I was just over seven months, and I was miserable. Not miserable being pregnant, but miserable, because I wasn’t allowed to do anything and Grayson made sure of it. Not only could I quote the entire series of Friends verbatim, but this also included How I Met Your Mother and The Office.

Grayson didn’t want to discuss anything having to do with Claudia or the baby. He said it was over for good, in the past, and he preferred to keep it that way.

I was walking back and forth through the house, trying to stretch my legs and get the blood flow going. I started getting that feeling that something was wrong. Normally when I did my morning walk, that lasted all of three minutes until Flutter (the name Grayson is now referring to our child as) usually moved. The walking was the highlight of its day.

I sat down on the couch and rubbed my belly. I had slight cramping earlier in the day, but I read that was common. I continued rubbing my belly, trying to wake Flutter up. Apparently, he or she wasn’t having it, but I’m sure he or she would be more alive at today’s appointment.

Grayson was running late, which was fine, because we were just doing an ultrasound, and this time, I was going to try to convince him to let us know the sex. I was convinced it was a boy, and Grayson was convinced it was a girl, based on the fact that the baby was already making him go grey.

Linda our ultrasound tech was getting me ready with the fetal doppler.

“How’s everything been?” she asked, as she got the wand ready.

“So far, so good. I hate the bed rest.” I rubbed my belly. “Flutter has been quiet, which is a bit unusual, but probably getting all the sleep it can now, because it’ll be up every night once it’s born.”

Linda laughed as she moved the wand around, as she looked for the heartbeat. I took a deep breath as I looked down at my belly. “Come on Flutter, stop being stubborn.”

Linda smiled, but it quickly faded. “Let me try another doppler, I’ll be right back.” I watched her leave and pulled out my phone. There was a message from Grayson saying he was ten minutes away and to not under any circumstances find out the sex before he gets here. I laughed. Fine, I’ll hold out for another few minutes.

Linda came back with another Doppler. “Okay, let’s try this one.” Her brows were creased as she moved the wand all over my belly. Her expression was grim, as she continued to move the wand.

“Is something wrong?”

She smiled nervously. “I’m just going to have Dr. Blythe take a better look. I’ll be back in a moment.” Before I could say anything, she left the room. The feeling that I had earlier that day, started creeping back. I rubbed my hands over my stomach. “Flutter. You need to stop playing around.”

A few seconds later Dr. Blythe came in with the ultrasound machine. “Emmalin, we’re just going to do a quick check okay?”

“Is something wrong? Is everything okay?”

She didn’t answer me as she flipped on the machine and spread a glop of gel on my stomach. She moved the wand around, and her face immediately hardened. Her hand went to my stomach, applying a little pressure.

I nervously laughed. “You’re making me nervous here, Dr. Blythe. What’s going on?”

She took another glance at the monitor, before setting the wand down, and her shoulders dropped. “Is someone here with you?”

I looked at her confused. “Grayson is on his way, but what does that have to do with anything? What is going on?!”

She looked back at the screen, then to me. “I’m sorry Emmalin, but there’s no heartbeat.”

Everything froze.

I felt a panic attack coming through. I tried ignoring it and let out a small laugh. “That’s ridiculous.” I stared at Dr. Blythe, and her expression was full of sorrow. The panic that I had pushed down started to come back up, and I could feel my heart beating a hundred beats a minute. “It’s just your machine! Use another machine!”

She placed her hand on top of mine. “Emmalin, I’m sorry. There wasn’t any read on the fetal doppler, and there’s nothing on the ultrasound.”

I stared at the ultrasound screen that showed my baby. I rubbed my belly trying to get him to wake up. “He’s right there!” I pointed to the screen. “He’s fine, he’s just asleep!”

Another nurse came in and whispered to Dr. Blythe. She nodded. “Emmalin, your husband is here. I’m going to bring him back, okay?”

I tried taking a few deep breaths. This wasn’t happening. Grayson will tell her. He’ll tell her she was wrong. We’ll use another machine and we’ll all be fine. I looked back at the ultrasound machine. He’s right there. I kept telling myself. He’s right there. It felt like hours before the door opened again, and Grayson peered in. Grief was written all over his face. I pointed to Dr. Blythe. “Can you tell her to try another machine. Please!”

He walked over to me, and wrapped his arms around me. I felt tears building up. “Please. Please tell her Grayson. Please.” I pleaded, because he’ll tell her. He’ll tell her and then we’ll see our baby and listen to the heartbeat. He’ll tell her.

He looked down at me, eyes red. “I can’t, baby.”

I looked from him to Dr. Blythe, and I tried swallowing the lump that formed in my throat. But I couldn’t and suddenly burst into tears.

After a few minutes, Grayson turned to Dr. Blythe. “Are you a hundred percent sure?”

She nodded. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

I shut my eyes. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t want to be anywhere. I wanted this day over. I wanted everything over. “What now?” Grayson, asked quietly.

“We need to induce labor. Emmalin will deliver, and you can have time with the baby. Most people prefer holding the baby, taking pictures as a memento.”

I laughed. “You want me to take pictures with my dead baby and act like I’m happy about that? Is this a joke? When people take pictures with their babies, they’re happy, they’re smiling. Not crying because they’re holding a dead baby!”

“Emmalin,” Grayson whispered.

“I want to go home.”

“When can it be done,” Grayson asked.

“We prefer as soon as possible. If you want to take a day or two, that’s fine. But it has to be done.”

I shut my eyes, and she and Grayson exchanged a few more words. I just wanted to block it out. I wanted to block everything out. This couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t happening. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping and praying this was all just a dream. One of those weird dreams pregnant women get. It’s just a dream…right?