Chapter 19
Carrie
It is weak, I admit it. I lean against the bathroom door, until I hear Jacob’s bike start up and become a distant rumble. I run a bath with hot, hot water and slide inside. I wash every inch of my skin, needing to feel less used. I hold it together, until the hot water becomes less than lukewarm and then, my tears fall.
I don’t know how long I cried. It could have been ten minutes—it could have been an hour. I’d probably still be lost, except for the touch on my shoulder. I gasp in surprise. Nicole is looking down at me, with a sad look on her face.
“Let’s get you out of here, before you prune up,” she says. Proof she has been here for a while, she is holding a big bath towel out to me.
I wrap up in the towel and let her lead me back to the bedroom. She has stripped the bed and put clean sheets on it. I’m a little sad because those sheets smelled like Jacob. I might be hurting, but if I could wrap up in his scent and just pretend it was all okay for the night? Just pretend long enough to sleep? I’d be okay with that.
“I found your pajamas. Dry off and put them on and I’ll brush your hair.”
“You don’t have to…”
“Shush, you need a friend and I’ve decided it is going to be me. So suck it up and do as I say. I’ll go get you something to drink.”
“How do you know?” I question, not able to voice the whole question. I’m not sure I want to face or process what has happened.
“Dragon told me.”
“Of course he did, I guess everyone knows now.”
“Only me, and shame on you for thinking Dragon would ever do something like that.”
“I didn’t really. I figured Jacob has already told the world.”
I notice she doesn’t argue with that. Probably, because she knows I’m right.
“What do you want to drink?” She asks, going to the door.
“Getting drunk sounds appealing right now and don’t try to tell me I’m underage,” I mumble. I don’t need to be told I’m a child. I am adult even if I don’t feel equipped to handle this situation with Jacob.
“Brandy it is,” she mumbles.
I dry off, and slip on the clothes she laid out. Then, I crawl under the covers. I lay my head on the pillow and mourn the fact that it no longer smells of Jacob. I grab the other one and hold it close to my stomach, hugging it.
I have no idea where to go from here. I’m not ready to give up, but suddenly I’m seeing this may be a bigger job than I first imagined.
“Here, sit up and take a drink of this. We need to brush your hair.”
“I don’t want to, I just want to go to sleep,” I say honestly.
“Drink and hush,” she bosses placing the drink in my hands. I take a sip, grimacing at the obvious dark taste of alcohol.
“Do you want to talk about it?” She asks angling behind me. I guess I’m getting my hair brushed, whether I want it or not. I take another drink.
“No.”
“I warned you it wasn’t going to be easy,” she says while she runs a brush through my curls.
“I think you possibly understated that,” I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
Nicole makes a sound close to a snort, agreeing with me. It’s probably more of an I told you so, because she did. She absolutely did and it is the reason I’m here now and not half way to Georgia, or hell anywhere else. Here is being in Jacob’s bed, with my heart ripped out while he tosses out facts about my virginity.
I’m mad at myself because I’m still in his bed. I didn’t throw things at him, throw him out or anything! Instead I cried, while he left like hell’s fire was nipping at his heels. Worse, I’m still missing him. When did I become such a doormat?
“You’re not a doormat.”
Shit, I didn’t realize I said that out loud.
“I am, but I deserve to be. I’m the reason Jacob killed that man. I’m the reason he was put in jail. I’m the reason he was there and was…attacked.”
My voice breaks on the last note. I can’t bring myself to say raped. It keeps screaming in my brain, but I can’t give voice to it.
“Carrie…”
“It’s true, Nicole,” I say, swallowing the last of my drink and reaching over to put it on the table. “It’s my fault, all of it.”
“Bullshit! Jacob’s a grown ass man. He did what he did and you can’t take the guilt of that.”
“Guilt. God, there’s so much guilt. Jacob has so much he can’t breathe. I have so much it hurts to breathe. How can that ever work out Nicole? I think you’re wrong. I’m not the person to save Jacob. I’m too clueless to help him.”
Nicole is silent. She stops brushing my hair and instead I can feel her braiding it. It feels nice, relaxing even. I close my eyes, wishing I could still the thoughts in my brain.
“I wasn’t wrong. Dancer’s already let you in more than he has anyone else—so I wasn’t wrong.”
“But?” I ask, because I can hear a but.
“You have to decide if you’re strong enough to see this through, because I’m not going to lie, I think this might be small compared to some of the hits you may take.”
Am I strong enough?
“Was it worth it for you?” I ask. She’s finished with my hair and we’re both quiet, like we’re afraid to move.
“It is different for me. I love the person involved, but I’m not in love with them. The attacks…they aren’t personal so they don’t cut as deep as the ones you’re taking, Carrie.”
“Even when it’s good, there are still…things that keep it from being what it should be, Nicole,” I confess, like it’s a dirty little secret. It hurts that I couldn’t hold Jacob while we made love. It cuts that I couldn’t hold him close and love him the way I have dreamed of for years.
“I know, baby,” She says, only she doesn’t—not really.
“I’m so tired,” I say for no reason in particular, just that I am. I am bone-deep tired. I think if I managed to shut my brain down and go to sleep, I’d sleep for days, weeks even.
“There’s something else I know,” Nicole says getting off the bed and picking up the towel I had used.
“What’s that?” I ask not really caring. I lay back down against the pillow now that Nicole has left the bed.
“If the roles were reversed and it was me and Dragon? I’d fight so fucking hard to pull him out of the hell he was in. I’d fight with everything I had and I wouldn’t give up no matter what. I’d fight with my last dying breath, Carrie.”
“Dragon loves you,” I answer. If Jacob loved me, I’d never waiver. I don’t have the security of that, I don’t think I ever will and that’s where the problem lies.
“True, but I love Dragon. I love him so much that I’d fight just for the chance that someday he’d be happy. You need to decide if you love Jacob that much, or if everyone and their mothers are right and you’re too young to know that kind of love.”
“They think I’m too young?” I ask, hurt but annoyed because it seems I’ve been the topic of conversation among the Savage MC compound.
“Why do you think they moved you away from the parties and things? They see you as a young kid sister they need to protect. Hell Crusher even lets you call him by a name he hates.”
“They don’t,” I argue, though warmth fills me at the thought of these tough men thinking of me as family.
“Yeah, you’re right,” she says and damn there goes that feeling of belonging out the window. “Bull absolutely does not think of you as a sister.”
Yeah, I’m not going there.
“Turn the light out, I need to sleep,” I say rolling over on my side and curling back into Jacob’s pillow.
“Just saying, hooking yourself up to Bull’s wagon would definitely be easier and he’d be good to you.”
“He’s not Jacob,” I whisper the sad truth, “I don’t want anyone but Jacob.”
“That’s how I knew Dragon was the one for me, Carrie.”
I sigh, my brain is on overload.
“Do you know, I’m not that much older than you are?”
I did. I don’t say anything.
“I have a brother. No one knows that. He’s actually a half-brother, who is ten years older than I am. A brother and we never talk, ever.”
“I…” Nicole goes on before I have a chance to say anything.
“He’s thirty-five years old and all he can do is drink and make mess after mess. My father always bails him out. Me, they refuse to talk to. Even when I sent word they were going to be grandparents, they wouldn’t talk. They’re older, my brother is older.”
“Nicole…”
“My point Care Bear, is that age is just a number. When I look at you I don’t see a young girl who doesn’t know her mind. I see a woman who has survived. I see a woman who is in love.”
“Care Bear?” I ask, my heart feeling a little lighter.
“Dragon says he heard Dancer call you that. I like it. It fits you.”
I don’t reply and she must give up, because she turns out the light. I hear the squeak of the door.
“Nicole?”
“Yeah?”
“I won’t give up.”
“I never thought you would. Take a nap, I’ll be out here with Bull if you need me.”
“What was all of this?”
“Even strong women need a kick in the pants.”
“So you just kicked me?”
“You’re welcome,” she says and I hear the door close.
I fall asleep with a smile on my lips for some reason.