Chapter 30
Carrie
I am lying in bed as the front door closes. Jacob’s headed to the club. He thinks I’m clueless to the secrets he’s keeping. I’m not. I know he’s not sleeping when he’s in our bed. Worse, the therapist called the house a couple of weeks ago wondering if Jacob had found other services. He had missed his scheduled appointments and failed to respond to their calls and letters. He’s been lying to me, saying he’s going to therapy.
I need to talk to him about all of this. I’ve been afraid to rock the boat, so I’ve let it go. I let a lot of things go. Most notably the fact that I am pregnant. I went to the doctor yesterday. I thought I had a vitamin problem because I’m just so tired all the time. I’m not. I’m pregnant. I. Am. Pregnant.
Yeah I keep telling myself that over and over and it’s still not totally sinking in. My hand moves over my stomach which is still flat of course, but I swear I can almost feel a warmth that has never been there before. I have Jacob’s baby inside of me. Jacob’s baby! I don’t know anything about being a mom. I don’t even have my mom to lean on to show me the ropes. I’m scared.
I lock down that thought before it blossoms. I’ve done that since my parents died. I can’t think about it, not right now. I can’t handle it! I’ll tackle it all later. That’s been my motto. At first it was, I’ll deal with it all after Dragon finds the man who hurt us. Now it’s after I get everything better with Jacob. I know it’s not healthy. I do. I just can’t seem to stop myself.
Like right now. I’m terrified of how Jacob will react. I should have told him the truth yesterday. I couldn’t bring myself to. I love him. I love him completely. These last six weeks have been the best in my life, even with all the other stuff going on around us. I don’t want to lose him and I’m terrified this might do it. Jacob hasn’t mentioned the future. I know he wants me with him. I feel like I’m helping him. He’s more open with me than I imagined he would be. He doesn’t say, but I know he wants to hear me tell him I love him. He gets this look in his eyes when I give him the words. I can’t explain it, but it feels like for a minute or two I might bring him peace and I want that. I want to do that for him.
I get up, shower and let thoughts run through my brain while I wash my hair. I could go to the garage and surprise Jacob. The Tahoe is out there. Jacob insists I keep one to get around during the day. I should buy a car. I have all this money just sitting in an account that I haven’t really touched. It was my parents but using the money somehow makes their deaths seem real. Which is stupid, you can’t get any more real than dead. Still, that’s what I think about every time I start to spend it.
I should take lessons from Nicole or Dani when dealing with this stuff. I want to be Jacob’s for life, not just for now. I didn’t think that was possible, but it’s been months since we first made love and it has been six weeks since we’ve been completely together, so I’m starting to hope. That’s nothing to sneeze at right? Surely in all that time I’ve come to mean something to Jacob. A man like that doesn’t just come home to one woman—the same woman, unless she’s special. I may be new to all this, but I have read a lot and I’ve seen how Nicole and Dragon are with each other and even Six and Vida (it’s getting harder and harder to think of her as Lips).
I should take a page out of Nicole’s book. She wouldn’t hide this and worry about how Dragon would react. She would face it all head on. I need to do that. If I am going to be the woman of a Savage MC member I need to start facing things and not hiding from them.
Decision made, I finish my shower and head downstairs to find something to eat. I grab a quick piece of toast and juice. I’m not a breakfast person, but that seems like something an expectant mother should do. I go a step further and make a basket of tuna salad sandwiches, chips and pickles for lunch. Not gourmet, but it works and Jacob and I can spend lunch together.
The only moment of indecision I have is dressing. Jacob made a comment about my jeans yesterday. I think he liked them and I do love being on his bike. Still, dresses are who I am and they are comfortable. Plus, I don’t know, maybe it’s good to have something loose against my stomach? I have no idea. I make a note to stop by the bookstore in town on the way and grab that pregnancy book the doctor recommended.
I finally decide to put on my sage green sundress with the little pink roses on it. Jacob likes it. Well, he liked taking it off of me the last time I wore it.
I make it to the club around noon and head straight for the garage that Jacob has been working in. Freak is standing out front talking with Nikki and Frog.
“Hey, Red. What are you doing here looking so gorgeous? Dancer ever drops the ball baby you’re going to have to give me a chance,” Frog says with this big smile. I shake my head at his words, but laugh when Freak slaps him on the back of the head.
“Ignore him Red, he forgot his brains in his ass. You lookin’ for Dance?”
“Yeah I thought I might steal him away for lunch.”
“He just took a break from work. You can catch him in the club though.”
I smile, trying to hold on to the courage that brought me here. Nikki might have seen I was wavering, even if she didn’t know what was going on, because she grabs my hand.
“We’ll go in together. I need to check with Nicole on something.”
Freak pulls her back to him before we can leave and slams his lips against hers in a kiss that is so intense and carnal you can feel the heat just from watching it.
“Behave yourself, stud,” Nikki breathes against his lips when they break apart.
“Remember my promise, woman.”
Nikki licks her lips, but doesn’t say anything else. I bite my tongue to keep from asking what the promise was!
Then she grabs my hand and pulls me along to the club.
“Things seem to be going good with Freak.”
“Girl, you have no idea. I’ll tell you some time though, just bring a fan,” she says with a laugh, wiggling her eyebrows in mock suggestion. We’re both laughing as we open the doors.
It takes a minute for my eyes to adjust from the bright sunshine to the darkness of the room. When it does, the laughter clogs in my throat.
Jacob is sitting at the bar with Tash, a club Twinkie in his lap. They’re laughing. Her hand is playing with his hair while she drags a finger down the side of his face teasing his lips. She’s dressed like the Twinkies always are, almost naked. Today though her white, see-through shirt and clearly no bra or panties, seems worse. It is worse, because she’s in the lap of my man. She’s in his lap and he’s not pushing her away. Instead his hand is on her thigh. Sure the shirt is between his touch and her skin, but he is holding her thigh! He is letting her sit in his lap! He is…laughing with her! I thought I was the only one who made him laugh! I thought I was…the only one.
Something inside of me screams, no and then I hear his words. I hear him talking about something that should be private. I hear him talking about me, about us. I hear him and just like that my new found will to face things head on and be stronger crumbles around me.