CHAPTER 8
GRAHAM

I kept thinking about dinner last night and how Cindy and Lily and I had eaten pizza like it was a normal thing. I thought about how hard it had been to keep my eyes off Cindy and how nice it was not to be alone. Cindy was a beautiful woman, and her daughter had her features except their eyes were different colors. Lily had sky blue eyes, and Cindy had these deep emerald ones. It was hard for me to not stare into them, get lost in them, and relish how it felt to be looked at by a beautiful woman again.

It was shameful, how I was feeling.

I was putting my own needs above those around me.

I was dangerous and so was my life.

I worked a short shift that morning and then went home to clean up. The work on my truck was almost done, and I was ready to finish it up. Every time I rolled my body underneath the damn thing, I thought about my son and about how much he loved putting his stomach on the rolling pad and rushing around my workbench. I shook my head as I cleaned myself off in the shower, watching the car grease swirl down the drain.

I needed to push Cindy and Lily away.

It was the only thing that would get me back on track.

A knock sounded at my door as I pulled a shirt over my head. My hair was still dripping, and my skin was still damp. I held my breath to see if the person would go away. It was probably some door-to-door evangelist or something coming to save my soul from some sort of eternal damnation.

Fuck that. There was no saving my soul.

I’d lost it in a hospital hallway a while ago now.

The knock came again, and I rolled my eyes. Who the fuck didn’t take the damn hint? I reached for my gun on the kitchen table and walked to the door, ready to stick it in the face of whoever was there.

Then, that sweet voice wafted through the wood.

“Graham, are you there?”

I put the gun away and opened the door to find Cindy standing on my porch. Her auburn hair was down around her shoulders and catching the light breeze. It fluttered around her neck, drawing my eyes to her milky skin. I could feel her stare on me, dancing around my shoulders and taking in the way the water was dripping from my hair to my ears.

“Did I interrupt something?” she asked.

“Just got out of the shower. Everything okay?” I asked.

“I, um …”

Her eyes fell to my chest, and I watched her cheeks flush.

“I wanted you to come over for dinner tonight,” Cindy said.

“Can’t,” I said.

“Let me rephrase that. I want to cook you dinner to repay you for sharing your pizza with Lily.”

“That wasn’t a big deal,” I said. “You don’t have to cook me dinner for that.”

“I know I don’t have to, but I want to.”

“I can’t tonight,” I said.

“Tomorrow night maybe?” she asked.

“It was really nothing.”

“Please, let me repay you. I don’t like being in anyone’s debt.”

“It was a slice of pizza. If you’re that concerned about it, I’ll take three dollars,” I said, trying hard to keep the edge out of my voice.

“Or you can let me cook you dinner, and you can come over and eat it,” she said, a hint of annoyance in her own words.

“You’re not backing down from this, are you?”

“I can cook and bring it over, or you can come over and sit at our table. Your choice.”

I bit down on the edge of my cheek and sighed. She was relentless, but there was a fire behind her eyes I found myself enjoying. A woman who didn’t back down was a special kind of woman.

I shook the thought away as quickly as it had popped up.

“Fine,” I said. “I’ll come over tonight.”

“Five o’clock. I’ll let Lily know, so if you don’t show up, she can come running.”

“You’d really send your kid over here to get me?” I asked.

“If you think I’m bad, you haven’t experienced the worst of Lily yet.”

I felt my lips wanting to grin as I watched her walk across the lawn.

Fuck.

What the hell was I getting myself into? I looked around to make sure we weren’t being watched and then sighed as I shut my door. I reached for my gun, stuffed it in the back band of my jeans, and went looking for my jacket.

I took one final look at myself in the mirror before I headed over to the house. Lily was standing on the porch, waving at me and smiling. She came running at me and wrapped her arms around my leg, so I picked her up and carried her in the house.

“This belong to you?” I asked.

“Eh, some days. You can put her down on the couch,” Cindy said.

I tossed Lily onto the couch, and she giggled furiously.

“Again! Please?”

She scrambled into my arms, and we did it a few more times. Her hair bounced around in her little curls, and her legs flailed every time she hit the cushions. She was full of energy and was bright as the sun, and it filled my chest with an aching happiness. I used to play that game with my son, and he’d loved it just like Lily did. Tossing her into the air and listening to her giggle brought back the best of memories, but in the pit of my gut, it hurt.

Holy hell, I missed my family.

“I hope you like lasagna, salad, and garlic bread,” Cindy said.

“I do. It smells good in here,” I said, trying to stuff down my emotions.

“Mommy makes lasagna from scratch,” Lily said.

“Do you prefer anything special to drink? I’ve got water, milk, some wine, juice, and I picked up a couple of loose beers I saw you drinking the other night.”

“What?” I asked.

“The beer you had in your hand when you came over. With the pizza? Heineken, right?”

She pulled one out of the fridge and held it up for me to look at. She remembered the kind of beer I had been drinking? My eyes connected with hers and a small smile slid across her cheeks.

She set it on the table, and while she wasn’t paying attention, I watched her every movement. I watched her shirt fall around her curvy body and took in how her jeans clung to her legs.

But Lily jumping onto my back pulled me from my thoughts.

“Giddyap!”

I trotted around the house with her on my back while Cindy set the table. She poured everyone’s drink and got everything set up. I sat Lily down at her place before I found mine, my eyes still on the beer.

Has she been paying that much attention to me?

Why?

“Dinner is served,” Cindy said.

“It looks wonderful. Thank you,” I said.

“Nope. You don’t thank me. This is your thanks for the pizza,” she said.

My eyes flickered over to Cindy, and an embarrassed blush crept across her cheeks. I watched her serve up a small portion of lasagna for Lily before she plated one in front of me. Serving everyone before herself. I watched her as she sat down in her chair and began passing the garlic bread around.

“Mommy always makes sure everyone else has their food before she eats herself,” Lily said, digging happily into her lasagna.

“That’s called being selfless,” I said.

“What does that mean?” Lily asked.

I glanced at Cindy as her stare connected with the side of my head.

“It means she’s someone who loves those around her enough to make sure they’re okay before she’s okay,” I said.

“You mean like when she doesn't shower because she’s too busy cleaning?” Lily asked.

“Lily. That’s enough,” Cindy said.

“Yes,” I said. “Kind of like that.”

“I showered today, thank you very much,” Cindy said.

“I figured. You smell good.”

I couldn’t catch the thought quickly enough before it flew out of my mouth. Cindy shot me that precious little smile of hers, and I watched her eyes light up. For the first time in nearly two years, I felt the edges of my lips tick up. And this time, I didn’t try to force it down.

“Do you work?” Cindy asked.

“I do. Lee’s Mechanical Shop downtown,” I said.

“Do you like it there? Old Man Lee’s getting up there in age.”

“He’s an interesting person, but the manager seems nice enough.”

“Who’s the manager up there now?” she asked.

“A guy named Kevin Jones.”

“It’s about time.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Kevin Jones is Old Man Lee’s grandson. He’s the one set to take it over when Lee passes.”

“Well, it’ll be a good handoff. Kevin’s good with the cars and the customers.”

“Which one are you good with?” she asked.

I lifted my gaze to hers and found her kind eyes staring back at me. Her entire neck was flushed, and it dragged my eyes down her body.

Fuck, she’s beautiful.

And she could cook up a storm. The lasagna was amazing, and I was having a hard time holding back my praise. She was easy to talk to, but more than that, I wanted to talk with her, to tell her about my day while we sat at her dinner table.

I felt my wall shooting back up, blocking me off from her before I got too comfortable. I couldn’t tell her much about me. I couldn't indulge in this any longer. This wasn’t my family, and she wasn’t my wife, and Lily wasn’t my child.

This was a shitty idea.

I never should’ve come over.

“The lasagna’s good,” I said instead of answering her question.

“I’m glad you like it,” Cindy said. “Old family recipe.”

“Your mother a good cook?” I asked.

“More than that. She was a chef for most of her life.”

The dinner was easygoing, and I had to tread lightly. Every time Cindy struck up a conversation, I got excited. Every time Lily talked to me and got me going, I felt relaxed. And that was when disaster always struck. If I needed a reminder, I would lean into the back of the chair and feel the cool metal of my gun pressing into my back. I couldn’t lose focus. I couldn't get wrapped up in her and the deep, stormy ocean of her eyes.

I helped Cindy clean up, and then I headed on home. I closed the door behind me and rushed across the grass, trying to put as much distance between them and me as I possibly could.

There was something about the two of them so innately familiar that my body wanted to reach out for. The way her skin flushed in my presence made me feel like a man, and the way she was eager to get to know me made me feel special.

The way Lily wanted to play with me was something I’d longed to hear from my son for so long.

“They’re not my family. They’re not my family. They’re not my family.”

I chanted that phrase as I undressed. I cast my clothes aside and put my gun on my bedside table. Cindy was entrancing.

Too entrancing.

I’d never been affected by a woman that way. Not since Cary.

I laid down in bed as that phrase ran through my mind, and I closed my eyes to try and usher in another day. But all I saw in my mind’s eye was a beautiful face with auburn hair and a pixie smile.

I was fucked.