Beck’s fist clenched. I couldn’t believe what I had just said. But my decision was final.

I was moving to San Diego. With my sisters.

Tomorrow.

“Why Paloma? Why are you doing this to me? I love you, dammit. Isn’t that enough?”

I shook my head. “No, it’s not enough.”

“What do you want from me? I’m crazy about you. Sky loves you. I love your sisters. Of course, it’s a good idea.”

“But you will be flying around the country. I will never ever see you.”

“I come home most weeks for a few days.”

“But what about the rest of the time? I won’t know anyone on base. And people will talk there like they talk here.” People like his mother. I had tried to be strong and proud, but her words had stung me deeply.

“I don’t care what people think. Not Charlie, not my mom. I just want to be with you. Don’t you get that?”

I believed that he thought that now. But I also thought that his feelings could change.

“Your mom hates me. I don’t sip champagne and eat caviar. I don’t want to ruin your life.”

“You would never ruin my life. You are my life.”

He kissed me, and I melted. He was great. I had no complaints at all about him or our relationship. But deep down no matter how hard I had tried to convince myself otherwise, I had always known that we were on a timeline.

And now our time was up.

I had made my decision.

And even if it was the wrong one, I was sticking to it.

Sure, I could go to Florida, and it could work out. We could maybe even get married one day, and I would be Sky’s mommy.

But I would be alone on the base.

I would be ostracized.

And then—he could leave me.

And I would have nothing.

I couldn’t take that risk when my sisters were involved.

My heart constricted in my chest. I couldn’t believe I was the one who was ending this. Especially when my feelings for Beck hadn’t changed. 

When he had walked into the door earlier tonight, he had a hopeful look on his face. And roses. A dozen red roses. How was I going to be able to tell him?

I pulled back from him.

“Is this about your dad? I’m not him. I’m not going to leave you. I asked you to move to me with Pensacola. He has nothing to do with us.”

And that was when I broke. “How can you say that? He has everything to do with us. Everything. Don’t you see that? History is repeating itself. It’s like I’m cursed.”

He clutched me by the arms. “No, you are wrong. I’m not going to leave you. I’m in love with you.”

I paused. I rationally knew it was too soon to talk about marriage. But I also knew that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life as Beck’s nanny. And no matter how hard I tried to fight it, I feared that I would end up like my mom.

“I can’t move across the country with you unless we were engaged. I know it’s too soon for that, but I can’t move with you on a maybe. Not when I have to think about my sisters.”

His face turned pale. “I’m in love with you. We have only been together for a month. I’m not even thinking about marriage right now.”

A lump grew in my throat. “Well, I may be crazy, but I would marry you. Today. Now.” Yup. I was definitely crazy. But I craved stability, because I had never had any. Couldn’t he understand that?

He shook his head. “Why do we have to rush everything? We live together. You are moving in with me.”

“I don't want to be you nanny forever. One day, I want to be your wife.”

His neck tensed. “My wife? We have only known each other for ten weeks, and we have only been dating for a month. I’m not saying I will never marry you. But it’s too soon right now. Catherine and I dated for six years before I proposed.”

“I’m not Catherine! I’m so sorry that your wife died, but I’m not her. And you dated long distance. We live together. I am your wife for all intents and purposes. I cook for you, watch your daughter, clean your house, do your laundry, sleep with you at night.” I heard the words come out of my mouth and I knew I sounded erratic, unreasonable. But I also knew that I meant those crazy words.

He held my arms down. “Babe, listen to me. I’m crazy about you. You know that. But I have so much going on right now. With the airshow season kicking up and waiting to get orders. I don’t know where I will be next year. This is going to work out, but I don’t see what’s so wrong about taking this slow.”

“We are not taking this slow. You will never decide to marry me. I’ll always be the nanny. That is not what I want. That is not what I deserve. I love you. And I would make an excellent wife. If you are not ready, I understand. I never expected that you would be. You are completely right. It is too soon to make lifelong decisions. But I can’t move my sisters across the country on a maybe.”

He dropped his hands and paced in the kitchen. “So what? You are breaking up with me? After I opened up to you? Trusted you with my daughter? After I fell in love with you?”

“You trusted me with your daughter before you opened up to me. You hired me as your nanny, remember?”

“Look, I know you are scared, and I get that. This is a risk. But love is always a risk. And you are worth it to me. I’m not going anywhere. I just want to get through this year, figure out where I’ll be stationed, and then make some decisions. I’ve always been practical. And I want to make sure because Sky is involved.”

I wanted to scream, but I didn’t want to wake the girls. “Love isn’t rational! Love is passionate and messy and heart-wrenching. I already know I would do anything for you. And I want to know that you feel the same way about me. That I’m not just some runner up because your amazingly beautiful, perfect, classy wife who your mom adored died. I want to know that you love me just as much as I love you, if not more!”

And with that, I knew I had gone too far. But I didn’t for a second regret the words that came out of my mouth. I meant every one. 

“I can’t give you what you want right now. You have no idea what it’s like to have your whole world ripped away from you. My feelings for my wife have nothing to do with my feelings for you. I wish you could understand that.”

“I do understand that. And no, I have no idea what that’s like. But I do know what it’s like to have nothing. Because my entire life has been nothing. Until you. And Sky. And I want this so badly that my heart is in knots. I need you. But I need you to need me to.”

“Of course I need you. You know that. You are everything. You are beautiful, kind, sexy, loving. I’m not ready to propose to you today.”

“I understand that. I fully get that you need more time. But we are out of time. Long distance will never work between us because we will never see each other with your travel schedule. And I can’t move in with you until we are engaged.”

And that was it. I had pushed the issue, and he had given me an answer. An answer that I didn’t want to hear but at least it was honest. 

“The girls and I are moving to San Diego tomorrow. I’m buying a car, and we will be gone. My mom has agreed to terminate her parental rights.”

He shook his head. “So that’s it? After everything we have been through you are just shutting me out?”

“Yup. That’s it. This will never work. We are too different. Like your mom said, I don’t want to ruin your chances.”

He shot me a pointed glared. “That’s so unfair. I never said that, nor do I think that. I don’t bring your mom up.”

He was right. That was dirty. But I didn’t care. I was mad and lashing out. I had just given up the only man I had loved. “I’m sorry. But it’s true. You deserve someone like Catherine. Not me.”

He walked over to me and held me, and I didn’t push him away. “But I want you.”

I want you too. “We can’t always have what we want.”

“What about Sky? She loves you.”

And that broke me. I pictured her smiling face every time I picked her up out of the crib in the morning. “I love her too. But I don’t want to be her nanny anymore. I want to be her mom.”