CHAPTER 31
CINDY

I stood there in a daze on the porch as I watched Graham walk into his house. It wasn’t until Nicole guided me to my room that I snapped out of it. She helped me take my shoes off, tucked me into bed, and fielded Lily’s questions about what was wrong. I felt empty. Lost. Abandoned by another man I had grown to care about.

I was alone again.

And my body ached.

I got up in the morning and cleaned myself as best as I could. I still couldn’t move my shoulder well, and my hip was still throbbing with every step I took. I couldn’t stand to look at myself in a mirror yet, and Nicole kept telling me to not worry about work.

But I needed work.

I needed something that felt familiar and could occupy my mind with anything other than the war that was raging inside me.

Nicole and I took Lily to school, but I stayed in the car. I didn’t want to frighten any of the other children with what I looked like. Lily looked back and waved at me, and I smiled and waved back.

But I was still overwhelmed with sadness.

“Okay. Talk to me,” Nicole said.

I jumped as she slammed her door closed.

“Do we have enough time to get coffee?” I asked.

“We’ve got all the time in the world.”

“No, we don’t. We have to work today,” I said.

“Nope. I’m closing the shop down today. You and I are going to talk over some good coffee, and then we’re going to spend the day together until we have to pick Lily up.”

“You don’t have to do that. I would welcome the work.”

“I’m not working you until you’re off that pain medication, so deal with it. Now, what kind of coffee do you want?”

“Can we go to that place with those gooey cinnamon rolls? We can sit in the car and eat them.”

“Will you talk to me about what happened last night?” she asked.

“Why do you think something happened?”

“Because you were yelling after Graham, and when I came out onto the porch, it looked like you had seen a ghost,” she said.

“Graham’s leaving,” I said.

“Leaving? What do you mean?”

“I mean he’s leaving town. He thinks that he’s the one who put me in danger.”

“What?” she asked.

“He said that even though his name has been cleared, whatever that meant, and that Paul was arrested, it didn’t mean the mob wasn’t still looking for him.”

“Even with the cops and the CIA on watch for them now?” she asked.

“Even with that,” I said.

“Well, I’m sorry to have to agree with him but, it’s just, if that’s true, then I can’t blame him for wanting to leave.”

“If it wasn’t for him, Nicole, I’d be dead right now. He saved me from Paul. He wasn’t the reason Paul unraveled.”

“True. But if there are people still looking for him, being around him does make you a prime target.”

“So you think this is what he should do? Just run off without a trace and leave me behind? After all we’ve gone through together?”

“No, I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying that what’s he’s saying makes sense. In his mind, he’s doing the right thing by leaving. He probably sees it as his way of keeping you and Lily safe. And after what happened with his own family and after what happened with you last week, I can’t blame him for wanting to do that.”

“But?”

“But you obviously have strong feelings for him,” she said. “If you don’t want him to leave, then fight for him. Buck up against him and give him all of the reasons why he should stay.”

“Why do I have to fight? Why can’t he just listen to my rationale? I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m done fighting. I’m tired. I’m in pain, and I care about the man, for fuck’s sake.”

“If you care about him, then you’ll need to fight for him. You don’t fight for things you don’t care about, Cindy.”

“And what if this is all one big cover?” I asked. “What if he simply doesn’t want to be with me, and he’s using all of this as justification?”

“Why would you think that?” she asked.

“Because he’s done nothing but push me away this past week! He hasn’t come over once to check in on me. Lily’s gone and knocked on his door several times, and he wouldn't answer. Now he’s hell-bent on leaving town. He said he was giving me the ‘courtesy’ of telling me to my face. Why didn’t he just leave?”

“Because he cares about you,” she said.

“Are you really defending him right now?”

“Yes, I am. Because in the time you’ve been with Graham, I haven’t seen you happier. I haven’t seen you smile the way you smile about him since Bradley. And that’s some serious shit because I know you don’t open up easily to others.”

“Things have already been set in motion anyway,” I said.

“I think you’re insane if you don’t try to stop him from leaving. I think you’ll regret it and that it will eat you up for years to come.”

“Years. Okay, Nicole.”

“You wallowed with Bradley. Losing that man broke you. You couldn’t even look at Lily without bursting into tears because of how much she looked like him. You lost over forty pounds because you wouldn’t eat, and you were hospitalized twice with dehydration because your depression caused you to sink. I almost lost you, Cindy. I almost lost both of you that year. I liked Bradley. He became a good friend of mine once he came into your life, but there were times when you had to fight for him, remember?”

“Nicole, don’t,” I said.

“Remember your first year of marriage? When that explosion happened overseas, and you didn’t hear from him for two weeks?”

“Stop it,” I said.

“You heard from him when you received his end of those divorce papers. He said he couldn’t drag you through the shell of a man he’d become over that deployment, and you fucking met his ass on the tarmac and lit that shit on fire. Right in front of him. Remember?”

“Yes, I remember! Of course, I remember!”

“You clawed through the mire and the darkness for that man. Why aren’t you willing to do it with Graham when I know you care about him as much as you cared about Bradley?”

“Because I don’t know if he’ll stay, Nicole! I don’t know if fighting for him will work!”

“Then what the hell do you have to gain by not trying?” she asked.

I sighed as I leaned back in my chair. I closed my eyes and allowed the pain of my body to overcome me. I saw Bradley’s face. I saw him smiling at the end of the aisle and holding our beautiful girl in his arms. I saw him running up and down the road, trying to get in some physical training while I recuperated from my C-section. I saw Bradley shoving off to war with his bag slung over his shoulder and a grim stare in his eyes.

Then I saw Graham, his eyes looking down at me as he carried me through the woods.

“Could you take me home?” I asked.

“Already there,” Nicole said.

We pulled into my driveway, and I shook my head.

“Go get him,” she said. “And don’t worry about Lily. I’ll pick her up.”

I got out of the car and headed straight for Graham’s house. I stepped up onto the porch, wincing as my hip popped. I banged on his door with my good hand. I banged and I banged and I yelled Graham’s name. I was about to throw my only good shoulder into it when the door whipped open, revealing a confused Graham standing in nothing but a towel.

“Really?” I asked.

“I was in the shower,” he said.

“Of course you were.”

“What is it, Cindy? Is something wrong?”

“Yes, something’s wrong,” I said. “You’re leaving.”

Graham sighed and shook his head, but I stood my ground.

“You can’t leave,” I said.

“I have to,” he said.

“No, you don’t. You think you do, but you don’t.”

“I’ve already signed contracts to renovate the house. The construction crew will be here next week,” he said.

“But I love you, Graham.”

I watched his eyes whip over to mine as I took a step toward him.

“I love you,” I said breathlessly.

I slid my hand up his wet chest and pressed my lips against his. His body was rigid, but his lips were soft, undulating against mine as I pressed deeper into him. His arms draped around my body, unable to refuse the warmth I had to give him. I slid my tongue between his lips, tasting him as he opened himself up to me.

“I love you,” I said again.

“Cindy.”

“I love you.”

“Please, Cindy.”

“Oh, how I love you, Graham.”

“I love you too.”

His words stopped me in my tracks. I opened my eyes, and he nuzzled his nose against mine. My legs grew weak and he caught me in his arms, my hands flying up to his chest.

“Then why are you leaving?” I asked.

“Because I love you,” he said.

“You don't leave someone you love.”

“If it keeps them safe, you do,” he said.

“It doesn’t work that way with me,” I said.

“This is the best way, whether you realize it or not.”

“Humans aren’t meant to survive alone, Graham. They are meant to have people, a community surrounding them. Helping them eat and grow and thrive and raise their children. We aren’t lone wolves. We were meant to mate. To love. To procreate. It’s etched into our biological DNA.”

“I had that, and I lost it,” he said.

“And sometimes, that happens. We’re animals, but we’re sophisticated. Sometimes, people like us get a second chance, another shot at dwelling with someone who completes us. You complete me, Graham. I think this is my second chance at a happy ending.”

I looked up into his eyes as his arms tightened around my body.

“And I know you feel the same,” I said.

“I bought this house, and it’s about to be heavily renovated. I’ve got nowhere to stay,” Graham said.

“Then move in with me and Lily. Right next door,” I said.

“You don’t have a guest bedroom.”

“Why would I need one?” I asked.

He snickered and shook his head as I steadied myself on my feet. I pushed through the pain in my shoulder and wrapped my arms around his neck. I looked up into his beautiful blue eyes as the water from his body soaked the front of my clothes.

“You’re a stubborn woman, you know that?” he asked.

“Say yes,” I said.

“I still don’t know if they’re looking for me,” he said.

“Say yes, Graham.”

Our lips grew closer and closer, so close, I could feel his breath on my cheek. I turned my lips to him and kissed him lightly, peppering his face as my fingers twirled in his water-drenched locks. Our lips connected, and his arms enveloped my back, pulling me into the strength of his body.

I loved this man.

I would always love this man.

I felt him nod against me, and I smiled into our kiss. He walked us into his home and shut the door behind him. He picked me up into his arms as his towel slipped to the kitchen floor. Then, he walked us back into his steam-filled bathroom.

“I love you,” he said as he stepped us into his shower.

“I’m still in my clothes,” I said with a giggle.

“Don’t worry,” he said into my ear. “I’ll fix that.”