Kasey ran his hand over his chin, trying to remember the last time he'd shaved. He hadn't bothered doing very much of anything over the last few weeks. He was unsure what to do. He was still scared to go to the team house, afraid that someone might follow him. He wanted to trust Noam, but if there was even a sliver of a chance of anyone finding out who he worked with, he wouldn't take the risk. His heart told him that Noam wouldn't deceive him, but he still couldn't bring himself to contact any of the team.
Bryon and Matt had both dropped by, making sure he was okay, but he'd chased them off after reassuring them he was alright. He didn't need the company. He needed time to think and decide what direction his life was going.
It had taken time for him to get over the fear of going to prison. Even now, when he heard a noise outside or a car pulled into his driveway, his heart skipped, and he forgot to breathe until he saw who it was.
He tried hard not to think of Noam, but no matter what he tried to do to distract himself, he thought of him, wondering what he was doing, how he was doing. He'd almost picked up the phone several times to call him, but Noam knew where he was if he wanted to talk. There was no doubt after the way he'd left that Noam didn't want anything more between them. Hell, Kasey didn't blame him.
He wondered if he quit the team if Noam might give him another chance, but the truth was, the damage was already done. Noam probably wouldn't ever forgive him for everything. Relationships were built on trust, and he'd destroyed that trust by deceiving him.
Kasey grunted as he got up off the couch and made his way into the kitchen. Dishes sat piled in the sink, but he didn't have the energy to wash them. He hadn't been eating much, only warming a simple TV dinner when his stomach demanded that he eat.
He grabbed a bottle of water out of the pack that sat on the counter. He hadn't even had the energy to put it in the fridge to get cold. As he twisted off the lid, he wondered what Noam had been doing.
He was still in shock that Noam hadn't arrested him. No matter how many times he went over it in his mind, he couldn't understand why he'd chosen to let him go. None of it made sense. Bringing him in would have looked great for Noam professionally, and closed a lot of open cases.
He downed half the water as he stared at the clock above the stove. He had no clue what day it was. It didn't matter. They were all the same. With nothing to do, nowhere to be, and nothing to motivate him, he just didn't care.
He jumped at the sound of his doorbell, spilling water down his arm and over the front of his shirt.
"Who the hell?" He made his way to the front door, ready to yell at whoever was there, but when he opened it, he bit back his complaint.
"Stripes?" He looked at her, then down the driveway not seeing anyone. "You're alone?"
"Dad and Xander just dropped me off. They said for me to get you cleaned up while they ran to the store. We're going to cook you dinner tonight." She pushed past him, stopping to wrinkle her nose at him. "You stink and your shirt's wet."
He sniffed, unable to smell anything. "It's wet because I spilled water when the doorbell rang. As for dinner, why don't you and your dads just go home and cook there? I'm really not in the mood."
"Xan said that you'd say that." She put her hands on her hips.
"Well, it's the truth."
She narrowed her eyes. "Why are you so sad?"
Fuck, he was going to kill Xander and Matt for dumping Faith at his house. They knew that if he'd listen to anyone it would be her. "I'm just on vacation. There's nothing wrong with being lazy when you don't have to work."
"I'm on vacation from school right now and I still shower and brush my hair." She reached up and rubbed her hand over his growing beard. "Are you trying to look like Xander, cause it doesn't work for you. It makes you look old. You've even got gray hair."
"I do not have gray." He ran his hand over his beard.
"You do." She narrowed her eyes as if daring him to argue. "Anyway, Xander said I could pick out your clothes while you shower."
"Oh, he did, did he?" Kasey raised a brow.
"He said you'd let me or that he'd give you a shower when he gets back, and he'd pick out the clothes for you." She grinned.
"You guys are cruel. I don't want to shower. I don't want to eat. And I don't want Xander threatening me."
"It's not a threat, it's a promise, so you'd better listen. I'll be nicer than he will. I'll let you stay in sweatpants, but clean ones. The stuff you're wearing now really stinks." She pushed him. "Go shower before Xander gets back. I don't want to hear you two fight if he tries to get in the shower with you."
She had a point. He'd deck Xander if he tried to shower with him. "When did you become so bossy?"
"When Dad told me it was the only way you'd listen." She grinned as she turned and headed to his bedroom.
He hated his friends right now. Why couldn't they just leave him alone and let him be miserable all by himself? The last thing he wanted was to watch Xander and Matt together, reminding him of what he'd lost with Noam.
"Shave, too. I don't like the beard." Faith was opening his dresser drawers.
"What if I like it?" He rubbed his chin. It was only two weeks' worth of growth, but it was shaggy and as much as he hated to admit it, there probably were tones of gray in it.
"Then ask Xander for some of that stuff he puts in his beard to make it soft, and trim it, because you've got long hairs and short ones." She tossed a pair of sweatpants on the bed along with a black t-shirt. "You can get your own underwear." She turned to face him. "I'll be in the kitchen when you're done." She gave him a smile as she walked out of the room.
"Damn it." He really didn't want to do this. He was fine sitting around being lazy. It wasn't like he was missing out on anything. He had nothing to do. Refusing to argue with Faith, he walked into the bathroom and shut the door, pausing to look at his reflection in the mirror. Faith was right, he really did look old with a beard.
He quickly shaved before stripping off his clothes and climbing into the shower. The hot water was refreshing, and he tried to remember when his last shower was but couldn't. He really had let himself go. It was no wonder his friends were intervening, but hell, did they have to use Faith to do it? She was the one person he just couldn't say no to.
Even though their hearts were in the right place, the last thing he wanted was to spend the next few hours with them. Not only was he going to watch Xander and Matt play happy, loving couple, but they would also talk about work. At least some. They were careful what was said around Faith, but knowing her, she'd be gaming all night while they talked. He wondered if he could bribe her to stay by his side.
He rushed the shower, even though he just wanted to lean against the wall and let the water hit him, maybe wash away the sins, the shame, the pain.
Once dressed, he walked to the kitchen to find Faith loading the dishwasher. "You don't need to clean up after me."
"Dad will need room to cook, besides, it doesn't look like you've cleaned up for days." She turned, drying her hands on a dish towel. "Why are you so sad?"
He shrugged.
"You remind me of Dad when Xander and him fight. Did you fight with Noam?"
"Xander and your dad fight?" This was news to him. He'd never seen those two even bicker.
"Dad says all married couples fight sometimes. So, is that what happened?" She leaned against the counter watching him.
"A little of it was a fight with Noam. We decided not to see each other anymore, but there's more to it. I'm just trying to decide what I want to do with my life."
"Aren't you going to keep saving kids?" She walked over and sat down at the table.
"I'm not sure. I'm guessing that's what your dads want to talk about tonight."
"Did you make them mad? Is that why you're thinking about not working with them anymore?"
Kasey smiled. "I almost did something that would get them in trouble. You know how we tell you that you can't tell anyone about us saving you? You have to let them know it was the police?"
Faith nodded.
"Well, I had to tell someone what I do and that put everyone in danger, so now they might be a little mad at me." He figured being honest was best. The girl was smart and there was a good chance she'd overhear them talking later and he didn't want anything to make it seem as if he was lying to her in any way.
"It was Noam, wasn't it? That's why you're fighting with him?"
Kasey nodded. "It doesn't matter now. Noam won't tell anyone, but we also won't be dating anymore. I'm sorry. I know you liked him."
"Is that why Dad and I had to leave so fast the last time we were here?" Faith asked.
"It is. Noam and I needed to talk things through. I'm sorry we cut into your game."
"It's okay. Your talk was more important." She played with the end of her braid. "You know what I think?"
"I bet you're going to tell me." He smiled.
"You like working with my dads and the others and you're good at it. There are a lot of kids who are being hurt the way I was. I saw them on TV a couple weeks ago. Two girls around my age taken from the mall. If you can help them, why would you not want to? I heard Dad talking to Xander and he said there were a bunch of kids in Nevada when you and Xander went."
Kasey nodded. The two girls she'd seen on TV had been there, but he wasn't sure it was his place to tell her that.
"If you hadn't gone, then they wouldn't have been saved." Faith stared at him. "Why would you quit when you're helping people? I don't get it."
"You guys in here?" Matt called from the front entry.
"In the kitchen," Kasey called back before looking at Faith. "I have a lot to decide, but thank you for helping me see why I shouldn't quit. I don't know what I'm doing yet, but you've helped me start to think things through more clearly." He reached over and gently brushed a stray hair back from her forehead. "I love you, Stripes."
"I love you too, Uncle Kasey." She smiled as she stood, turning to see her dads as they walked into the kitchen. "You were right, he stunk and was a mess. I even made him shave." She looked proudly at Kasey.
Kasey glared at the two men as they set the grocery bags down on the counter. "Didn't dare face me yourself? Had to send Faith in to do your dirty work?"
Xander laughed. "We knew you wouldn't punch her. We weren't so sure about us." Xander stepped closer, suddenly looking serious. "Honestly, how are you?"
Kasey shrugged. "Life's been better."
"It will improve. It's just going to take a little time," Xander told him. "We get you back working again and give you something to focus on, it will be easier."
Now wasn't the time to argue about work. They would have the rest of the evening to do that. "Who's cooking?"
"Me." Matt pulled steaks out of one of the bags and set them aside. "You, Faith, and Xander can do some game therapy or something while I get dinner ready."
"Faith is on her own for a bit. I need to talk to Kase first." Xander reached over and tugged on Faith's hair. "Besides, she needs the practice because I plan on kicking her butt on whatever game she picks."
Faith huffed. "You're just mad that I won last time we played."
"I'm mad anytime you beat me." Xander grinned.
Kasey watched as the three of them went about getting things ready for dinner. Once the groceries were unloaded and Matt was starting to get dinner ready, Xander reached into the fridge and pulled out two beers, handing one to Kasey. "Out back?"
"Guess that's best. We won't get blood on the floor."
"We're not fighting." Xander narrowed his eyes.
"You gave up that option when you showed up at my door tonight." Kasey glared.
"You're not going to fight. Dad and Xander were right. You needed someone to show up and make you take care of yourself. So don't argue. Go outside with Xan and listen to what he has to say. I hate seeing you sad, so find a way to be happy." Faith stood beside Matt as she chastised him.
Matt smiled while Xander laughed.
"Exactly what she said." Xander nodded toward the backyard. "After you."
Kasey begrudgingly made his way out the back door. He went over to the small porch swing he had and sat down. "You aren't going to tell me anything I haven't told myself." He watched Xander take a seat in one of the lawn chairs.
"Maybe not, but maybe you'll listen to me. You've obviously been ignoring yourself." Xander twisted the cap off his beer. "So, all I know is what Bryon told us. Noam isn't arresting you and he isn't giving your secret away. I'm guessing he ended things with you?"
"Of course, he did. You can't expect him to stay after I hid stuff from him."
"It was more than just stuff. It's not like you told him you're a Leo when you're an Aquarius. The shit you hid you hid for a damn good reason. He has to see that."
"I'm sure he does, but it doesn't change the fact that I fucked up the trust that was between us and put him in a position that could cost him his career. If I'd been arrested by someone else and they found out Noam and I were dating, it would destroy his life." Kasey opened his own beer, flipping the cap into a planter he had beside the deck.
"So, this moping thing you have going on, is it because the relationship is over or is there more to it?"
"I don't fucking know. I miss him, but I don't blame him for not wanting to be with me. I get it. I really do. It's just this whole situation has made me question everything. I'm tired, Xan. We've been doing this for years and it's like we aren't even making a dent. There are more pedophiles out there than ever before. The internet has made it so easy for them to find kids. Are we really making a difference?"
"You tell me. In the last month we worked, we saved over twenty women and twelve kids. Those are people who are no longer being raped, sold, abused, beaten, or maybe even killed. On top of that, we castrated ten men last month. How many children did we save by making sure these men couldn't rape again? How many did we save by having these men locked up again?" Xander took a drink of his beer. "The way I see it, we might not see the good we do, but that's because those kids aren't raped, they aren't kidnapped, they aren't groomed, sold, and abused. We stopped that before it could happen."
Kasey stared at the ground, thinking about everything Xander had said. It was all true, but it didn't change the fact that more and more pedophiles were appearing. More willing to take the step to fulfill their disgusting desires and hurt children. When did it end?
"Listen, Bryon is ready for the team to start working again. He's got several stings lined up. He wants to put you into the rotation." Xander braced his arms on his knees as he stared at Kasey.
"Fuck!" Kasey arched his head back, closing his eyes. "When?"
"First one is tomorrow. Dyson's taking that, but there is another one Friday night. Bry wants you and me to take it. It's a married couple, their own kids on site. Both under the age of ten. Photos show they've been abused since they were as young as three."
Kasey's stomach turned.
"Think about it. Dyson will join me if you decide not to. No one is going to force you to do this if you're done. One way or another, you need to talk to Bryon and figure out what you're doing. The team wants and needs you. No matter what you do, you can't keep sitting around the house, wasting away." Xander leaned back in his chair. "We're not just a team, Kase, we're family. We are there for each other. We all know how hard this job can be, and with the shit you've gone through the last while with Noam, it makes it harder. But you can't let it make you stop living. You need to do something. If it's not working with the team, then find something else, but don't just sit around and wait to die."
Kasey stood, walking to the edge of the small patio as he looked out over his yard. "What about the risk? What if Noam decides to follow me? I'd lead him right to you guys. There are risks here, Xan. Big ones."
"There are, but only you can answer if Noam is really a risk. What does your heart tell you? Is he the type to go back on his word? Will he double-cross you?"
Kasey didn't have to think about the answer. He saw the look in Noam's eyes when they'd last talked. Noam would take their secret to his grave. "I'll be there Friday morning to go over the layout of the house and plan." Kasey took a long drink of his beer. "I'll call Bryon tonight and tell him."
"Good. Glad to hear it," Xander said from behind him. "Everyone's been worried about you, Kase. We still are. How can we help?"
Kasey shrugged. If he knew that, he would have been doing it already. There was a hole in his heart, an emptiness that nothing would fill. It drove him nuts that Noam had that kind of control over him. That he couldn't shake off what they'd had together. It hadn't even lasted long, but it was the single most important relationship he had in his life. No one would ever compare. "I don't know, Xan. I guess just time. I just need time."
"We'll give you time, but we won't let you sit here and sink into depression while you do it. So, from now on, you're going to be at the weekly meetings, you're going to be added to the rotation, and you are going to start picking up dinner on your nights for the team." Xander was suddenly behind him, one hand gripping his shoulder. "I know we don't say it to each other, but we're family and we do love you. You don't have to go through it all alone."
Kasey nodded, his throat tight with emotion.
"Good, then pull yourself together and meet me inside. We have an over-confident teen that we need to beat on Mario Kart, and I can't do it alone." Xander walked away.
Kasey took a deep breath, hoping his decision to go back to work was the right one. Now, each time Noam worked a case he'd know it had been Kasey or one of the team that did it. That was an overwhelming thought. He trusted Noam, he really did, but he also was aware of the stress this would add to Noam's job. The lying, the deceiving, the ignoring facts just so he could protect him and the team. It was going to be hard for Noam to face that day in and day out.
The only way he was going to get through this was to forget about Noam. He couldn't dwell on what they shared, he couldn't worry about him knowing, and he had to trust that the secret would remain between them. It was the only way he could move forward.
Determined to try and pull himself out of his depression and get on with life, Kasey turned and headed inside. As angry as he was with everyone just showing up, it was exactly what he needed, and having Faith be the one to call him on his shit had been the right choice. No matter how down he was, he refused to be negative around her. She was the light that reminded them why they did everything they did.
As long as there were children to save, he would do what he could to make sure they all came home safe.