chapter nine
Lucia tossed back her first and only shot of the night and wiggled her hips to the techno beat blaring through the club. This wasn’t usually her scene, but after how tense everything had been, she had to admit that JJ was right. Alcohol and dancing were the cure for almost anything.
“Are you having fun?” JJ yelled over the music. As usual, her friend looked amazing, even while sweaty and tired.
Lucia pushed back a curl that had escaped from the high bun she’d eventually pulled her hair into. No matter how she started the night her hair always ended up in a bun. It was the only way to contain the frizz.
“I am. This is exactly what I needed,” she yelled back.
JJ smiled but her eyes kept going to something over Lucia’s shoulder. She turned and saw a tall, well-built blond guy near the bar who was staring at JJ.
“That guy is cute. You should go talk to him.”
JJ shrugged. “Maybe later. Gotta make him work for it.” But even as she said the words, her eyes slid back over to the bar.
Suddenly, Lucia realized why her friend was being so nonchalant. She wasn’t much for clubbing, but even she knew the rules. You don’t ditch your friends for a guy unless you’re sure they’ll be okay without you. Since it was just the two of them, JJ wasn’t going to leave her alone. Which made her feel guilty. Just because she had no sex life, it didn’t mean that her friends should have to suffer.
“Go talk to him. I’m fine. Actually I’m going to head out anyway.”
“Are you sure?” JJ bit her lip and glanced back over at the bar. Lucia turned around too and then laughed when the guy winked at her friend.
“Yes, I’m sure. Go!” She pushed JJ in his direction and then grabbed the small clutch she’d abandoned on top of the table when they started doing shots. She watched wistfully as JJ approached the bar and climbed onto the stool next to blondie.
She’d give anything to have her friend’s confidence but truthfully, it probably wouldn’t even matter if she did. Her heart had been lost years ago to a grumpy, overbearing asshole she’d never have. On that depressing thought, she walked down the stairs separating the bar area from the main dance floor. The club was packed and before long Lucia was overheated and slightly nauseous from being bounced between all the people.
Suddenly, someone grabbed her from behind. Lucia twisted frantically and screeched as adrenaline flooded her system. But in the midst of the crowded dance floor it was impossible to move away.
“Get your hands off me!”
The music was so loud that no one paid any attention as she was picked up and carried through the crowd. She went slack, forcing her attacker to carry the full brunt of her body weight. To her surprise, he just turned her around and threw her over his shoulder. She got only a glimpse of Noah’s pissed off expression before she found herself hanging upside down.
Shock made her compliant. How the hell had he found her?
Finally they reached a dark part of the club. Noah set her gently on her feet and put his arms on the wall on either side of her to keep her from escaping.
“How did you know where I was?”
Noah glowered at her. “I have my ways. What the hell is wrong with you, Lulu? Do you think this is a game?”
His use of her old nickname sent shock through her system. No one had called her that in a very long time. Not since Rafe died.
“I’m not playing games. I’m just trying to live my life. A life that doesn’t include you.”
“Is that really what you want?”
“No. None of this is what I want. What I want is for my big brother to be alive and for him to be here annoying me right now instead of you. So go away and leave me alone.”
“That’s not the world we live in. And since we don’t live in fantasyland, there is no way that I’m going to leave you alone, ever. I failed him but I will not fail you.”
“What does that mean?”
Noah sighed and bowed his head. He wasn’t going to tell her. It always came back to this, his inability to let her in.
He moved to block her when she tried to walk away but at her evil glare, he allowed her to pass. It took quite a bit of maneuvering to get to the door past all the sweaty, moving bodies, and she had no doubt that Noah’s hulking presence behind her was the only thing that got most of the people to move. What a metaphor for the rest of my life, she thought with amusement. Noah had always been like that, largely unseen in the background of her life until she needed him.
Outside, she took a big gulp of fresh air. It occurred to her that this was the perfect time to make a run for it. If she surprised him, there was a chance she could catch a cab and get in before he could catch up. As if he could guess her thoughts, he leaned over and whispered “Don’t even think about running.”
“There you are! I saw you get grabbed…” JJ suddenly appeared on the sidewalk next to her. “Oh, it’s you.” She looked between them with a knowing smirk on her face. “Hi, Noah.”
Noah nodded in her direction. “Hi, JJ. Do you need a ride home?”
“No, I’m good. There’s a sexy Viking inside who’s going to plunder my spoils tonight. But thanks.”
Noah grimaced, unsettled as always by JJ’s bluntness. “Great.”
JJ was aware that she wasn’t his favorite person, and it had never bothered her. Instead she took the opportunity to needle him every chance she could.
“Heard you’ve been playing with dildos. I can get you one of your own if you want.”
“No, that won’t be necessary.” Noah looked almost green now.
“Okay, if you’re sure. I get a discount so it’s no biggie. Hope you enjoyed the stripper-gram the other day. That was my idea.”
Lucia snorted behind her hand, the events of the week and the long night of dancing suddenly catching up with her. The street swam before her and she would have fallen over if Noah hadn’t caught her.
“And that’s our cue to get home.” Noah flagged down a passing cab. JJ stood back as he bent and scooped Lucia into his arms.
“Wait. Noah, she was really hurt by whatever happened between you guys earlier. Will you…just be careful with her, okay?”
“I would never do anything to hurt her.”
Then it occurred to Lucia that JJ didn’t know that she’d been drinking virgin margaritas all night. She probably thought Lucia was drunk. Lucia almost lifted her head to tell them both she could take care of herself but then stopped.
She was finally where she’d always longed to be. In Noah’s arms.
Her heart pounded so hard it felt like it was trying to escape her body as she curled her fingers in the front of his shirt, wishing she had the right to do this all the time. But for now all she could do was rest her head on his shoulder and absorb the feeling of being safe and secure in his arms.
Anything else would have to wait.
The ride home seemed to take forever. The entire time, Noah looked down at the sleeping angel in his arms and wished that things could be different.
Lucia deserved the kind of guy that could be honest with her and tell her his darkest secrets. Share everything. But that would never happen. His darkest secrets would break her, and that was the absolute last thing he would ever want to do.
The cab pulled up outside her building, and Noah shifted slightly to pull out his wallet. He handed over a few bills, not even caring if he’d overpaid. All of his attention was on taking care of Lucia. He’d never seen her the way she’d been tonight. For an hour, he’d stood in the shadows watching as she drank and danced and looked more lost by the minute. Maybe no one else would have been able to tell, but he could see the sadness in her eyes and it killed him to know he’d put it there.
He’d broken her trust, and he’d do it over and over again. There was no possible happy ending to this scenario. She’d only be hurt more deeply the closer she got to him.
Lucia stirred only when he had to set her on her feet to open her apartment door. Even then, she leaned against him, almost melting into him, looking up at him with achingly big gray eyes.
“It’s okay, princess. We’re home.”
As he whispered the words, he’d never wished more intensely that they could be true. That this could be his home and that he could belong there. It had been so long since he’d had a true home.
She closed her eyes and leaned against him again as he carried her inside. Noah didn’t bother with the lights since he knew every inch of her apartment just as well as he knew his own place. He settled Lucia on the couch and shrugged out of his jacket. After a moment of hesitation, he took his holster off as well. He was going to have to wake her to get some water in her and she hated to see his gun, always had.
He walked into the kitchen and retrieved a bottle of water from the fridge. After opening it, he took a swig himself. Even though he hadn’t been drinking, he’d spent an hour sweating bullets wondering where she was before finally tracking her through JJ’s phone. He wasn’t sure if Matthias had done something illegal to find out where she was, and he wouldn’t be asking.
He walked back into the living room and knelt next to the couch where Lucia had burrowed into the pillows.
“Lucia? I need you to drink some water.”
She sat up slightly and took a few sips. Her eyes stayed on him the whole time. After draining about half of the bottle, she set it aside.
“Let’s get you into bed.”
She shook her head. “Not yet.”
Noah swallowed hard as he watched her. She was so damn beautiful. The curtains had been left open and moonlight illuminated the living room. There were several shoes kicked off by the door, like she’d had trouble deciding which ones to wear that morning.
He eased her onto the couch and pulled a throw over her. Unable to help himself, he watched her sleeping for a moment. If he could he’d memorize the lines of her face and the adorable way she moved her lips while she slept, like her mind didn’t stop working, even in sleep.
When she suddenly opened her eyes, he wasn’t ready for it. They stared at each other, naked emotion on display for a few seconds before she shocked the hell out of him by tugging on his hand until he sat on the couch next to her. She scooted over to make room for him.
“How do you do it?”
Her voice was soft in the quiet of the room but still penetrated all the way to the deepest part of him.
“What?” he asked gruffly.
“How do you live without knowing why?”
Surprised to see her eyes wide open and completely alert, Noah wasn’t prepared for her to ask that. “That’s not really a middle of the night conversation, princess. Go to sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning.”
Lucia sat up in bed and crossed her arms. “I’m not drunk, Noah. I was drinking virgin drinks all night.”
“I saw you do a shot.”
“Yeah. A shot. As in…one. I was able to fool JJ into thinking I was partying before that but then she wanted to do shots. I couldn’t really ask the bartender for a shot of apple juice.”
Noah laughed. “Why do you hang out with her, anyway?”
At that, Lucia glared at him from the corner of her eye. “Maybe she’s loud and brash and occasionally pushes me to do things outside my comfort zone but you know what else she is? Honest. With JJ, what you see is what you get. She would never lie to me. That’s just not how she rolls.”
Noah closed his eyes. “I know you’re still angry with me.”
She had every right to be pissed at him but it wouldn’t change anything. He still couldn’t confide in her, and he was still going to annoy the hell out of her by hovering.
“I miss him so much.”
When he looked at her again, Noah was shocked to see tears streaming down her cheeks. Lucia was an emotional person but carried herself with such dignity. He’d only seen her cry the day of Rafe’s funeral. She’d put on a stoic face as she consoled her grandmother that terrible day and every day since. But apparently Lucia was as skilled at hiding her true feelings as he was.
Moved by her emotion, he moved closer and gently thumbed away the tears. She sighed and pressed her cheek into the palm of his hand, and Noah knew with certainty that he’d never love anyone else quite like this.
“I miss him too, princess. Every fucking day. I’m always thinking about what he’d do in a situation or what he’d say if he were here.”
She looked at him pleadingly. “How do I let this go? If I stop looking for answers, it feels like I’m letting him down. Because he’d never stop searching for justice for me. Never. Even if he was afraid of what he’d find.”
Not caring that this was far too intimate, Noah pulled her to him. Lucia let out a sob and clung to him, her arms wrapped around his neck so tight he almost couldn’t breathe. He welcomed the discomfort. He’d take any pain for her. Anything but telling her the truth that would devastate her so completely.
“I can’t stand to see you cry,” he whispered.
Lucia glanced up at him and then slowly raised her hand to his cheek. He was shocked when she drew it back and her fingers were wet.
“I don’t want you to be hurt either,” Lucia said. Then she curled her hand behind his neck and tugged him closer.
He should have pulled back. He should have turned away. But, the only thing he could do in that moment was allow her to guide his lips to hers. The first brush of their lips sent a shock through Noah that jolted him to the core. The kiss was soft, sweet, and it filled Noah with a sense of rightness that he’d never felt before. This woman was his sun, his sky, and his reason for existence.
“I love you, Noah.” Her whispered words sent him soaring, and then just as quickly, crashing again.
She couldn’t love him. She didn’t truly know him. If she did, she wouldn’t be looking at him with her heart in her lovely gray eyes. A good guy would tell her that, turn her away. Protect her from himself.
Then Lucia smiled and kissed him again, and he was lost.