Kasey set his beer on the coffee table as he sat down on the couch. He'd spent dinner thinking over how to tell Noam everything. It had been a long time since he'd told anyone about his past. He didn't like talking about it, but his gut told him that Noam needed to know. He wanted to be as honest as he could about things, and Noam could easily find out through court records, and that would only give him half of the story. The half that didn't look good.
Of course, he was still going to have to hide plenty from Noam. Working with the team was something he couldn't tell him. Hell, when the team found out he was dating a detective, there would be hell to pay, but Kasey wasn't going to deny himself something that felt so right. They deserved a chance to see if they could be happy. If that meant that he needed to leave the team at some point, it was something he would consider, as much as he didn't like the idea.
Noam sat down beside him, turning to face him with one knee bent on the couch. "You can cook for me anytime."
"Thanks." Kasey smiled. "I'm glad you liked it." He brushed his hands down his pants and blew out a long breath.
"You don't have to tell me." Noam gently ran his fingers over Kasey's shoulder.
"Yeah, I do. I want you to know everything about me." Kasey turned to face him, his back pressed to the arm of the couch. "My parents died in a car accident when I was thirteen. It was hard, but my little sister and I went to live with my aunt and uncle after that. Life slowly got back to normal, or as normal as it could get considering." Kasey reached for his beer, wishing he'd grabbed something stronger to drink. "Anyway, life went on okay until I was fifteen. My sister, Kate, she was five years younger than me. It was right after her tenth birthday that I came home from baseball practice and found my uncle raping her. I walked in the door and was headed to my room. As I walked past her bedroom, I heard her cries. It wasn't normal cries like she did sometimes, but it sounded like she was hurting." He closed his eyes, still able to hear the sound in his head just as if it happened yesterday.
"Anyway, I slowly pushed open her door to see if she was okay and that was when I saw my uncle on top of her on the bed. They were both naked, and he was really being rough with her. Neither of them heard me, but I guess I must have gasped or cursed or something because suddenly they both turned their heads toward the door. I lost it. I still had my bat from practice in my hand and I didn't even think about it. I swung it as hard as I could at him, hitting him in the face with the first swing. He went flying off the foot of the bed, landing hard on the floor. I went right after him, swinging the bat over and over again until he wasn't moving. My sister sat on the bed crying, screaming at me to stop, but I didn't. I was old enough to understand what he was doing. I had to protect my sister. It was my job with my parents gone. There was no one else." Kasey blinked back tears that he refused to let fall, glad that Noam wasn't speaking. He needed to get it all out first, then if Noam had questions, he would answer them.
"When I finally dropped the bat, there was no doubt in my mind I'd killed him. There was no way anyone could live through the head injuries I'd caused. I turned to Kate, seeing her on the bed crying and shaking as she stared at me. I went to her, pulling the comforter off the bed and wrapping it around her. Blood coated her legs, she had bruises already showing on her neck and arms from where he held her down. I didn't know what to do. I called 911 to come help Kate, not even thinking about the fact I'd just killed my uncle and his body was on the floor beside the bed. I didn't even mention him when I called. I just said my sister had been raped and needed help."
Kasey turned and stood, needing to move as Noam watched him silently. "When they got there, they saw my uncle on the floor. I didn't even try to deny I'd done it. Things happened so fast, and even now, looking back, it's all blurred. I remember them treating my sister and taking her away in the ambulance. Despite my begging and her crying pleas for me to stay with her, they refused. They didn't give a shit about her. They were more concerned about the pervert dead on the floor." He ran his fingers through his hair as he stared out the large windows overlooking his front yard. "My aunt came home shortly after Kate was taken away. She'd been out getting her hair done or something. I remember her bursting into tears, telling the cops that I'd been nothing but trouble since I'd come to live with them. It wasn't true. I mean we had a few arguments, but no more than I would think normal for a fifteen-year-old boy to have with the adults he lived with. I didn't like to cause trouble. I understood how hard it must have been to take us in after my parents died. I tried to be good. So did Kate."
Kasey leaned forward, pressing his forehead to the window, closing his eyes as the memories flowed back. "I was arrested and taken to juvie. I was freaking out because I was worried about Kate. Looking back, I can see how they would say I was combative. I fought them and argued the whole night for them to let me see Kate or even let me call her. She didn't have anyone else but me. They refused. It was four days later before anyone finally told me how Kate was. She'd suffered tearing and bruising from what my uncle did. She was being medicated to keep her calm, and no I couldn't see her."
Noam was suddenly behind him, gently touching his shoulder. "Tell me they didn't charge you."
"Manslaughter. They said I used extreme force and unnecessary violence to get him off her. Which, I admit, I probably did, but I didn't stop to think. I don't regret killing him. He would have just hurt her or some other girl again." Kasey turned to face Noam. "I was locked up until I was eighteen, then released to a halfway house. It was there I met Bryon. He volunteered there. Even with the age difference between us, we just got along. We saw the world the same way. When it came time for me to leave the halfway house, he offered me a place to live. I was working construction, trying to put my past behind me. I had nothing. He was the only one there for me."
He glanced up, meeting Noam's gaze, surprised to see anger there, not pity.
"The cops were wrong. You should have never faced those charges."
"I couldn't afford a good lawyer, and there was no one to support me. My aunt told them lies, and my sister wasn't considered a competent witness. The few friends, teachers, and coaches they talked to all said good things about me, but it wasn't enough. I think they thought I was going to go on some vengeful killing spree if they released me." Kasey sat down on the edge of one of the side tables near the window, still facing Noam. "I'm the first to admit I was angry and a mess, but I'd just seen my sister being raped. I'd just killed my uncle. My emotions were all over the place."
"What happened to your sister? Is she okay now?" Noam asked.
He lost the fight to hold back tears and dropped his head, staring at his feet. "They put her in foster care after she got out of the hospital. They wouldn't let her see me. About six months after she was raped, she committed suicide. She cleaned out the medicine cabinet at the home where she was staying, took everything, even stuff that wouldn't hurt her. She just swallowed every pill she could get her hands on."
"I'm so sorry." Noam kneeled down in front of him, bracing his hands on Kasey's knees.
"The fuckers wouldn't let her visit me or write to me, but they didn't hesitate to bring me her suicide letter. She blamed herself for everything. Said it was her fault I was locked up. She thanked me for saving her, said my uncle had been abusing her for months, but that was the first time he'd penetrated her that way. She said she loved me and was sorry she wasn't stronger." A silent sob wracked through his body as he pinched the bridge of his nose, not wanting to lose it in front of Noam.
Noam pulled him into his arms, wrapping him tightly against his chest. He kissed his ear, but said nothing as he ran his hands over Kasey's back.
Kasey tried to hold it back, but it was the first time he'd ever had anyone hold him like this after he told them his story. Even back when he was younger, people would give him a tight grip on the shoulder, a pat on the back, a sympathetic look, but no one held him. It was his undoing. Tears fell harder than they had in years, all the pain, anger, regret, and sadness flowing out of him.
He didn't know how long Noam held him. It seemed like hours, but was probably only minutes. When Kasey finally pulled back, he was exhausted emotionally. He wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt before looking at Noam. "I'm sorry. I've never lost it like that when I've told anyone."
Noam smiled. "I'm guessing you haven't told very many, and that you've always had to have your guard up. You don't have to be strong for me, Kase. You went through hell, and the things that you were forced to face at such a young age, well, it's amazing you've turned into the man you have."
Kasey shrugged, acting as if it wasn't a big deal. Noam didn't know the truth. He didn't know that Bryon had asked him to live with him so he could join the team that Bryon worked with. The way he'd dealt with his past was by protecting the innocent now. Vengeance was his, and each sting he did, he thought about his sister and dedicated each slice of his knife to her and all the victims like her. "I try not to look back too often," he lied.
"I wish I'd been the cop who handled your case." Noam stood.
"Then you'd be way too old for me to kiss." Kasey stood, sliding his hand behind Noam's head, combing his fingers through his hair as he kissed him. He needed to feel Noam's touch, feel the burn that lit inside his stomach when they kissed. After telling his story, he needed to feel alive.
Noam didn't let him down, kissing him back hard, sliding his hands around him and holding him as if their lives depended on it. The kiss was so much more than the others they'd shared, at least it felt that way to Kasey. Maybe it was because his emotions were so raw, but it was as if things were shifting between them, their relationship slowly coming together, becoming something more than just dating, something more than just testing the waters, it was almost like the commitment to each other was snapping into place, binding them together.
When Noam finally broke the kiss, he rested his forehead against Kasey's. "You've told me your past, now it's time I tell you mine and let you know the secrets I keep." He kissed Kasey again. "When I tell you everything, if it's too much, I'll understand. If you can't be with me—"
"Hey, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere, okay? Nothing is going to scare me away." Kasey stared at him. "I have more to tell you too. Stuff that could affect us now."
Noam nodded. "We might as well get it all in the open now. No point in playing with each other's emotions if this isn't going to work out in the long run."
Kasey took a deep breath. "I don't like sex."
Noam's eyes went wide as he sucked in a breath.
Kasey watched his reaction, his heart pounding as his hopes plummeted. Just as he expected, it was going to be an issue. "I know it's hard to understand, and I don't even get it myself, but I've never liked it. I've forced myself to do it before, but I don't find enjoyment in it. It's messy, awkward, and I've found forcing myself to try and have it when I don't want to ends up ruining my relationships. It's why I don't date. I know it's a huge part of a relationship, but I just can't get into it. I mean, I'm happy to help you get off if you want, but even that, I'd rather do in the shower where it's not so messy." Kasey pulled away and started to pace the room.
"Kase—" Noam started to say.
Kasey held up his hand. "Don't try and force yourself to accept this if you can't. I know sex is important and being with someone who doesn't like it is probably too much to deal with. I don't know why I don't like it, I just don't. Someone told me once I was asexual, but then I researched that, and I don't think it fits me either. Maybe, there are so many definitions to the label, but I feel attraction, I feel arousal, I want the closeness, I just don't like the physical act. I quit worrying about the labels. When I look at a man or woman, I think about how it would feel to hold them close, but I never think about how it would be to have sex with them."
"You're bisexual?" Noam raised a brow.
Kasey laughed. "That's what you pick out of what I just told you? That's the one piece that surprises you?"
Noam grinned. "I just didn't know that about you. It's not a big deal. I mean I'm gay. Never have been with a woman, but I don't care that you have. It's your past, and we've already agreed that it's not our past that matters. It's the present and future. As for the no sex, you've just made me the happiest man alive."
Kasey shook his head. "What?"
Noam moved so he was near the couch, away from the windows. "Don't freak out, okay?
Kasey watched as Noam worked the button on his jeans open and quickly pulled the zipper down. "Noam, what are you—"
"It's easier for me to just show you. I want you to know what you're going to have to see and deal with if we do this." Noam quickly slid his jeans down his legs, stopping at the knees.
Kasey gasped, but then covered his mouth, hoping he didn't offend Noam. "What happened?" Deep scars covered both of Noam's thighs, the muscles indenting unnaturally. Whatever happened to him had to be bad. Even though Noam still wore a pair of briefs, it was clear the scarring went under his underwear and probably covered his groin area.
Noam rubbed his hand over one deformed thigh. "I was hit with an IED in Israel. I took the brunt of the blow to my legs and groin. They managed to save my cock and one ball, but as you can see, the scar tissue is serious. I can get hard, but it's so painful that I really have to want to because the pain can be so bad that it overpowers any arousal I might feel." He pointed to an area just to the side of the underwear. "When I get hard, the scar tissue pulls tight and causes severe pain. The scarring on my cock isn't as severe as some of it on my leg, but enough that it affects me." He pulled his pants back up, working the zipper and button back into place.
Kasey stepped closer, coming to a stop a few inches from Noam. "Will you tell me about it?"
Noam nodded. "There isn't much to tell. I was on patrol. We didn't expect any problems. It had been quiet for days. We knew we couldn't trust the locals, but we didn't expect…" He gestured to his legs. "I was walking by some old barrels, two of my team beside me. The blast went off. It killed Itai, and Yosef lost both his legs. I woke up after surgery, confused and scared. I didn't know where I was. I was in the hospital for almost six months. I've dated two men since. One walked out when I told him, the other tried to stick around, telling me I could just bottom, but it wasn't enough. He knew I didn't enjoy sex. I think it hurt him. He took it personally when I wouldn't get hard or I'd be in severe pain the few times I did. It was a lot to deal with."
Kasey smiled. "I thought you'd leave when you heard I didn't want sex. I was trying to figure out how to convince myself to do it. I mean, I'm not saying we can't ever do things if you want, but…" Kasey sighed. "I don't like the feel of cum. I don't like the mess. When the tension gets too much, and I have to take matters into my own hands, I always do it in the shower."
"I'll never ask for more than you want to give, Kase. If you decide you want sex, I can bottom. Just don't feel bad if I don't get hard."
"I would never do that to you." Kasey reached for Noam's hand. "What are the chances that we would find each other?"
"Fate?" Noam smiled as he sat down on the couch, keeping hold of Kasey's hand as he sat down beside him.
"I've worried so much over the last week about how to tell you, and even more on how you would react. I thought for sure I wouldn't be enough for you." Kasey smiled. "This just makes me want you more."
"Me too." Noam grinned, but then settled back against the couch. "There is more you should know. I get migraines too. They come maybe once a month, sometimes I can go two months. I can feel them coming on, and within twenty-four to forty-eight hours, I'm worthless for a day or two. I will spend the time in bed, in the dark, sometimes sick to my stomach. It just depends on the severity of the headache."
"Can I do anything for you when you get them?" Kasey asked, more than willing to help Noam any way he could.
"No, it's best to leave me alone. I'm a bear, and any communication or movement hurts. My boss knows I get them, and we try and work out my vacation and sick days to cover when they hit, but there are times I have to work when I get them. Please don't take my bad moods when I do to mean I don't care about you. I can be a bastard when I get one. It's nothing personal."
"Do they know what causes them?"
"The blast. I had a concussion and a head injury. Nothing major, but the migraines started right after that. I've learned coping measures, but I never know how bad they will be until they hit. Like today, I can feel one is coming on. In the next day or two, I'll be down in bed. My doctor keeps trying new drugs, new ideas, but so far nothing works. I thought they were getting better. I'd gone three months before the last one hit, but now, it's only been just over a month since the last."
"Do you need me to take care of Casper, make sure you have food?" Kasey hated the thought of Noam going through it alone.
He shook his head. "I'll be okay, just know that's why I probably don't answer your calls, or I cancel a date. Like I said, I feel them coming on days before they do, so I should be able to give you a warning. I don't want you to worry about me, but if we're going to date, you need to know they happen."
"Thank you for telling me." Kasey blew out a long breath. "Well, I didn't expect tonight to get so serious."
"I'm glad it did. I feel better now that you know everything." Noam leaned against Kasey.
Kasey wrapped his arm around Noam's shoulder. As good as being honest was, there was still one huge secret between them, and it was one that Kasey could never tell. He hated lying to Noam, especially after all they'd talked about, but it was a part of his life he needed to keep secret. It wasn't just for his safety, but the whole team. As silence settled between them, and they just held onto each other, Kasey seriously considered for the first time quitting the team. If he had to choose between Noam and his job it was going to be hard, but if things with Noam kept going as good as they were, he would choose the man over the job without a second thought.