Chapter Twenty-One
“This place is nice,” Riley said as he hauled one of Emily’s bags into her dorm room, looking around at the bright, airy space. It was a surprisingly big room, especially when she wasn’t sharing it.
As far as he was concerned, Emily had hit the jackpot.
“It’s not so bad,” Emily agreed. “Once I’ve got a few posters up, maybe some lights… I can work with this.”
“You should have seen Brent’s dorm room,” Riley said. “There was barely enough space to walk between the two beds. This place, though. This is almost enough to make me wish I was going to college.”
“Do you regret not going?” Emily asked.
“No,” Riley said without having to think about it. “No, this isn’t quite my style. And you know, before Brent gets up here… if you decide in a week or a month or a year that it’s not your style either, I’ll have your back, okay?”
“He’d be so disappointed if I dropped out,” Emily said.
“I know, and I know you know, but you can’t let his potential disappointment dictate your life. I’ll handle Brent. I care about you, and I want you to be happy.”
Emily smiled at that. “Thanks, Riley.”
“Always. Brent may have been my friend first, but I love you, too.”
Emily surged forward, wrapping her arms around Riley’s shoulders and holding him tight. At about the same moment, Brent came through the door.
“What did he do to deserve that?” Brent asked, setting the box of books he was carrying down on the bed.
“He was just promising me that he’ll always have my back.” Emily pulled away, grinning at Riley.
Riley winked at her, and then turned to Brent. Brent didn’t need to know that he was handing out life advice that might upset him if Emily ever took it.
He’d hate himself later though if he realized he’d forced her to do this.
Riley was fairly sure Emily would suit college just fine, but he wanted her to know there were other options. Not everyone had to take the beaten path.
It felt like his responsibility to both of them to make sure they weren’t doing things just to please each other. Brent had given up so much to look after Emily, and now she was flying the nest.
Emotional didn’t even begin to describe the atmosphere between them.
Riley understood. Emily wasn’t Brent’s daughter, but he’d raised her like one. This was a big deal for him. It was a big deal for Emily, too, being away from the only family she’d ever known for the first time.
“He’ll keep that promise,” Brent said. “He’s always kept it for me.”
Riley blushed, warmth blooming in his stomach. He’d tried his best to be a good, loyal friend to Brent, and he was glad Brent thought he was.
“I know,” Emily said. “I need to make a friend like Riley.”
“Well, you already have a friend like me,” Riley said. “It’s me.”
Emily laughed at that. “You know what I mean. My own personal Riley.”
“You’ll find your people,” Riley promised. “You’re so smart and fun and interesting, people will flock to you. I know you’re scared. But they will.”
“Even I made a few friends in college,” Brent said. “So you should have no problem. You’re a lot cooler than me.”
“Can I have a hug?” Emily asked, looking between the two of them.
Riley stepped forward, and Brent moved at the same moment. After a slightly awkward pause, they both closed the gap at the same time, wrapping their arms around Emily and holding her close.
Brent’s family was a little on the unusual side, but in this moment, Riley wanted more than anything to be a part of it.
He wasn’t quite ready to believe that Brent wanted that, but things between them…
Well, there was definitely something between them. Something that hadn’t been there before. It was as if they’d both come to the point in their lives where maybe they had a shot together.
As much as Riley knew better than to get his hopes up, he was starting to fantasize about being able to settle down with Brent now. Slowly, in a way neither of them would really notice until they’d been living together for months, and Riley had no plans to leave, and Brent wanted him to stay.
It was such a nice thought that Riley smiled every time it popped into his head.
They weren’t there yet. But Riley was just starting to believe that maybe, someday, they could be. That was exciting.
“People are gonna think you two are my gay dads,” Emily said. “Which is cool, gay dads would make me way more interesting.”
“I think the truth would also make you pretty interesting,” Brent pointed out. “I mean… if you wanna pretend to your new friends that I’m your dad, and gay… I guess that’s fine, and I’ll play along.”
“I will also play along.” Riley grinned. Neither he nor Brent had discussed what was going on between them with Emily, but she had to have noticed that they’d been sharing a bedroom since they got back.
Emily wasn’t stupid. She had to have some idea what was going on, and this felt like her way of voicing her approval.
That meant something. Riley knew Brent would never maintain a relationship Emily wasn’t comfortable with, so knowing that Emily was comfortable with whatever was going on between the two of them took a load off his mind.
It was one less thing between him and his deepest, most fondly-held fantasy. The one where he got to live out his days with Brent.
Sometimes he felt so stupid, so childish for thinking like that, but it was what he wanted. Generally, Riley didn’t think of himself as much of a romantic, but in this particular case, he was.
“We should leave you to settle in,” Brent said, though his voice cracked on the last few syllables.
Brent was a lot less ready for this than Emily was.
“You should,” Emily said. “But I’m gonna miss you, too. I promise to text often.”
“I’m only ever a text away,” Riley said. “I’ll even pick up the phone if you call, which is an honor extended to very few people.”
“I, uh. I’m also only a call or a text or whatever away,” Brent said. “Y’know. Since I’m your older brother and all.”
“Riley’s my cool gay dad, though.” Emily wiped at her eyes. “Go. Get out of here before we all start crying.”
“Oh, we’re too late for that,” Brent responded, using his sleeve to dab at the corners of his own eyes.
Riley’s heart hurt for him, but this was an important milestone. This was proof that he’d done a good job with Emily. She was strong enough to do this, and that was all thanks to Brent.
“Come on,” Riley said, giving Brent a gentle nudge toward the door. “Our baby girl is all grown up.”
Brent laughed at that, hiccuping at the end. They needed to get out of here before he broke down in tears, because that would only upset Emily and leave Brent feeling guilty and embarrassed later.
“Okay, okay. I’m going. But I am always there if you need me.”
“I know. And I’ll be back home for the break before you know it,” Emily said.
“Take care of yourself,” Riley said, giving Brent another nudge toward the door. He wanted to take Brent’s hand, guide him out, but he wasn’t sure Brent would want that in front of Emily.
Riley might have realized that Emily knew, but Brent was probably still kidding himself that it was a secret. Now wasn’t the time to have that discussion.
“Take care of my brother,” Emily responded.
“Always,” Riley promised, giving Brent one final, gentle push out the door and closing it behind them.
Brent was silent as they headed back to the parking lot, his jaw set tight. Riley hated to see him so tense, but hopefully, once they were in the car, he’d be able to relax a little.
As soon as Brent was settled behind the wheel and had the door closed, he burst into tears. Riley reached out to him, taking his hand and linking their fingers together.
“She’ll be okay,” Riley said.
“I know.” Brent swallowed, dabbing at his eyes again. “I’m the one who’s not gonna be okay. I know exactly how parents feel now. What the hell do I do with my life if not look after her?”
“You get the chance to live it,” Riley said, brushing his thumb over the back of Brent’s hand. “I know you never resented being left with her, but you didn’t choose it, either. It’s something that happened to you, and you’ve never had a chance to heal. This… this is your chance.”
“But what do I do?” Brent asked, his lip trembling. He suddenly looked twenty-two all over again, having just been dropped in the deep end and desperate for guidance.
Riley wasn’t sure how much help he’d been then, and he wasn’t sure how much help he’d be now, but he was going to try anyway.
“You follow your heart. It knows the way,” Riley said.
Sometimes, he hated that he sounded like Zen Quotations for Dummies, but a lot of the stuff that people dismissed as trite or stupid or obvious was really important. If they gave it the chance to resonate, if they just listened sometimes, they’d be happier.
Brent was usually pretty smart about taking advice. Riley rarely got frustrated with him. Only when it came to working himself to the bone for other people’s benefit.
If Brent could get it into his head that looking after himself was important, Riley would be happy.
Brent sniffed. “I don’t think I’m in a frame of mind to appreciate that advice right now. I just… need a minute.”
“I know,” Riley said. “And I don’t care if we sit here all day. I have nowhere else to be.”
“Thanks.” Brent looked down at his lap. “I’ll be okay. Everything just seems to be happening at once right now.”
“So now wouldn’t be a good time to tell you that you have to come to lunch with my family tomorrow?”
Despite the tears still welling up in his eyes, Brent laughed. “Owen already invited me, actually.”
“That’s nice, but Owen’s married. So you have to come as my date instead.”
Riley’s stomach bottomed out at saying the word date, since they’d both been carefully avoiding putting any kind of labels on what they were doing, but it seemed like the bare minimum.
“Date?” Brent asked. Obviously, Riley’s word choice hadn’t gone unnoticed.
He wanted to say yes, date, be firm about it, ask Brent for what he really wanted, but he couldn’t do it.
“Would you prefer guest?” Riley asked.
He didn’t want to push Brent away. Brent was having a hard time right now, he didn’t need Riley making demands of him. He needed a chance to figure out what he wanted.
Even if what he wanted turned out not to be Riley.
“I… don’t know.” Brent kept staring down into his lap. “I have no idea.”
“That’s okay,” Riley rushed to assure him. “Will you come anyway? As my friend?”
“Well, your mom will kill me if I don’t, so…”
Riley smiled at that. She would have gone over to Brent’s house and dragged him by the ear if he hadn’t showed up. When she made her mind up about something, that was final.
Riley was still hoping to grow up to be like her.
“Good. I could use the company.”
“Your entire family will be there,” Brent pointed out.
“Yeah, but they all have their families with them. I’m always alone.”
Riley wondered the moment he said it if maybe he’d said too much. He didn’t really want Brent to worry about how profoundly lonely he was.
He didn’t really want Brent to know. He liked to be the strong one, the problem-solver, carefree and wise and settled in his life, because that was what people expected of him.
The fact that none of it was true didn’t mean he could drop the façade. He didn’t have a lot to offer, but he could give the people he loved peace of mind that he’d always be okay.
It didn’t matter whether or not that was true.
Brent squeezed his hand, and Riley’s heart sank. He knew. And now he’d worry.
“I’m here for you too, you know.”
Riley shifted his weight in the car seat. That was nice to hear, and he couldn’t stop himself from liking it. Even if he felt guilty.
“I know,” he murmured. Riley believed that. He believed that Brent would jump to take care of him if he so much as asked.
But Brent had been asked too much already. Riley hated the thought of putting more weight on his already overburdened shoulders.
“We should get out of here before Emily comes down and sees me crying in the car,” Brent said.
“Do you want me to drive? You could take a nap. It’s been a long day.”
“Would you?” Brent asked, his face hopeful.
Riley opened the car door and climbed out without a pause. “I’d love to.”
Maybe if he could get Brent to lean on him a little, they’d both be okay.