Second Chances bar and grill, as much of a staple as it'd become in my life and boring as a result, somehow felt relieving given the events of Parker’s first week back in my life.

The place was a disaster. There was shit all over the place thanks to Jason and Dan’s wedding prep, but even that chaos was preferable to dealing with my son. I didn’t know how to handle him, I didn’t know how to deal with his teacher, and I didn’t know how to deal with all the feelings that'd stirred up inside me thanks to both of them. Until Parker had barged back into my life, I'd thought I had my self all figured out. I thought I was just a regular, average Joe, earning an honest living in a family bar and content with living the bachelor lifestyle.

But how true was that? I wasn't sure anymore. Jason and Dan’s wedding looming over me didn’t help, didn’t make it any easier for me to forget I was single and not exactly enjoying it.

“Everything okay?” Jason asked, snapping me out of my thoughts and away from the stretch of the bar I'd been wiping down in a tired circle for the last ten minutes.

“Oh, you know, just peachy,” I said and Jason chuckled.

“I take it things aren't going well with Parker?” Jason asked.

“What was your first clue?” I asked. “I mean, Jesus, who would handle this well? Especially me, I don’t know what the word parent even means, let alone how to be one,” I sighed.

“Give yourself a break. As awful as this must be for Parker, it’s just as bad for you. I mean, this is a total upending of your life. Of course, you’re going to make mistakes, of course, you’re going to screw things up, that’s just the way it is when you’re a parent,” Jason said.

"And how the hell would you know?" I asked. “You ain’t even married yet, much less a parent.”

"I guess I wouldn't, but that's what everyone says about parenting," Jason said with a shrug, his blue eyes twinkling.

“Well, if that was supposed to me feel better, it didn’t,” I said, and Jason chuckled.

“Sorry, it’s the best I can do. So, did you ever get to the bottom of why Parker decided to punch somebody?” Jason asked. I hesitated, not sure whether I wanted to tell him about it or not. I didn’t want Jason to take it the wrong way, didn’t want him to think his wedding or his relationship with Dan or any of that other stuff was reflecting poorly on Parker and me.

“It’s complicated,” I sighed.

“Well, we’ve got time. Just tell me, whatever it is, I’m sure I can handle it,” Jason said.

“Somebody called him gay,” I said, and Jason laughed.

“Are you serious? That’s why he decided to take a swing at somebody like he was Mike fucking Tyson? I’m surprised he didn’t try to bite the kid's ear off or something,” he laughed. At least he hadn't taken things the wrong way.

“Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either. If it were me, I would’ve just let it go, but maybe I’ve gotten easier going in my old age or something, I dunno,” I said with a shrug.

“Do you think he might be gay?” Jason asked.

“Hell if I know, but his teacher asked me the same thing,” I said, and again Jason laughed.

“Really? What a weird thing for a teacher to ask a parent,” he said, shaking his head as he began loading clean beer mugs from the dish rack into the overhead shelving where we stored them. "I guess that's the new kind of world we live in these days. I would've had a heart attack if one of my teachers had asked Dad if he thought I might be gay."

“Yeah, that's what I thought too. Why would the teacher ask me that?”

“Well, maybe he thought you could help Parker work through it,” Jason said. “You know, I'd be happy to talk to him if you want me to. I am about to marry another dude, after all,” Jason said and I chuckled.

“I appreciate that, but I think it might be a little weird. After all, he knows you even less than he knows me,” I said. Jason nodded with a frown.

“Fair enough, but I’ve always been better at dealing with feelings than you,” he said.

“Very funny,” I said.

“I’m serious though. If you don’t feel like you can handle it, or if you don’t think you could have the conversation, I'm more than willing to do it,” Jason said.

“Again, I appreciate it, but I don’t think it’s necessary. I’ll figure it out with Parker, one way or the other,” I said.

“All right, all right, I’ll back off. Just know I’m here for you if you need me, or if he needs me,” Jason said.

“Yeah, heard you loud and clear the first time,” I said and stormed off into the kitchen. Mike, our cook, had his face hovering over the fryer while he cleaned it, getting ready for the bar to open. It smelled like death in the kitchen, just like it always did when he changed the grease, but the smell was comforting in a way. It was something I recognized, something I could hold onto when everything else seemed to be spinning away from me.

“Hey, how’s it going boss?” Mike asked.

“Been better,” I said, and kept walking until I got out of the bar and into the alley behind it. I just needed some fresh air, needed some time to process everything in my head. Why did Jason feel like he needed to volunteer himself for something like this?

I was Parker’s father, if anybody, it should be me who talked to him. But how the hell would I talk to him? I couldn’t even relate to him on an everyday level, as father and son, much less as a father who was concerned about his son's struggles coming to talk to him about a difficult subject.

As much as I hated to admit it, Jason was right. I was never good at dealing with emotions, never good at working through my shit, so it wasn’t like I could help Parker even if he came clean with me—and I doubted he would in the first place. Parker barely knew me, and I barely knew him, so what would make him think he could trust me with something so personal? And more than that, what would happen if he wasn’t gay? What would happen if I broached the subject and made a total fool of myself all for nothing?

Parker would never talk to me again, would always be convinced that I was digging in his business where I wasn’t wanted. That was what I got the impression Charlene did, what had driven her away from him in the first place, and that was the last thing I wanted to do with him myself. I wanted to get close to him; I wanted to make up for all the time we'd spent apart, all the time I'd never been able to be a father to him. This was my only chance, so I couldn’t afford to screw it up.

But it wasn’t just Parker that worried me. A lot of my feelings had been stirred up, feelings I thought I'd gotten rid of years ago. There was a time in my life when I wondered if I might be attracted to both sexes, men, and women, but I'd never really acted on it. I didn’t think I could, didn’t think it was safe for me to, and after Jason came out to our father and Dad more or less threw him to the wolves, it convinced me that whatever I thought it was going on inside me had to stay inside me.

So I got married to Charlaine, we had Parker, and everything was the way it was supposed to be. I had a wife, I had a kid, and it was time for me to settle down and be the man that my family—immediate and extended—expected me to be. That was what southern men did; they became husbands and fathers, providers, and picked up whatever work they could to make sure their families were taking care of, just like their fathers before them.

Now that Parker had blown back into my life and brought Clay along with him, I wasn't sure my feelings had ever gone away.

Sure, there were times when men drifted into my mind, but I always shook it away as something that wasn’t real. It was just fantasy, the kind of stuff that excited me because I wasn’t really into it—but maybe I was into it.

When I met Clay, saw the way he looked at me with those deep brown eyes of his, looked me up and down like a piece of meat waiting for him to take, it all came flooding back. Coupled with the fight that Parker'd had with one of the students over being called gay, and Charlaine's comments about me being a positive role model for Parker in that regard, I was less and less sure of my feelings.

No matter what happened, I would have to be strong for Parker. If I needed to work on my shit, and there was almost no doubt in my mind that I needed to, it would have to be on my own time away from Parker. I had to be there for him first and foremost, be the father I'd never been before. Otherwise, I might lose him forever.

I’d already disappointed my father, Charlaine, and dozens of other people, I couldn’t bear to disappoint Parker too. I wasn’t much of a believer, in the strict sense, but I believed that Parker had come back into my life for a good reason, to help both of us grow. I wasn’t going to look that particular gift horse in the mouth.

With a sigh, I reached into my back pocket and pulled out the crumpled pack of cigarettes I always carried with me. I tore one of them out, and though it'd snapped in half, it lit well enough from the lighter I kept in my other pocket.

After I took a deep inhale, I watched the smoke evaporate in the air along with all my stresses. Maybe I should've tried to kick the habit again, for Parker's sake, but I couldn't imagine being without some stress relief.

“Hey George, Parker’s here,” Jason said, his head poking out of the back door. I let out a sigh, took another few quick drags of the cigarette, and flicked it away into the alley. Was school already out? If it was then the day had flown by without me noticing.

“Is everything okay?” I asked.

“I’m not sure, but he seems happy,” Jason said with a shrug. One of the bar towels hung over his shoulder, and I snatched it off and wiped my forehead with it.

“Well, I guess that’s a start,” I said and followed Jason back through the kitchen into the bar. Parker sat at one of the stools with his bookbag slung up on top of the counter, drumming his fingers against it. He smiled when he saw me come in, and Jason was right, he did look happy for once. I checked the wall for the time, and sure enough, it was just before three o’clock, so he hadn’t skipped school or gotten thrown out again. That was a relief.

“What’s good, buddy?” I asked.

“Not much, just another day,” Parker said. It was odd to see him acting and looking so boyish in the bar like that, given his massive frame and beard, but it reminded me that underneath his gruff exterior he still was just a scared little boy. We both were.

“No more excitement at school today?” I asked. Parker chuckled.

“No, not that kind of excitement anyway. We had a good day in band today. I got to play with the snare drum a little bit, and I loved it,” Parker said, a massive smile appearing on his face.

“Good for you, I’m glad. Did Mr. Johnson say whether or not he was going to put you on percussion?” I asked. I didn’t know how to relate to or talk to Parker outside of the context of school, so that’s where I kept it going.

“Yeah, he says he thinks I've got potential. That’s part of the reason I decided to stop by instead of going home. Mr. Johnson has an afterschool music program, and he said he thinks I might be a perfect fit for it. I want to join, but it’s going to require some rides back and forth to school, so I thought I should ask you before I agreed to it,” Parker said. Maybe he was more mature than I thought he was.

“Of course. Clay mentioned the program to me too, but I didn’t want to spoil the surprise for you,” I said, smiling. Parker raised an eyebrow at me.

“Clay? So now you’re on a first name basis with him?” Parker asked.

“Well, that’s what he asked me a call him. What do you want me to call him?” I asked, and despite myself, my cheeks started to burn. Great, now it was written all over my face.

“You like him, don’t you?” Parker asked, smirking.

“No, that has nothing to do with it,” I snapped.

“Sure, keep telling yourself that,” he said. “Anyway, so it’s cool if I join the program?”

“Yeah, it’s Tuesdays and Thursdays, right?” I asked.

“Yeah. We meet right after school so I don’t need a ride to school, but I will need a ride home since the buses won’t be running then,” Parker said.

“Alright. I won't be home until late tonight. Do you want something from the kitchen for dinner?”

“Sure,” Parker said. “What do you got?”

“Mike can cook you up some chicken tenders or something, maybe with some fries?”

“Sounds good,” Parker said. Smiling, I went into the kitchen and ordered up the food for him. It only took a few moments for Mike to cook it, a classic dish he must’ve cooked thousands of times, and I brought it out to Parker and set it in front of him.

“Wow, this looks really good,” Parker said, already tearing into it. He had half the serving of fries eaten by the time I managed to get a word in edgewise.

“Yeah, Mike isn’t half bad, is he?” I asked.

“It’s not bad for bar food at all. Oh, that reminds me, Mr. Johnson and I were talking, and we got this cool idea. I know Jason is getting married soon, so I wondered if it might be cool if Mr. Johnson and I played the music for the wedding. What do you think?” Parker asked, and my heart dropped into my stomach.

It wasn’t a bad idea on the surface, but the idea of having Clay in my space, my sacred space, terrified me.

“We’ll see. I’ll have to talk to Jason about it, but I’m sure he’ll be cool with it,” I said, and though Parker smiled at me while he devoured another chicken tender, I couldn’t help wondering what I was signing up for and if Jason would go through with it.

Either way, I couldn’t avoid the fact that Clay and I were getting closer and closer, whether or not I wanted it.

And I couldn't shake my excitement.