Chapter 21
Dancer
I don’t want to say I ran out of there, but I walked fast. I don’t look back. I’m mad, not so much at Dragon—more at the world. I knew what was coming and I knew I didn’t want to hear what Dragon had to say. I knew I couldn’t handle it. I should have turned and left immediately. Why the fuck didn’t I leave?
I jump on my bike and point it towards Pussy’s. I should go home to Carrie. I should, but I can’t. I need to get lost in a bottle. I can’t stand her eyes looking at me in sadness and disappointment. I’ve disappointed her way too much.
My drive there is quick. I drive hard and fast, letting the cold air hit my face. I welcome the sting and the numbness it eventually brings. I curse the tears I feel hitting my face. Men do not cry. Real men! Strong men! I don’t feel strong. Hell, I’m not strong. Things like what happened to me, they don’t happen to strong men. I scream out into the night air. It doesn’t help—not one damn bit.
I grab a seat at the bar and proceed to lose myself. People seem to be giving me a wide berth, I’m glad. Six, is working as a bartender tonight, he nods, but doesn’t speak. Does he know too? Did Dragon tell all the men? My hand shakes in fear at the thought. I don’t want anyone to know. I can’t handle anyone knowing. I want to kill Dragon for knowing. I wrap my hand around the shot glass. I hold it tight to hide the visible signs of the hell I’m going through.
I’ve never been able to say the word out loud—not once. I’ve tried, but giving voice to the word is like giving it life—giving it control. I was attacked? That’s easy. I was beaten? Still, no problem. Yet, saying aloud the ugly words, the more ‘real’ words is impossible. One word keeps repeating over and over in my brain. The mere thought of it feels as if my insides are on fire and I’m going to be devoured by the flames and burned alive. Rape! I’ve been… raped!
Rape is something that happens to the weak. To women who can’t protect themselves. It does not happen to men. It sure as hell doesn’t happen to strong men, men who are able to take care of themselves. It doesn’t happen to men who can protect people they care about.
I was raped!
I leave the glass behind and just grab the bottle, taking a swig out of it. Carrie wants to hitch her wagon to me. She wants me, but how can she want the man I really am? How much would her love turn to disgust if she knew the truth? I should tell her. I should tell her and end this fucking fairytale she’s concocted in her head.
*
I’ve been here awhile now. I couldn’t tell you how long. I really couldn’t. It’s a blur. Time ceased to exist half a bottle ago. I want to be back in bed with Carrie. I want to lie next to her and listen to her breathe and forget, if only for a minute. That’s another weakness I guess. A real man wouldn’t crave escape, he wouldn’t need to pretend.
“Dance man, how about I take you home?” I look up to see Crush standing beside me.
“No thanks,” I say. My words sound off to me, but I don’t really care.
“Man, Carrie’s worried about you. Let’s get you home and you can sleep it off.”
“Carrie, always fucking Carrie,” I growl out, reaching for another drink, but the bottle is empty now. When did that happen?
“C’mon Dance, your head is all fucked up. Let’s get you home so you can sleep it off. Things will look better in the morning, they always do.”
“They don’t. Trust me Crusher, sometimes things are much fucking worse in the morning. You got a woman?”
“Not on most days.”
“Don’t fucking get one, they don’t stop until they ruin your life. They bat their eyes and smile at you and think you should just drop to your knees in front of them. Don’t fucking get a woman, Crusher.”
“Dance, man I happen to like getting on my knees for a woman.”
“Then get a pussy. Pussy is free. Pussy is easy. HEY! This man needs pussy! Who’s going to help him out?”
Crusher snorts and helps to steady me as I get up. The room sways, but eventually comes to a stop.
“Don’t worry, Crusher. You’ll get all kinds of pussy now. Women run to a man with a dick because they think they can sink their claws into him. They want to make us into some kind of hero who can do anything. It’s crazy.”
“C’mon let’s get you in the cage.”
“Cars are not cages. I have been in a fucking cage, not the same man. It’s not the same.”
“Yeah brother, you’re right. Let’s get you in the car.”
I stare at the black suburban in front of me. How’d we get outside? Fuck if I know at this point. I see fucking Bull sitting in the passenger side, so I slide in the back when Crusher opens the door. I almost fall out again, but Crusher holds onto my shoulder until I steady myself. I look across from me and Carrie is watching me. I don’t know why she’s here, but the look on her face is one I do not like. I have disappointed her yet again. Didn’t I warn her? I am not a man to hang your hat on. I never have been.
“What’s wrong, Princess? Starting to see what I warned you about? Not liking what you see? Tell me Princess, what are you staring at?”
“Nothing, Jacob. Let’s just get home.”
“Home? We don’t have a home. I’m not cut out for a white picket fence and a home.”
She doesn’t reply and it pisses me off. She pisses me off. This whole fucking mess pisses me off.
“I keep telling you I’m not Prince Charming in your story, Princess. I didn’t leave one prison, just to be trapped in another.”
“Dance man, shut the fuck up,” Bull growls from the front passenger seat. Figures that where Carrie was, Bull would try and follow.
“Of course you’d be here. You just can’t stay away from her, can you? I got news for you brother, I already got in there. You don’t have a chance. She’s mine now. I showed her what real men do. Had her screaming in pleasure. She’s so loud, I thought the neighbors would call 911. Ain’t that right, Carrie?”
Carrie doesn’t respond, not that I expected her to. I know I’m being an ass, but I can’t stop myself.
“If you weren’t drunk off your ass and a pathetic waste, I’d end you. Now shut the fuck up,” Bull growls not bothering to look at me. Which again, fucking pisses me off. Who the hell does he think he is?
“Got to tell you man. It was sweet. Thought she was going to break my dick off she was riding it so hard. Bitch loves my cock. I gave her…”
Slap!
The sting of a hand smacking across my face is so hard that my jaw burns like fire. I stop mid-sentence, turning sideways to look at Carrie. She’s sitting beside me and I can’t really say what the look on her face is. The tears on her cheeks though? That’s fucking familiar. My hand goes up to where she slapped me. The skin is hot to the touch. I turn away from her tears. I turn away from the anger I see in those green eyes.
I turn away.