Chapter Six
Caroline
Johnathan came with me to Sarah’s funeral. I changed my clothing four times before I left the dorm. I stopped when I was about to change for the fifth time. I realized that I wasn’t doing anything more than stalling. It seemed like if I never showed up to the funeral, it wouldn’t start, and maybe eventually I would wake up from this nightmare before it was too late. As much as I tried to convince myself that reality was fiction, it didn’t work.
“Babe,” Johnathan said as he stood by the door, “are you almost ready? The funeral will be starting in a bit.”
“Don’t call me babe,” I snapped as tears blurred my vision. He stood silently, resting against the door frame, his eyes popped open wide to what I just said. I exhaled. “I’m sorry.” I walked closer to him. “I am sorry. I am just stressed out. I’m an emotional wreck, and I am just snapping at everyone. I snapped at my cousin yesterday, and all she did was call when I was asleep. You can call me babe.”
I wrapped my arms around him, but I could tell he was uneasy. We hadn’t taken it any further than a few dates, and he wanted more, but I just wasn’t ready for anything set in stone yet. I was set to move away to California after graduation, and even though I knew Sarah’s passing could change my plans a bit, I didn’t want to lock myself in a long-distance relationship. “You don’t have to apologize; you are right. You’re not my baby. Right now, we are just friends, and I am doing what a friend should do for another.”
I kissed him on the cheek. “Yeah, but even so, I shouldn’t have said that to you. You are a friend, and you have been the perfect friend to me ever since we met. You didn’t deserve that, and I am sorry.”
“It’s alright.” He smiled. “I’ll be fine, and I’ll be around as long as you need me to be. You are worth waiting for, Caroline. Seriously.”
He was a complete gentleman towards me at all times. We had been friends for the past six months, and we’d never crossed any lines sexually. Sarah would always ask me when I was going to spring him out of the friend zone and let him “pop my cherry,” as she would say, but I wasn’t sure about that idea. My last relationship ended in a shitstorm of hurt and anger almost a year ago, and I wasn’t ready to go down the path again. Not with Johnathan, at least. Maybe things would change down the line, but for right now, I was comfortable keeping him at arm's length from me.
We climbed into his vehicle and headed to the church. I packed my purse with Kleenex before I left, knowing that there was a good chance that I would use every piece inside throughout the course of the service. The rain fell in droves on our way there. I smiled, thinking about how much Sarah enjoyed the rain. She used to go outside in the middle of thunderstorms just to run around and splash in the puddles like she was a little kid. She would try to drag me out there with her, and I only went a few times for the sake of saying I did it.
Her laugh and the way she was so carefree about life are the things I will miss about her the most. I could always go to her when I needed a quick pick-me-up, and she never failed to provide it. She was a party girl, and when we were in high school, she got me into a bit of trouble because I always followed her to late night parties and broke my curfew. My dad would be so upset with me that he’d put me on punishment and forbid me to remain friends with Caroline.
That only lasted for a few days, because after he had gotten over it, he’d always ask about her and wonder why she hadn’t been around for so long. It was hard for me when he passed two and a half years ago, but Caroline was right there every day to make sure I was alright. She spent the night with me and never left my side during the hardest time in my life. It was things like that that separated her from any other friend I’d had before. She was my sister, and I wouldn’t see it any other way.
We finally arrived at the church. The lot was full of cars as Johnathan drove around looking for a place to park. “Caroline, how about I let you out in the front of the church, so you don’t have to walk in the rain.” He stopped in front of the building as I looked towards the door. I squinted my eyes to get a better look, and that is when I noticed him. Her father looked exactly the same way he did when I saw him years ago. My heart sank when I thought about the pain he was feeling right now.
“Alright, Johnathan,” I said as I put my hand on the door. “I’ll wait for you in the lobby.”
“OK.”
I popped the umbrella open and got out of the car as he sputtered around the parking lot. My heartbeat sped up inside of my chest with each step I took through the pouring rain. I avoided a puddle on the way to the steps as Mr. Zimmer stood with his hand out, waiting to help me up. “Thank you, Mr. Zimmer,” I said as we stood beneath the overhang.
“It is my job,” he said with a smile. “It is good to see you, Caroline. I thought that was you coming up the steps, but I wasn’t sure until you got closer. It’s been a little while since I saw you.”
“Yeah, I know. I was in the car and I said the same thing. You… you look exactly the same, though. That helped me identify who you were.”
He placed his hands into his pockets. “Well, I hope that is a good thing.”
“Yes, it is. Trust me, it is. You don’t look your age at all.” I caught myself from saying anything else that would make our conversation awkward. “Um, so, I think it is just sad that we have to see each other again under these circumstances. Sarah. Sarah was my best friend for life. I’ve had a hard week coming to terms with her death, but I can’t imagine what you are feeling.”
He sighed as he looked beyond me towards the parking lot. I could tell he was battling with the wide range of emotions that were bubbling inside of him. It was the same way I felt when my father passed away, but the only difference is that I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I was a big baby for at least the first two weeks. “Yeah, it is rough, I cannot lie about that. But, I am handling it the best way I can.” He fixed his attention on me as the rain crashed onto the top of the porch. “And I know that you lost your father not too long ago, right?”
I sighed. “Yeah. It’s been almost three years, and I still have my moments, but overall, I’m doing much better.”
“That is good, Caroline. I know that time heals all wounds. Some things take a little longer than others, but time does heal all.”
Just then, Johnathan rushed through the rain and climbed the steps. He popped his coat free from raindrops like a wet dog as he stood next to me. “Sheesh, it is pouring. I thought it would let up by now, but here we are.” He looked towards Mr. Zimmer. “Hello, sir; my name is Johnathan.”
He smiled at Mr. Zimmer with an extended hand. “I am Harrison Zimmer. Sarah’s father.”
“Oh, Mr. Zimmer. I am completely sorry for your loss. Sarah was a good girl, and she will be missed a lot.”
“Thank you, Johnathan.”
The rain crashed into the roof in the middle of our silence. Finally, I spoke up, “Well, I guess we should go in and find a seat.”
“Caroline, how about you come up front with me? You and your boyfriend.”
“Um,” I said, interrupting him, “Johnathan is just my friend… and no, we couldn’t sit up front. I mean, that area is reserved for family.”
“Nonsense, Caroline. I won’t hear any of that. You’ve been like family to her ever since you two were young tikes in kindergarten. You belong up there just as much as I do. Come on,” he said, ushering me to follow him.
I looked at Johnathan as he put his hands up. “No, no, you go ahead. You have a reason to go sit up front with the family. I would feel like a fraud if I accompanied you. Go ahead. Just meet me out back once the service is over.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Go ahead.”
He smiled, and with that, I followed Mr. Zimmer into the sanctuary. Various people sat in the pews, watching us as we walked to the front of the church. I recognized a lot of the faces. Some of them were students and friends at ASU; others were professors and counselors. Sarah didn’t have much family out here, but what she lacked with blood, she made up for with friendships. She was one of the most popular girls in school, and it was that way for as long as I could remember.
She was outgoing and never had a problem meeting new people. I was a bit more apprehensive with new relationships, and that explained why I was dragging my feet with Johnathan. As we walked down the middle aisle of the church, I could feel my legs turning to jelly. As my eyes fell onto the casket, I froze in my steps. It was like I had stepped in wet cement, and it hardened in a matter of moments. My breathing intensified as the reality of Sarah’s death sunk in further. I braced myself on the end of one of the pews as a sharp pain penetrated my chest.
Mr. Zimmer spun around and saw me struggling to take another step, and before anyone else could help, he grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him. My head rested on his hardened chest as I used him for support to walk down the rest of the aisle. “Everything is going to be alright,” he said confidently as we got to our seats in the front.
I wiped tears from my eyes and nodded my head. I couldn’t speak because I knew that nothing but cries would fall out of my mouth in the place of words. We sat down in the front pew, and he kept his arm draped around me like a blanket as I struggled to look at the casket. I knew her lifeless body was lying in there, and the thought of this moment being the last time I saw her body would be too much to bear. I was thankful that Mr. Zimmer was here for me, though. I wouldn’t have been able to show this much vulnerability if Johnathan was beside me. There was something about Mr. Zimmer that allowed me to relax and not worry about anything else. I hadn’t felt anything like this in years. I glanced towards the back of the sanctuary and made eye contact with Johnathan. His scowl quickly transitioned to a smile once he noticed I was looking his way.