CHAPTER 9
CHRIS
Oh shit. Things have gone south in a real bad way.
“Please don’t go,” I tell Ali. “I really like you.”
The beautiful brunette is practically shaking with anger. After all, I told her if anyone were to find out about us, it would threaten both of our careers. So what have we been doing? Why would we jeopardize what we’ve worked so hard for?
But it’s not the sex that’s the mistake. Doing it in secret was.
Because I’ve been thinking about it since I met Ali. I feel something for this woman. Something real, powerful, and profound. And it extends to more than the physical. I want to be with her, for real and not in secret anymore.
But the woman can’t hear me because she’s so angry.
“You like sex,” she says, fear and anger sharpening her tone. “I’ve read all about you. It’s like… it’s like you’re publishing my book in exchange for my time with you. I feel like a slut!” Tears swim in her eyes. “You’re paying me by publishing my book. I’m no better than a common whore.”
The words hit me like tangible projectiles. “That’s not true. Publishing your book has nothing to do with what we have.”
“Forgive me for not believing you. Every time we’ve been together, it’s always been about my book. Or at least at first, before we get carried away. Tell me, is that a coincidence? Or did you plan it all?”
I walk over to my desk and slam my fist down. “I would never pay a woman for sex. I would never publish someone’s book in exchange for anything, let alone sex. Sweetheart, my reputation’s on the line. Would I sacrifice that for a little pussy?”
She won’t meet my eyes. “Again, forgive me for not believing you,” Ali says in a brittle voice. “It’s a little far-fetched right now.”
But I shake my head.
“Trust me, I would never pay a woman for sex.” And then the moment comes. “My mother was a prostitute,” I say in a tight voice, the revelation practically killing me. “My father paid her for the opportunity to knock her up, and then she tossed me out after she gave birth. I’m basically an orphan.”
Ali’s face softens. “Chris, I didn’t ….”
“No. You didn’t. What part of what we’ve done has ever been like that? Your book and our relationship have nothing to do with one another. If you ever felt like I forced you…. Well, I never meant for it to be like that.”
Ali looks remorseful, and takes my hand. “No, you’re right. It wasn’t like that. You never forced me into anything. I wanted to have sex with you. I’m just… I’m freaked out, that’s all. Julie is probably out there telling everyone right now. If they didn’t already know. But now there’s an eye-witness account that they can use against us, and it’s terrifying. I knew getting published was too good to be true. I let myself get my hopes up.” Her voice cracks at the end.
“Ali, stop,” I say firmly. “I’m not going to let your book get tossed. I have influence over the board. I can change the rules. Like I said, this is my company and I call the shots.”
But the beautiful girl raises tear-filled eyes to look at me.
“Why haven’t you, then?” she asks softly. The girl pauses and licks her lips. “Did you ever care about me?”
I do, and that’s the problem. My feelings for her confuse the hell out of me. Because being with Ali is like being in the orbit of a supernova, and I need Ali to know, now more than ever.
“I care for you. A lot,” comes my low voice. The words are nothing compared to what swirls in my chest, but it’s a start.
She frowns. “You do?”
“I do. I’ll talk to the board, get them to change the rules or make an exception for us,” I growl.
Ali takes a step back. “I know you mean well, but it’s okay,” she says softly. “I don’t want you to sacrifice your career or reputation for me. Maybe Julie hasn’t told anyone. Maybe she won’t tell anyone.”
I run a hand through my hair, inexperienced with being open and expressing my feelings. “No, that’s not it,” I swallow, feeling vulnerable. “Being with you has been amazing, sweetheart. More than you can imagine. Even when we’re just having lunch together, it’s been better than anything I’ve ever had.”
She smiles wobbily. “You’ve been with a lot of girls. I’m not special.”
I’m suddenly afraid of losing her before I even have her.
“But you are,” I say fiercely. “I’ve been with a lot of women, but none of them have made me feel like you do. It’s always just been about sex with them. With you, it’s different.
“Well, we have had a lot of sex,” she says softly, flushing red.
“No,” I say fiercely once more. “It’s more than that. Way more. You mean something to me, sweetheart, and it goes beyond the physical. It goes beyond my cock or fingers in your pussy. It’s way more than that.” I reach for her, and when she doesn’t resist, I tug her to me. “I’m falling for you, and I want to be with you, sweetheart. Do you understand? Please help a poor soul like me.”
And before Ali can answer, my head drops to capture hers in a deep, passionate kiss. Because I need to show her how much I care through the stroke of our lips. But to my surprise, Ali pulls away gently, her caramel eyes filled with emotion.
“I’m sorry, Chris,” she says softly. My heart begins to crack, anticipating her words. And they come like a hammer on my dreams, smashing them to smithereens. “I can’t do this. My career means too much to me. You understand, right? I mean, you built this company up from the ground. You know what it feels like to want something so badly that you’d do anything to make it happen.”
“I know what that’s like,” I say fiercely. “I’ve poured my heart and soul into this business, and I would have done anything to make it successful. But I feel that way about you too. Together, we can be successful, me as a publisher and you as an author. I’ll talk to the board sweetheart. Please, just give me a chance to make this right.”
But Ali’s not listening, and she shakes her head slowly.
“No Chris,” she murmurs, smiling sadly. “It’s not necessary.”
It feels like she punched me in the gut. “It is!” I exclaim. God, I sound desperate. But that is actually what I am.
Unfortunately, the brunette’s on a different plane, and she shakes her head once more. “We can’t fix this. I just have to hope that ending things is enough to convince your board to keep my book in the upcoming catalog. I won’t jeopardize this, Chris. I can’t. I’ve worked too damn hard to get published, and I can’t risk it.”
I finally understand that I’m a fool for ever developing feelings for a woman. I feel like a balloon that’s been punctured and is slowly deflating. What the fuck? This is so fucking unreal. Usually, it’s me giving the send-off, and not the other way around.”
“So you don’t want to be with me,” are my harsh words.
“What?” she asks, confused. “Of course I do.”
My snort was sardonic. “I just poured my heart out, and you rejected me, sweetheart. What’s a man to think?”
“That’s not what I’m saying, Chris. I do like you.”
“If you ‘liked’ me, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation. You would let me try to fix it.”
Fuck, even I can tell our words are going nowhere. Nothing’s making sense anymore, and I can see it on her face.
“Fine,” Ali says, frustrated. “You’re right. I don’t care about you the way you care about me. I’m not ashamed of what we’ve done, but I don’t want it to leave this office. I don’t want to be with you out in the real world. That’s why I don’t want you to go to the board. I don’t want to risk it because I don’t want them to say we can date. And I don’t want to date you. There, are you happy now?”
Her words slice my insides raw. She’s the first woman I’ve ever had genuine feelings for, and yet she’s thrown them right back into my face, landing in a gloopy mess all over my cheeks and chin. Funny how the world works.
“Okay,” I growl, staring daggers at her. “Then I guess we’re finished here.”
Ali nods. “Can I fix my clothes please?”
I motion to the bathroom. She picks up her bra and panties from the floor and sails inside to make herself presentable.
Ali doesn’t take long to get her clothes on. She won’t even look at me when she returns.
“Goodbye, Chris,” she says in a brisk voice.
“I’ll walk you out.” Even though she just ripped out my heart, I still want more time with her. How fucked up is that? It’s like I’m a masochist for pain.
“Chris, come on,” she says impatiently. “Let’s not drag this out.”
I ignore her. We walk to the door, but I pause before opening it. “I’m really sorry about this Ms. Hartman. I meant everything I said.”
She turns to me then, brown eyes so trusting that I catch my breath.
“I know,” she says softly. “Me too.”
And the last remaining parts of my heart break at her words. Because she meant what she said. She doesn’t care about me, and I have to accept it and move on. I swallow what’s left of my dignity and open the door.
Every eye in the office is glued to Ali as she walks out. “Nothing to see here,” I growl like an angry bear.
Most of my employees avert their eyes, but some still linger with curiosity. I give the stragglers a hard look until their heads snap back forwards, intent on their computer screens.
And after she’s gone, I walk back into my office and slam the door. How did my day go from amazing to a fucking disaster in less than an hour? Because when Ali called me earlier, it was like a sign. Listen to that. Me, the big bad boss, believing in “signs” like some kooky teenage girl. But somehow, the woman’s turned me into a pile of mush because I didn’t realize that our encounter was going to lead to this. Me, spilling my heart out. Not just my heart, but my guts. And all of it trampled on and thrown back into my face like it was worth nothing.
Fuck me. Fuck this.
But I can’t blame the gorgeous girl for the situation. I did tell my employees they could walk in whenever they wanted. And Trevor usually just tells people to walk in unless he knows I’m busy. So it’s kind of the way things are always done around here.
But now there’s a fucking mess out there I need to deal with. Shit. A knock on my door stops me from spiraling into insanity.
“Come in,” I growl. Under my breath, I add, “Thanks for knocking.”
Jenny stands at the door looking at me askance. “Hey boss.”
Fuck this shit.
“How bad is it?”
She doesn’t say anything, which means it’s really bad.
“Goddamnit,” I curse.
Jenny holds up both hands palms out.
“It’s not as bad as it could be. We got a gag order on everyone before it spilled out of the building. At least social media won’t get a hold of this.”
“That’s good. What else?”
“The board is meeting in two weeks to talk about Ali’s future with Carmichael Publishing.”
“They can’t drop her book,” I say fiercely.
Jenny sits down. “They can if they want to. You know that. This isn’t a one-man dictatorship. Carmichael Publishing runs according to rules that you set up as a precaution. You’ll have to convince them to change the guidelines about intraoffice dating.”
I laugh bitterly. “No, I don’t. It’s pointless. Ali ended it so we no longer have a problem.”
“Oh shit,” Jenny gasps, one hand going up to clap over her mouth. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. It wasn’t a big thing.” Liar, liar, pants on fucking fire.
My editor sighs. “I’ve known you for a long time, Chris. I know you cared for her more than any of your other girlfriends.”
I partially glower.
“Says who?”
Jenny rolls her eyes.
“Come on, I’ve been here for five years. I know you, boss. I know how much you liked her. Anyone could tell, it wasn’t exactly subtle.”
Oh fuck.
“You’re right. I liked her. Key word being ‘liked’ and not like.”
“And she bailed?” Jenny asks, one eyebrow shooting towards the ceiling.
“She doesn’t feel the same,” I growl, hackles rising.
“Hmm,” Jenny says thoughtfully. “I would’ve thought she did with the way she looks at you. But maybe my radar is off.”
“Maybe,” I say, but her words give me hope. “Did you talk to Steven?” I ask abruptly. Steven is the head of the board.
“Yeah. He said to continue working on Ali’s book for now. If we do keep her, we’ll have to stay on deadline anyway. If we drop her, this work will be for nothing, and we’ll have to eat the cost.”
“Shit,” I say. “Fuck shit fuck.”
Jenny shrugs. “At this point, it is what it is, boss. Not that they’re interested, but I’m definitely going to tell the board I want to keep the book.”
“You go to bat for the book,” I say. “I’ll wipe my hands of it.”
“But you love this story!” Jenny gasps.
“I do, but I like Ali more, and if I have to step back to get her published, then that’s what I’ll do.”
Jenny just shakes her head again.
“Like I said, Mr. Carmichael, you really like this woman. I’ve never seen you this go this ga-ga before. But we don’t have to make any decisions now. We have two weeks before the board meets, and we’ll come up with a game plan before then.”
I sit down at my desk with a heavy sigh. “I just don’t want to ruin Ali’s life.”
“I know,” Jenny says comfortingly. “We’ll figure this out.”
I nod, and Jenny shoots me one last look of pity before leaving. Because Ali may not like me, but my heart won’t stop wanting her. And if I can’t have her … the least I can do is to make her dreams come true.