to do before the funeral. I’ll see you there.”
“Thanks, brother. Thanks again.”
“My pleasure.”
He wrapped his arms around me, and for that moment, I felt the loving embrace of a family member that I needed to help me get through this time. After we had released, I headed to the church and sat outside in the parking lot. I didn’t feel the desire to go home because I probably would’ve convinced myself not to come to the funeral. The thought of trying to be consoled by people I hardly knew was enough to drive me crazy. I wasn’t much of a people person, and over time, my introverted personality kept me alienated from many who would’ve otherwise been my friend.
As I sat in the car, drops of rain splashed onto my windshield. I felt that I could walk outside and cry as much as I wanted to, knowing that the rain would make my tears invisible, but I didn’t want to bring myself to that point. I was raised not to shed a tear, and from my childhood, that idea stuck with me. I could count on one hand the number of times I cried out loud, and I couldn’t remember any since I became a teenager.
I thought about reaching out to her mother. Tracking her down somewhere in the world, wherever she was, but that was no use. She probably wouldn’t care one way or the other, and the thought of seeing her would be enough to make me explode. Sarah wouldn’t want that, and she would probably turn over in her grave if I were to do anything crazy that could put myself in jail. So, I felt it was best to keep her away.
The minister greeted me as soon as I stepped inside. His hands were warm; his eyes were soft blue, the color of the sky behind the dark clouds. His beard was thick and full of gray hairs, and his deep voice billowed from like smoke from a chimney. “Mr. Zimmer. How are you doing this morning?”
“About as good as I could be, given the situation.”
“I truly understand that sir, I truly understand. Well, we are here to make this transition for you as easy as possible. Come,” he said, encouraging me to follow him, “let us go to my chamber upstairs. I have breakfast up there. It is not much but a cup of coffee and a few doughnuts.”
“No,” I said, rejecting his offer. “I think I will just stay in the sanctuary for the time being. Just wait for, um,” I hesitated, “just wait for things to get started. I believe the mortuary will be delivering,” I searched for the words again.
“Yes,” he said, picking up on my hesitation, “I understand. Well, go ahead and take your seat in the sanctuary. For the time being, consider this your second home. Relax and let any of us know if you need anything.”
“Thank you.”
He smiled, then went upstairs as I walked into the sanctuary. The large, empty room was intimidating. My footsteps echoed off the walls as I walked to the front of the room and took a seat in one of the pews. It had been a while since I stepped foot in a church, and I never thought that my next time would be for my daughter’s funeral. When I exhaled, the sound bounced off the stained glass windows and the rain outside increased in velocity as it crashed into the top of the building. Lightning pierced the sky above as I sat in silence and dropped my head with a crescent smile on my face. Sarah loved the rain.