Chapter Thirty

In the end, I turn down Michelle’s offer to redo my makeup and go straight to Matt’s place. If it had been even a day earlier, I would’ve taken her up on it. However, makeup has nothing to do with my confidence or how people perceive me (so long as I don’t look like a slob). And I know it has no impact on how Matt feels about me.

As I’m about to leave, somebody knocks on my door. Wait. Are Sammi and Michelle correct? Is that Matt?

My heart hammering, I open the door, then almost let out an “Ew” when I see Emma standing there. She’s carefully outfitted in a ridiculously ostentatious designer dress that matches her hot pink umbrella. A few raindrops cling to her snake-skin ankle boots, and she looks at me like I’m the most loathsome thing she’s ever seen.

Which doesn’t bother me, since the feeling is mutual.

“What do you want? Matt’s house is over there,” I say, then I almost smack myself. Ugh. What the hell? It’s like I’m encouraging her to go bang him or something.

“I know where he lives,” she says between clenched teeth. “I’m here to say I’m sorry for being less than polite to you.”

I blink at the most incongruously delivered apology. Her expression is more suited for “Fuck you, bitch.” A vein in her forehead is visibly throbbing. I wonder if it’s going to pop.

She draws in a deep breath. “I shouldn’t have interrupted your date with Matt or insinuate that he’s only using you to have a baby. And…stuff.”

Except her eyes are saying she did nothing wrong. What the hell is going on?

“Anyway, I said I’m sorry, so don’t you dare claim I didn’t.” Before I can gather my wits, she spins around, jumps into her sports car and vanishes.

What was that about?

I shake myself mentally. Who cares about Emma? She isn’t important. Matt is.

My hand is slick around the umbrella handle as I go over to his house, and it has nothing to do with rain. Although I had a glass of water before leaving, my mouth is so dry it’s painful. I clear my throat and knock on the door.

Before my knuckles hit for the third time, the door swings open, and Matt is standing on the other side, silently studying me. Something like worry darkens his gaze before it turns guarded, without the usual sparkle.

He seems a bit leaner—maybe it’s the light—and there are half-circles under his eyes. Michelle said he probably wasn’t sleeping much, but he still looks scrumptious in a charcoal suit. His tie is missing, the collar undone. If this had been back before we fought, I might’ve stretched myself up and kissed the bare skin at the base of his throat.

But right now, his expression is inscrutable, his mouth flat. If he’s surprised to see me at his doorstep, I can’t tell. For all I know, I could’ve imagined he was concerned for me because I really really want him back.

My heart pounds.

“Uh. Is it okay if I come in? It’s raining pretty hard.” The second the inane words leave me lips, I wince. I have an umbrella. I can just run back to my place next door. Shoulda brought an empty bowl for sugar or something. That way it would be less lame.

Matt’s going to roll his eyes and shut the door in my face in…

Three…

Two…

“Come in.” He steps aside.

“Okay. Sorry to—” I stop. Did he just say, “Come in?”

He arches an eyebrow.

Oh. Yes. Yes, he did.

My heart beats faster. Breathe. Can you imagine the spectacle if I hyperventilated and passed out at his feet? Ugh. I might as well just give up.

No. No negative thoughts. No giving up.

I’m worthy. I’m lovable. And people do love me.

I just have to convince this man that we are still worth fighting for, that we can have the future he spoke of.

The door closes behind me with a soft click. “There are things I have to say. That’s why I really came in, not just because it’s raining,” I say.

“Okay.”

“So. Um. I was thinking about what happened, and it’s…” God, this is so hard. I wish I could read Matt’s mind, but his expression seems even more remote than before. Crap. I stop pacing because my knees are so squishy and shaky that there’s no way I can take another step without landing on my ass. “I shouldn’t have done that. Accused you that way, I mean. And in case you’re wondering, I’m not pregnant.”

He shoves his hands into his pants pockets. “Is that why you’re here?”

“Um… I thought you should know.” I clear my throat. Why isn’t he happy? Did he want the hypothetical baby? Aren’t we too young for it? “And you were—are right about my insecurities. I’m not really like other people.”

“Jan—”

I raise a sweaty hand. “Let me finish.” I tell him about my childhood, things I’ve never told anybody, then more recent stuff, including Alexandra’s offer to move me to San Mateo. “I want you to know the first thing I thought was San Mateo doesn’t have Matt.” I peer at him through my lashes. A fleeting smile on his lips gives me the courage to plow on. “You’re the one who made me realize—unconsciously—that I was giving my past too much power over me. If I hadn’t met you, I’d probably be on my sixth or seventh one-night stand and Baileying on the guy because I wouldn’t be able to go through with it…all the while wondering what’s wrong with me. I’ve been telling myself I liked you, that I was insanely fond of you, but really I’ve been in love with you all along but didn’t want to admit it because I was afraid of what it might mean if I did. What if you didn’t love me back? What if you thought I wasn’t good enough? Maybe that’s why I wanted you to remain as just That Man Next Door, rather than someone who could mean more.”

Amazement glitters in his warm gaze. “Jan, you’re so damn fucking perfect, I don’t understand how you can’t see that. But if you give me a chance, I’ll help you see yourself through my eyes.”

Something like hope sparks in my heart. “So…we’re not finished…?”

“Finished? Are you kidding? It’s been hellish without you, and I was thinking of ways I could fix it after the debacle last Saturday. In case you heard the worst possible interpretation from your nosy housemates, I met with Emma and told her she needed to stop deluding herself.”

“What do you mean?”

“Thinking that we can be together if she just pesters me long enough, because I feel absolutely nothing for her. And she’s supposed to apologize to you before the week’s over. Let me know if she doesn’t. I also told Mom I wasn’t joining Aston Richter Spencer Emerick even if you weren’t in the picture, so she needs to stop trying to manipulate me, including sending me ugly housewarming gifts to express her displeasure.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. And if you’d waited just a few more minutes, you would’ve found me on your doorstep, asking you to come over because I had something for your birthday. Then once you had, I would’ve convinced you to give us another chance…because I shouldn’t have walked out on you like that when you were in shock and felt betrayed. Or, if that failed, I was willing to seduce you into staying with me.”

I finally register a cake and a pile of presents wrapped in sunflower paper on the dining table. Sweet bliss unfurls in my heart, chasing away the cold and misery of the last six days. I sway closer until I’m only a hairsbreadth away from him. “You knew?”

He pulls his hands out of his pockets and locks them at the small of my back, cinching us together. “David mentioned it. You have no idea how lucky I felt for that small pretext to see you again, because I was becoming increasingly irrational about you. It didn’t help that your witchy friend kept telling me about your potential dates, and all those guys’ messages kept landing in my inbox.”

“You know that wasn’t really me who signed up.” I wrap my arms around him.

“Yeah…but I was jealous anyway.”

“How could you be, when you’re the only man I love?”

He runs the back of his fingers along my cheek. “Because I’m a possessive guy, and I’m utterly and insanely in love with you.”

I bite my lower lip, trying not to smile too widely, but it’s impossible.

Matt continues, “I don’t want you near any man who wants you that way.”

“What would you have done? Sued them? Slapped them with depositions?”

“No. I would’ve tackled them and held their faces to the ground until they begged for mercy.”

“I thought you were a quarterback.”

“I can still tackle better than most.”

“I think you can do everything well.”

“I can do everything well when it comes to you.”

I look deeply into his warm blue eyes. “So. Are we good now?”

“Better than good. So what do you want to do first? Unwrap your gifts or eat your cake?”

“I’m definitely unwrapping my gifts first, and I’m starting with the best one.” I reach for his jacket, then slide it down over his arms.

With a wicked laugh, Matt picks me up and carries me to the bedroom.

The cake and gifts stay forgotten for a long, long time.