chapter fifteen
The tension swirled around Noah and Lucia in the silence. What was he supposed to say? There was no answer that would work. Because at the end of the day he was lying to her. Had been for years. What are you going to do when she finds out what you did? He couldn't worry about that now. All he could do was keep her safe. Keep her protected. That was his job after all. What he'd vowed to do. Like he hadn’t been able to do for Rafe.
Lighting candles for his friend seemed like the most hypocritical thing he’d ever done. You are not the good guy. Despite what the padre said, God didn’t hear his prayers.
"You're really going to sit there and not say a word to me?" Lucia’s voice was low, but had a razor sharp edge.
He deftly navigated the Manhattan streets heading back to her apartment. “Lucia, I don't know what you want me to say. There is nothing to say. I'm doing my job. I'm keeping you safe."
She turned to him. "You see, that's the problem. I never asked for your help. I never asked you to keep me safe. I never asked for any of this. All I ever wanted was a normal life. But no, my brother was gunned down, and I had to see that. Had to watch that. I see it in my dreams every night. And there is nothing I can do about it, just like there was nothing I could do about it then. When you say things like you're protecting me, that's a joke. Because you can't protect me from the real horror." She tapped her temple. "It lives in here. The nightmare of my own making."
Noah’s gut twisted. "I can protect you. And I will. But I need you to stop. Stop asking questions. Stop poking. Stop digging. I need you to start listening to me because shit is about to get real."
"This is not a joke. You think I don't know shit is getting real? You have your goons following me everywhere I go. My grandmother is lying to me. You are lying to me. When do I get my life back?"
That was one lie he couldn’t tell. Because if he lied to her now, the consequences would be dire later. "I don't know."
"You see? That answer isn't good enough. Your lies are not going to cut it anymore. I'm not some kid. I’m not fifteen. You guys think I don't notice. You think I don't notice that Nonna has all that unexplained money. Seriously, you think I'm dumb enough to believe that she's been squirreling that away all this time?”
“No one thinks you’re dumb.”
She continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “I know there are times she went without things so that I could have something. She had that cash sitting there. She could afford a better place. But she stays there. She could travel more. I know it's always been her dream to see Italy. I thought she didn’t have the money. I’ve been working hard to give back and she’s lying to me. $5000 in a tin can in the back of her cabinet for a rainy day? That is a lie. It's been nothing but rainy days for a long damn time."
"Lucia —"
"No. Don't you sit there and lie to me. I know something is going on. Noah, you had cameras in my apartment. That explains so much now. How you always seem to know when I'm on a date. How you always come in just in time to keep me from doing things. You realize that’s sick, right? You’re like some crazy big brother stalker. You're worse than my grandmother. You think I don't know that you pay half my rent?"
He whipped his head around to stare at her. "What?"
"Yes, the super stopped me last week, and he said to tell you that the owners are upping the rent next month. And of course at the time, like an idiot, I thought he assumed you were my big brother or something, since you are the one asking all the questions about security and safety, and making changes to the apartment. Now I realize it's because you pay my rent. Damn it, Noah, I'm not a child. And it's time everyone stopped treating me like one."
"I'm not treating you like a child. I'm just trying to do what's right. If Rafe were here —"
"But he's not. And he hasn't been for a long time. Any obligation you had to my brother ended a long time ago. At some point, you have to let me live my life."
"You don't understand. Damn it, your life is in danger and you don't even know how much. And instead of helping me keep you safe, you’re throwing a tantrum because I pay your rent. You want to put my balls in a vice because there are things that I don't tell you?"
"Noah, this is my life. Much as you would love to live it for me, you can't. How do you know my life is in danger? What's the plan? What are you going to do about it? This is usually the point when people call, I don't know, professionals like the police. I have a right to know."
As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t tell her everything. As angry as she was with him right now, she would never speak to him again. It would forever change the way she looked at him. So he did what he did best; he deflected. "You know, I find it funny how you’re all over me about keeping secrets when one of the most important secrets has been held by you. You used my stud services, and you left out one very important detail. The secrets I keep from you aren't selfish." Liar. "They are for your benefit. Every last one of them. They're not for me. The secret you kept…you held on to it for yourself. Because you knew I would have stopped."
Lucia stared at him. "Are you being serious right now? You somehow think this compares?"
He’d relieved Ryan of duty and taken over her watch after mass. He was still just as tense as he was yesterday. She watched as his grip tightened on the steering wheel. She could always tell when a point hit too close to home. "Lucia, this isn’t a comparison, but this is a conversation we can have. One that doesn't put your life in more danger."
When they reached her apartment, he parked the car. He and Oskar pulled their typical watch pattern, one in front, one in back. Eyes open, always aware. Oskar took his post outside her door as Noah ushered her in. The placement of his hand on her lower back made her tingle. It also made her fume.
She turned on him. "Would you get your hands off of me?"
"Would you stop being so damn touchy? I was being polite."
"Polite? Like how you walked out on me? Was that polite?"
Noah threw up his hands. "Jesus fucking Christ. You seriously are never going to understand. I woke up, ready and willing to go another round. And then I got that goddamn call. The one that told me that the woman I spent half my life protecting was in danger. So I’m sorry if I couldn't crawl back in bed for a cuddle and a poke, but I had bigger things to deal with, like keeping you safe. I had to scramble to get someone here to watch you. And then I had to get back to the office so I could comb through your life and figure out who has the means and opportunity to hurt you. And then I had to start combing through my past, and Rafe's past. Because you’ve never done anything to anybody, so why anyone would want to hurt you is beyond me. I'm sorry that I couldn't be the kind of guy who brought you breakfast in bed, but you would think I could get some fucking credit for trying to do the right thing."
"You jackass. I wasn’t asking for breakfast in bed. Shit, a text would've done. Something…anything so that I didn't have to wake up alone not knowing where you were or what happened. Or wondering if that was the worst sex you'd ever had in your life. But no, you let me wake up alone with Dylan at my door." Her breath heaved out of her chest, and the flush crept up her neck as she remembered the loneliness. The embarrassment.
Noah blinked. His lips parted and his brows furrowed in confusion. "Is that what you thought? Seriously?” He shook his head. “You saw me. I could barely move. I'm pretty sure you almost killed me. I have never felt like that before."
His words didn't compute because the emotion choked all blood flow to her synapses. Before she knew it, she was spilling her guts, emotion charging every word. "You promised you would always be here for me. Do you know what that's like? When the one person you're supposed to count on is gone after something like that? You’ve always been my constant, and then you ran like a coward."
"I didn't run. You have to know that it was not my choice to leave you. How can you not know how I feel?"
She felt that way? Because you're an idiot. Like a moron, he didn’t even think to talk to her. To tell her. Give her any indication. Instead you walked out. Shit. Yes, he'd been reeling. He had never felt anything like that in his life. The fact that he felt that with Lucia, that shook him. He'd been her protector for so long.
Who was he kidding? She'd always been more than someone to protect. Even when she was just a kid, he'd always gravitated toward being around her. How many other twenty-year-olds had fifteen-year-old kids for friends? She was smart, and sassy, and there was something so good about her. Something that he wished would rub off on him.
Even then, he'd hoped for some kind of redemption. He was good at what he did, too good. Someone like Lucia, a part of him had hoped that being near her could save him. And she had in a way. After Rafe, he'd known he had to protect her.
"You have to know, everything I've done, I've done to protect you. And I know that you don't believe me, but it's the truth." He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. He sucked at this. He didn’t do feelings. Feelings got you hurt. Feelings got you killed. Like Rafe.
"Noah, when are you going to see I'm not fifteen anymore? I don't need protecting."
The fury and self-hatred simmered under his skin. He stormed over to her, deliberately crowding her. He needed her to see what he was. "Do you know where I come from, Lucia? The things I've done? I can't even tell you. You would be so horrified it'd change how you look at me."
She blinked up at him and shook her head. "Noah, why do you think I was a virgin at twenty-one? Why do you think that I never managed to make it work with anyone?"
She wanted answers? Fine, he’d give them to her. "Because I've been interfering. I run off anyone who even gets close to you. What's worse, I lie to myself, and I tell myself that I'm protecting you. But really, I can't stand the idea of someone else with their hands on you."
She held his gaze. "Maybe some of that was you. But if any of those guys ever had a shot, they wouldn't have been easily run off. They would've stuck. They would've stayed. Risked an ass beating. But they all ran. And to be truthful, they were all your stand-in. For me, it’s you. It's always been you."
Noah shook his head, but he couldn't bring himself to move away from her. "I don't deserve you." But you want her.
"Let me decide for myself."
Noah stared down into her gray eyes. You're not good enough for her. You are going to get her killed. She deserves better. She deserves someone good. She wants you.
Despite all the things that he knew about what was good for her and all the things he knew about that were dangerous for her, he couldn't stop. "Fuck it." Noah's arms snapped around her and drew her up close and he crashed his lips to hers.