He was going crazy. Days of watching the driveway, waiting to see the police pull up had him on edge. He couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. He couldn't do anything but sit and stare.
He'd tried watching TV, catching up on all the movies he'd always wanted to see but never had, thinking it would be his last chance to enjoy them, but his attention wandered, his mind going over everything that had happened.
Why hadn't Noam come for him or at least sent someone to get him? Maybe this was part of the torture he deserved for what he did to Noam. Not to the pedophiles, he didn't deserve anything for what he did to them. No, the one person he'd hurt with his actions was the one person he never wanted to hurt. Noam was the one he'd destroyed.
He didn't think for a minute that Noam was weak and would let this destroy his life, but he'd seen the hurt and pain in Noam's eyes when he'd left his house. He'd hurt him badly, and there was no way to make that okay. No 'I'm sorry', or 'I won't do it again' would take it away.
He turned off the TV and got up, going into the kitchen to grab something to drink. He should probably eat, but just the thought of food had his stomach rolling.
The sudden sound of his doorbell had him nearly sick anyway. This was it. Noam had finally come for him.
He took a deep breath and tried to put on a brave face, though he probably looked as if he was walking to his own execution. When he glanced out the front window, he was shocked to see Matt's car out front and not a police vehicle or Noam's car.
He quickly opened the door, shocked when Faith threw herself into his arms. "Dad said you needed a hug." She pressed her body tightly against his, her arms squeezing him.
Tears came to his eyes as he held her, hugging her as he'd never hugged anyone before. For a few seconds she was his lifeline, exactly what he needed to continue to hold on. "Stripes," he breathed her nickname.
Matt stood behind her, smiling as he watched them. "We thought you could use a friend."
As Faith let go, Kasey stepped back. "It's not safe."
"Sure, it is. It's no secret now that you had a part in bringing Faith home. Noam already knows you're friends with me and her. There are no ties to anything else. We aren't going to alert them to anything by visiting." Matt placed a hand on Faith's shoulder. "You going to invite us in?"
Kasey nodded, stepping back so they could come in. It was no secret to Faith that the team had been the ones to save her, even though it had been the police who literally pulled her out of the house. She knew what the team did, but not the details or how. She knew they found the bad guys and made sure they went to prison. He wondered how much Matt and Xander had told her about his situation.
"You shouldn't have come over." Kasey shut the door and followed them into the living room.
"Why not?" Faith asked.
Matt raised a brow as if daring Kasey to answer Faith.
"Don't get me wrong, it's good to see you. You know I'm always happy when you visit, Faith, but I've been in a bit of a bad mood and sometimes when that happens it's better to be left alone."
She rolled her eyes. "If I was in a bad mood you'd all show up to cheer me up." Faith flopped down on the couch. "Xander says the thing about moods is they never stay the same. They change fast, so don't let one mood get you down, just wait for it to change."
If only it was that easy. He sat down beside her. "Seeing you helps." He smiled. "What have you guys been up to?"
"We just went over and signed her up for a class at that trampoline place you introduced her to." Matt narrowed his eyes at him.
"That's great. I can't wait to see how good you get. Maybe you'll learn to do flips like that one guy we saw." He ignored Matt's glare.
"They have a bunch of classes I can take. They even perform and compete if you're good enough." Faith looked excited.
"Then you better practice hard." Kasey tried to smile as he realized he'd never be able to see her compete if she did. He might get lucky and hear about it in letters, but after today, he would probably never see Faith again. He did not want her walking into a prison to visit him.
"How are you holding up?" Matt asked.
"As good as can be expected. I feel like I'm sitting on a bomb waiting for it to explode, but I don't know when the timer will run out." He fisted his hands in his lap. "I'm sorry. I know this affects all of you."
"It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. We missed a camera. It was bound to happen, unfortunately it was you and you were seen by the man you date. It wasn't like you went out intending to have this happen."
Faith listened, watching them closely, but didn't ask any questions, which Kasey was glad about. He didn't want to try and explain it to her. She was old enough now, she would get the whole story soon enough.
"What's everyone doing with the sudden time off?" Kasey asked.
"Xander and Dyson are the only two not working. The rest of us are still doing our jobs. "Xander and Dyson have been helping Faith repaint her room. The stripes are now gone, replaced with a light blue with yellow trim. Faith found the idea online and wanted to try it." Matt smiled at his daughter.
"So, no more stripes, huh? Does that mean I have to give up your nickname now?" Kasey asked her.
"Nope. I like that you call me that. It always reminds me I'm safe." She nodded to the TV. "Can I play?"
Kasey looked at Matt. "I'm okay with it, if you are."
Matt nodded. "You'll have to play alone. I'm going to go into the kitchen with Uncle Kasey and talk, okay?"
Faith nodded, already up and searching for the game she wanted.
Kasey stood, leading Matt into the kitchen. "Want a drink?"
"No, thanks." Matt leaned against the counter. "So, seriously, how are you?"
"Numb. I don't know what to do or think. I took Monday to get everything ready for when they arrest me, I hate leaving the mess to you guys, but I don't have time to sell the house or do all that, so once I'm arrested it will go into your names so that you can sell it and the money will be put in a trust fund for Faith when she is older."
Matt's eyes widened. "You didn't need to do that."
"What else am I going to do with it? The chances I'll ever get out are slim. They'll pin every castration on me, plus the few murders that happened over the years." Kasey shrugged.
"They weren't murders. It was self-defense," Matt said.
"I think the fact that I broke into the house makes it murder." Kasey sighed. "It doesn't matter. I don't need it. Hopefully, Faith can go to a good college. I know you and Xander have money too, but I don't have anyone else to leave it to. Faith is the closest thing to family I have outside of the team."
"When do you think they'll come for you?" Matt asked.
"I thought they would by now. I expected him to arrest me when he confronted me. Then when he didn't, I figured I'd have a few hours. That's why I called Bryon right away. But it's been three days now. I saw him on Saturday right after we got home. It's Wednesday and I'm still waiting."
"Maybe he changed his mind." Matt looked hopeful.
"Yeah, I doubt that. I know arresting me won't be easy for Noam, but he will do what the law tells him to. He can't ignore what he knows. I just feel like shit that the team is on hold now. I don't know how long before you will be safe. If I go to trial, it could be months or even years before this is buried and people aren't talking about it."
"What do you mean if you go to trial. Of course you're going to fight this." Matt narrowed his eyes.
"Why fight it? If I admit to it all, then it makes it easier on you guys. Why waste the time and money on fighting something I can't win?"
The sudden sound of the doorbell had them both freezing.
"I've got it," Faith yelled.
"Faith, no!" Kasey raced to beat her to the door, but by the time he got there, Faith had it open and was smiling at the man on the other side. She turned to Kasey. "It's just Noam." She stepped aside. "Come in."
Kasey's heart raced. He stared at Noam as he stepped into the house, unsure what to say.
"Faith, turn off the TV. We need to go." Matt gripped Kasey's shoulder.
"But, Dad, I just started a game." Faith pouted.
"Faith, I said now. Noam and Uncle Kasey need to talk." Matt glanced at Noam. "Whatever you do, will you call me and let me know where he is, what I can do for him?" He pulled out his wallet, slipped out a business card, and handed it to Noam.
"Sure." Noam took the card, tucking it into his own pocket. He never took his eyes off Kasey as he did it.
Kasey stared back, trying to hide the slight tremble of his body as fear hit him hard. He was about to go to jail, then to prison for the rest of his life. Part of him wanted to run, the other part had to face what was to come.
"I love you, Uncle Kasey." Faith threw her arms around him.
He closed his eyes, taking his attention off Noam and turning it to Faith. He hugged her tightly, kissed the top of her head, then pulled back as he looked at her. "I love you too. You are the most amazing young woman. Don't ever forget that." He kissed her forehead. "I love you so much." He forced himself to release her.
Faith narrowed her eyes. "Are you okay?"
Kasey swallowed the lump in his throat. "I will be. Go with your dad and let Noam and me talk."
She reached up and brushed a tear from his cheek before looking at Noam. "Don't make him cry more, okay? Make him laugh like he did when we went out."
Noam cleared his throat, giving her a slight nod. "I'll do what I can."
Matt stepped up, hugging Kasey tightly. "I love you. We'll figure it all out. You're not alone." He pulled back, staring into Kasey's eyes. "We'll fight this."
"Don't. It's not worth it. Just let it be." Kasey didn't want this made into a huge public deal. It would be unavoidable to have some press, but he didn't need a huge battle with people watching trials and digging deeper for information. The more they dug, the more danger the team would be in. "I'm okay."
Matt nodded. "We love you."
"I love you guys too." He forced himself to step back.
"Bye." Faith waved as Matt led her out the door and shut it behind them.
Left alone facing Noam, Kasey took a deep breath. "I expected you sooner."
Noam nodded. "I got hit with a migraine. I'm sorry you had to wait and worry this whole time. I honestly thought you'd be gone by now."
"I told you, I'm not running."
Noam ran his fingers through his hair. "You got anything to drink?"
"I'm guessing you're not talking about a glass of water?" Kasey turned and walked into his kitchen, pulling out a bottle of whiskey.
"Doesn't feel like a water kinda visit, does it?" Noam sat down at the kitchen table.
"No, but I'm not sure I want to be drunk when you haul me into jail." Kasey poured two glasses before going over to the table and setting them down. He returned to grab the bottle and set it on the table between them.
"I'm not taking you in." Noam stared at his drink, not at Kasey.
Kasey stared, unsure he'd heard correctly. "Noam?"
Noam shook his head. "I can't do it. I've tried to talk myself into doing what is right, but I just can't do it."
"Then you'll have someone else do it?" Kasey reached for the glass and took a healthy swallow.
Noam fingered his glass, staying silent for several minutes.
Kasey watched him. Noam looked tired, like he hadn't slept in days. There were bags under his eyes, and his color was off. His hair looked as if he'd used his fingers to comb it, not caring what it looked like. He looked like Kasey felt, drained, and worn, with too much weighing on his shoulders.
"Would it be easier if I turned myself in?" Kasey didn't know if he had the guts to do that, but he hated seeing how this was affecting Noam.
"Kase, please stop." Noam lifted the glass to his lips and finished it off with one large swallow. When he set it down, he slowly raised his gaze to Kasey's. "I'm not going to arrest you. I can't do it. I'm not going to tell anyone what you do."
Kasey sucked in a breath. "But…" He shook his head, unsure what to say.
"The thing is, I support what you do. It might be against the law, but I've seen the good that comes from it. I've seen the children you've saved." Noam reached for the bottle, pouring another half a glass. "I've tried to tell myself that I'm doing the right thing if I arrest you, but I don't think I am. If I arrest you, then how long before those you work with would feel safe to start working again? Would they even start up again here in this area? How many kids would we lose in that time?" Noam stood and walked to the counter, staring out into the backyard through the small window above the sink. "I can't live my life wondering if each time I get a new case of a missing or abused child that you might have been able to stop it from happening." He turned to face Kasey. "What you do is so beyond fucked up. I mean the thought of being able to cut a man's cock off one hour, then act like life is normal the next, that is some kind of messed up, Kase, but I get why you do it. I understand it. Especially after what you've been through in your past."
Kasey stared, trying to understand. "Noam, what are you saying? What does this mean?"
"It means I'm going to leave today and let you go on with your life as it is. I'm going to ignore the fact that you're committing crimes because those crimes are actually helping more people than you hurt. The average pedophile you take down has a history that would make the devil cringe. They aren't going to change, they aren't going to get better. You're not going after the guy flirting with the young girls trying to work through some mid-life crisis. You are going after the ones who are physically hurting and killing our children. I can't see wrong in that. I can't condone the way you do it, but I also can't justify locking you up." Noam set his glass in the sink. "Anyway, I'm sorry I made you wait for me to react. I know the last few days have probably been hell for you too." He raked his fingers through his hair as he stared at Kasey. "Go back to saving kids."
Kasey stood, taking a few steps toward Noam, but leaving several feet in-between them. He saw how conflicted Noam was and how hard this decision was for him. It was tearing Noam in two trying to decide what was right and wrong. The law read one thing, but human nature another. Kasey understood. "You don't have to do this."
Noam laughed. "Fuck, only you would try and talk me into changing my mind. Do you want to be arrested, Kase? Because if you do, I can't do it. You'll have to find someone else." Noam shook his head. "I need to go. I just wanted you to know that I will take your secret to the grave. No one will know."
Kasey reached out, gripping Noam's shoulder as he started to walk by him. "Noam…."
When Noam stopped and turned, Kasey met his gaze. "Thank you. I know how hard this had to be for you. I am honestly sorry for putting you in this position."
"You didn't know it would end up this way. I get why you couldn't tell me, and I get how it was all coincidence that I even found out." Noam started to leave.
Kasey watched him, sure it would be the last time he saw him. He followed him to the door. As Noam reached out to grip the doorknob, Kasey had to say one last thing. With his heart breaking, he fought to hold back tears. "I love you, Noam. Never forget that."
Noam's shoulders hitched in what looked like a sob, but he didn't look back. "I love you too, Kase." He gripped the handle, pulling open the door. He quickly stepped outside, leaving the door wide open as he rushed down the steps to his car.
Frozen to the spot where he was standing, Kasey watched as Noam pulled away. The pain of watching him go was smothering, and for a brief moment, he wondered if prison might be easier than living free without Noam by his side.