CHAPTER FIVE
Tank
I had no idea why I was standing there or why I felt the need to torture myself, but as I stared at the rubble that used to be my house all I wanted to do was scream. All I could focus on in my head were the maybes and what-ifs. Like maybe my son isn’t dead. And what if he wasn’t in the house that night.
It didn’t help that they never found a body, and by that I mean, that there was no way they could have. Between the explosion and the fire, there was simply no way to know. And while in my head knew there was no logical way that Logan could still be alive, my heart wanted to hold out hope. That was toying with me in the worst possible way. A ping-pong of emotions ran through me as my head tried to make up some sort of decision.
There was absolutely not a chance that he was still alive. He wasn’t one to get up and roam around at night. Once he was asleep, he was down for the count. He never got out of bed to pee or to find me. So while I replayed those last moments of me tucking him in bed after reading him a third story that night, I knew his lids were heavy and he was sound asleep before I even hit the landing for the first floor.
Even though there wasn’t a body, as Loch had informed me that morning before I’d left the hospital, they’d had a small ceremony while I was in a coma. They each got to say their goodbyes as they buried an empty box in the MC graveyard in the far corner of the compound. His spot right next to my father’s, from what I’d been told. I hadn’t been able to go back there, had yet to say my own goodbye to my son because I just fucking couldn’t.
There was nothing left, I thought as I stared out at the debris that lined my vision. Nothing. That was how I felt on the inside, too. It was like everything had been taken away. I couldn’t even have a reminder of my son, not his favorite stuffed animal, or book, or hell, even his favorite shirt. It was all gone, just like him.
“Which one of them told you I was here?” I asked not moving my eyes off of the empty mess in front of me to look at my mom, who was now standing beside me.
“Diesel,” she whispered and if I wasn’t mistaken she sounded like she was trying not to cry.
“Of course.” I steeled my eyes so as not to cut them over in the direction of his house, only five down from mine. A thing that at one time I loved. I liked knowing that he and Ellie were just a hop, skip, and a jump away. I liked that we could look out for each other. But now, everything was different.
I was here to take one last look at my past, at the thing that had wrecked me so far beyond repair that I didn’t even want to be around my mom. And I knew she was here to stop me, to beg me to stay.
“Noah, please.” And there it was. “Logan is…” Her words trailed off but I knew what she was going to say. “Darcy is gone.”
Yes, because while I was in a coma in the hospital, my older sister got to do the very thing that I was trying to do at that moment. Apparently, she took everything hard and called my mother one morning. All Darcy had said was that she was leaving for a while and not to worry. Then, as my mother explained, took off without her car or her phone. She’d been gone almost the amount of time I’d been in a coma.
“I’m not saying it’s forever.” Even as those words left my mouth I knew I was avoiding, because I had no plan in my thoughts that I would return. I had made up my mind and I had no intention of coming back. I figured if I broke her heart slowly over time that it was better than to stand there and rip the damn thing out of her chest.
She wrapped her arms around me and cried like only a mother could. But I knew that this time she wasn’t trying to guilt trip me. I understood that she felt gutted but I still had to do what I needed to do. So, with nothing else to say, I hugged her tightly and let her cry for a good long while. Then I untangled myself from her and headed for my truck, which somehow had escaped any major damage from the explosion. At the time I was thankful for that because my bike was currently somewhere under the rubble in my backyard.
Walking into the clubhouse for the first time since everything happened was weird. A feeling I’d never had before. This place usually felt like a second home and now I felt nothing but a sickening pit in my stomach as I walked through the front doors. I thought about not even stopping by, but seeing as my clothes and anything I had in my house was currently nothing but ash and dust, I had no other choice. A man needed clothes, right? And unlucky for me, there was a gang of brothers between me and my room. The fact that the moment I walked through those doors the place went dead silent, wasn’t lost on me. The place was never quiet.
With heavy steps, I made my way past the bar. My hair was still dirty and I didn’t even bother pushing it out of my face. That was one thing I always hated. I couldn’t stand having my sight hindered in any way, that was why I had always given my mom hell for the way she cut it. But every time we argued about it, she won in the end and got her way. I felt like I used to spend half the day pushing that shit back off my eyes, only to have it out of my way for mere seconds before it flopped froward again. Now the long strands provided the cover I needed. As much as I didn’t want to come here, it had to be done.
I passed several brothers in silence, not even letting my gaze shift from the spot I was headed towards. None of them said a word as I walked by them. My mind was made up, so it didn’t matter what they had to say anyway.
Once the door to my room was closed behind me, I let out a long, heavy breath. I had to admit I was torn. These people had been there for me all of my life, and being that I practically grew up in this very compound, they had seen the most embarrassing and worst things. Still, with all that, they had stuck by me. They had helped me grow into the person I was…or had been, rather.
The old timers had been there when I took my first steps. Then when my dad, their brother, died they stopped everything and made sure my mom and sisters were taken care of. They made sure we had food to eat and made it to school on time when my mom was too grief-stricken to get out of bed. Then as I got older and eventually took my own patch, they were there when I was left with an infant all on my own.
As much as I wanted to turn my back and let the anger burn through me, I couldn’t. But that didn’t change the fact that I was leaving. And now that I had two bags packed full of clothes and toiletries, it was time.
I opened my door only to come face to face with Loch, the club’s VP. By the hard look on his face, I could tell he knew. So without a single word, I attempted to push past him.
“Church, now,” he said in a tone so eerie it made me pause.
And for some reason, with my bags still clenched tight in my hands, I shuffled down the hall and into the door that held the big meeting table. A place I thought I’d never set eyes on again. The very same table I’d sat at and kept my damn mouth shut and now I had been the one to pay the price.
With a heavy hand, I flung my bags next to the door and plopped down in my seat. I didn’t need to look around to see that the room was already full of everyone that needed to be there and that they all had been waiting for me. I knew what this was, it was a damn ambush and I was simply going to have to grit my teeth, show as much respect as I could muster, and get through it. But in the end, I knew my decision would still be the same. It was only their need to say their peace to make themselves feel better. I guessed I could at least give them that and let them think that they tried.
“I know this thing has gone to shit,” Cal started in and I felt my hand curl into a fist on the table. “I’m sorry that it happened to him. You know I loved that little boy, and so did everyone sittin’ here.”
Fuck you, old man.
The words clawed at my throat to get out, but I held back.
“We aren’t goin’ to take this lyin’ down, son.” Son? I wanted to laugh, I wasn’t his fucking son. “While you were out, we’ve been puttin’ together a plan. Savage is goin’ down, we are goin’ to war. We’ve been in contact with two other MCs that are in the same boat as we are. We have the numbers now, we just need a way in. That is what we’ve been workin’ on.” Cal paused and I could feel his eyes on me.
This wasn’t a normal meeting. No, this was one specifically meant for me. Only, I wasn’t biting.
I could feel the fire in my eyes as I raised my gaze to his. I sat tall, firmly seated in my decision. I wasn’t going to change my mind no matter what he, or anyone else, had to say. If he had made this choice months ago, I would have been behind him one hundred percent. Now, his words were just too late and I didn’t have one fuck left to give.
Did I want to take down Savage and get revenge for my son? Yes. I wanted to tear him apart with my bare hands. But would it change the outcome of that night? No, never. And that was what mattered in the end.
“We want you there, by our sides, when the time comes.” I didn’t miss how Cal’s words softened just a bit.
“I can’t,” I said. The words ‘I’m done’ on the tip of my tongue but for some reason, they didn’t make it any further than that.
“We’re so close, Tank.” This time it was Diesel who tried. I looked over at my brother, my friend.
“Close?” I barked as I shot up out of my seat. Yeah, I’d lost all of my calm and now the fucking beast was tearing to get out. “Close? Good for you. I sat here at this very table for months biting my tongue. Putting my fucking faith in my club and my leader even when I didn’t want to sit back and wait. Even when I knew no good would come out of it. We sat here and bent the fuck over while Savage shoved a pole up our asses. We took that shit without any kind of backbone. And the whole goddamn time I stood behind each and every one of your votes. Hell, I handed Savage the damn pole before I bent over for him. The fuck does that say about me, huh?”
My chest heaved and I paused, taking a good long stare at each one of them. It was clear from the look on their faces that I was overstepping and the shock was thick in the air. I’d never lashed out like this before. Truth was, I had never felt the need to.
“I put my faith in you. I fucking backed you,” I spat out, pinning Cal with a hard stare. To his credit, he didn’t back down, but I could see the regret and guilt swarming in his eyes. “And what did that get me? Nothing. I have nothing!” The built-up rage vibrated through my body and no amount of controlled breathing would stop it.
“Tank,” Loch said, moving to stand between Cal and myself.
“We need you, brother,” Diesel said from across the table.
With an eerie slowness, I turned my eyes to him. Why couldn’t he have just stayed out of it? I was already on a roll and I couldn’t stop all of the emotions that busted out of me.
“Not you. I can’t even look at you right now. One of my best fucking friends and it makes me sick to be around you,” I said almost hating myself as the words spewed out. But then again, maybe this was for the best. If I pushed them all away, then they would have no choice but to turn their backs on me. “You have everything I don’t, now. Fate. I can’t even stomach the thought of her. I hate that you have her. And that is fucking wrong, man. I get that. She’s just barely made her way into this world and I hate her. And the fucked up thing about it, she doesn’t deserve that. She’s innocent in it all.” It was true. I hated her, but I also hated that I felt that way.
The look of rage flashed in his eyes. I had never been on the receiving end of what he could do, but I’d seen it plenty of times. When he went dark it was bad and hard for him to come back from. But having him get this way towards me was for the fucking best. I narrowed my eyes at him almost egging him on. But then he took in a deep breath and his hard look was replaced with something much worse. A look I hated seeing on him or anyone. Pity. He may have had some idea of how I was feeling at that moment but I never wanted him to feel sorry for me because I didn’t deserve it. I was the one that stood by and let this happen to my son.
“Tank.” Cal’s voice caused my head snap to his direction.
“No. I’m done!”
And there they were, the words I’d wanted to say since I’d walked into the clubhouse. I didn’t regret them and I didn’t want to take them back because I meant them from the bottom of my now black heart.
I walked to the door, no intention of giving any of them a goodbye. I just wanted to be gone. Axe put his hand on my shoulder and I stopped to take a moment to look into his eyes.
“I get it.” By the look in his eyes, I knew he wasn’t about to try and stop me. Which was good, because I was so blinded by rage I would have fought my way out of that room, and I was a force to be reckoned with. I knew I would win against any one of them in the end. “Go find your trees,” he murmured before removing his hand from my shoulder and letting me go.
While it might have sounded like the weirdest fucking thing in the world to say to someone, I understood it. So with a firm nod, I moved past him, grabbed my bags, and walked out of the clubhouse without a single look back.
And that was how, a little over four hours later, I found myself parking in front of a cabin owned by the club, that was practically lost on the side of a mountain in Tennessee.