I’m losing my damn mind. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Am I really going to turn myself in like this? Who in their right mind would do such a thing? I’m a fucking fool. There’s no doubt about that. The shit a man will do for pussy.

I can’t stop pretending. I love the damn woman. But this, this is too much. I sit in my corner and hold my pistol. I’m drinking heavily too because there’s nothing else left for me. I just want to feel something, dammit. Anything. Just give me the feeling she gave me. Make me whole again.

I hold my gun and point it at my face. Of course, I immediately turn away and drop it. “Fuck!” I scream, trying my hardest not to sob. I hit the bottle over and over again, until I’m crawling around on the cold rubble around me. I’m a loser. A fucking loser. I’ve ruined my life and I deserve all I can get.

Ricky. That motherfucker Ricky Luccioti. How the hell did he ever become the boss? It’s no wonder why this family is so fucked up. They’ve got this guy in charge of everything. The crew is falling apart anyway. Pretty soon, there will be no one left. A new generation of assholes will grow up to run it back into the ground.

I remember one guy I shot dead. Thirty-two bullets in the back and head. It was Tommy Lacarto and me, back in those golden days, the heyday of our escapades. We used to call him “Tommy the Cart,” on account of his last name. But he was fucking ruthless too. He wouldn’t take any shit from anyone. And when someone mouthed off, boy, you better believe they’d be leaving in a body bag. He could fill a cart of bodies every month. That’s why he was called The Cart.

Those days always seemed so fun. We were young. We had no idea what we were really doing. We just copied the guys before us. Only, we knew we had to be a little crazier than those guys. Those guys died. Those guys ended up in prison.

We took over the whole city, of course, and everything changed for the better. Or, so I thought. In reality, we were all digging our own graves.

So when Tommy and me shot that bastard thirty-two times in the back, we just laughed. We actually thought it was funny. Can anyone believe that? That’s how fucked up in the head we were.

But, I remember what the guy said before we shot him. I remember how he acted. He wasn’t scared. He didn’t even try to run away or put up a fight. Instead, he just knew his time was up. The bastard just knew it in his bones. I remember him saying “It all ends like this, you know.”

That confused me so I asked him what the hell he was talking about. Tommy just laughed, drunk off his power. It scared me, though. I wanted to know what he meant by that.

“It all ends like this. Either you end up in a jail cell, rotting like a corpse. Or you end up dead, betrayed by your own kind,” he said to me. “The thing I don’t get though, does it all turn black?”

That’s when Tommy blasted him. Shot him right in the spine and watched him bleed out. I grabbed my gun and shot a few times without looking. I didn’t know what else to do. I had to end the guy’s suffering. Not that I was a good guy or anything. I was a piece of shit and that’s why I am where I am today. Still, it sends chills down my spine thinking about it.

Does it all turn black? Maybe. I sure hope not. I hope it all comes back around. Only, maybe I can make it better next time. Shit, I keep repeating my thoughts over and over in my head. The plight of a prisoner is going crazy. You don’t learn anything. Nothing gets solved. You just lose who you are. You turn into a monster, probably worse than before.

I grab the gun and put it in my mouth. I do it so fast I don’t have time to think. I pull the trigger, feeling the weight of the barrel scratch against my teeth. Shit. It’s the only word that comes to mind when I pull the trigger. Shit.

I hear that clicking noise and it’s heavy as, well, shit. There’s no spark though, no loud bang, or the feeling of hot fire racing through my brain. No blood pours out. It’s just me and my broken gun. Figures.

I toss the gun away and feel the tears falling down from my eyes. “I can’t even die right,” I say to myself, shaking my head. That’s how much of a fucking failure I am. Well, I take another swig of my drink and pick myself up off the ground. I start walking.

This is the end for me. That much I know. But first, I need to make a pit stop.

Chapter: 19: Bianca

Giovanni comes into my room like a thundercloud crashing at dawn. He slams my door and stands against the hallway. He doesn’t say a word. All he does is stare.

“What do you want?” I ask him. “Come on. I’m trying to sleep.”

“I don’t care about your sleeping habits,” he says. Finally, he walks toward my old computer desk and sits down. He gives a deep exhale and opens his mouth slightly, choosing his words carefully.

“Look, there’s something I should tell you,” he says. “It’s about your situation and it involves some members of the family business.”

“Stop talking in code,” I tell him, sitting up from my comfy bed. My heart starts to pound and I get the feeling that this isn’t going to be one of those nice heart to heart talks other brothers and sisters have together. “Tell me what’s going on. What’s happened to Hunter?”

He takes another deep breath and tells me everything. “He’s going to Ricky. I shouldn’t even be telling you this. He’s giving himself up,” he says. My body seems to float away from me. My soul is crushed and my heart is currently deflating. “He thought it was about time.”

“About time?” I repeat my brother’s words. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” My voice goes shrill and I don’t care any longer. I stand up out of bed, wearing my pajamas, and scream at him. “Where is Hunter?”

“He can’t keep running. It’ll catch up to him eventually,” he says.

I can’t help but mutter, “Bullshit. He could have stayed the course. He could have been fine. They’d give up searching for him eventually. They’re not the FBI.”

“No we’re not the FBI. We’re more powerful than them,” he says. “But that doesn’t matter to me. He needed to do this, Bianca. If he didn’t, you could have gotten hurt. Ricky is crazy enough to kill a family member. He doesn’t give two shits if you’re male or female. He barely respects the code as it is.”

“I don’t know what to say, other than demand you tell me where exactly he’s meeting him,” I say, tears welling up against my eyes. I feel one fall across my cheek, landing onto my bed.

“I can’t do that,” he says, getting up from my desk. He turns to walk from my room to the hallway. “I just thought… I just thought you should know. Sorry.”

“Tell me where he is!” I scream, throwing a pillow at the door. It’s too late. It’s already shut and a few seconds later, I can hear the crunching of leaves against his shoes outside.

It’s over. I fall against my bed and start bawling. I can’t fucking help it. I can’t just bottle these emotions up. An hour later, I think about searching for him, but when I walk outside, the task is daunting. I could go to where he’s been staying, but I have a feeling he’s not there anymore. I could go to Ricky and try my best, but that won’t work out well for me either.

So, before I know it, I’m asleep. I give up because everything just seems so… daunting. The whole night I dream of Hunter. I dream of us getting married, us having children and buying a nice simple house on the coast. I dream about it all, but when I wake up, I know everything will be over.