Truly

I knew the second the baby in Pax’s arms opened her strangely familiar baby blue eyes and focused on me a that she had to be my dead husband’s offspring.  The pain of seeing his child, alive and well, nearly crippled me as I unconsciously pressed a hand to my own empty womb.

“H-how? How the hell is this possible” I questioned, internally wincing as I realized that I’d just cursed in front of an innocent kid.  Sure, it wasn’t my kid, but it was… good God, this baby was Yancy’s!  Fruit of his loins.  A product of his seed.  His sole freaking baby!  How fucking surreal was that, I thought to myself, my gaze unmoving as I watched the beautiful babe greedily suckle at her bottle.  Shaking my head, I closed my eyes and tried to block out the pain Pax’s confirmation caused me.  It wasn’t fair.  None of this was remotely fair!  “Never mind.  Don’t bother answering that.  It was a stupid question.  I know good and well how this happened!  Yancy never could keep his pecker in his pants,” I stated, my voice soft, but bitter.  “I guess I mean how did you end up caring for my dead husband’s baby?  I know where her father’s currently located, but where’s her momma?” 

Pax opened his mouth to respond, but I sliced a hand through the air and laughed hollowly.  “No, wait.  Let me take a wild guess,” I demanded snottily.  “She dumped the kid on you and took off.  Am I right?” I questioned tightly, the burning pain in my chest only intensifying as I realized Pax was holding what I’d spent years dreaming of having right there in his arms.  I’d wanted to be the woman to give Yancy a child.  I was his wife.  It was my right, wasn’t it? At one point, I’d even believed a new baby would save our marriage.  I could recognize how misguided that thought process was, but it still hurt like hell to be faced with the one thing I’d never been able to give my husband.  His very own child.

Licking his lips, Pax shifted on the loveseat as he eyed me closely, his handsome face giving away nothing.  “Not exactly,” he finally returned softly as my fingers balled into fists and my nails bit into the flesh of my palms.  Watching him, his big body looked huge sitting against my striped sofa cushions, and yet, he managed to look oddly right, holding that infant as if he’d been born to do it. 

“Then paint me a picture,” I directed him, my tone more than a little acidic as my temper simmered just below the boiling point, but damn it, I couldn’t help how I sounded.  I was mad – pissed off in a way I couldn’t ever remember being before.  It sucked to be faced with the one thing I’d begged God for on my knees while knowing she belonged to my husband, but not to me.  Agonizing didn’t begin to describe the pain that flooded my soul.

“Her mother is dead, Bambi,” Pax informed me bluntly.  “Stage four ovarian cancer that was discovered while she was pregnant,” he continued to confide quietly, his deep voice even as he looked down at the child he held with soft eyes.  Lifting his head to look at me, he stared at me with zero judgment.  “Listen, Tru, I know this is hard for you to wrap your mind around, but the first thing you gotta get is none of what’s happened is this little angel’s fault,” he declared calmly, nodding down at the baby for emphasis.  “No matter her parents’ sins, she’s innocent.  Whatever happened between Yancy and her mother isn’t on her tiny shoulders.”

My eyes filled with tears as my jaw dropped.  Her mother was dead?  Had I even heard that right?  Guilt flooded me as I stared at the child in Pax’s strong arms.  Okay, I wasn’t thrilled that Yancy had cheated on me.  I was even less stoked that he’d gotten another woman pregnant.  But I’d never have wished the mother dead. But I’d heard the unspoken warning in his words, and I felt obliged to defend myself.  “I don’t blame her!  I want to kick a dead man’s ass, Paxton!” I hissed at him, trying to remain calm as a plethora of emotions descended on me.  Anger. Pain.  Rage.  Confusion. They were all there. “Oh, my God,” I whispered shakily, desperately trying to blink back emotional tears as I shoved my hands into my hair, clenching my fingers in the tangled strands.  “I can’t believe this is happening.”

I nearly cried as Pax offered me a compassionate look of understanding.  “It took me a hot minute to get my head right with this, too, but it’s gonna be okay, Bambi,” I heard his deep, comforting voice reassure me.  “We’ve got this.”

“Right,” I replied with a shuddery laugh.  “It’s all gonna be just peachy.  And what do you mean we’ve got this?” I asked suspiciously.  “I mean, I’m sorry that this baby’s mother has passed away.  Really,  I am.  But, I don’t understand….”

“There’s a letter from the attorney and one from Melissa,” Pax interrupted, moving the baby to his right arm so he could reach into her diaper bag with his left.  “It explains…things.”

“What things?” I asked, taking a step back as I stared at the pale pink legal-sized envelope he held out to me and slowly took it in my hand with about as much excitement as if I’d been accepting a ticking time bomb.  “And what kind of self-respecting attorney uses pink stationary.”

“I actually think that was probably Melissa.  Liberty’s biological mom.”

I swallowed hard at that.  “Her name’s Liberty?” I asked weakly, eyeing the infant as she continued nursing from the bottle.  “That’s pretty.  And kinda appropriate considering Yancy’s job.”

Pax smiled as proudly as if he fathered the child himself.  “Yeah.  Liberty Belle Evans.  Someday, if it’s okay with you, I’d like to formally adopt her and add the name Graham to the end of her name, but that’s a discussion for another time.”

I blinked stupidly at him.  “Huh?” I grunted dumbly, finally collapsing into the worn, but exceedingly comfortable recliner I’d claimed as mine the day Yancy and I had moved into our home. 

Pax offered one of his shy half-smiles that normally would have had my lady bits dancing, but today was no normal day and all that grin managed to do was agitate me more.  “Pax, you aren’t making any sense.”

“I know,” he acknowledged softly, popping the empty bottle from Liberty’s mouth as he threw a burp rag over his shoulder and lifted the infant against his chest.  “Trust me when I say that it’s gonna make more sense after you read Melissa’s letter to you,” he explained as he tried to coax a burp from the baby.

“Why don’t you give me the abbreviated version?   Start with how you ended up with Yancy’s kid,” I ordered, determined to get to the truth sooner rather than later.

Pax frowned, but his attention was soon diverted by Liberty’s loud belch.  “Good girl,” he praised, turning his head until his lips brushed the side of the baby’s soft head.  “That was a big one,” he murmured, adjusting the infant in his arms again.  Looking up at me, he licked his full lips before he spoke.  “Listen, Truly, I get you want some answers, but I’ve been taking care of this little princess for a couple of days now, and I can tell you if she doesn’t get her diaper changed and then get put down for some shut-eye after she eats, then she becomes a very cranky little terror.  Is there a safe place I could put her?”

My mind immediately went to the Moses basket in the downstairs spare bedroom that I’d purchased for my own baby, and another piece of my heart broke when I remembered that my own child would never get to use it.  I hadn’t had the heart to get rid of it, though.  I’d just placed it out of sight to avoid the painful memories it stirred.  “I…I think I have something in the guest room.  There’s a Moses basket on the floor in the closet,” I admitted thickly, looking at the tiny babe again.  God, she was Yancy’s image.  From those blue eyes to that red peach fuzz topping her head.  I couldn’t help wondering if my own daughter would have looked much the same as this little one did.

“I’ll get it,” Pax offered quickly.  “That way I can lay her down to change her diaper on the guest bed rather than risk your loveseat’s upholstery.  I’ve gotten pretty good at changing diapers, but I really don’t wanna risk somebody else’s furniture yet.”

The living room furniture was old and there wasn’t a lot more damage that could be done to it, but I nodded anyway.  I needed a few moments of privacy and a diaper change was as good an excuse as any. I gestured toward the hallway that led to the downstairs bedroom.  “You know the way, right?” I asked huskily as he stood, his shadow falling over me like a warm blanket that I wanted to curl into and hide.

“Yeah.  I got it,” he replied with a slight nod.  Pausing in the doorway, he looked at me over his shoulder.  “Read the letter she wrote you, Bambi.  I think you’ll find it answers some of those questions I see swirling in those pretty chocolate eyes of yours.”

God, I hated how his royal blue eyes seemed to glow with compassion as he spoke to me.  When a girl imagined Pax pinning her in place with that kind of intense gaze, she wanted the source of that look to be his feelings for her, not his concern that she was about to go batshit crazy because of her late husband’s infidelities and secret love child.  Waiting until I heard his footsteps fade down the hallway, I picked at the seal on the pink envelope I still held.  Maybe this letter did contain some answers, but I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to know about the baby or her mother.  They weren’t my problem, were they?  It wasn’t my duty to look after Yancy’s illegitimate offspring, was it?  Of course not.  I did my duty when I buried the cheating bastard in a respectable coffin rather than having his worthless carcass thrown in a ditch somewhere for the buzzards to feast on.

I should just throw the damn letter away.  Or I could burn it, I thought as I eyed the cold, empty fireplace across the room.  Unfortunately for me, it was late August and the temps outside were hovering at over a hundred degrees, so setting a fire inside my house probably wasn’t one of my brighter ideas.

“Shit,” I cursed under my breath as I slid my finger underneath the seal and slit open the envelope, quickly pulling out the handwritten papers.  Taking a deep breath, I unfolded the pages with shaking hands.  This was it.  Once I read this note, I couldn’t un-read it.  At the moment, though, my curiosity over the origins of the innocent infant I could hear cooing from down the hall in my guest bedroom, was greater than my residual anger at Yancy.  My late husband was an asshole; there was no changing that.  But the baby… the baby deserved for me to make an informed decision about her.  Forcing my eyes to lower and focus on the pretty cursive writing, I began to read.

My dearest Truly –

You don’t know me, but my name is – or rather – it was Melissa Keats, and if you’re reading this letter, you should know that I’m gone.  Well, not just gone.  To say I’m gone implies that I might come back. But, I won’t.  Be coming back, that is.  You see, I’m dead.  The final GONE.  Which, I imagine, is information you might be pretty happy about, considering the fact that you’ve probably learned by now that I slept with your husband while he was still married to you. 

I can’t blame you if you hate me.  I hate me for being stupid enough to fall into bed with a man who was already taken.  In your shoes, I would have despised me, too.  All I can say is that I didn’t know all the facts about your husband, Yancy.  I thought he was available.  He TOLD me he was available and I foolishly believed him.  But, I’ve since learned that he was very much married when we had our one and only night together.  For that, Truly, I am beyond sorry.  There aren’t enough words in the English language to express how deeply ashamed I am of my actions.  Unwittingly or not, I slept with a married man, and I cannot apologize to you enough for that.  You’ve no reason to believe me, but I’m not a cheater.  Or at least, I’ve never cheated before this. Please, believe me, I would never have slept with Yancy if I’d been aware that he had a wife – especially one as kind and sweet as I’ve since learned you are.  Hell, to be honest, I wouldn’t have slept with Yancy at ALL if I’d been sober and thinking clearly (A bad breakup with a boyfriend and being passed over for a promotion at work had taken a toll on my self-esteem – not that it’s any excuse for my actions, but I thought I’d give you some context.).  You probably won’t believe this, but sleeping with ANY man outside of a committed relationship was completely out of character for me, but the stars aligned in such a way that I was sad, lonely, and halfway drunk when I met your husband.  He wasn’t wearing a ring and claimed….well, it doesn’t matter what he claimed…I THOUGHT he was single.  So, I did something I’d never done before and had a one night stand with him.  Neither of us was interested in anything more, and if there hadn’t been a consequence to our night together, he (and by default, YOU) would have never heard from me again.

As by now you know, however, there WAS a consequence to our night together.  I don’t know how it happened, Truly.  I really don’t.  I was on birth control that I religiously took each morning, AND we used a condom that night. When I realized I was pregnant several weeks later, I felt sure there was some mistake.  Twenty-four EPT sticks and two blood tests later, I could no longer live in denial, though.  I accepted that I was, in fact, pregnant.  And since I hadn’t had sex since that night with Yancy, I knew that the baby had to be his.

Initially, it was my intention to have and raise my baby alone.  I never intended to contact Yancy.  We had both been clear from the outset on what our night together was.  We had just been two single (or so I thought) people scratching a mutual itch.  I had no desire to upend his life and no intention of entering into a relationship with him… even one where we simply co-parented a child.  No, I decided to have and raise my baby alone.  I am (or was) a successful accountant with a healthy bank account and I was more than able to support a child.  There was no reason at all that I couldn’t take care of my child alone.

Or so I thought.

You see, during my twenty week visit, my obstetrician ran some routine tests that came back with abnormal results.  One terrifying week and several scary tests later, my doctor had reached a diagnosis.  I had stage four ovarian cancer - and it had already begun to spread.  Treatment while pregnant was impossible, and an abortion was out of the question for me.  I already loved my little girl.  My little Liberty Belle.  There was zero chance that I was going to eliminate the pregnancy.

The doctor was very clear with me.  Without immediate treatment, my cancer would be fatal, and even if I’d opted for medical intervention, my chances were negligible.  The fetus I carried, however, was healthy, and according to my OB-GYN, my darling child’s development was progressing with textbook accuracy.  Therefore, I had a choice to make.  I could choose a life for my daughter or a small chance at survival for myself, but not both.

There was nothing difficult about my choice at all.  My baby girl was everything to me, Truly.  EVERYTHING.

But while I’d essentially been served a death sentence, I wasn’t gone yet.  I still had one very important mission to complete, and that was to arrange the best life I possibly could for my daughter.

I began reaching out to Yancy the afternoon I received my diagnosis.  Several voice mails later, I realized he must have blocked my number.  I was in the process of trying to contact him through the military when I saw his death notice in the paper.  News of his death and subsequently learning through his obituary that he had a wife sent me into a tailspin so I can’t imagine what his passing must have done to you.  That’s why I didn’t reach out to you immediately.  I knew you needed time to grieve.  And I needed time to find out all I could about you and the rest of the people in Yancy’s life.

See, Truly, I grew up in the foster care system in the Dallas/ Ft. Worth area. My biological familial ties are non-existent.  No mother.  No father.  No siblings.  Not even a stray cousin in Outer Mongolia.  I’m alone, or I was alone until my baby – a baby that won’t even be able to remember me when I’m gone.  None of that, however, makes me any less her mother.  It only means I have no family with which to leave her.  And as her mother, I’ve only grown more determined to find the right people to raise her after I’m gone.  You could even say I’m desperate.  Because the very last thing I ever want for my daughter is the life I had as a child. 

Growing up in a series of foster homes and orphanages was hard, and often times, dangerous.  Never knowing exactly where I’d put my head to pillow as I grew up left me more than a little emotionally scarred.  And don’t even get me started on the abuses I faced when placed with families that took in kids for less than noble reasons.   If I was lucky, those families just saw me as another check from the government and treated me accordingly.  When I wasn’t so lucky, I’d be forced to endure a varied array of abuses – some of which would turn your stomach.  I’ve seen and felt it all. Verbal. Physical.  And in one awful home, sexual.  Those terrible foster families are out there, Truly, and the kids don’t get any say in where they’re placed.  All a child can do is pray that they win the lottery and nab one of the decent homes out there.  I know.  I suffered through the process again and again.  I’m not asking for your pity.  I just need you to understand my motivation in finding my little girl a happy safe environment to grow up.  I want my Liberty to have a home filled with happiness, stability and love.    I want her to have everything that I didn’t. 

It’s why I went to the extreme measure of hiring a detective agency and having you investigated after I learned of your existence in Yancy’s obituary.  Same story with Yancy’s friend, Paxton Graham.  I wish I had the time to be sorry for invading your privacy.  I DO know I should feel apologetic for my methods, but the truth is that time is a very precious commodity for me.  I don’t have any to waste on things that I can’t and wouldn’t change.  Before I turned over custody of my child to anyone, I wanted to be sure that they were a good person – a person that would never take out their anger on an innocent kid.  And there’s no doubt in my mind at all that you and Paxton are excellent people, Truly.  The very best.  And it would be an honor to have you both raise my child.

I know this all must seem very cruel and unfair to you.  Because it IS.

Especially since I know you’ve suffered more than one miscarriage during the time you were married to Yancy.  I also know that you are aware that this wasn’t the first time your husband was unfaithful to you.  Now, you’re being asked to raise the result of one of those infidelities?  Yeah, if I was you, I’d want to knock my teeth down my throat, too.  If it helps, the cancer leaves me in a great deal of pain – especially since I can’t take the good drugs thanks to my occupied womb.  So, while you may never have gotten the satisfaction of slapping my face, please know that God has dropkicked me in the gut for you.

At any rate, as I write this letter to you, I know my time is slipping away.  Day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment, the clock is running out on me.  I know naming you as my kid’s guardian is the height of presumptuous, but I don’t have time to worry about the way things look.  I need you, Truly.  You might not have a living child, but you ARE a mother and I know that on some level you understand my desperation. While Liberty Belle might be the product of my extremely brief affair with your husband, we both know she’s so much more.  First and foremost, she’s an innocent, blameless for anything her father or mother has done.  Perhaps, too, you could see Liberty as another chance to get things right.  Maybe you could pour all the love you never had a chance to give your own children into her?  I know it must sound greedy to ask that, but my daughter has NO ONE.  Truthfully, I’d make a deal with the devil himself if it meant she could have a life filled with joy and laughter.  Based on the research I had done on you, I know that you didn’t have a real happy childhood either so I’m betting you understand how important this wish is to me.

I’m not stupid, Truly.  I’m almost positive right that right now you’re trying to figure out where the hell I got the nerve to put you in this position.  And here’s the answer -- I have nothing to lose.  I’m dying.  Hell, I’ll be dead by the time you read this.  Finding a replacement mom and dad is the last thing I will ever do for my child.

And it KILLS me to do this.  Absolutely slays me.

But it doesn’t matter.  I don’t matter.  Not any longer.

Liberty does.

So I will beg and plead.  I will humble myself and throw myself on whatever sword you want to point at me if it means you’ll do what I can’t… be there to love and protect my baby.

If you wanted me to be punished for my sins, the ultimate price has been paid.  I’m dead; celestial retribution for my crimes has been delivered.  Please don’t let my punishment extend to my child.

Take her, Truly.  Offer her all that love I know you have in your heart.  Give her the childhood that neither of us had.  I know she’s the image of Yancy so when you look at her, remember those good times you shared with your husband.  When you hold Liberty close to your heart, know that while you might not have nurtured her in your womb, it will be your hands and heart that helps mold her into the person she becomes.  Cherish the moments, both big and small, that you spend together and know that you will have my eternal gratitude for doing the job I couldn’t.

To make things easier, I have set up a trust fund for Liberty that you and Paxton can draw on as you need it.  It has the proceeds from my estate and the payout from my life insurance policy in it.   It’s my fervent hope that you and Pax will choose to raise Liberty together, but if one of you opts to remove yourself as a guardian, I understand.  The decision to take joint custody of Liberty is a huge commitment.  My prayers are that since you and Pax already know each other, the transition will be easier.  Hopefully, the money will help ease any financial burdens taking in Liberty creates.  If you have any questions about my estate or Liberty’s trust fund, my attorney’s name is Edward Kemp, and he can be reached at (254)-555-4321

I’m sorry for the pain of your past (especially the agony I contributed to).  And while the present may be filled with turbulence and confusion, Truly, I KNOW your future will be filled with happiness and wonder as you and Pax delight in the joys of parenthood.     

Wishing you a lifetime of happy memories,

Melissa Keats

 

By the time I finished, my eyes had rained teardrops all over Melissa’s letter, leaving several damp splotches all over the pages, smearing the blue ink in several places and making the words almost illegible. “J-jesus,” I whispered, lowering the sheets to my lap with trembling hands as my breath faltered in my chest as I fought a sob that seemed to have permanently lodged itself in my throat.  Why couldn’t anything just be clear cut anymore?  This woman had an affair with my husband and had gotten pregnant in the process.  I should have been able to hate her, right?  This should be a clearly marked case of black and white with clean, sharp lines delineating it.  There shouldn’t be an iota of gray area to this! 

Except, there was. 

Because there was a big, heaping helping of gray area here, and it had been poured all over my head!  I was fucking drowning in the gray area!  I was suffocating in it.

Because Melissa Keats wasn’t a bad woman.   She sounded like she was a smart chick who’d made a stupid decision she’d been forced to pay for with her life.  In an alternate universe, she and Melissa probably could have been good friends.  In this one, however, Melissa was dead and her surviving daughter needed a new mom and dad.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” I muttered under my breath.  God, I didn’t want this.  Well, I kinda did (I mean, I’d always wanted to have kids), but not this way.  This was some shit you’d watch play out on a soap opera!  Hell, I’d be glued to my television with a storyline this good.  Unfortunately, this wasn’t a primetime drama, though.  This was my frickin’ life!

Looking around at the packed boxes I had stacked against the wall, I shook my head.  Shortly, I wouldn’t even have a home to call my own.  How could I even contemplate taking responsibility for Yancy’s daughter when my own life was such a mess?  I was about two breaths away from a full-on nervous breakdown; what business did I have even thinking about being Liberty’s mom?

Burying my wet face in my hands as my anguish crested, I couldn’t keep my broken sobs from escaping, the pain of everything finally becoming too much for me to compartmentalize.  “Why?  Why is this happening now?” I asked myself brokenly.  “Damn you, Yancy!  Damn you for doing this to me and your daughter!” I sobbed as I felt myself beginning to lose control.  “How am I supposed to do this?  Raising your daughter with another woman was never a part of any vow I took to you, you selfish bastard!  I can barely manage to get myself through the day without falling apart a half dozen times. How am I supposed to do this, too!  I can’t!”  I claimed harshly, shaking my head as a pair of strong, comforting arms suddenly surrounded me.

“Shhhh, Bambi.  It’s okay.  I got you.  Let it out, baby.  Just let it all out,” I heard Pax encourage against my ear softly, his deep voice sliding over me like warm honey. 

“Pax,” I whimpered, my voice cracking as I wrapped my arms around his neck and clung tightly.  “I feel like I’m losing it.  How could he do this to me?  How could he give another woman a baby when I…. when we…. It’s not fair?  He gave her the baby I was meant to have!” I cried into his neck. 

“I know, sweetheart,” Pax murmured, his arms tightening around my middle as I shook in his arms.

“She was supposed to be mine.  Just mine.  But she’s not.  Liberty belongs to Yancy and a woman I never even knew,” I wailed bitterly as he rocked me gently in his arms.   “And now they’re both just gone and they left us here to clean it all up!”

“I know, Tru,” Pax whispered against my temple, his lips brushing the warm skin.  “And you’re right, it isn’t fair to either of us, but there isn’t much you and I can do about that.  We’ve got to deal with what is in front of us, baby, and what we’ve got is a pretty damn special baby girl.  I can already tell that little girl is gonna make all the pain and anger we both feel right now worth it.  I don’t know how; I just feel it way down deep in my soul.”

Drawing back a few inches, I stared at this incredibly sexy man with my damp eyes.  With short dark hair and eyes the color of sapphires, Paxton had the kind of face that could make a girl’s lady bits dance the quickstep.  And his body…. Dear God, his body would make a nun rethink her commitment to the cross.  Dropping one hand to his hard chest, my fingers danced across his cut muscles as my I licked my lips.  “I don’t know if I can.  I already felt like a fool for staying with Yancy despite knowing about his wandering dick.  Seeing his baby everyday….being reminded of what an idiot I was…”

“Hey,” Pax interrupted, moving one hand to cradle my cheek.  “You weren’t the idiot in this fucked up scenario, baby.  He was.  Any man that would stray when he had a woman like you waiting for him at home is a special kind of fuckwit, Tru.  I mean it,” he declared forcefully when I began to shake my head in denial.  “I told that moron that then when he was making mistake after mistake, gambling away his future with a good woman, and I’m telling you right here and now that he didn’t deserve you.  What you gotta get here is that Yancy was the problem.  Not you.  It was never you, Truly.  You’re perfect.  Always have been,” he insisted as he leaned his forehead against mine while his fingers tightened briefly against my face while his breath mingled with mine.   “Say you get me, Bambi,” he demanded gently.  “Confirm to me that you understand what I’m telling you.”

“I can’t do that,” I whispered.  “I feel a lot of different things here, Pax.  Stupid.  Foolish.  Idiotic.  What I don’t feel is perfect,” I tried to explain sadly with a small shake of my head.  “In fact,” I continued shakily, “I was so far from perfect, it was just plain sad.  I’m damaged - defective in a way that somehow I could make a mostly decent guy like Yancy want to stray from our marriage and find that special something that connects two people with someone else  subce I obviously wasn’t able to provide it to him at home.”

“That’s bullshit,” Pax snapped harshly.

Staring at him with tearful eyes, I bit my lip.  “It’s really not,” I argued brokenly.  “It’s my life.”

Pax’s jaw flexed as he stared into my eyes.  “Fuck it,” he finally muttered as he leaned closer to me.  “I know it’s too soon for this, but I can’t find a good enough reason to tell myself no – especially now that I know that’s the kind of shit swirling in your mind.  Somebody needs to show you that there’s not a fucking thing wrong with you.  And honest to God, I don’t think I can resist those pretty pink lips of yours anymore.  I don’t even wanna try.  I’ve gotta know if they taste as sweet as they look.”

“What?” I asked faintly, unable to believe I’d just heard what I thought I’d heard.  Did this deliciously hot piece of raw masculinity just say he couldn’t resist my lips?  The same lips I’d barely bothered to keep moisturized with Chapstick?  How was that even possible?  No man had ever found anything about me irresistible.  Ever.  I hadn’t even been able to hold my husband’s attention longer than the length of a meal.  “Pax, what are you talking about?”

The side of Pax’s mouth lifted in a shy half-smile.  “I’m talking about going with my gut and showing you exactly how perfect I think you are,” he murmured before covering my lips with his.

I stopped breathing when Pax’s warm mouth settled heavily over mine, his teeth playfully nibbling my full lower lip as his hand moved up and down my spine, urging me closer to his deliciously hard chest.   Winding my arms around his neck, I couldn’t help my soft moan of pleasure when his hot tongue skated against the seam of my lips, coaxing them apart so he could slide inside and possess my mouth.  I felt an almost electric jolt of awareness slam through my senses as his mouth mated with mine, each flick of his tongue zapping my body with a strong current of primal need that seemed to flow directly to my throbbing pussy.

Quickly, what had started as a tentative, careful touch of his mouth to mine turned wet and wild as his lips became more demanding, his kiss nearly consuming me as one of his hands found the elastic band holding back my hair.  Sucking on his lower lip as he freed my ponytail from its restraint, he sifted a hand through my hair, his palm curling possessively around my scalp as he tilted my head and deepened our kiss.

Humming unhappily when he would have pulled back and broken our kiss an all too short minute later, I chased his mouth with mine, angry that he’d take away the first thing that had felt really good to me in months.  Couldn’t he see I needed this?  I needed to feel his talented mouth moving against mine.  I needed to glut myself on that entirely-too-addictive manly flavor that seemed to be infused into his kiss.  I wanted more of it.  More of everything.  Suddenly, I couldn’t get close enough.  I wanted to be closer to him – as close as I could get to him. 

Keeping our lips fused together, I shoved lightly at his chest until he went from kneeling in front of the recliner where I sat to sitting on his ass in the middle of my floor with me straddling his legs like I cowgirl bent on taking the ride of her life. 

“Truly,” he mumbled against my lips between kisses as his hands palmed the swell of my ass and squeezed gently.  “We need to slow down, baby” he urged.  

I could feel the thick bulge of his cock growing bigger behind the fly of his jeans even as he spoke.  He wanted to slow down?  Was he crazy?  Being in his arms felt incredible, and I couldn’t resist rocking myself against his hardness, rubbing my achy, swollen core against his crotch like a cat in heat.  “No,” I whined dropping my head against his neck as I arched my back and ground myself against his hardness again.  “Slow is bad.  Fast is better,” I encouraged him mindlessly as I lightly bit against the tanned flesh of his neck as I rode the hard ridge of his cock again, my nipples hardening behind the lace cups of my bra when his pelvis lifted  and the hard ridge of his arousal bumped against my core erotically.  “Besides, it doesn’t feel like your body wants to slow down anyway,” I teased softly against his ear.

Stilling my churning hips by dropping his two hands to my hips, Paxton drew back to stare in my heavy lidded eyes.  “Believe me, Bambi, the last thing I want to do is slow down.  You’re offering me heaven, and it’s killin’ me to deny myself this taste of you, but when I finally do fuck you – and I will eventually fuck you, baby, - I want you in your right mind and not just looking for a convenient outlet to ease the pain your dead husband inflicted on you with his secret lovechild.  When I sink balls deep into your heat, I wanna be the only thought occupying your mind.  I don’t just wanna be your escape; I wanna be your safe harbor.  I guess I’m selfish that way,” he admitted ruefully.

Still lost in a sensual fog, I struggled to comprehend the words coming out of Pax’s mouth as my blood suddenly froze in my veins and stark reality invaded.  Coiled around Paxton’s body like some kind of boa constrictor, my body still hummed with excitement even as the weight of my humiliation weighed me down.  Had I actually been trying to seduce the man who’d not only been Yancy’s friend, but also just delivered the news that dumbass had had a child behind my back with another woman… a now dead woman?  Christ, had I finally completely lost my mind?  Sure, Pax was the hottest of all hot, but still…not only was he so far out of my league, we didn’t even exist on the same radar but HE’D BEEN CLANCY’S FRICKIN’ FRIEND!  He’d been a friend that had KNOWN Clancy was a lying cheat, and he’d still said nothing to warn her!  And she’d been about to fuck his brains out on her living room floor while Liberty…. wait a second, where WAS Liberty?  “Oh, my gosh!  The baby!” I yelped, slapping his arm as my worried gaze collided with Pax’s.  “Where’s Liberty?”

“Sleeping in the basket in the spare bedroom,” Pax answered calmly.  “She’s fine, Tru,” he soothed me gently, the thumbs of his hands sliding beneath my shirt to rub the sensitive flesh covering my hip bones.

Relieved, I released the breath I’d been holding.    “I… you… Oh, my God, Paxton!  I’m so sorry!  I…I don’t know what to say.  I lost my head for a few minutes there and threw myself at you while you were just trying to comfort me. It’s just been so freaking long since anybody had held me that I guess I just lost my mind and decided that if a little affection was good, more must be better,” I babbled, apologizing profusely while I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed this was all just a bad dream. 

Cracking one eyelid a few seconds later, I found Pax’s hooded eyes staring back at me.  Of course, they were.  There was no way I could get lucky enough for all this to be a nightmare.  Nope, it was all very, very real.  I might as well get used to the embarrassment and shame that I felt falling over me with the force of a tsunami.  It would have brought me to my knees if I wasn’t already on them, straddled over Pax’s crotch like some kind of whore.  “Anyway, this was a mistake.  A huge, unfortunate misunderstanding that I promise will never, ever happen again, Pax,” I offered huskily as I tried to scramble off Pax’s lap with as much dignity as I could only to find myself trapped by his hands a second later.  

Pax’s lips twitched as he lifted a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear.  “Well, that’s where you’re very wrong, Bambi, because I can promise you, I’ll be taking more of those kisses we just shared.  See, that kiss we had…it was not a mistake.   Not by a long shot.   I wanted that kiss, baby.  In fact, I’ve spent many, many long, lonely nights in the last few months dreaming about how I’d take that first kiss from your sweet lips – which, by the way, taste like the cherries that used to grow on the tree behind my grandma’s house.  I loved those cherries, Truly.  Every summer, I’d wait for them to ripen on the tree so I could get a taste of their sweetness.  Knowing I can have that taste again any time I claim that gorgeous mouth?  Yeah, your mouth just went on the endangered species list,” he warned me gently as his finger tapped my kiss-swollen lower lip.

“P-Pax,” I breathed, unsure what exactly it was I saw reflected in his eyes at the moment.  Happiness?  Contentment?  Wonder? Satisfaction?   The only thing I was certain of was that he meant every word he was saying.  Because that tone he was using on me?  That was the tone of a man that knew what he wanted and wasn’t afraid to do whatever he had to do to get it.

“Don’t be scared, Truly.  I can wait as long as you need to me to wait until you’re ready to accept me and Liberty into your life.  I’m a patient guy.  Well, patient-ish.   I mean, don’t dawdle or anything, but take the time you need to get your head around this.  Just know that those minutes you spent in my arms convinced me of one very important thing.  You’re meant to be mine.  Your kisses.  Your body.  Your heart.  I want to own every bit of it.    It’s only fair that I be clear about what –and who – I want.  Especially since you got jerked around by Yancy.    So I’ll just say it straight out – I want a future with you and Liberty.  I want us to be a family.  I want to give you the kind of life and love you always dreamed of having, Bambi.  I know I’m the kind of man you need.  I’m strong.  I’m stable.  And I’m dependable.  If I give my word, I honor it.  If I make a promise, I keep it.  I’m steady and faithful.  My friends have always said I’m a throwback because I believe that when I man sees the other half of his soul, he’ll never want another.  I thought I got fucked because I saw the other half of my soul wearing another man’s ring on the day I met her.   And not just any man.  He was my friend… my brother in arms.  I lived with that knowledge every day, Tru.  And when I watched him dishonor his vow to you, it killed me.”

“W-why didn’t you ever tell me?  About Yancy’s unfaithfulness, I mean,” I asked painfully, my body stiffening as I watched Pax’s eyes flash with regret.

“I couldn’t, Tru,” Pax replied as he hung his head.

“Why not?”

“Yancy was a brother and there’s a kind of code among brothers,” he returned quietly.   “I don’t expect you to understand.  Hell, I don’t understand it myself most days, but I’ve spent a lot of years following it.   As brothers we have to be able to rely on each other… to trust each other even in the ugliest situations.  I can’t tell you how many times Yancy saved my ass in the field, Truly.  Iraq… Afghanistan… he had my back… always…. Just like I had his.  We saved each other’s lives countless times.  That kind of risk builds a bond.  I felt like I owed it to him to have his back when I could… even those times when he didn’t deserve it.  I told him every day how I thought what he was doing behind your back was wrong.  Hell, I threatened him more than once that I’d break the code and go to you myself.”

“But you didn’t,” I choked.  “You just watched him cheat on me…. The alleged other half of your soul.”

“You think that was easy?  Do you know how many fistfights Yancy and I got into the last three months he was alive?  Especially after you lost the baby?  By the time he died, he and I were barely on speaking terms because he couldn’t keep his dick in his BDUs.  I wanted him to clean up his act and be the husband you needed!  I begged him.  But how could I detonate a bomb on his marriage when I owed him my life?  What kind of man would that have made me?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered.  “All I know for sure is that I deserved better.”

“You did,” Pax agreed.  “And it killed me to see you unhappy.  I just couldn’t see a way to fix it.”

I shrugged.  “It wasn’t your job to fix it; it was his.”

“Tru, I can’t explain his choices.  All I can say is that I’m not him.  I’m no virgin, but I’ve been selective about who I share my dick with.  Christ, I’m thirty-five years old and I’ve only shared my body with a handful of woman.  And my heart?  Hell, I’ve never given my love easily, but when I do, it’s the forever kind of love, and the only woman I’ve ever given that kind of love to so far was my mother. And if I’m really lucky, you’ll let me make you the second.  Most importantly of all, I don’t believe in coincidences, sweetheart.  I don’t believe anything happens by chance.  I think everyone we come into contact with is in our life for a reason.  I’m not sure why, but whatever higher power you believe in put you, me, and Liberty on a collision course with each other.  And after having you in my arms and having your mouth underneath mine, I know it’s because we’re meant to be a family.”

Blinking up at him, I could feel my eyes widening at his claim.  It was crazy, wasn’t it?  What kind of higher power would come up with such a convoluted plan to make a family? “I-I don’t know what you want me to say here, Pax,” I whispered, shaking my head as my heart pounded in my chest.  “I need some time to think about this.  About you.  About Liberty.  About all of it.”

Pax nodded, his eyes warm as they looked into hers.  “I can see I’ve overwhelmed you.  Sometimes when you’ve lived in the darkness for so long, the light can hurt your eyes when you open the door and let the sunshine inside again.  The thing to remember is that it doesn’t hurt forever, Truly.  The longer you stand in the sun and let the light warm your face, the faster that pain will fade away.   And before too long, you’ll begin to wonder why you remained in the shadows in the first place.”

I couldn’t help smiling at the picture he drew with his words.  “It’s a nice thought, but real life is often a lot more complicated than that, Pax.”

“Maybe,” he acknowledged.  “But I’m a firm believer that life is only as hard as you choose to make it.  Right now, I want to make things as easy and simple as possible for you, me, and Liberty.  It’s why I bought a house.”

My jaw dropped at that piece of news.  Purchasing a piece of property implied a level of seriousness and maturity that my own husband had never been capable of offering no matter how much I’d begged to stop throwing money away on renting and put it toward actually owning something together.  “You bought a house?” I echoed “Wow!  That’s a pretty big commitment, isn’t it?  Especially for a confirmed bachelor.”

“Yeah, but I’m hoping I won’t be a bachelor forever.  Plus, I’m not exactly single any longer.  I have Liberty,” he pointed out carefully.  “I wanted to have a place where she’d feel comfortable growing up.  Anyway, I don’t know if you remember where Cormac Fletcher lives, but I snatched up the house across the street from his for a song.  I wanted to give Liberty a stable environment and figured it wouldn’t be so bad put down some roots.”

Stunned, I couldn’t help staring at Pax.  He’d bought my freaking dream house.   I’d spent literal years telling Yancy how much I loved the sprawling ranch style house with the pretty flower garden planted in front of the bay window.  “You bought the Simpsons’ house,” I breathed.  “I met the couple last year when Yancy and I attended Annie’s birthday party.  I never imagined them moving.  Mrs. Simpson was so attached to her flower garden.”

“I guess getting a new job that pays a fortune can convince you to pull up stakes and make a change,” Pax offered with a grin.  “Anyway, I’m having my stuff moved tomorrow.  Since you confirmed it and a little birdy told me that you still haven’t gotten a place yet…”

I rolled my eyes.  “Emily Fletcher’s telling my secrets, isn’t she?” I asked with a small laugh.  “I swear, that woman is like a dog with a bone.  She’s been trying to convince me to take that apartment over Fletch’s garage.  She offered it to me rent-free if I’d just help her out a little with Annie after the baby’s born.  She’s worried she might feel a little left out with a newer, littler sibling on the scene.”

“You’re friends with Em?”

I nodded.  “After Yancy died, she and a lot of the wives reached out.  We got to know each other better after Yancy died.”

“Well, then, I’ll have to do my best to make sure my offer tops hers,” Pax returned with a small chuckle.

“Your offer?”

“I want you to move in with Liberty and me at the new house.  I’ll even give you the master bedroom… rent-free, of course,” he added with a wink. 

“W-what?”

“Look, I know you can’t just jump into a mother/daughter relationship with Liberty even if you can wrap your head around being her guardian,” Pax began gently.

“Probably not like you have, no.  Seriously, if you hadn’t told me differently and I hadn’t seen the resemblance to Yancy, I would have thought she was yours,” I said truthfully.  “You’ve really taken to fatherhood, Pax.”

I watched as Pax slowly licked his lips while he considered how to reply to that.  I could see him examining and discarding responses in his mind at an alarming frequency and quickly reassured him.  “That’s a compliment, Pax.  I meant it is a compliment.”  I smiled as he visibly relaxed. 

“Thank you,” he murmured softly.  “I guess since I don’t have the history with Yancy that you do…I mean, emotionally, her mother meant nothing to me, and Pax… he was a friend.  It’s not as complicated for me to fall in love with her as it is for you.  For me, she became my daughter the moment that attorney said she was mine and the social worker put her in my arms.” 

I nodded even as I shifted uncomfortably, suddenly realizing that I was still straddling his lap.  “Oh, gosh,” I groaned as I scrambled to get off him.  “Why didn’t you tell me to get off?” I grumbled as I clamored to slide my ass onto the floor beside him.

“Maybe because I liked having you exactly where you were,” he stated evenly, laughing as I glared at him.

“Asshat,” I muttered, tossing my hair over my shoulder.

“Guilty,” he acquiesced.

Ignoring his playfulness, I shook my head.  “I can’t live with you, Pax.  How would it look?”

“Maybe like Liberty, you, and I are trying to be a family.  An unusual family, but a family, nevertheless.  Besides, you need a place to live,” he remarked, eyeing the stacks of boxes against the wall meaningfully.  “This is a win/win situation.  You get away from this house and the memories it holds and you move on.  With me.”

“I…I’m not saying no,” I stated quickly, knowing that if I did say no he’d only try to change my mind.  I could see the determination on his face.  This was important to him.  And honestly, I didn’t want to deny him without thinking things through.  “I’m saying I need some time to think about it.  This is a huge decision.  I don’t want to disappoint either you or Liberty, and honestly, I don’t know if I’m ready for this step.  It was only a few months ago I was married…”

“Unhappily married,” he amended softly, but purposefully.

“Fine, unhappily married and mourning the loss of my own child,” I pointed out.

“A loss that I am beyond sorry for,” he offered gravely.  “Nobody should know that kind of pain.  Especially not you.”

A lump of emotion rose in my throat, making it impossible to speak so I nodded instead as I blinked away tears.  “Right now, looking at Liberty hurts.  I’m not saying it will always be that way or even that it will be that way tomorrow, but I’ve got to wrap my mind around things as they are.  Not as I wish they’d be.  I did read Melissa’s letter for me, but I need some time to absorb what she’s asking of me.  Honestly, I’m not sure I’m that good of a person, Pax.”

“You are,” he reassured me softly.  “I’ve got no doubts about that.  I wouldn’t be sitting here if I did.”

“Well, I need to come to that conclusion, too.  So, for now, I need to decline your invitation to live with you.  I’ve still got some time left here.  I can take a little time and figure out my next move.”  Seeing the disgruntled look on his handsome face, I fought a smile.  He looked… cute.  Perturbed and vexed, but very, very cute.  “Paxton, when I come to you… if I come to you… it needs to be for the right reasons.  Give me the time to make sure I know what I’m doing.”

“How long?” he questioned boldly.

“Huh?”

“How long will it take you to know that me and Liberty are the answer to all your questions?”

“It takes as long as it takes,” I remarked truthfully. 

Eyeing me unhappily, Pax finally nodded before he lifted a hand to cradle my cheek.  “Do what you need to do, Truly.  In the end, I’m confident you’ll arrive at the same conclusion I have.”

“And what’s that exactly?” I asked with a shy smile. 

“That you’re meant to be an integral part of the family I’m building.  I’ve got the daddy and baby covered.  Mommy is still missing even though I’ve already found her.  The sooner you realize it, the better for everyone.  In the meantime, you can expect me to do everything I can to convince you that a life with me and Liberty is exactly what you need.”

“Well, you’re certainly persistent,” I replied, not quite sure I meant it as a compliment.

“Oh, Bambi, you ain’t seen nothing yet,” he murmured, leaning forward.  “Now, before I take my baby and go, I want another of those sweet cherry kisses.”

And solely in the interest of expediency, that’s exactly what I gave him.

At least, that’s what I’d tell myself later.