Chapter Eleven
Harrison
The steam billowed from my coffee like a smoky chimney as I sat in the front room watching a blank television screen with a newspaper spread open on the table. My cell phone sat just to the side, and in the back of my mind, I still hoped that it would ring and I would hear Sarah’s voice on the other end. I didn’t know how much longer my hopes would torment me, because no matter what, I would never be able to change the reality of what happened. My baby girl was gone. With a deep sigh, I reached forward to grab my phone and flipped through my voicemails.
I landed on one that she left seven months ago. “Hey, diggity, diggity, Daaaaddy! What in God’s name are you doing?! I just called you one minute ago, right when you told me to call you back, but you are not answering! I hate when you do that… and then you have the nerve to get mad at me when I don’t answer. Anyways… I told Caroline that I wouldn’t tell you this, but that girl thinks you are a hunk. Every time I get on the phone with you, she is begging me to FaceTime so she can see you. She is sooooo annoying, but she’s a good girl, though, and maybe in another lifetime, I could actually see you two together. I know, it’s weird, huh? Anyways. Call me back because I know you aren’t doing anything except running a six-figure business.”
She giggled. Her laughter was like a sweet fragrance from roses on a spring morning. I fought back the tears as she continued, “I love you, Dad, and if I don’t answer, it is because I am in class. We both know that you are getting old and you’ll be senile any moment and you’re going to need somebody to run your business, you know? Since you will barely be able to remember your own name.” She laughed again. “Love you. Bye.”
I waited until the phone clicked before I hung up. I listened to her voicemails at least a few times a week. It felt like those messages were the only thing that I had to keep her presence around me. I folded the newspaper closed, grabbed my coffee, and made my way to her room. As soon as the door opened, a calm peacefulness rested in the air. Everything in her room was exactly how she’d left it. I told myself a thousand times that I was going to clean it out and give away her clothing, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As time passed, I started to realize that her room was more than just a room to me. It was a memorial. It was her gravesite right here in my home.
I walked to the pictures that were scattered in frames along the surface of her dresser. The majority of the photos were taken with Caroline. I leaned forward to get a better look at them. The first picture showed the two of them with their arms around each other. They looked to be in third grade at the time. Both had snaggle-toothed smiles and long hair. I smiled thinking of the time she told me that her front tooth was coming out. When I put a dollar under her pillow, she woke up the next morning pouting because it wasn’t enough. “Caroline got 10 bucks for her tooth, and I only get a dollar! The tooth fairy is cheap here!”
I ended up sliding a $20 bill under her pillow that same night with a note that read, “Sorry, Sarah, the tooth fairy made a mistake. Please forgive me.” That was one thing I loved about her the most: she wasn’t afraid to speak her mind at any time. The picture right beside that showed the two of them in high school. They were growing into beautiful young women. They dressed just alike, and for the most part, I could hardly tell the two of them apart. My Sarah had gotten Caroline into trouble more times than not, and I hated that my sweetheart was the one to stir up trouble, but she couldn’t help it. She had so many traits that were similar to her mother, and at times, all I could do was shake my head.
Caroline did a lot to settle her down, though, and I believe that if it wasn’t for her friendship, Sarah might have done something far worse than the normal, reckless adolescent behavior. On the furthest to the right, a picture of the two of them during their college days. They were mature. Makeup covering their faces and eyebrows freshly arched. I grabbed the picture and held it in my hand. I couldn’t do a thing but shake my head at the fact that I would never see Sarah face-to-face again. I switched my attention from her to Caroline. She had a crescent smile. Her hand was on her hip like a teapot handle. In my brokenness, I found comfort in her gaze. Something told me that she understood what I was going through and she would be there to help me through it. I couldn’t explain the connection I felt with her at that moment, and I didn’t want to. Sometimes, things just felt perfect, but in the back of my mind, I couldn’t shake the idea that what I felt was wrong. This is my daughter’s best friend, and that was a line that I wouldn’t cross if she was alive, but now that she was gone, I felt solace in Caroline’s eyes. I exhaled, then placed the picture back on her dresser and walked out of the room. I had a long day ahead of me.
As soon as I got to work, Brian was in my office, dropping off a small stack of papers. I tossed my jacket onto the rack. “Boss, how are you feeling today?” The sun beamed through the large window in my office as I headed towards the desk.
“I’m as good as I can be, I guess.”
“Yeah, I understand. Honestly, I didn’t expect you to be in today. I dropped these papers off with the expectation that I wouldn’t see you for a few more days since I am heading to California for that meeting.”
“Yeah,” I took a seat at my desk and scanned over the papers. “But you know me. It’s best for me to come into the office and stay busy rather than sit somewhere and allow my emotions to get the best of me.”
He sat down in a chair right in front of my desk. “Yeah, I hear ya, I hear ya.'” Silence sat between us like cigarette smoke before Brian spoke up again. “So, yeah, that California meeting. I am looking forward to that, boss.” He reclined in his chair and propped his leg over the other. “I always say, ‘if we get this one account, we will be set’ and then we get that account, only for me to say the same thing a month later.” He laughed. “I guess this is what things look like when business is booming.”
I flipped through the papers, barely paying attention to anything he said. In my mind, images of Sarah and Caroline floated around like bittersweet memories. Sarah was gone, but it felt that there was a magnetic pull drawing me closer to Caroline. I couldn’t shake the idea of her comforting me out of my mind. “Boss?” Brian said, snapping the images out of my mind in a flash. “Did you hear me?”
I put the papers down and glanced at him. The beam of sunlight shot to his left like a spotlight. “I’m sorry, Brian, I think I’ve got too many things on my mind right now. You were talking about Caroline, right?”
He smiled. “Close. California. Caroline is the new accountant you hired.” He put his feet flat on the ground and rested his elbows on his knees. His gaze was fixed directly upon me. “Boss, now, you know I see a lot. I am very vigilant at times, and honestly, I’ve seen the way you looked at Caroline.”
My eyebrows furrowed. “What? Don’t be ridiculous, Brian.”
“Come on, man,” he said, laughing. “You can be honest with me. The woman is smoking, and that is clear. Nice body, cute face… I mean, she looks like the type that would catch your attention on any given day. Now, I know that Sarah just–”
“Brian. That is enough.”
“Boss, I was just–”
“Brian…”
“–saying that you should be careful because you could find yourself–”
I slammed my fist into the desk. The vibration rattled the plastic shelves on the surface and caused my pendulum to shake. “I said, that is enough. I do not want you speaking about Sarah or Caroline. I know what it looks like, but before you go and start making assumptions, you should probably get a better hold on the truth. Caroline is just… she is just a friend, and that is it. And, as a friend of my daughter’s, I am helping her out in her career. That’s it.”
His eyebrows raised in the middle of his forehead. His head shifted to the right as if he was examining the dust particles that drifted around in the sunlight. “Alright, boss,” he said without making eye contact. He stood up, gathered his things, and headed for the door just as my phone rang. I massaged my temples as he closed the door behind him. I hated myself for snapping at him like that. I wanted to apologize before he left, but I couldn’t find the words. I would have to do it later. “Hello?”
“Harrison? Hi. I was just calling to remind you about tomorrow.”
Her voice lured me out of my moment of despair. “Yes,” I said, smiling. “Tomorrow. Of course. How could I forget?”
“Right. Well, I was just making sure that we were still on. I am kind of looking forward to it.”
“Yes, so am I. So… Will I see you tomorrow? Around 7-ish?”
“Sounds good. See you then.”
“OK.”
She hung up the phone as I thought about Brian’s words. He was right. Maybe I was using her to somehow help cope with the death of my daughter. He didn’t say it, but I knew that is where he was going, and I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted things to keep going the way they were going, because for right now, Caroline was the only person in the world who could help me cope with such a devastating loss, and I didn’t want to disrupt our connection, whether it was right or wrong.