CHAPTER 10
ALI
I hold back my tears until I get out of the elevator.
It was all lies. Everything I told Chris.
I sit down on the closest bench and bury my head in my hands. How could I have let things go this far?
Hearing Chris say he was falling for me was amazing, and then I had to go and ruin it by telling him I felt nothing for him. Why, oh why did I do that? Of course, I have feelings for him! I’ve never adored anyone this much.
Because it’s true. In my short life, I’ve had a couple relationships, but they were nothing. I never had sex with those boys, and it was more along the lines of puppy love than anything else. By contrast, this was completely different. Being with Chris was like standing in the eye of a hurricane. I could only see him as my thoughts swirled and emotions flew. He had command over my body, brain, and heart … and now I’ve fucked it all up.
Because my ambition got crossed with love. After working so hard for so many years, I didn’t want to come this far to lose my chance at being a published author. All I had to do was keep my hormones in check, but look how that’s turned out. I’m absolutely miserable and about to collapse from heartbreak and stress.
With trembling hands, I pull out my phone and dial Darla’s number.
“Hello?” she chirps.
“Darla,” I say between sobs.
“Ali?” she says, alarm clear in her voice. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”
I take a shaky breath. “I messed up, Darla. Can we meet?”
“Of course,” she says immediately. “Come to my office right now. I’ll tell the guards to let you up.”
I thank her and blow my nose noisily. Darla’s office is only a few blocks away, so I walk there as quickly as I can, fighting back tears the entire time.
When I get to her office, I knock on the door, feeling more composed. But as soon as she answers, the tears come flooding back.
The petite redhead ushers me inside. “Ali, talk to me. What’s going on?”
I don’t even try to mince words.
“I slept with Chris.”
Darla looks confused. “Chris? Who’s that?”
“Chris Carmichael,” I say pitifully. “I slept with the CEO of the company that’s supposed to publish my book.”
Surprise and disbelief flitters across her face. “Oh, Ali. When did this happen?”
I bite my lip. “That first meeting we had. And then again when I brought the contract. And almost today.”
“Ali!” Darla gasps. “You didn’t!”
I shake my head sorrowfully.
“I did. It’s a major screw-up.”
Darla takes a deep breath.
“Okay. Well. What’s next, then? Did he say what this means about your book?”
I shrug miserably. “I don’t know. Carmichael Publishing has a strict interoffice dating policy. They might drop me.” I cry harder.
Darla rubs my back calmly. “Okay, just breathe. I’m going to give Jenny a call and see what’s going to happen next. You just keep breathing and try to calm down. You’re not their employee, so maybe the dating policy doesn’t apply to you. Besides, he’s the boss. So maybe this isn’t such a big deal?”
It just makes me cry harder, hunching over like a broken woman. Resolutely, Darla pulls her phone out and begins dialing. I hear a few “okays” and then she hangs up.
Darla sits back down next to me on the couch in her office. “All right. It’s not as bad as you think, Ali.”
I latch onto that. “Yeah?”
“They’re meeting with the board in two weeks to talk about the book, but they’re still going to work with you until then. Jenny thinks she’ll be able to convince them to let you stay on.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “That’s a good sign, right?”
Darla smiles. “It’s a good sign. Jenny is optimistic, and she’s also a senior editor there, so her word carries significant weight. But she also said something curious.”
I blink, my eyes watery.
“What?”
“She said you broke Chris’s heart.”
I sigh heavily. “I didn’t break anything except his ego.”
Darla tucks her flaming red hair behind her ears, shrugging. “Well, Jenny says he’s broken up about it. What did you say when you left?” she asks curiously.
“Um,” I mutter, gnawing on my lip. A sudden surge of guilt assaults me. “I basically told him he didn’t mean anything to me.”
“Oh, shit.” Darla looks like she’s trying not to laugh. “You and I both know that was a lie.”
I frown. “What? What are you talking about?”
Darla laughs dryly.
“Please, sweetheart. You’re like an open book. I can see it all over your face. You like him.” I try to school my features, which only makes Darla laugh more. “Oh, sweetie. You’ve got it bad. Take it from an old lady like me – I know it when I see it.”
I briefly consider banging my head against her desk. “Okay, but I don’t think Chris noticed. He basically told me he was falling in love with me, and I blew him off.”
Darla takes my hand. “You did break the poor guy’s heart.”
But I shake my head stubbornly.
“He’ll get over it. After all, he’s been with a lot of ladies. Women go in and out of his life all the time, and I’m not going to be any different.”
“Do you think that’s really true?” Darla asks, giving me a knowing look.
I get defensive.
“Listen, I had to protect myself. It’s hard enough to be taken seriously as a woman, let alone a woman who’s slept with her boss.”
Darla shakes her head, looking a bit like a red-haired Yoda, wrinkly and wise.
“The heart wants what it wants, Ali. If you want to be with Chris, we’ll figure it out.”
I sniffle, the tears coming back again. “That’s what he said, too. But… I don’t know. I’ve never had luck with relationships, and you know how this is my first big break! I didn’t want to throw everything away so fast!”
She gives me a measured look. “I get that, Ali. I really do. But I see it in your eyes. Don’t give up on your heart just because of your career.”
“I can’t, Darla. I can’t risk it. I’m sorry.”
She pulls me against her side in a tight hug. “I’m not asking you to. I’m just telling you to listen to your heart. Don’t close him out completely. If he gives you a shot at being together without consequences, will you consider giving him a try?”
I consider this. If Chris were any other guy, and we could date without it screwing up my chances of being a published author, would I go for it?
Of course, I would. Without even a second of hesitation.
“Okay,” I finally say. “If some miracle happens and he says we can date without it ruining my life and career, I’ll go out with him. But only under those conditions. I really do like him. A lot. If we can make it work, I want to.”
Darla smiles. “That’s my girl.”
We stay on the couch talking for a bit longer, but I should really be getting home.
“Thanks for being a friend, Darla. You’ve kind of gone above and beyond what an agent does today,” I say ruefully.
“No sweat sweetheart. Even if you weren’t my client, I’d still want to be your friend. You’re great, Ali. I’m always here for you,” she winks.
I wipe away one last tear and give her a big hug. “You’re the best. I’ll see you in two weeks when we learn my fate?”
“I wouldn’t miss it,” she says firmly. “And you’re gonna be fine, baby girl. Trust me.”
I hug her one last time before leaving the office. Normally, when I’m in the city, I like to walk around for a bit before heading home. But today, I feel so emotionally and physically drained that I decide against it. Instead, I head right to the train station and go home.
After exiting the station, I consider heading to my parents’ house, but I don’t want to worry them. I’m sure I look like a mess right now, which would give them a scare. Instead, I stop at the convenience store and pick up a pint of ice cream. Netflix is calling.
When I get home, I plan on flopping down on the couch with my laptop, ice cream, and a crappy movie. But when I open my laptop, my manuscript’s still there. Seeing it hurts for a second, and it takes me back to the scene today at Chris’s office. But then I read the paragraphs at issue, and I’m inspired to work on it. And with just a few tweaks, I’ve fixed the problem and made my story stronger. I throw my ice cream in the freezer and spend two hours working like a fiend on my book.
Chris and Jenny wanted more emotion, and they’re getting it. I channel all of my feelings from today into my manuscript. Without reading it through, I send the completed file to Darla for a go-over. I still feel stressed about what I did today, but knowing I got my rewrite to my agent on time helps me relax.
I pull the ice cream from the freezer and settle back onto the couch. The first movie on my recommended list is a romantic comedy I haven’t seen. I click play. I love a good rom-com. But this time, halfway through, my heart starts to hurt. The girl just left the guy for something stupid he did. And for the first time in my life, I actually empathize with the heroine. I had a love, and I lost him.
Before I know it, I’m crying again.
Chris looked so shattered when I spit lies in his face like it was nothing. It took a lot for him to open up to me about family, and to confess his love. And yet like some heartless monster, I stomped on his declaration like it meant nothing to me, even though it meant everything to me.
Darla’s right. I need to give him a chance.
I pull out my phone and carefully scroll through my contacts. Taking a deep breath, I type out a message to him. I’m sorry, Chris. I do care about you.
I hope he gets what I’m trying to say. That I want him to fight for us. That he needs to fight for us.
Suddenly, my phone pings.
Good to hear, he responds. And then nothing after that. Oh god, oh god, have I screwed up again? What does this mean?
I clutch my cell to my chest, hoping he cares about me enough to tell the board where they can shove their stupid dating rules. Because then maybe I can have my cake and eat it too.
The movie ends, but I don’t pay much attention to it. My mind is on Chris and the orgasm he gave me earlier, and the possibility of us being together sometime in the future.
Once the credits roll, I shut my laptop and get ready for bed. I fall asleep still thinking about the gorgeous alpha male. And in my dreams, we’re together. I’m a published author, and nothing stands in our way. We have a relationship that everyone knows about, and it doesn’t matter. I wish I could stay dreaming forever … but often, reality is much more harsh and inescapable.