Chapter Thirty-nine
“I’m sorry, Grandma. Really sorry.” Kat wiped away a tear that she couldn’t help shedding. As much as she was determined to stay positive, it was impossible to tell the woman who had raised her that she was about to die without tearing up.
“And you’re sure you can’t come back to Earth and see me?” Her grandmother asked in a quavering voice. She was crying too but also oddly calm.
She’s still in shock, Kat thought. She can’t really believe it. Well that makes two of us.
“I’m sorry Mrs. O’Connor, I know you want to see Kat but she needs to stay here on the Mother ship,” Liv answered for her. “She needs to have access to the special drugs that will help when she…when the poison…drugs that help,” she ended lamely.
Grandma nodded her silver-haired head. “I understand. And if you truly have such a short time, I won’t keep you. But I will say this—I love you, Kat. More than I can say.”
“I love you too, Grandma. Thanks for always being there for me after Mom and Dad split up.”
“They love you too, you know—your parents,” Grandma said. “They just never knew how to show it.”
That’s because they were too busy hating each other to show that they loved me. But Kat didn’t say it aloud—there was no point in bringing up bad memories at this point. “You tell them what’s happening and that I love them, okay?” she said.
Her grandmother nodded. “I don’t know how but…yes, I’ll try.”
“Thanks, Grandma.” Kat felt like she was about to burst into tears and she was afraid if she really started bawling, she wouldn’t be able to stop. She didn’t want to spend her last two days having a pity party. “I, uh, think our time is up,” she lied gently. “There are other people waiting to use the viewing room.”
“Of course.” Her Grandmother blew her a kiss. “Remember, Kat, I’ll always love you, no matter what.”
“Thanks Grandma. Goodbye.” Kat watched as her grandmother’s image faded to a single bright dot in the middle of the viewscreen and then went completely black. Olivia, sitting on her right hand looked grim and Sophie, on her left, was openly sobbing. “Okay, guys, come on,” she said with an effort. “Let’s get going. We can’t paint the town red of we’re crying our eyes out.”
“I’m sorry,” Sophie whispered brokenly, trying to control her tears. “I just…don’t want to lose you, Kat.”
“I don’t want to lose me either,” Kat said grimly. “But I’m not lost yet so if you don’t mind—”
Suddenly the viewscreen popped back to life. “Forgive me for interrupting your privacy,” said the Blood Kindred warrior, whose face had appeared on the screen. “But there is an incoming call for Miss Waterhouse from a woman who says she is your aunt. Do you care to accept it?”
“Oh my God! Aunt Abby! That detective must have told her what we said about Lauren.” Sophie turned to Liv. “Should we take it?”
Liv frowned. “It’s likely to take a little while and we might not have much time to, er, have fun. Maybe we should ask her to call back later.”
“No.” Kat swiped at her eyes and shook her head. “Take the call. I want to talk to her.”
“All right, if you’re sure…” Liv looked up at the Blood Kindred communications officer. “Fine, we’ll take it.”
“As you wish.” His image disappeared to be immediately replaced by the distraught face of Liv and Sophie’s Aunt Abby.
“Detective Rast told me that Lauren’s been taken by the Scourge,” she said without preamble. “He said you knew all along. How could you lie to me, Olivia, Sophia? How could you?”
“We didn’t want to,” Sophie said at once. “But we thought it might be easier for you to just think she was missing rather than to know…to know…”
“That the Scourge had her,” Liv finished for her. “Aunt Abby, we’re sorry, really we are. We thought not knowing would be better than, well, knowing.”
“And you’re sure they have her?” Aunt Abby looked almost wild. “Truly certain?”
“Beyond the shadow of a doubt,” Liv said quietly. “I’m sorry.”
“They don’t have her any more.” Kat spoke for the first time, stepping forward. “At least, the AllFather doesn’t.”
“What do you mean? What do you know?” Liv and Sophie’s aunt demanded wildly.
“I don’t know exactly where she is right now but I saw Lauren just a few hours ago and she was fine,” Kat assured her. “She hadn’t been molested or abused in any way—just held prisoner.”
“But where? Where are they holding her?”
“She was on the Scourge home world when I saw her.” Kat shifted uncomfortably. “But I think she escaped.” She wished again that they could have made a more thorough search for Lauren before leaving the deserted planet.
“You think? So then she’ll be coming home soon?” The hope in Aunt Abby’s eyes—the same clear amber as Lauren’s—nearly broke Kat’s heart.
“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I do know she had a protector—one of the Scourge was taking care of her, making sure she was safe and no one hurt her. We…had to leave the planet in a hurry but we saw another ship take off right before we went. I think he and Lauren must have been aboard.”
“But will he bring her home? Will I see her again?” Aunt Abby demanded.
Kat bit her lip. “I wish I could answer your questions but I really can’t. All I know is that Lauren seemed safe and well when I saw her and she did say that Xairn—the Scourge who was keeping her safe—had promised to take her home.”
Aunt Abby took a deep breath and nodded. “All right, thank you…”
“Kat,” Kat supplied.
“Thank you, Kat. At least I know she was well and healthy a few hours ago. If only I knew where she was and if she was heading home…” She blotted her eyes and looked at Sophie and Liv. “If you find out anything else will you please, please let me know, girls? Lauren is my daughter, I’d like to be kept in the loop.”
“Of course, Aunt Abby.” Olivia looked chagrinned. “And we’re really sorry for not telling you in the first place. “We just thought…well, obviously we thought wrong.”
“Obviously,” Aunt Abby agreed. “Oh, and you can expect a visit from Detective Rast. He’s going to be coming up soon to see what other information he can get.”
“Of course, he’s welcome to come.” Sophie nodded eagerly.
“I’ll talk to you later. If you get any more information about Lauren or her whereabouts, I’m always available.” Aunt Abby nodded once more and was gone.
“Whew.” Sophie put a hand to her head. “That wasn’t so good. I guess we should have told her in the first place.”
Liv frowned. “We agreed not to for her own good. Though I guess I can understand how you’d want to know any information you could about your child.” She cupped her still-flat belly protectively.
The maternal gesture caught Kat unawares and she nearly started crying again. I’ll never get to meet Liv’s little boy, she realized suddenly. Never get to hear him call me ‘Aunt Kat’ or have any babies of my own. Oh God…
A knock on the viewing room door interrupted her morbid thoughts. She looked up to see Deep standing there, his broad shoulders slumped wearily.
“Yes, what is it?” Olivia asked him at the same time Sophie chirped,
“Did you find it? Did you find the cure?”
“Forgive me,” he said heavily. “But could I please speak to Kat alone?”
Liv and Sophie exchanged glances that held a world of silent communication. They nodded at the same time. “Of course,” Liv said quietly. “We’ll be outside in the hallway if you need us.” They stepped out together, the door whooshing shut behind them.
“Did you find anything? What did Mother L’rin say?” Kat tried not to sound too eager but she couldn’t help herself. Surely the wise little healer would be able to help her. Surely…but Deep was shaking his head.
“I’m sorry, Kat but she says there’s nothing she can do.”
“Nothing? Nothing at all?” Kat could scarcely believe it. “No magic plants or herbs. No spells? Just…nothing?”
“Forgive me.” Deep bowed his head. “I have failed you in the worst possible way.”
“No.” Kat shook her head, trying to keep back the wave of despair that was threatening to drown her. “No, it’s not your fault.”
“It is my fault,” he said forcefully, looking up. “I was the one who insisted we cut the bond between us. I was the one who pretended I didn’t…didn’t love you so that you would agree to our separation.”
Kat’s breath caught in her chest. “What are you saying?”
“That I do love you. Oh, Kat…I’ve been such a fool. Such a Goddess damned fool when it comes to you.” His voice was hoarse with emotion.
“Deep—”
“I’ve always loved you,” he went on, taking her hand. “From the moment Lock and I first laid eyes on you. He was male enough to admit how he felt but I…I was afraid. So afraid that what had happened once before might happen again.”
“I know about that,” Kat said quietly. “About Miranda. I saw it when I was dream sharing with you. I know how deeply it affected you.”
“You didn’t seem to want us at first,” Deep said, examining her small hand in his big one. “I hardened my heart against you then. I told myself I wasn’t surprised that such a gorgeous elite female wasn’t interested in joining with Lock and me. After all, we’d already had our chance once and failed miserably. Or I should say, I failed miserably.”
“It wasn’t your fault Miranda killed herself,” Kat protested.
“Yes it was. Just as it’s my fault you’re going to…to…” Deep shook his head, apparently unable to go on.
“You don’t have to say it.” Kat squeezed his fingers. “And it’s not all your fault. I was against being with you and Lock to start with. It was scary—the idea of being with two guys at once—really big guys too. And having your emotions in my head all the time, at first it was awful. Now…now I kind of miss it. Miss feeling you, Deep.”
He raised his head. “When did you change? I thought you seemed different while we were on Twin Moons but I didn’t let myself believe. I was too afraid. And then you collapsed after we made love and I told myself it was for the best if you didn’t want us. I was so afraid, you looked so much like her at that moment.”
“I understand,” Kat said quietly. “I thought it might be something like that. But as for when I changed my mind about you and Lock, It was so gradual it’s hard to say. I think it was on Twin Moons, before we were captured by the natives, when I first realized how nice it could be feeling you and Lock inside me.” She blushed. “Uh, you know what I mean.”
Deep smiled sadly. “Yes. Don’t worry, I won’t mock you.”
“That’s a change.” She gave him a tiny smile back. “Anyway, I noticed that when both of you were in harmony, when you were loving each other and…and caring for me, it was wonderful feeling your emotions. Like being filled with sunshine. I think that’s when I began to feel less opposed to the idea of being bonded to both of you permanently, even if it was an unconscious rather than a conscious decision.”
Deep sighed. “Lock and I haven’t had many of those brotherly moments lately. I’ve made him hate me—just as I tried my damndest to make you hate me, Kat.”
“Well, you never really succeeded.” She squeezed his hand. “Although I certainly thought you were an asshole.”
“I was,” he said seriously. “And a bastard and any other Earth vernacular names you can think of to call me. But worst of all, I was a fool. Lock and I could have had you in our lives forever if I hadn’t been so arrogant and cowardly. Now…there’s nothing I can do except admit my faults to you and say goodbye.”
“Deep—” she started to protest but he shook his head.
“I do not ask for your forgiveness. I know full well I am beyond redemption.” He sighed and looked into her eyes. “But please let me say it once more—I love you, Katrina O’Connor of Earth. I love you with everything that is in me. I will never forgive myself for the way my foolish actions have harmed you. And for this…” he brushed her wounded cheek with his fingertips. Kat felt the tingle and knew the curling green lines must have progressed. But she didn’t pull away from his touch.
Deep studied her eyes for a long moment. Searching for something, Kat thought. But what? If he was searching for hatred or recrimination he didn’t find it. Even though she was going to die, Kat couldn’t bring herself to hate him. He had acted horribly but in the end, it was her best interest he’d had in mind. He was trying to save me…save me from himself. And now it’s too late.
“Kat…” Deep’s voice was filled with need. He pulled her close and Kat didn’t fight him. She expected a desperate, burning kiss filled with passion and Deep didn’t disappoint her. But then, suddenly, the kiss turned gentle and his touch was soothing rather than demanding. This is how he could be all the time, if only he let himself, she thought as he deepened the kiss, sucking her lower lip tenderly before exploring her mouth. If he could let go of his past, his bitterness, his fear. If he could have let himself admit he loved me before it was too late…
She clung desperately to him, her heart drumming in her ears, feeling like she was going to die if he let her go. But you’re going to die anyway, no matter what, a little voice in her head reminded her. Kat pushed it away. She didn’t want to think of that right now. She just wanted to let herself melt against Deep and know, finally truly know that he loved her.
Even if it was too late.
At last he pulled back and studied her face. “Thank you.” His voice was hoarse and there was a bright sheen of tears in his bottomless black eyes. “Thank you for not hating me.”
“Deep, I could never—”
“Forgive me, but we need to use the viewing room.” Two Beast Kindred officers came in with Olivia and Sophie trailing behind them.
“Sorry,” Liv said. “We tried to stop them.”
“That’s all right.” Deep straightened and nodded at them. “I think we’re finished here. Aren’t we, little Kat?”
“I…I guess so.” She wasn’t sure why but she had the feeling that she needed to say or do something else. But what? What else could she do but let Deep go as he seemed intent on doing. There is one thing I can do, though, she thought. “Deep,” she called as he turned for the door.
“Yes?” He turned back for a moment.
“Please, if you meant what you said, tell Lock everything you just told me,” she said quietly. “He needs to hear it as much as I did. Maybe even more.”
A grim look crossed his face. “Don’t worry, little Kat. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.” Then he turned again and was gone, through the doorway as silent as a ghost.
Kat watched him go, strangely troubled. But then Sophie and Liv were taking her by the hand and leading her out of the viewing room. I’ll see him again, she promised herself. Before it’s too late, I’ll see him one last time.
* * * * *
Lock packed slowly, putting his clothing into the compressor and watching as the machine minimized each item and spit it neatly into the waiting box. Using the handy little contraption, an entire household full of items could be packed in one or two small crates, making moving out much easier. Physically, anyway. Emotionally, he was torn.
He had taken a long shower, washing the AllFather’s muck from his body and it was there, with the hot water pounding on his head, that the idea of leaving had presented itself. Lock wasn’t sure where he was going, only that he needed to get away.
Living with his brother had always been the most natural thing in the world. But now that the connection they had shared since birth was cut, it didn’t feel right any more. Even if he and Deep had still been getting along, it wouldn’t have worked. And since they’d declared open warfare on each other, the idea of continuing to live in the same suite and share the same bed as they had since they were babies was completely unthinkable.
I’m an island now. A single that used to be a double. It was something he had secretly wished for sometimes as a child. Deep had always been abrasive and argumentative, making it hard to make and keep friends. Sometimes Lock had wished he was a different kind of male, a Blood or Beast Kindred instead of a Twin. Someone who could live life on his own instead of always being tied to another.
But now that he had his wish he just felt…empty. I don’t even hate him anymore, he realized tiredly as he packed. Because he’s not my brother now that the tie between us has been cut. He’s just a stranger. And I’m alone…all alone for the first time in my life.
He would be even more alone once Kat died but he didn’t want to think about that. He wanted desperately to go see her, to tell her how he felt one last time before it was too late. But something kept holding him back—maybe it was the fear that once he said goodbye the whole situation would finally be real. Lock knew it wasn’t logical to delay for such a reason but he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t want to admit the woman he loved—the only woman he had ever loved—was going to die.
Oh my lady…Oh Kat…
“I’m back, Brother.”
The sound of Deep’s voice behind him startled Lock and he turned to face his twin.
“What did Mother L’rin say?” he demanded. “Did she give you any hope?”
“None. I’m sorry.” Deep’s shoulders slumped. “She did say there might have been hope—if we were both bonded to her. We could have diluted the poison—shared it between us until it was no longer deadly. We could have saved Kat’s life.”
A swell of fury and despair threatened to overwhelm Lock but he stood his ground, his hands clenched into fists. “But we can’t now, is that it? Now that you’re no longer bonded to either one of us?”
“We can’t,” Deep acknowledged heavily. “Because of me. Because of my foolish pride, my fear, my arrogance. I’m sorry, Brother. This is all my fault.”
Despite the emotions tearing him apart inside, Lock couldn’t help looking at his twin in surprise. “What a shock—the infallible Deep finally admitting he has some faults. But saying you were wrong now won’t help anything. It won’t save Kat’s life…or keep me from leaving.”
“I noticed you were packing.” Deep nodded at the compressor and the half full box. “Where will you go?”
“I don’t know,” Lock said tiredly. “I’ll stay here until Kat is…until she’s gone. But after that…” He shrugged his shoulders. “Who knows?”
“Anywhere away from me, I guess,” Deep said in a low voice. “I can’t say that I blame you, Brother.”
“Don’t call me that,” Lock said, but without heat. “As you pointed out, it no longer applies.”
“Lock…” Deep came forward and put a hand on his shoulder. Lock wanted to shrug it off but he was too tired. He looked into his twin’s eyes instead…the eyes of a stranger.
“What?”
“I know I’ve made a mess of everything. I’ve ruined all three of our lives and cost Kat hers. But I need a favor.”
“A favor?” Lock raised an eyebrow at him. “After all you’ve put us through, you have the nerve to ask me for something?”
“It’s easy. And small. It will only take you half a second—less. I swear.” Deep looked at him earnestly. “Please, Brother, if you ever loved me, grant me this one thing.”
Lock sighed. “All right, I should say no but…what is it?”
“First swear you’ll do it.” Deep’s grip on his shoulder tightened. “Swear on our fathers’ graves.”
“Our fathers were buried at sea,” Lock reminded him. “But I know what you mean. Yes, I swear it.”
“Thank you.” Deep breathed a sigh of relief and took a step back.
“Well?” Lock frowned at him. “What is it? And when do you need me to do it?”
“The sooner the better.” Deep drew his blazer and pressed it into Lock’s palm. “Here.”
Lock looked down at the deadly weapon, uncomprehending. “Why are you giving me this? What do you expect me to do?”
“I expect you to honor your promise, Brother,” Deep said calmly. “And kill me.”