Chapter Fifteen

Dazed with lust and confusion, I stumble inside my living room. I don’t even say, “I’m home.” Then I yelp when I notice one of my housemates in the massage chair.

“Good God, what the heck is that?” I say. It’s got to be Michelle because her bathrobe is white. Her hair is wrapped in a thick towel and her face is completely covered with some dark green goo, and a slice of cucumber lies on each eye.

“Face mask. It’s supposed to make your skin glow,” Michelle says, her words slightly garbled since she’s trying not to move her mouth much.

“Where’s Sammi?”

She gestured in the general direction of the sofa. I see Sammi lying there with the same goo on her face, which is more surreal than Dali’s melting clocks. She never, ever does stuff like this. “Why are you covered in that stuff?”

“Seaweed mask,” Sammi informs me. “I need to glow.”

“Whatever for?”

“To get David to notice me. Then maybe he’ll dump that skank.”

I shake my head. It’s unbelievable that somebody as no-nonsense and practical as Sammi is still pining after my cousin. Objectively speaking, David is handsome, yes, and smart as hell too, but there are other good-looking, smart guys around.

Suddenly, Sammi lifts her head and peers at me. “Why the hell are you here, by the way? Weren’t you out with Matt all day long?”

“Yes.”

“So…” She gives a sidelong look. “Why aren’t you at his place, getting some?”

“He walked me here, kissed me and said, ‘good night.’”

An ominous silence reigns in the living room except for the massage chair motor. Finally Michelle says, “Is he, like, gay but in denial?”

“Can’t be,” Sammi says. “Did you NIMP him again?”

I feel my face heat. “I did not. And NIMP isn’t a verb.”

“It is now.”

“What’s NIMP?” Michelle asks as the massage chair completes its program and slowly returns her to a sitting position.

“Nothing,” I say at the same time Sammi says, “Not In My Pussy.”

Michelle peels the cucumber slices off her eyes. “Wait. You’ve still got your cherry?”

“Yes,” I mutter.

“Oh, that’s right. You told him no sex. So why are you upset?”

“Except for intercourse, other things were definitely on the table.”

Michelle muses, “Maybe he didn’t know.”

“I’m certain he knew,” Sammi says. “But like I said, it’s the NIMP vibe.”

“Definitely.”

“Why?” I demand, peeved.

“How would you feel if a guy said, ‘anything but eating you out’?” The goo on Michelle’s forehead quivers a bit. I think she’s trying to raise an eyebrow. “This, of course, assumes you like having a guy down there.”

My face’s gotta be scarlet by now. God, I so hate my complexion. But Michelle has a point.

Since I’m not fit company, I drag myself upstairs, shower and put on a long nightshirt with the Sweet Darlings Inc. logo on it. I feel marginally better…but not that much.

Within a few minutes, I hear Michelle and Sammi going to their rooms to sleep. It’s almost ten. Michelle needs at least eight hours of sleep, and Sammi will want to get up early tomorrow for another run.

Turning off the lights, I go to bed too, but sleep eludes me. I toss and turn. Yes, I’m totally horny, but that’s not really the point. My B.O.B. isn’t enough to satisfy me. I want Matt.

Then why the hell did I choke like that? If I’d just said, “You,” at the door, I bet we would’ve been…doing it. I might’ve even lost my V-Card by now.

A sudden realization hits me. I do want Matt to be my first. But I want more than just sex. I want more than one time with him, and I need to be certain he’s not going to exit from my life afterward. And how am I going to know that unless I ask, right?

Feeling like a stalker, I crack open the curtains on my bedroom windows and check out Matt’s house. One of the rooms on the top level is still lit.

Before I lose my courage, I shrug into a light blue wrap, grab a few condoms—the stash I take every time I go out of town—and march over to his house. I pound on the door with more force than necessary, just in case he fell asleep with the light on. It’s a distinct possibility. I’ve done it a few times.

But the door opens quickly, revealing Matt on the other side. He’s showered recently too, and his hair’s slightly messy. He’s in nothing but loose shorts and a shirt, and I step into his house without waiting for him to invite me in.

He closes the door and faces me. “Jan? What’s wrong?” he asks.

I swallow. This is it. My palms are so sweaty, I want to wipe them on my shirt, but I stay still and meet his gaze. “Why do you want to sleep with me?”

He blinks, then stares at me like I’ve lost my mind. I probably have. I didn’t get much sleep last night, and my filter’s not working properly.

“You’re beautiful. And I like you.”

Beautiful. That’s a cliché, and I know I’m not that beautiful…although he looks at me as though I am. But liking me? That’s different. My palms grow even sweatier. My throat is totally parched. I croak, “Why?”

The question hangs between us, and Matt gazes at me with the oddest expression. He’s probably shocked. Maybe he’s wondering what’s wrong with me.

But I have to know that it’s not I like you as in “I’m saying this because it’s probably what you want to hear” or “I’m saying it because it’s what’s expected of me.” I don’t want either of those I like yous. I’ve had enough of that.

I lick my lips, my heart thumping wildly. My palms are so damp, I could probably water Matt’s lawn on my way back home.

God, I’m being absurd. Why can’t I be like most people and just say, “Okay,” or even, “Thank you. I like you too”?

Swallowing a sigh, I look away. He’s not going to say anything because there’s nothing to say. He was probably just being nice because he could tell I’m needy like that. I squirm. The condoms in the small pocket of my throw seem to grow heavy, and my unbound girls and bare bottom feel extra awkward since… Well. I don’t sleep with my underwear on. I cross my arms over my chest. I probably should’ve put some on before coming over. That way it would be less humiliating, even though I’m the only person who knows about my commando status.

“Look at me, Jan.”

I take a quick peek through my lashes.

“You say the most unexpected things sometimes.”

I clear my throat. “You don’t have to say anything. I shouldn’t have asked. Sorry.” It’s really hard to look at the guy when you’re feeling stupid and embarrassed. I should’ve just let Matt set the pace. Surely, he would’ve said, “I like you,” when he was ready, not because I prompted him.

Now he’s never going to say it again.

“I don’t think you have any idea what I see when I look at you.”

He doesn’t appear annoyed or mocking. He has the tenderest expression, his eyes soft and dark.

“I like you because you’re funny, sweet, unspoiled and vulnerable.”

“Vulnerable?” Is that an adorable trait?

“Yes. It makes me want to slay all your dragons and bring you flowers.” The irresistible dimple pops on his cheek. My heart knocks harder against my ribs. “Sunflowers in particular.”

I stare at him. My brain can hardly process what he’s saying. Does he really feel that way about me? Really? “Lawyers don’t slay things,” I blurt out like an idiot because I don’t know what else to say.

He shrugs with a smile. “Okay, you got me. I’ll sue all your dragons and hit them with so many motions and depositions that they won’t know what hit them.”

I don’t know what that means, and I don’t care. Pure, unadulterated pleasure bursts inside me, and since I’m too emotional to come up with clever words, I just fling my arms around him. He’s solid and warm, and I inhale soap and his scent. I want this man. I want him to be my first, and I couldn’t care less that I don’t have my phone to bail me out. I know I won’t have any regrets tomorrow morning.

So I tell him. “I want you, too.”

“I know.”

“And I don’t want you to stop just because you think I’m like a, a hostile witness or, you know, take too long to say yes or whatever.” I pull back a bit so he can see how serious I am. “I overthink everything and I hesitate a lot. I’m not very good at dating and…stuff.”

He runs the back of his fingers along my left cheek, and the gentle touch leaves me trembling all over. “Okay.”

“If you’re worried that I might want to stop, don’t, um, just guess,” I add hurriedly. “You can ask me if I want to use a safe word.”

His eyes gleam. “I have no clue what kind of experience you’ve had, but I’m not going to spank you.”

I flush. Should I tell him I’m a virgin now? But I want to get this out first, before we switch topics. “I know, but it’s really so you don’t stop because I’m overthinking again.” My cheeks heat hotter, but I have to say this because he deserves to know. “I wanted you when you were kissing me outside my door earlier.”

“I wanted you, too.” He tucks my hair behind my ears, his fingers feather-light.

“I, uh, noticed that, but I…I was…um…thinking.” And it’s that thinking that always makes me anxious…and then Bailey out. It made Matt stop when I didn’t want him to.

I don’t want to think. Not anymore.

“So what’s your safe word?”

“Sunflower. It’s my favorite and you’re the only person to bring one to me.”

And to prove to both of us how serious I am about tonight, I take a step back, shrug out of the wrap and pull the nightshirt off and throw it on the floor.