CHAPTER ELEVEN
Nadya
“Are you still alive?” Lucy asked me with humor in her tone as soon as I hit the answer button. It was the afternoon after the big guy had left. I wasn’t used to someone worrying about me and I couldn’t help but to smile, thinking that it was sweet. Completely unnecessary, but sweet nonetheless.
“Did you really think otherwise?” I snorted.
“True. It is you, after all.” She laughed. “Well, what the hell happened?!”
“He slept. I watched. Then I made eggs. He ate. Then he left.” I knew this wouldn’t be enough information to satisfy her, and I couldn’t help but chuckle at the aggravated growl that escaped her.
“That’s it? Come on, there has to be more. Give me something. I live in the dark, here, I need something to live vicariously through,” she almost whined.
“Seriously, that was it. Less than five words were exchanged,” I said, pausing for a moment. “Okay, maybe a few more than five. It was weird and awkward, to put it mildly.”
“You didn’t press for more?”
“Why would I? I needed him gone as soon as possible.”
There was a long moment of silence, and I could tell she was contemplating telling me something. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to know what she was going to say. But what I was sure of was that she knew a hell of a lot more than I probably wanted to know. My targets needed to stay just that—targets—with no life and no goals. Nothing that could make them human to me.
But even as I tried to harden myself, I knew this guy was anything but just a simple job. That was my own fault. I somehow had not taken him out the moment I knew he was there. I’d let him go on. I’d watched him. I’d taken in his every move. And even when he was right in front of me, served up on a fucking silver platter, I didn’t make a move. I pushed away all the questions that surrounded the whole thing the best I could. But they kept popping back up.
I remembered the look in his eyes. The hopelessness. The broken glint that didn’t shine. I wanted to know why this beautiful man felt like he had no way but down to go. I wanted to dig inside and find the root of what had broken him. I wanted to know why he had burn marks and how much of his body was covered with scars.
“Something doesn’t feel right,” I found myself saying in almost a whisper. I didn’t really mean to say that out loud but there was no taking it back.
“Yeah?” Lucy said a bit hopeful. I knew by that tone she agreed with me, though she would never tell me that outright.
“Fuck! This is not good,” I gritted out as I flopped down onto my bed.
His scent filled the air around me. Being so lost in my head, I had temporarily forgotten that he’d spent the night tossing and turning in the spot I was currently splayed out on. It was a mix of day-old man and a sweet scent of cedar. For some strange reason, I found the combination oddly intoxicating.
“What the hell are you doing? Are you smelling something?” she screeched in my ear. I’d completely forgotten that I had the phone pressed against my ear and that she was on the other end. Yes, I was smelling my pillow. I was taking in the scent like it held some sort of answers.
“No!” I snapped defensively. Even though we’d never been around each other in person, I had an idea that she knew me well enough to know I was lying. No matter how hard I tried to keep myself impassive around her, I couldn’t. She was my outlet, the one person I could let my hair down around. As much as I hated being vulnerable to anyone, I loved that I had her. “How’s it going with lover boy?” I asked, changing the subject as I jumped up and moved away from the overwhelming scent left behind by the big guy. The chair, yeah, that was a better place to be.
I may not have known a lot about what she did, but I knew that she had this guy that she often helped out. See, with all her screens she had eyes practically everywhere. Well, everywhere that mattered in our dark world. She kept watch over the outlaws. I didn’t know which ones and I never asked. I knew some various groups, but for the most part, I kept my nose out of anything that wasn’t in my world. And my world was killer for hire. I knew my main competitions and the up and coming.
But Lucy, she kept watch on everything. And she had this one guy, whose name I didn’t know, that she helped out. When she got a whiff that something was going down that pertained to his business, she would call him and give him a heads up. She would disguise her voice and always blocked her number. She was an amazing hacker and when she called him she somehow made it say something different every time. It was always cute or catchy so he would know it was her that was calling. And from what I’d heard, he’d never once missed her call. She’d only told me because she needed someone to talk to. Even if she wouldn’t admit it, she was a hopeless romantic deep in her heart. Maybe that was why we worked because I was the complete opposite.
Anyway, she for some reason got drunk one night, courtesy of the pizza delivery boy that she bribed to bring her a bottle of wine with her pepperoni and spinach pie; and told me everything. She needed an outlet and I was happy to be that. She confessed that she had been watching this guy, who she never gave a name for. She, for some strange reason, had seen the good in him and decided to help him out. Through her short conversations with him, she’d learned a few things about him and found herself in deep with the feelings towards this guy. But I couldn’t figure out why.
Maybe it was that I never knew, or cared to know, anything about love. I lived my life on the move and never stopped long enough to care about anyone who’d briefly passed through my life.
“Things have been crazy,” she said. “I think something big is coming.”
“Hmmm.” I didn’t push for more. I left it open for her to tell me if she wanted.
“Anyway. This last time he asked me to stay on the phone with him.”
“Yeah, and?” I said, urging her to keep going.
“Well, I tried. I really did. But after about three minutes I freaked out and hung up.” She groaned and I could hear a thump of what I imagined was her hitting her head on her desk in frustration and embarrassment.
I softly laughed as I cradled the phone between my ear and shoulder. I reached down the side of the chair and pulled out the handgun that I had stored there. Believe me when I tell you it was just one of many hidden around my place. I began to disassemble and reassembling it as I carried on the conversation with Lucy. It was like second nature at that point and the repetition calmed me.
“So, what are you going to do then?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” she groaned. “I just feel so stupid sometimes. I used to be good with people. I could actually carry on a conversation. And now…”
I resisted the urge to point out that she had sort of done it to herself. Not that I didn’t think that she had some legitimate mental issues when it came to leaving her apartment. I understood that it was a real thing. But I also knew that she hadn’t always been that way. She sometimes alluded to a life before this. A so-called normal one, where she had amazing parents, a huge house, and was head of the cheer squad or some shit. Stuff that I never understood.
And because I was always the skeptic and always looking for what angle everyone had, I opened my mouth and voiced my thoughts.
“What do you think was the point of it?” My voice was monotone.
“Huh?” she asked a little caught off guard.
“Why do you think that all of a sudden he wanted to get you talking?” My hand froze midair as all the scenarios and reasons played in my mind.
“Wha- No… I don’t think—” She stopped talking and I felt a tiny bit bad that I’d dampened her little happy moment. She obviously wasn’t even thinking there was a deeper reason for it. I had a feeling she was in some giddy world where she was just plain hoping that he wanted to talk to her and get to know her. I opened my mouth to apologize—something I didn’t do often—when she spoke again. “Looks like your guy is up and moving.”
I set my phone down and put her on speaker as I pulled up the cameras in the house. After he’d left my place, he went home, had what looked like a small break down, and then passed out on the couch in his usual spot. I had been checking on him off and on again but the day was pretty much a bore.
I scrolled through until I found the right camera. He shuffled around, moving towards the kitchen and heading straight for the coffee maker. His movements were slow as he readied the filter and added the water. I found myself slightly surprised. I figured I would have found him with a bottle of Jack in one hand.
“Is he making coffee?” Her voice shocked me through the speaker. I had almost forgotten that I had her on the phone, again.
“Looks like,” I said as if it wasn’t a big deal. My voice didn’t hold the same surprise that hers did. But something inside me warmed at the fact that he was doing something different from the routine I’d seen. He wasn’t automatically waking and reaching for whatever bottle was the closest that had something still left in it.
He hit the start button then rested his hands on the edge of the counter. He didn’t move and his gaze was locked straight ahead out the window that was over the sink. I squinted at the screen trying to figure out what he was looking at. Unfortunately, the angle was all wrong and I couldn’t see much past the wrap around porch.
“What’s he doing?” she asked, trying to figure out the same thing I was.
Sometimes it was actually nice that she could see what I could. However, this job had been like no other. I couldn’t pinpoint why, though. I watched him as he stood, unmoving, and I wished I had a shot of him from the front. I wanted to see his face. I wanted to see his expression. More than all that, I wanted to be inside his head and know what he was thinking about. But I could tell from his slumped shoulders and slow breaths that he was clearly lost in whatever thought held him captive at that moment.
Then it hit me like a sharp knife in between my ribs. I had watched people before. I’d seen their most hidden moments. I had invaded their lives without them even knowing. But this time it felt wrong. I almost hated myself as the seconds ticked by and I kept my eyes glued to the screen.
His head shook and he leaned closer to the window. He brought his hand up and rubbed it over his beard on the side that had the lighter spots on it. I realized then that he was looking at his own reflection in the glass. I wondered if he saw the same thing I saw. Beneath all that hair was a beautiful man and I longed to know what he was like before all the heaviness of what he’d been through weighed him down.
I found myself imagining what he would look like when he smiled and how his full bottom lip of his would pull. Would he give a half smile, with one side of his mouth tipping up more than the other? Or would it be a full-on, face splitting, teeth showing smile? What would he sound like if he laughed? I bet it would be deep and loud. I imagined he would toss his head back as he bellowed to the sky and the rough rumbling sound would vibrate through the air.
But that was all just crazy thoughts. Really, really crazy. Because I didn’t care and I didn’t need to see or hear the answers to any of those questions. I had no right wondering about such things.
“What happened to you?” I whispered without realizing it.
“I’m here.” Lucy’s voice snapped me back to reality. “But you weren’t talking to me, where you?”
I swallowed hard and brought my mask back down. This was a job and I was getting really irritated that I felt like I kept having to remind myself of that.
“Don’t you have some other people to watch,” I said trying to sound playful. Instead, it came out more of a bark.
“Yep, sure. I’ll leave you alone with your stalker porn,” she said brushing off my harshness and I loved her for that. “Call me if you need anything.” Then she was gone.
The rest of the day was uneventful. He drank his coffee and even opened a few windows. But hours later, he was back to drowning his demons or whatever it was that plagued his mind. He passed out sometime right after the sun went down.
I almost wished that it was my night to work because I really could have used the distraction. I was sure that if I had something to do I wouldn’t have spent nearly five hours with my nose practically touching my phone screen. Even the two times it screamed at me that my battery was going to die, I didn’t stop. I just simply plugged it in and carried on.
I took a shower trying to wash away the dirty feeling I had crawling just under the surface of my skin. I read, hoping it would carry my mind in a different direction.
But when I finally crawled into my bed, and his scent filled the air around me, I gave in to all the questions my brain wanted answers to. And what it boiled down to, was that I wanted to know his story. I wanted to know everything. I couldn’t close the chapter on this job until I had the rest of the book.