“More, Selena.”

It was the first thing I heard, but as I looked down at child-sized me, it didn’t look like she had much more to give. Dreamland. Again.

“That was quite the little stunt we pulled back there. What do they call it? Cool? It was so cool.”

I faced my violet-eyed other, groaning internally. Of course she’s here.

“Where else would I be?” she asked.

“You can hear my thoughts?” I yelled internally. What the hell was this?

“Well, we are kind of the same person, so...”

“We are not,” I said, turning away from my overtly creepy other.

This time she basked on the roof wearing nothing but a corset and underwear. Her pointed teeth reflected in the sunlight, and her hair was way too done up for my liking.

“Dislike me all you want. It’s not going to change anything. It’s me and you for life,” she said, crossing her fingers mockingly.

Bitch. We’re nothing alike.

“We are in all the ways that matter,” she said.

I wasted no time jumping from the roof to the scene below, ignoring my other and getting closer to child-me. I was older in this dream, harder already. My knuckles were calloused, and black energy swirled under my skin, almost like Lily’s did now, in the real world. Whatever childlike curiosity I’d had was long gone. At barely five feet tall, I was already a soldier. But I wasn’t the only one. On the other side of my father was Alexandra, her red hair bound tightly to her head in warrior braids. The whip in her hand already had blood on it.

What’s going on here?

“Do you really want to remember?” my other said. She’d followed me off the roof.

Something about the way she said it caught me off guard. “What are you talking about?”

She snorted. I wasn’t imagining it this time. She wasn’t acting like the boogeyman here. She was acting…real.

“That’s because I am real,” she sneered.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to the scene.

“Again!” my father shouted. He had a short beard, and he was thinner than I remembered. I couldn’t recall a time when he wasn’t clean shaven, but Alexandra being here meant we were nine. Father hadn’t let her practice with us until she’d manifested, and that was only a year before they’d died.

Not that this is real, I reminded myself.

“Just keep telling yourself that,” my other said. She was the only one who seemed to be able to communicate with me here. Why was that? Rocks started rattling, drawing my attention back to the false memory.

One by one, the rocks came up, flying toward my father and sister. He was fast, though, deflecting them like they were nothing, but child-me wasn’t giving up so easily. The ground beneath their feet rumbled as the earth split in two.

“Better, but not enough. I said more!” he shouted, and my head whipped around just fast enough to watch a spark of fire light in child-me’s eyes.

The rumbling continued as fissures opened and the ground collapsed in on itself. My sister looked terrified, but not me. Oh no, even as a child I’d known what I was doing, and it didn’t matter that my nose had started to bleed. Child-me didn’t care, as long as he didn’t get through. My father sent a warning shot at my shield, a silent command of pain that only a telepath could give—but this time, my shield held. I would never forget this moment, when my father watched me bleed from harnessing too much power—and did nothing. Even as a kid, I was losing myself to whatever blasted curse Nyx had given me.

But this is dreamland, I reminded myself as nine-year-old Selena battled burnout. Despite it, child-me sent a wave of darkness for him and my sister the moment they turned away. He must’ve sensed it coming, though, because his next command made me want to hurl.

“Now, Alexandra,” he yelled.

I gave child-me credit for not wincing when the wave of fire came for me out of nowhere, only to clash with my wall of swirling energy. She didn’t falter when my sister whipped her mercilessly until she collapsed. Showed no fear when my sister spoke the words he’d been teaching her for months now. The words he’d conditioned me with.

In case I ever got out of control.

It was my switch, but only two people in my life knew how to flip it.

“Dormi, dea, propter manicaveris.”

Sleep, little goddess, for you must rise with the dawn.

I remembered thinking even then that one day I would rise. Like the matter manipulators of legend. Like the telekinetics who’d died. I would be stronger.

I would be the strongest.

That couldn’t be right, though, because this was just a dream. Even if I knew without a shadow of doubt that it was real.

* * *

I opened my eyes, taking deep breaths to calm my erratic heartbeat. The bunks that lined the walls were only imperceptibly lighter than the concrete that surrounded me on all sides. My head throbbed with the realization of what had happened, as it all came back to me.

Oh fuck.

I pushed the covers aside, and silently slipped from my bed to the cold stone floors. Glancing from one bed to the next, I watched my team sleep—it seemed my six had made it past the first elimination. Even with the elation that brought me, I couldn’t find peace. Not here. As the events that had caused my blackout flashed before my eyes, I fled the dark prison—leaving my claustrophobia behind. One door after another clicked shut until it was only me and the midnight sky.

Night? How much time has passed?

I reached for my pockets, where my phone should’ve been, but for some reason, I was wearing somebody else’s sweatpants, and a cotton t-shirt that was too big.

Shit.

The door behind me opened again.

“Shouldn’t you be sleeping?” I asked.

“Do you remember what happened?” Blair asked softly.

“Enough to say I’m sorry,” I whispered.

She was all silver when I turned around, with eyes of iron that matched my own.

“I’m sorry?” she asked, but I couldn’t tell if she was in shock or furious.

“Yes?” I asked.

Her scowl deepened. “I don’t want an apology, Selena. I want to know what’s going on. I want to know why you lost it in there and didn’t wake up for over thirty-six hours. Was it because of what Alexandra did?” She stared at me, waiting for answer.

Shock it is, then.

“What do you know about what she did?” I asked, not knowing how much Alexandra had told her—or if she’d even told her anything at all. The safe switch wasn’t something I talked about. Ever. With anyone.

“Enough,” she said, her face looking impressively detached despite the very slight narrowing of her eyes.

“Then don’t ask me about what she did and don’t overreact. It’s not like this is the first time something’s happened, and it won’t be the last,” I said, thinking back over the summer. She’d been there everytime I went downhill, and everytime, she’d gotten me out. Maybe that would give her hope, and she would lay off.

Or maybe my age-old excuse—that it had happened before and would happen again—was no longer sufficient anymore. “So that’s it? You have a panic attack and act like nothing happened? I saw the look on your face, Selena! I watched you try to drown yourself, and you’re damn lucky Alexandra was there to stop you.”

Her voice cut me like a knife. What did I say to that? What could I possibly say that she might understand?

Nothing.

I sighed and turned away. “I don’t know what to tell you, Blair—”

“The truth!” she demanded. This was the angriest I’d ever seen her, but it was a righteous anger.

“The truth?” I muttered to myself, playing with the words. “The truth is I don’t know real from imagined. Were they demons…or hallucinations? Are you real or just another splinter of my mind that’s broken off and taken a face I know? Questions, questions…” I trailed off as hysteria entered my voice.

“They weren’t lying…” she murmured, her eyes soft with pity.

“What are you talking about?” I snapped. I didn’t need her pity. Didn’t want it.

“Lucas tried to explain to us what he was hearing, but your mind snapped. He thinks your ability’s too much for you to handle. Maybe Lily can help—” she started, putting together too many pieces for me to comprehend.

“Lily? What does Lily have to do with this?” I demanded, temporarily putting aside her claims about Lucas. He and I were going to have a little chat. This was exactly what I’d meant about him meddling where he didn’t belong.

“Did you think she wouldn’t come looking for you when you didn’t show up to train her? She told us what happened in the woods, and while I agree that she needs to train, are you even sure you can take the stress anymore? I’m starting to think they may be right. Maybe your energy is lashing out and causing hallucinations. We could always try—”

“There is no we!” I shouted.

She went silent instantly, staring me down. This wasn’t a test of wills, though; it was a matter of choice. “You need to be reasonable about this, Selena. Aaron and I already said we could be the ones to take what Lily can’t handle. She’s already done it with me before,” she added as if that argument was going to change my mind.

“Take what she can’t handle?” I asked, my blood cooling instantly to something far more dangerous than the heat of the moment.

“Lily has to transfer your energy somewhere. If she can’t take it, we can,” Blair said.

We stared at each other for a moment, neither willing to relent—until I let out a mocking laugh. “No one’s taking anything from me, and you’re a damn fool to fill my sister’s head with heroic notions. I can save myself,” I said.

The wind howled in my ears, silencing everything but Blair’s voice.

I turned to walk away when she spoke again.

“I’ve stood by you through all of this and not questioned you once. All of us have. You can wear whatever mask you want for the world, but don’t do this. Let me help you. Let us.”

I sighed deeply. I shouldn’t leave things like this between us. The problem was that the deeper down the rabbit hole I went, the clearer it became that none of them could help me. Not really. Sure, they could pull me back when I snapped and tried to kill people. They could help me to a lesser extent with my other, who lurked in the shadows of my mind. The panic, though? That wasn’t something they could fix. Simply being there for me wouldn’t change that, and neither would trying to siphon my energy off.

“Let me ask you something,” I said as I walked back to face her. Her eyes gleamed like a dagger, her skin so pale it was almost translucent. “Do you know how it works? Can you promise me my sister won’t kill herself trying this?”

“She won’t,” Blair swore, but it wasn’t a promise, and we both knew it.

“I didn’t do this just to have her—”

“Do what?” she asked sharply.

“Agree to fight—just for my sister to get mixed up in it. Besides, it’s not like she can come with us when we leave, and that’s supposing that Lucas’s theory is true, which I find doubtful.”

Her eyes narrowed to slits. It seemed she didn’t believe my story, but she let it drop this time.

“Okay, so if what Lucas says isn’t true and Lily can’t help you, what are you going to do about it then?” she asked. Her long pajama pants billowed in the wind and strands of her hair slipped out of her braid.

“I’ll train harder, and shut myself down before I ever get there,” I insisted, grasping for straws as I racked my brain for a solution. In the past, it had always been boxing, and over the summer, it was training, but now I was gearing up for the fight of my life, and somehow, it wasn’t enough. Hurt wasn’t enough. Pain wasn’t feeding me.

“And if that doesn’t work?” she asked, gentler this time but still firm. No matter how prettily she phrased it, I knew what she wanted, and I wasn’t having any of it. Over my—literally—dead body.

“If that doesn’t work, you can put me down yourself,” I said apathetically.

She snorted, covering her mouth as the tension broke. “Don’t be a drama queen.”

“You’re the one talking life and death, Blair. I’m simply making my opinion crystal clear. Lily isn’t to be involved, and that’s the end of it.” I placed my own hand on her shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze.

She smiled tightly. “Can I ask you something?”

“You just did,” I quipped. Like Lucas, she didn’t find that line funny.

“How much of this is the warehouse?” She was too forward for my liking, but not intrusive enough to make me squirm.

“Enough.”.

She nodded, like she was finally putting together some puzzle she hadn’t been able to solve. “I’m going to let it go this time, but I’m not messing around, Selena. If it happens again, we’re going with Lucas’s plan. It took a lot out of Alexandra just to put you down, and Aaron nearly lost his shit when he saw you drop.”

“What does Aaron have to do with anything?” I asked.

Blair grimaced, falling quiet for a moment. “How much did you say you remember?” she said slowly.

“Enough,” I said. She opened her mouth and closed it, twice before she said, “You should probably know that Alexandra broke up with him.”

“What? She dumped him?”

Blair nodded.

Seriously? After how she fought to keep him here…

“I wouldn’t judge her too much for this one,” she continued, fidgeting with her hair. “They broke up yesterday, but Alexandra is still pretty pissed. And…she’s probably not going to want to be around you right now.” She scrunched her nose, another nervous tic.

“What?”

“I don’t really want to get into it, but I feel like someone should tell you. Just know that while it’s not your fault, it’s not unjustified on her part either. She’s hurting…” Blair trailed off, making me all the more curious.

“Are you going to tell me what their breakup has to do with all of this, or do I need to wait until morning when she starts the silent treatment?” I asked matter-of-factly.

What was the big deal? It wasn’t like she wasn’t pissed at me half the time anyway. And Alexandra practically had a new boyfriend every month. It was weird she’d even been with Aaron as long as she had. Something about the whole situation had rubbed me wrong from the beginning, but this breakup was even weirder.

“It’s not my place to say. You need to talk to him though.”

“Him? Why would I talk to him?”

“Just do it, Selena. The sooner this sorts itself out, the better we’ll all be.”

Her words stilled me. “Okay,” I agreed.

She visibly relaxed a fraction before returning to the topic at hand. “You need to talk to me next time it gets bad. Okay? Maybe just having someone to talk you down would help.” She neatly skated around the fact that when I was like that there wouldn’t be any talking. Who was I to point out the obvious, though?

“You think you can fix me?”

“No.”

That made me laugh. At least she wasn’t being sentimental about this. She knew what she was up against.

“I do think I can help you, though, for what it’s worth.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” I warned, not wanting to go there. Not tonight.

“I’m not making you a promise, Selena. I don’t do promises. I’ve lived through some pretty shitty things, though, and I think talking to someone is better than doing nothing and hoping for the best.” She paused, pulling back and giving me the look that meant I wouldn’t like what she was going to say. “Don’t get me wrong, you try anything stupid, and I’ll have both your sisters on you before you do something you’ll regret—but I don’t want to go there any more than you do if we don’t have to.”

As much as I hated to admit it, I could live with that. It was a reprieve, of sorts, and one I hoped never to need—but like most things in my life, the universe had other plans. For the umpteenth time, I looked up at the stars and asked, Why me?

Just like every time before, no one answered. The ancients of old were dead. Just like the matter manipulators. Just like I would be, if I didn’t find a way to stop myself next time the hallucinations came.