12

BRYNN

My shit choices were about to cost me my family. Again. Levi had been patient for weeks. Waiting for me to come clean. How could I, though? How could I tell him I had selfishly endangered his life, his daughter’s life, by letting this thing happen between us?

I couldn’t. For weeks, brick after brick had been torn down, built upon the shaky foundation of the choices I kept from him. I promised him every day I was here to stay, knowing that was a lie. I knew at some point, I had to go. I hoped foolishly I might be able to come back to him and Amelia. Now…. I knew I was about to destroy that chance.

“Just ask. You deserve to know.” For days, we had danced around it.

For weeks, we’d engaged in this dance. Levi asking while I denied. Me accepting the desperate expression of his love because I needed it. Wanted it. Still, we continued to dance. Around phone calls and messages I avoided while I kept dancing. Putting up bricks even as I tore them down.

Levi was a calm and clever man. Loving to me and his daughter, promising us everything and delivering. Loyal and supportive to our friends. A dedicated firefighter. The best man I had ever known. I didn’t deserve this kingdom, and I didn’t deserve it’s king.

“Is there someone else, Brynn?” Levi’s voice was hollow, pained and it bounced off the walls, aimed right at me.

“There is no one else. I swear to Christ, there is no one else. Nothing else I want but you and Amelia. Chicago and this house.” I sink into his favorite chair, bowing my head as I prepare to come clean.

“Then what the fuck is going on! What is keeping you from giving me everything? I begged you not to do this if you couldn’t give me everything, like I gave you. We deserve your everything, Brynn. If you can’t do that…” I look up at him, tears already staining my cheeks.

“I can’t. Not because I don’t want to. I mean, I can…just not yet. I need to take care of something back in Boston. I should have never let this get so far before….” I wipe at my face, angry at myself for making such shitty choices.

“You need to tell me, Brynn. I can’t…I am going out of my fucking mind. I need to know. You can’t expect me to keep waiting for you to give us everything. Not without you telling me what is going on.” Levi’s voice went tighter with every word.

He had given me time. Had waited patiently. Then he had begged me to give him those final bricks. To give him the rest of me that I had stowed away, fearing the pieces wouldn’t fit into the perfect castle he had been building for us. Now I had no choice.

“It’s bedtime for her,” I nod at our—his daughter and he turns on his heel before I can continue.

Levi takes her to her room, the room that started this entire fantasy for us both. Or restarted it, I suppose. Because we both know it started that summer night in Hunter’s family barn.

I follow down the hall, but I continue past her room. I step into the room we have shared for the past few months. Signs of us together are everywhere. It’s no longer the home he shared with someone else. It is our home and it is killing me to think of walking out of it tonight. But, I made this choice and I know what I have to do.

I made it easy on myself, leaving half my stuff at Lola’s place. Because, I knew this night would come. Maybe not this way, but I knew it was on the horizon. It takes me just a few minutes to shove my things into the leather bag I brought here all those weeks ago.

I am just zipping it shut when Levi steps into the room.

“What…so you are going to be the one to walk away?” Levi accuses with nothing but pain in his voice.

“No.” I startle us both, because I thought that maybe that was exactly what I was doing.

Watching him in the doorway, I want nothing more than to go to him and let him hold me while I hold him. Let him build this fantasy that can protect us both from the reality of a life of bad choices. I know I can’t. I know I have to face my choices.

But, knowing what I can have here, I am suddenly fueled with rage and contempt. I won’t just give up.

“Then, what…” Levi shoves a hand through his thick hair, and I note that he needs a cut.

“I will go if you ask me to.” I catch my breath as he takes two big steps, towering over me.

“I won’t be the one to end this. I warned you of that once.”

“You might. My choices…every one of them I made before I ever knew you. Might change your mind, Levi.” My voice breaks as he presses closer, cupping my neck, thumbs at my jaw.

“I fucking love you, Brynn. What can change that?” He whispers his lips over mine and I choke on a sob, clutching at him.

For long moments, I let him hold me as we kiss. Its desperate and pained and washes away the anger of tonight and all the nights before. But it might be the last one, and so I savor it.

“A lot can change love, Levi. I love you. I love you and Amelia with my entire heart. My entire soul. I am a different person because of you two. Because of the life you have given me. But the person I was before…. you might not even like her, if you had known her.” Levi frowns and starts to shake his head.

“You asked. Let me explain.” We sit at the edge of the bed and I do just that.

I explain it all. Abbi’s adoption and how painful it was. How my mother cared only about hiding it. Her ensuing abandonment. The loss I felt after losing what was left of my family with one choice. I leave nothing out; not the anger, guilt, shame or the pain and disgust I felt.

Levi knows some of this, of course. It’s the choices I made after he knows nothing about.

While I talk, he holds my hands tightly in his, saying nothing. I don’t know what will happen when I finish my story. But I know that having him there to listen, having those big hands holding mine, hearing his breathing as I lay my pain out piece by piece, it’s the most absolved I had ever felt.

As I begin to detail my relationship with Bernie, it changes. I see the anger and jealousy twist his handsome face. Shock. Pain. Even some good old-fashioned disgust. All of which I know I earned.

“A few weeks ago, before my crazy came out and I insisted on erasing Isabel from your home, I got a call from Brad’s lawyer. I had no idea we were set to get a trust from our Grandfather Gold’s estate. My mother spent years fighting it and lost. Just like that, I had enough money to pay Bernie back ten times over,” I sigh as I shove to my feet as my energy ramps up.

“I just know better. Bernie does not want money. I mean, I intend to ask. Intend to offer it and insist they let me go. I just doubt it is what he wants. Why follow us around if it’s just about money?” I see the moment I made the mistake; at the word ‘US’ his eyebrows hike up and he too shoots to his feet.

“Us? You mean to tell me…a crime family enforcer has been following my family? My daughter?” He darts his gaze towards her door across the hall.

“I don’t know, Levi. He says things that he can’t know unless…. I mean unless he is around.” I stop breathing as he walks gets into my space, lowering his head to glare down at me.

“How long, Brynn?” Icy steel, his voice rips through me.

“A week or two.” I wince when he curses a hot streak of anger, spinning away from me.

“Two fucking weeks? You let our daughter be in danger for two fucking weeks? Lied to me every fucking day. Looked me in my fucking face and told me you loved me, that you loved your daughter, while some crazy fuck has been following us?” I back away, suddenly terrified of the rage he’s showing.

Panic and fear drown me because he’s right. At any moment since I realized Bernie might be here, he could have hurt me. Could have hurt Amelia. I risked that because I was selfish and thought I could hide inside this fantasy. I put my innocent Princess at risk, lied to her father and cost me the best thing I had ever had.

“I am sorry. I was so stupid. I was scared. I didn’t lie to you. I love you. Both of you. So much. I just…didn’t know how to explain. How do I tell you what a fucking mess of a human being I was then? The terrible choices I made?” Levi laughs, crossing his arms at his chest and looking towards the ceiling.

“You tell me. At the beginning. You let me know about you. Let me inside, like I did. I told you everything. Even the shit that cost me. The shit I don’t tell anyone. Not even the woman I married. I gave you everything, Brynn. Would have given you any single thing you could have asked. You couldn’t even give me the truth. Couldn’t give my daughter the truth.” I bow my head and back away, my knees hitting the bed.

“I know. I know, Levi. I’m…I’m so sorry. Please…. just tell me what to do.” Just like that, the entire house goes quiet.

I don’t hear the clock ticking down the hall. Don’t hear the nursery rhymes playing on Amelia’s mobile. No traffic outside or air moving through the open windows in the kitchen. All I can hear is my heart breaking because I know his answer before he speaks it.

We look at each other and I watch our castle fall all around us. I tore it down, and it took just one small piece. All I had to do was trust him, the way he had trust me. Put them first like I pretended I’d been doing all this time. If I had been, though, I would never have risked this moment.

I would have given him every single brick he needed to make us safe as he built the castle he wanted to give us.

Levi walls himself up as I watch, taking a cue from my example. It’s the most painful sight I have ever seen. The past months of loving, touching, laughing, he tucks them away and puts faded, empty bricks in their place. When he speaks, his voice is the only part of him I recognize and it’s like a wrecking ball.

“You packed for a reason. I want you to go. I can take you hurting me. I wish it was that easy. I could take you cheating or lying or gambling, Brynn. I can’t take you hurting my daughter. I want you to go. For good. This is done.” My knees give out and I slide to the floor, missing the bed.

“Levi, please. I love you. You’re my family. You’re all I have. Please don’t…” Levi turns his back to me, pausing at the doorway.

“I fucking love you Brynn. I would never have walked away if it was just about me. But I told you…it’s about us. And I won’t let you hurt my daughter. I won’t let you risk her like this again. I’ll let you say goodbye to her. Then I want you gone. I’ll sleep in her room tonight.” Then he’s gone and for the third time, he takes my heart with him.

Only now, it’s not whole and it won’t ever be again.

This time, I stay. I don’t leave until the next morning, after I get up with Amelia. Not that I slept the night before. I couldn’t bear to climb into the bed we had shared; in fact, I don’t think I ever moved from the spot he had left me in.

I wake up early and Levi’s gone, but I know he’ll be back. He’s letting me having some time with her and I need it. I change her and put her in the last outfit I bought for her, just days before on our shopping outing with Lola and Ford.

“Hey Princess. I love you, baby. I love you more than I thought I could love another soul. I may not be your mama but I feel like I could have been. I wanted it, Amelia. I wanted you and your daddy and us, so bad. Not bad enough, I suppose. I was so ashamed…to show you both my scars, my mistakes, and that cost me everything. I won’t ever regret this, but I will regret being so weak. Not being strong enough for you,” I choke back sob when she touches her forehead to mine, cooing nonsense.

“You deserve a queen and a castle and the entire fantasy, baby. I wanted to give it to you and I am so sorry I can’t. So sorry I couldn’t slay my dragons for you. I let them in our walls and for that…I won’t ever forgive myself. I love your daddy. With my whole soul. There is only room for the two of you in my heart and that won’t ever change. I will miss all your moments and I won’t get them back and for that…. I won’t slip again, though, baby girl.” I promise her as I cradle her close, rocking us in the corner chair.

And I know that I mean that; I won’t ever be the same broken girl again.

Losing them is harder than anything, even giving up my daughter. Because I got to experience them. Got to laugh with them, hold them, know what it was like to be loved by them. That will change me forever. I will never regret this time with them, and I know it’s because they changed me forever.

Whatever happens, I will always love them. Will always know how lucky I was to have them and be in their world for so long. It was precious and special and healed me in ways I didn’t deserve. I won’t tarnish that by sliding back, by giving into my vices. Not ever again.

“I need to go now, Princess. I will always be your mama in my heart. I will always think of you, wonder where you are, how you’re growing, what you might be doing. I will love you to the end, Princess.” I am a mess but I fight through it.

I rock her a few more moments, until I hear the front door close. I hold her close, my arms tight, my nose smoothing over her soft hair, breathing her deep. After pressing a kiss to her face, her nose, I settle her back into her crib. I crank the mobile and Amelia giggles, reaching for the dangling owls.

Takes everything in me to turn away from that baby and walk out.

My bags are in the hall by the door, and Levi is there waiting. I don’t know what else to say, so I don’t say anything. I don’t deserve a second chance, a hail Mary, and we both know it. I can’t look at him as I hook my bag over my shoulder and start to head down the hall.

“Brynn…” I shake my head when he says my name right as I reach the door.

“I can’t take back what I did. What I didn’t do. And, I don’t want to. It got me here. It got me you and Amelia for a while. I knew it was a fairytale, knew it would not have the happily ever after I kept promising. Because, how can someone like me deserve something like that? Everything I felt was real, everything I told you, it was real. I wish I had made the right choices from the beginning, Levi.” My shoulders bounce once because I know I can’t take that back, either.

“I wish…I wish you had taken fifty-five seconds. Just like I should have last summer. It might be so different if we had.” I nod and open the door, refusing to look back.

“We were worth fifty-five seconds. I knew that then, and I know that now. I am so sorry, Levi. Goodbye.” I close the door with a soft click and race down the stairs.

A cab is waiting at the curb and that guts me. There was no chance this was ending any other way. I knew that. I knew that last night as I told him the truth. Knew that this morning when I woke up on the floor alone. When I realized he couldn’t even be in the same room as me, in the same house even, as I said goodbyes.

Seeing that cab waiting makes it real. This is over.