TWENTY
Before going to Theo’s to help pack, I spent a few hours with Margie and Dad. Margie made a load of pancakes, some scrambled eggs, and even bacon. I ate two of the pancakes and some eggs, and when I was almost finished, Sterling walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes.
He walked to his mom and told her good morning as he kissed her on the cheek. She smiled, asking if he wanted her to make him a plate. “Sure, Ma. That’d be great.”
I figured he’d sit at the counter with Dad who was reading the newspaper, but instead, he came to the dining table, picking up the carafe of fresh coffee and pouring himself a mug. After mixing in some sugar and Bailey’s Irish creamer—the same way I loved my coffee—he sat across from me, taking a long sip.
“Morning,” he said when he placed his brown mug down.
“Good morning.” I finished my slice of bacon, looking him over thoroughly. There were small bags beneath his eyes, his lids droopy. “You look like you haven’t slept in days.”
His brows shifted, and he fought a smile. “Long night.”
“Doing what?”
He didn’t respond right away. He took another sip of coffee first. “Catching up on a lot of files. Organizing music sheets… stuff like that.”
“Oh.”
He nodded, and Margie walked over, making it easy for the conversation to end. I picked up my empty plate and went to the sink to wash it. Of course, I felt the same familiar gaze on my back.
God, why did he always watch me?
Turning, I kissed Dad on the cheek and then I walked through the mouth of the kitchen, purposely avoiding Sterling’s line of sight. I jogged upstairs and changed into one of my less appealing one-piece bathing suits, grabbed my goggles and a towel, and hurried back downstairs. I had to pass the kitchen to get to the deck, so I walked by with the towel around my waist. Thirty minutes had surely passed me by. I was good for a few laps.
“Going for a swim, Margie. Let me know if you need me.”
“Take your time, sweetheart.” Her voice was lighter. Cheerier. She was pleased about her weird son being around. I guess I didn’t need to ruin that. Maybe he was being weird and watching me because he didn’t trust me. Perhaps I scared him when I barged in that first day, causing him to lose all trust and safety in our home. Maybe this creeper approach of his was a way to keep his guard up, protect himself.
I rolled it off my shoulders, the bottoms of my feet landing on the warm, polished wood of the deck. I dropped my towel on one of the lounge chairs and went straight into swimming. I did three quick laps. I thought I heard the slam of a door, but I ignored it, assuming it was the neighbors.
When I surfaced, gripping the gravelly cement edge of the pool, I was so wrong. Standing right above me was Sterling, glowering right at me. I leaped back, water splashing with my startled reaction. “What the hell are you doing?” I lowered my upper half in the water, as if it would conceal my breasts. It didn’t do much. Clear water, and all.
“Nice day. Thought I’d take a swim too.”
“Um…” I paused, moving back, glad the water covered at least some of my frame. “I was just about to get out.”
“No, you weren’t.” His face was straight. “You normally swim eight laps, right? You have five more to go.”
Okay. Yeah. He was really, really starting to creep me the fuck out. I pulled out of the water as he jumped in, hiking towards my towel and snatching it up to cover myself as quickly as possible. “Why are you such a fucking weirdo,” I muttered with my back to him and yanking off my goggles.
“I didn’t realize I was bothering you so much.” He looked at me beneath furrowed brows.
“Yeah,” I scoffed. “You really are.”
“Well, you know what bothered me?”
I turned when his deep voice got louder. “I don’t really care.”
He went on. “I wasn’t up grading papers, you know? It was just really fucking hard to sleep with people talking and doing things they shouldn’t have been doing so late at night.” He dropped his arms in the water, starting a thoughtless float. “So, who was it that snuck through your window last night, Chloe?” My eyes expanded like never before. I stilled, staring down at the creep as my heart slammed in my chest. He continued. “I heard you two arguing… saw him leave about an hour later and go into the house across the street. Saw him this morning too, expecting a young boy but was definitely mistaken and surprised by who I saw. Older man?” He smirked, brow piqued. “I knew there was something different about you. Is that what you like?”
“What?” I said, my voice a gasp and a whisper. “Why were you even listening? Most people pretend things like that don’t happen.” More proof he was possibly a psycho with mommy issues.
He lifted his hands in the air innocently. “Kinda hard not to when I could hear everything. Including the noises of pleasure.” He shuddered a little, as if a vivid image of Theo and me crossed his mind. I wanted to shudder too, die from complete embarrassment. “You’re lucky my mom slept downstairs and your dad was drugged up in his bedroom. Just saying.” He sank under the water and swam to the other end. When he came back up, I started to ask him what else he heard, but he went back under in the same amount of time, purposely ignoring me. He obviously didn’t want to speak on it anymore, but it wasn’t okay with me. He… heard me. Oh, God, he heard me. I needed to know what all he heard.
I huffed as I watched him swim back and forth without much need for air, and then I rushed to the door, yanking it open and storming through the kitchen. Dad and Margie were no longer there.
I wanted to tell Margie that Sterling couldn’t stay here anymore, that he needed to be in a hotel, but she would have hated me for it. The last thing I wanted was to get on her bad side. It seemed hard to get on her bad side. She was too nice, and somewhat of a pushover, but something told me she didn’t mess around when it came to her son.
I zoomed upstairs and into my bedroom, shutting and locking my door behind me. My phone was ringing on my bed, and I sped for it, momentarily putting the thought of Sterling’s eavesdropping behind me.
Izzy’s name appeared on the screen, and surprisingly, I was relieved to see her calling. I answered without a moment of hesitation. “Hey Izzy! Busy?”
“No. Chlo! Just going with the flow.”
I laughed. That was our greeting. Something we picked up when we had finally gotten cellphones at fourteen. “What’s up? How’s summer school going?”
“It fucking sucks. I need a damn break already.”
“It hasn’t even been that long!” I laughed.
“Yeah, but… ugh, who cares? This is so pointless.” She groaned. “I regret partying so hard now.”
“Well, that’s what happens, kiddo.”
“So, how are things? How’s your dad?”
“He’s… taking it day by day. He has his days where I just want to break something, maybe punch a hole in my wall out of frustration, but he’s fine. I think the new meds are helping. He seems to have more better days than bad ones now.”
“Oh. Good. That’s awesome.”
“But there’s this one fucking problem…”
She gasped, ready to indulge in my drama. That was a first. She must have been really, really bored. “What?”
“My caregiver, the sweet, amazing woman I told you about?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Well, her son is staying here for a few days. Honestly, he’s really hot, but Izzy, he’s a freak. He scares the shit out of me, I swear.”
“I stopped listening after you said he was hot,” she teased. “Hold on, how is he a freak? What has he done to you? Do I need to bash his junk in?”
“Nah, he hasn’t touched me or anything, but since he’s been here, he’s been watching me do my laps in the pool. I’ll see the guestroom window wide open and he’ll be standing there, just watching me. Then, today, when I was doing my laps, he just popped up at the edge of the pool. It scared the shit out of me.”
“Seriously? Oh my gosh, he sounds fucking craaazzzy!” She sang the last word.
“I’m starting to think some psychological issues make him that way. But that’s not even the freaky part.” I sat down on the edge of my computer chair. “He said he wanted to join me on the swim, and I told him I was just getting out. Then, he said I wasn’t, that I had five more laps to go. I had only done three laps. I normally do eight, but isn’t it weird that he knows that? He’s too observant. Fucking weird.”
“Wow… Chloe, you better high tail it like hell. Tell my dad!” she giggled. “He’ll set him straight.”
I started to laugh until she mentioned Theo. I forced one just to pretend nothing had shifted, but I felt the shift deep inside me. My face turned sullen as I peered up at my window with the knowing he was only one house away, my chipper mood quickly seeping through the cracks. A heavy, remorseful feeling replaced it. I stopped smiling. “Right,” I breathed, still forcing my laugh.
“Well, I just wanted to check in. I hope Papa Knight doesn’t cause too much hell. And if that freak tries to lay a hand on you, let me know! I’ll come straight to Bristle Wave and drown him in that pool.”
“You’re wild, Izzy. Text me later.”
“Alright, chick. Will do.”
I dropped my phone, running my fingers across my face before raking them through my damp, mangled curls. I couldn’t think too much. Like Theo said, don’t think, but shit, it was damn hard not to feel the bad.
I dropped my towel and entered my bathroom, hitting the shower and then stepping out, drying off and checking the mirror. I wasn’t quite sure what time Theo needed me to come over and help him, but it was still early. I was ready to see him again, but I decided to take care of myself.
I plucked my brows with the tweezers on top of the porcelain bowl, wincing with each deep-rooted tug. I then shaved my legs, under my arms, and… down there. After all, a girl needed to be renewed after such a perfect night.
After taking care of specific feminine needs, I went to my closet, dressing in a black pair of spandex pants, a camisole, and a pair of sneakers. I wasn’t sure what all he would need packed or how much moving he planned on doing in and out of the house, so dressing comfortably was best.
Too eager, but still holding onto my patience, I walked to my window, looking out for the first time today. The eagerness I carried quickly vanished. There was a familiar car in the driveway, a white Honda, and my heart sunk as well as my excitement. That was… that was her car. Trixie. What in the hell was her car doing there and how long had it been there?
I figured only one person would know the answer to that question, so I scampered downstairs, doing my best to control my fury. After all, it could have been a simple coincidence. Sterling walked into the kitchen with a towel hung behind his neck and over his shoulders. He used the ends to clear his ears, and then he looked at me, watching as I hurried in his direction.
“You said you saw him leave last night,” I murmured, getting way too close for comfort. But I didn’t care. I needed answers. “You saw him… was that car in his driveway all night long?”
“What? The white one?”
“Yes.”
He looked me over, confused. “I think so. Pink rims, right?”
My heart nearly stopped beating. “Yes.” Oh, God. She had been there all night. But where was he? I left Sterling standing in the kitchen with a perplexed expression and a sarcastic “You’re welcome!” trailing after me.
I was in a haste to get upstairs. I walked into my bedroom and called Theo right away. My blood reached boiling point. How could he say he loved me only the night before but have her there waiting for him? There had to be a reason for this, but nothing seemed to add up other than him still wanting her around, perhaps to keep him company when I went away for school. The line of my eyes thickened as the phone rang and rang. He didn’t answer.
I called again, moving towards my window to look out, and as I did, I saw Trixie walking out the front door, blowing a kiss before shutting it behind her. Her keys dangled in her hand. She moved casually, hips swinging. Her hair wasn’t disheveled, which was a good sign, but it was still a bad thing that she was there at all.
Wasn’t she supposed to be in Vegas? Why the hell was she still around? He didn’t love her… he loved me… right? Too many questions. Too many irrational thoughts.
I watched the skank pull out of the driveway, but what made my heart ache deep in my chest was when she pulled out and looked up, right at my window, as if she knew I was watching.
And, I couldn’t believe it, but the bitch waved at me, twinkling her fingers as if she were superior. She pulled off, her body shaking with laughter before exiting Primrose. My body shook violently, hands curled into fists. I breathed evenly through my nostrils. I was usually the calm girl, the one that never got too upset, but this? This had gone too far.
Theo Black had a lot of explaining to do, and I was going to figure everything out. Right. Fucking. Now.
I took the staircase with a trail of fire behind me, one that Sterling backed away from as soon as he saw me storming down. He didn’t say anything. He still looked confused and slightly worried, but he stayed away, afraid of getting burned.
Out the front door I went, fuming as I crossed the street and went up Theo’s driveway to get to his two-story house on the hill. I didn’t bother knocking or ringing the doorbell. I barged right in, slamming the door shut behind me.
He appeared around the corner, brows stitched. “Chloe, I was just about to call you when I found—”
“No, Theo.” My voice dripped with the red I carried deep inside. Pointing and standing square in front of him, I asked, “Why did Trixie just leave your house? How long has she been here?”
Theo held his hands up, silently begging me to calm down. “That’s what I wanted to call you about. I just can’t find my fucking phone. Bitch hid it somewhere so I couldn’t call you.”
I scoffed, shoving a hand onto my waist. “Do you really expect me to believe that?” I looked around the kitchen before looking behind me. I spotted his cellphone sitting right on top of the glass table beside the door. I went for it, snatched it up, and shoved it into his hands. He looked down at it as if he was staring at the devil himself.
“What the fuck—no, Chloe, she put it there before she left. I looked everywhere for it! She had it! You have to believe me!”
My head shook, tears threatening to spill, but I kept it together. “So much for feeling everything.”
I twisted around and made sure I was out of his house before he could come after. Normally, he wouldn’t chase after me, but this time, he did. He hurried out, shouting my name, and before I could hit the main street, he gripped my elbow, picked me up, tossed me over his shoulder, and then walked back for his house.
His body was hard, but I pounded and kicked, begging him to put me down. I knew he wouldn’t. He no longer cared. There were neighbors out, all of them watching, flooding me with embarrassment.
I hated him. So much.
When he was inside the house, he placed me on the rug in his living room, and I immediately shoved him with my hands as soon as I was free. The tears had surely left me, trailing down flared cheeks. “You’re a liar, Theo! That’s all you are! A liar!” He flinched, but I knew I wasn’t hurting him with my actions. I was killing him with my words. “You know how I feel about you,” my voice cracked. “You know how much I love you, and you used that against me! I can’t even stand to look at you! What am I to you? Huh? Just a quick lay? Easy pussy for the summer?”
My voice thickened, filled with a blistering heap of emotions. I hit him again and again, pounding, wanting to hurt him like he’d hurt me. He didn’t speak, and it only increased my anger. I went in for one last blow with both hands, but he caught my wrists and a deep grunt filled the room as he crushed me against his large body.
My fighting didn’t stop. It was weak and lame, but I didn’t stop. “I hate you,” I whispered. “I swear. I hate how you make me feel.”
“You don’t mean that,” he murmured. His voice broke, cutting my heart up in a thousand ways. “You don’t fucking mean that shit.” He lifted my head, and when I didn’t focus on his face, he gripped it in his hands, forcing me to look at him. “Come on, Chloe, you know me! You fucking know me! I wouldn’t lie to you! Trixie saw me last night—she saw me climbing through your window. She waited for me to get home—said she found a better job in LA and wasn’t going to Vegas—but she saw me. She is going to use this shit against me. She fucking threatened to go over and tell you, but I didn’t want you to hear it from her. I wanted you to hear it from me—the truth. I’m a forty-two year old man. I have no fucking reason to lie to you. Those days when I used to play mind games with girls are over. A real man stands up to his demons. Trust me, baby,” he murmured, swiping one of my tears away. “I’m not lying to you. I would never lie to you.”
My sniffles calmed as his voice hummed through me, the tears slowly drying. What the hell? Was he serious?
“Look, I told her about you once before, and she remembered. She knows what you are to me… to Izzy. She has Izzy’s number. She said she’d call her, Chloe. Fucking Izzy. She said she’d tell her everything. I fucking panicked, and I knew if I kicked her out, she’d call first thing and fuck up everything.”
“W-what?” I gasped then jerked away, not because I didn’t believe him, but because this was bad. Really bad.
“Wait—why would she threaten you? She wants you back?”
He didn’t answer. He didn’t need to. The drop of his head and how it hung in shame was proof enough.
“Theo, oh my God,” I swiped my face. “This cannot be happening right now!”
“I was trying to tell you. She knows… she knows everything. She stayed last night, but I didn’t sleep with her. I got her drunk and let her pass out on the couch.” I could imagine it vividly. I was sure she tried to seduce him, touch him, and even offer to suck him off. She was a girl that thrived on sex. I despised her existence. “I thought I could get into her phone, delete Izzy’s number, but it’s locked.” He scratched his head out of nervous habit. “I tried, Chloe. I swear I did, but until I get that number deleted or get her to leave me alone, I have to keep seeing her.”
“Theo, no.” I placed my hands on his shoulders, looking him in the eyes. “I’m sure she’s going to write it down as soon as she gets the chance. She may seem dumb, but I have a feeling she’s not. Why else would she threaten to snitch? She’s gonna need a backup plan.”
“Shit,” he hissed.
I looked down, battling tears again. Silence surrounded us, and when it occurred to me what we would have to do, I wanted to cry. “There’s… only one thing we can do.” I stole a peek at him, and as if he had the same thought, his face went stone cold. He hated the idea, but deep down, he knew I was right. “We have to tell Izzy.”
Theo stared at me for several seconds, then he walked past me, dropping on the sofa. “I—shit, we can’t do that.”
“What other choice do we have?” My voice was thick. I walked towards him, taking the spot on his left. “I’ve had this planned out in case she ever found out. I’ll tell her that it was my fault. That I tempted you, and we got carried away.”
He groaned, his face planted in his hands. “She’ll never believe that. She knows how you are and how much you value your relationship with her. She’ll know it was me.” He dropped his hands. “Fuck, man, I’ll lose her. I know I will. She won’t forgive me, and if she does, she’ll never look at me the same. She won’t trust me… she won’t come home.” He looked down, brown eyes glossy. “She’s all I have, man. Her and you. I can’t afford to lose both. Because I know if she finds out, I won’t just be losing her, I’ll be losing you too. You’ll regret it. You’ll hate yourself for ruining your friendship with her, and that’ll leave you no choice but to stay away from the person that intervened. Me. We can’t, Chloe.”
I watched his eyes and saw the loneliness within them. The gloom was clear. He knew we’d fucked up the moment we decided to touch each other. He knew his daughter, how stubborn she was. He also knew that she’d jump to conclusions about him, consider him a fuck-up husband to Mrs. Black because he had sex with me only six weeks after her death.
It wasn’t nearly enough time to heal. She’d blame him and tell him straight to his face that he was a coward that never loved his wife and was ready to move on. I knew because he told me she called him a pussy for not waiting for Mrs. Black after the bakery party. I knew Izzy just as well as I knew him. They were alike in ways, but when it came to acceptance, that was one trait Izzy was shy of.
She wouldn’t understand; she wouldn’t get it. She’d wonder about it for the rest of her life, most likely questioning our friendship. She’d try and say it was all bullshit, that I stuck around to get closer to Theo, but really it wasn’t. I loved Izzy, but I broke her heart three years ago, and she didn’t even know it.
“I’m so sorry for this mess,” Theo apologized. He grabbed my hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. I stared down at our fingers, the silver band that he never took off now missing from his ring finger. The tan mark was no longer there. It blended in with the rest of his olive skin. “Look, how about I cook you some dinner? We can talk about this.”
I dropped my head, and with a calmness that nowhere near justified all I was feeling, I stood, releasing his hand. “No, I think I should go. You know neither of us can think when we’re around each other. I’m nothing but a distraction for you.”
He shot to a stand as I backed away to the door. “Don’t say shit like that, Chloe.” He marched forward, clasping my face in his hands and forcing me to look at him. “Don’t say stupid shit to me—don’t say shit you don’t even believe. You aren’t a distraction. You have never been a distraction for me.”
“No? Then what am I?”
He released my face, watching my sullen eyes. “You are everything to me.” He blinked, his hands capping my shoulders. With his lips on my forehead, he whispered. “Everything. I love you. Never think twice about that.”
I swallowed thickly, but I allowed him to hold me. Why? Because I really needed to be held. Yes, we needed to talk this through, but it couldn’t happen in that moment. In that moment, I was vulnerable, and all of my emotions had been put on display. I needed space—time to myself. I needed it to be just me.
So I left Theo with a swift kiss on the lips and then the cheek, and he watched me walk across the street and into my house. As I shut the door behind me, my eyes flashed to Sterling who was sitting on the sofa, flipping channels with the TV remote. When he saw it was me walking through the door, he perked up, asking, “What in the hell was that about?”
I ignored him, slightly rolling my eyes as I made my way up the staircase. My door slammed, and I flopped on my bed, face-first. The cool sheets smothered the visible shame, and unfortunately, I could still breathe.
I didn’t deserve to breathe.
I didn’t deserve this shitty lifestyle.
I didn’t deserve to hide, suffer, or cry.
I deserved to be Chloe Knight.
Happy, carefree, and not so… guilty.