Epilogue
Six Months Later
“Are you nervous?” Nate’s voice pulled my gaze from the door at the end of the path.
“I shouldn’t be, but I am.” My answer was honest and raw, exactly the way I was with Nate all the time. The last six months had been an awakening to reality. Suddenly, I was in a functional, adult relationship where I got out whatever I put in. It was astounding.
If I was open, honest, and real with Nate, he gave it back to me. If I told him I loved him, he always loved me back. If I went out of my way to show him I was thinking of him, he made damn sure I knew he was thinking of me too. Six months in and I couldn’t imagine not being with him for the rest of my life, and because I was open and honest with him about it, I knew he felt the same way.
I didn’t miss the angst at all.
“This is going to be one of the best days of your life,” he whispered against the shell of my ear and on cue, I melted. I melted because he knew what the day meant to me, knew that it would be one of the best days of my life.
We made it to the door, hand in hand, and with a deep breath, I reached up and pushed the doorbell.
Within moments, I heard the sounds from inside the house that made tears form in my eyes and a lump lodge in my throat. Nate squeezed my hand, rubbing his thumb along my wrist.
The door opened and the world stopped spinning.
“Auntie Evie!” I knelt to the ground and small arms were wrapping around me.
Ruby and Jax smelled exactly the same. They felt exactly the same in my arms, but they did not look exactly the same.
Even though I would have stayed on the porch and let them hug me forever, I pulled back, leaving one of my hands on a shoulder of each of them. I took them in, smiling as tears streamed down my face.
“Oh, my gosh, look at you two,” I said, trying to sound excited and not like I was sad, even though I was sobbing.
Ruby’s brown hair was a little lighter, but still curly, and very long. She was ten now, and looked very much like a ten year old, perhaps even twelve. She had more freckles and tanner skin, which made sense living in Florida.
Of the two of them, Jaxy had changed more, but that was more because he’d gone from being practically a baby, to becoming a small child. It was amazing, but it was also sad. He was almost eight, his hair was buzzed short, and he was missing a front tooth. His baby voice was gone and his boyhood voice had taken its place.
They both looked at me as if I was the most amazing person they’d ever met and my heart could just barely take it.
“Okay, kids, let’s take a step back, and let Aunt Evie into the house.”
I heard his voice for the first time in almost three years. In all the time I’d been away, we’d never spoken on the phone. We’d only corresponded through email or text message, and any time my phone rang with his name on the caller ID, I knew it would be Ruby or Jax calling to chat. Never Devon.
His voice caused a few things to happen. First, I smiled. He sounded exactly the same, even if his children didn’t, and that was comforting. Second, my eyes found him. I looked up at him and thought he looked great.
Just.
Great.
He did not look like the man I’d spend the rest of my life loving, and he did not look like the man I’d spent half my life pining over. He just looked like Devon. Third, I felt Nate’s hand slide into mine and give it another squeeze. This caused the color in my world to brighten a little.
Nate wasn’t trying to claim me, or give Devon some sort of signal that I was his. No. In true Nate style, he was showing me he was there supporting me.
“Nate, good to see you again.” Devon said as he reached out a hand, wearing a genuine smile.
“Likewise,” Nate replied with a matching smile.
“Evie, we’ve been waiting all day. The kids were nearly losing their minds with excitement.” He stepped forward and opened his arms to me. Without hesitation, I met him with a few steps of my own and gave him a hug, my hands open and splayed on his back. He smelled the same, felt the same, even looked unaffected by time, not aging much since I’d seen him last. But everything else was different.
My heart didn’t sputter when his arms wrapped around me, my breath didn’t steal away, and there was no electric jolt that used to shoot through me at his touch. I was unaffected, other than the warmth that spread through me as I realized all of this.
I loved Nate. More than I ever thought I could love anyone. In six months we’d been able to build a stable and wonderful relationship, even with us living in different states. He was the most patient, loving, giving partner I could have ever dreamed up. But I would have been lying to myself if I said I hadn’t been worried about how I would react to seeing Devon.
The last time we saw each other we were discussing how we’d spent ten years wanting to be with each other. Ten years is a long time. Much longer than six months. My worst fear had been that I would see Devon and something I’d worked so hard to fix over the last two years would instantly break and, in turn, I’d end up breaking Nate.
Hurting Nate was the one thing I never wanted to do. Intentionally or otherwise. So when no buried feelings started clawing their way up and through me, I realized, finally, that Devon was in my past.
Only the socially accepted rules of decorum stopped me from throwing my hands in the air and shouting, “I have no romantic feelings for you!” It was the biggest sigh of relief I’d ever let out.
Devon pulled away and held out a hand, motioning into his house. “Please, come in.”
Without thinking much about it, one hand reached back and took Nate’s, and then Ruby’s hand was in the other.
“I can’t wait to show you my room, Auntie Evie. Dad let me choose my own paint color when we bought this house and I chose this awesome, neon blue color.”
“Wow, sounds exciting.”
“Mine’s green,” Jaxy said from beside his sister.
I let the children lead me to the back of the house, leaving Nate and Devon in the living room. I worried for just a moment about the two of them alone together, but when I heard Devon’s relaxed and friendly voice offer Nate a beer, I let all my anxiety go.
The next half hour was spent getting to know my Ruby and Jax again. Ruby’s room was definitely a neon blue. I was honored to see a magazine story about my photography cut out and taped to her wall. I remembered being her age, and only really important things were taped to the wall, so I took it as a huge compliment. Her room was definitely that of a girl just barely creeping up on her teen years. She had a poster of a somewhat young-looking boy band, a beanbag chair, and pushed into the back of her closet I could see a large Barbie house that looked like it hadn’t been played with in a while.
She had a white four-poster bed with gauzy fabric draping down the sides, which looked amazingly romantic. I knew that in a few years she’d appreciate the bed a little more than she probably did now.
Jaxy’s room was a disaster, but that didn’t stop him from showing it to me with pride. His walls were indeed green, but I couldn’t have told you which color the carpet was, as it was covered from one end to the other in what could only be described as the litter of childhood. I stood in the doorway as he ran around and showed me all his “awesome toys.”
Gone were the trains and stuffed animals I’d left him with; they were replaced with nerf guns, a handheld gaming system, and spy toys. Jaxy had gone and grown up while we were apart.
It was thirty minutes of me just watching them, memorizing their new faces and their new facial expressions. I hardly said a word, but enjoyed listening to them tell me all about who they’d become in the last two years.
Suddenly, like a tidal wave, I became aware that their mother was still missing the wonderful children they’d become. I tried to keep it together, not wanting to cry in front of them, and instead, I asked where their bathroom was.
I disappeared down the hallway, found the bathroom, and locked myself in.
Even though I’d spent two years trying to get over Devon, I had never gotten over Olivia. She was, and would always be, the very best friend I ever had. It was easier to push back all the sadness losing her caused when the life she was missing wasn’t staring me straight in the face. I’d been so preoccupied with being able to deal emotionally with Devon, that I hadn’t spent any time preparing myself for the inevitable onslaught of emotion that seeing her family thriving without her would cause.
The bathroom was barren, only filled with the necessities. No rug was beneath the toilet to keep toes warm, no decorative towels hanging on the towel bar, just mismatched towels that looked like they’d been used to dry children that same day. No candles, no matching cup and toothbrush holder. It looked like a man’s bathroom.
That thought brought a smile to my face. He’d bought a new house and he was doing his best. It didn’t look like a woman lived here because one didn’t. He was a single dad and had given his family what they needed. A themed bathroom with matching accoutrements was not a necessity. Although, I laughed knowing Liv would die if she knew Devon had been letting company dry their hands on used towels.
I unrolled some toilet paper, because there was no Kleenex, and dabbed my face with it. Luckily, I’d worn waterproof mascara that day, so the damage was minimal. I cupped my hand under the faucet and brought some cool water to my lips, then took a few calming breaths.
I didn’t want the kids or Devon to see me upset. That wasn’t why I came to visit them today. And I knew later, while we were alone in our hotel room, Nate would hold me and let me cry all I needed. I needed to keep it together for a few more hours.
Once I felt like I was in control of my emotions, I flushed the damp toilet paper because Devon didn’t have a garbage can in his bathroom. I nearly laughed. Then I thought I would have to tell him in an email soon that with a nearly pre-teen daughter, he’d better get a garbage can ASAP.
When I left the bathroom, I could hear the kids and their father’s voice floating down the hallway from the kitchen. I started toward them, but I was caught by the photos hanging on the wall.
Most of them were the same photos that had been hanging in the house Olivia had lived in, but there were a few new ones. Jaxy’s first day of first grade, Ruby and Devon at a father-daughter dance, both of the kids with an older couple I vaguely remembered as Devon’s parents. It was a beautiful mixture of before Olivia and after.
At the end of the hallway was the living room, which I’d already walked through but hadn’t gotten a good look at. Stopping, I looked around the room and took it in, gasping, bringing my hand to my mouth.
Above their fireplace, at the focal point of their living room, was a large, beautiful print of a photo of Olivia. A photo I’d taken the day of her wedding before the ceremony while she was getting ready. She was smiling and mid-laughter. Her hair was curling around her face in soft ringlets, and pearls at her neck made the photo timeless. The silken robe she wore looked entirely as soft and luxurious as her smile. She was happy. And beautiful. And alive. Alive with so much more than just breath and a heartbeat. She was alive with love and happiness.
Anyone would see that picture and think the woman in it was happy.
I looked at that picture and knew Olivia was filled to the absolute brim with happiness the day that photo was taken. I remembered her happy. She was radiating with it. As the photo so powerfully demonstrated.
I’d tried not to look at photos of Olivia in the past few years. It was a sure trigger for tears. I thought about her often, but since LA was so removed from my life with her, I never got the chance to talk about her much. Even Nate was post Olivia on the timeline of my life. He asked about her every once in a while, but I think he knew it upset me, so she wasn’t a regular topic of conversation.
My eyes drifted from the happy photo and I noticed a few smaller photos throughout the living room. One was on the side table – a picture of Olivia hugging her children, both their faces smashed up against the sides of hers, all three smiling widely, Jaxy’s eyes closed because he was smiling so big. Another photo of Liv and Devon, both dressed up and looking fancy, probably at some work function for Devon. But they were connected at the sides, his arm around her back, her arm wrapped around his waist. Her other hand was resting against his chest and they were looking into each other’s eyes with obvious and abundant love.
That photo made me smile. Liv had loved him so.
On the back of their couch rested a blanket Liv had crocheted while on bedrest with Jaxy. I recognized it because I’d gone to the craft store and purchased all the supplies for it, then sat in her room, next to her bed, in a recliner Devon had moved in there just for me, as she crocheted nearly the whole thing.
It was worn and well used, and I spied some holes where the yarn had torn. Olivia had worked so hard on that blanket and then complained when no one had used it. It had been folded up in their linen closet for years, the kids complaining that it had been scratchy and always opted for other forms of warmth in the winter months.
Now, they lived in Florida where cold weather was practically unheard of, and the blanket looked worn and well loved.
Olivia was missing from this house, but she wasn’t absent.
She was on the walls, and draped over the couch. She was in their hearts, on their faces, woven into their lives. She was not, however, anywhere to be found in the bathroom. And that was okay.
“Auntie Evie,” I heard Jax shout from the entrance to the kitchen. “Dad says we have to have chicken for dinner, but Ruby and I want pizza.” He came running out to me, instantly grabbing my hand without hesitation. “We asked Nate what he wanted, but he said something about not angering the beast, and that he votes whatever you vote.”
I laughed and squeezed his hand, walking back to the kitchen. “I think chicken sounds pretty good.”
“Aw, come on, Auntie Evie,” Ruby said from the barstool she was sitting on, right next to the one Nate was atop. “Chicken isn’t any fun. And we hardly ever get to eat pizza.”
“You can’t barbeque pizza, Ruby,” Devon said with a smile. “We invited Evie and Nate over for a winter barbeque.”
“She can probably barbeque in LA in the winter. She’s not impressed with our weather, Dad.” Ruby hadn’t lost her trademark snark.
“She’s got a point,” I said, laughing. “I can barbeque in the winter in LA. But I never have, so this is going to be a first.”
“See? We barbeque.” The adults laughed while the kids sulked.
I lowered my voice and whispered, pretending Devon couldn’t hear me. “Maybe if you’re really good, your dad will let me take you both out for pizza tomorrow night.”
Devon’s smiling eyes met mine over the heads of his children and he laughed.
“Yes!” Jaxy shouted as he pulled a fisted hand down to his waist. Ruby clapped and bounced excitedly in her seat.
“Nate, would you like to help me get the grill going?”
“Sure thing,” he answered immediately and with an exceedingly friendly voice.
“Great, I’ll grab the meat tray if you want to grab the sauce tray.”
Devon didn’t have a toothbrush holder in his bathroom, but he had a separate grilling tray for meat and sauces.
The kids and I stayed indoors for a few minutes, but then I was taken outside because I had to see their pool and trampoline.
We ate some delicious chicken. The kids showed Nate and me all their cool trampoline tricks, and the three adults sat on the porch, slowly drinking beer and watching two well-adjusted children enjoy their backyard.
“Nate,” Jaxy yelled from his trampoline.
“Yeah, buddy?” Nate called out, a smile on his face.
“Do you know how to play Minecraft?”
“Is that a board game?”
Jaxy’s mouth gaped open in surprise and a tiny bit of dismay. “A board game? No, it’s not a board game. Come on,” he said, making a surprisingly graceful, bouncing dismount from the trampoline. He walked right over to Nate and put his hand on his shoulder. “I’ll show you what Minecraft is. Dad doesn’t like to play it with me. Says it’s boring.”
“I’m sure you’ll enjoy it though,” Devon said to Nate with a devilish grin. I tried to stifle a laugh.
Nate stood at the urgent pulling of his hand from Jax and was dragged into the house. Within five seconds, Ruby was trailing after them.
“Do not play on my game, Jax. I don’t want Nate ruining my progress.” More classic Ruby snark. That made it impossible to stifle my laughter any longer.
I heard the sliding glass door slam shut and let out a deep breath, my laughter ending. Then I realized Devon and I were alone, and I suddenly became tense.
I picked up my beer, which was nearly empty, but I pretended as if it still had a swig left in it and took a drink hoping to stall the awkwardness I was feeling.
“I’m glad you made it out for a trip. The kids have been bouncing off the walls all week waiting for you to get here.”
“It’s a little overdue,” I said quietly, thinking about the long years between squeezing those kids. “I don’t think I want another two and a half years to go by without seeing them, Devon.” I knew it was completely up to him. I knew he could tell me that it was over, that the kids didn’t need me in their life, that it was better just to say goodbye for good. “I love them, Devon. And they’re the last piece of Liv I’ve got left.”
“I know,” he said, then surprised me by reaching out and giving my hand a squeeze. He didn’t linger. He removed his hand and placed it back around his beer. “They need you too, ya know. You have stories about their mother I can’t tell them. They deserve that connection. And there are few people on this planet who love them like you do.”
I let out a stuttered breath, feeling a weight lift off me I hadn’t realized I was carrying. Devon was going to let me keep seeing Jax and Ruby. I would get to be a part of their lives. There was something akin to sunshine bursting through me, warming me, calming me.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“No thanks necessary, Evie.” He took a long pull from his beer, and then put the bottle down on the glass table next to him. “Will we be getting a wedding invitation any time soon?”
His question caught me entirely off-guard and it took me a moment to formulate an answer.
“You know, the first time I saw him in my house, I wanted to kill him,” Devon said with a slight smile to his voice, like he was looking back on some fond memory. “For ten years you were a foregone conclusion. I assumed you would be there forever. Then Nate showed up with more plans than just to fix my house.”
“Nate didn’t take me from you, Devon,” I said with as much gentleness as I could muster.
“No, I know that now.” He was silent for a moment and I didn’t know what to say or do to move the conversation back to a safe place. Besides that, Devon and I’d had decidedly few real conversations, and I wasn’t trying to shy away from that one. “But, it felt that way at first, ya know? I don’t know Nate, besides how much we’ve gotten to know of each other here today, but I know he’s a good guy. You wouldn’t be with him otherwise. But, him showing up at my house was the beginning of the end for us.” He shook his head back and forth before I could even say one word in response. “And I know there wasn’t an us in the traditional sense, but we had something, Evelyn.”
I couldn’t argue with him, so I nodded, looking him straight in the eye. “I know.”
“I’m not saying I’m glad we haven’t seen you in so long, but I can say I’m glad we’ve all moved forward in a healthy way. The kids miss you and I agree they need you in their life, so I’m looking forward to having a regular, healthy, friendly relationship with you.” He took in a breath having plowed through his mini speech without taking one, and I could tell that was something he’d practiced saying, as if he knew he needed to get it off his chest. And I could totally appreciate that.
“I would love to be regular, healthy, friends with you, Devon,” I said with a straight face, but when he started laughing, I joined in.
I thought for a moment about Devon and Liv, and about the big, stunning photo of her above his fireplace.
“Are you dating yet?” I asked the question, hoping it didn’t make him uncomfortable. If we were truly going to be friends then this seemed like a completely valid question to ask.
“Not ready,” was his low and nearly whispered response. I didn’t get the feeling he was uncomfortable with my question, but more so, that he was uncomfortable with the idea of dating someone.
“Liv would want you to be happy, Devon,” I said gently, not wanting to overstep my bounds. Moments ago, we’d just solidified our friendship. I didn’t want to make him regret reaching out the olive branch to me.
He sighed. “I know she would. That woman told me on her deathbed that I needed to remarry. She even imagined the woman I would meet. Described this imaginary woman, and had a good time doing it too.” A few silent and pregnant moments passed, but when he spoke again, his voice was a little more strained than before. “She was lying there, no hair, a good thirty pounds underweight, skin so thin you could see all the veins running through her, describing some beauty queen who I was supposed to meet right after her funeral and move on with.”
His voice was becoming ragged and I turned my head to look away from him, trying to give him a moment to compose himself, but he just kept going.
“All I wanted was the woman dying in that bed, Evie. She was all I wanted.” He let out one racked sob and I immediately reached for his hand, grasping it tightly, trying to show him that he wasn’t alone.
“She was only trying to make it easier for you. You know how she was: a little inappropriate. She would have given anything to be here with you and the kids. But she knew that wasn’t in the cards. That was her way of telling you it was okay with her for you to be with someone else.”
“I know,” he said, composing himself. “She might have been inappropriate, but she was the best woman I’ll ever know.”
“I won’t argue with you there.”
He smiled at me, squeezed my hand, and then let it go. “You run a close second.”
“I won’t argue with that either.”
“You happy, Evie?”
I could not, in a million years, have stopped the smile that spread across my face. “Yeah,” I whispered.
“Good,” he said, his voice just as whispered as mine. “That’s all Olivia would have wanted for you.”
“You don’t mind us taking the kids out for pizza tomorrow, do you?” I called out from the bathroom at our hotel room later that night.
“Babe, we’re here to see those kids. Of course I don’t mind taking them out for pizza.”
I leaned out of the doorway just enough to see Nate lying on the bed in his signature flannel lounge pants. I met his eyes and said, “You’re the best.”
“You say that like hanging out with those kids is a hardship. They’re pretty awesome.”
“Told you,” I yelled again from inside the bathroom. Suddenly, he was in the room with me, coming up behind me, meeting my eyes in the mirror. I was startled at first, not expecting him, but then continued to floss.
He was right behind me, his front pressing into my back, and I soaked up the warmth he was giving me. He leaned down and rested his chin on my shoulder, his hands behind his back, and just looked at me as I slid the floss between my teeth.
After a moment, it became weird, the way he was staring at me and not speaking. I stopped mid-floss, and asked with a garbled voice due to the fingers in my mouth, “What?”
“Nothing.”
“What?” I asked again, more insistent the second time.
“Have you ever played Minecraft?”
I rolled my eyes at him. “No, can’t say that I have, what with being an adult and all.”
“It’s a pretty sweet game. Jax showed it to me. Ruby too.”
“Glad you enjoyed your time with them,” I said with a laugh.
“I did. But I felt bad, them showing me something special to them, so I had to show them something special too.”
“Did you show them how you can fit your whole fist in your mouth?” I asked, letting out an exceptionally unladylike snort with my laughter.
“No,” he said, all laughter gone from his voice. “I showed them this.” As he said the words, one of his hands came out from behind his back, and it was holding a black, velvet box. Nestled inside the box was a solitaire diamond ring. Princess cut. Perfect.
“What is that?” I asked in a whisper, a piece of floss still wedged between two teeth. I quickly pulled it out and turned to face him.
“I’m hoping it’s the ring you’ll wear for the rest of your life.” He slowly knelt to the floor on one knee, took my left hand in his, and looked up at me with the most intense but beautiful brown eyes. “Evelyn Marie Reynolds, I’ve been waiting my whole life to fall in love with you. I’d like to spend the rest of my life showing you how hard I’ve fallen. I can’t promise it will always be easy, but I can promise it will always be better with you by my side. Will you marry me?”
He asked the question, but didn’t wait for my response before he slid the ring onto my finger. My mouth was still gaping open, and I couldn’t make any words come out. Tears welled in my eyes, making everything blurry, but I couldn’t pull my gaze from the ring that sat on a previously empty and unadorned finger.
“I asked Jax and Ruby if they thought it was okay for you to marry me, and they were totally cool with it.”
I blinked down at him. “You did what?” I said, my voice squeaky and sharp.
“Ruby and Jax give their blessing,” he said, smiling at me and rising to his feet.
I couldn’t hold myself back any longer. I flung myself at him, arms wrapping tightly around his neck and, of course, he caught me, holding me around my waist.
“I love you, Lyn.” His words were a whisper against my ear. “I want to have everything with you. And I want to start now.” He took in a breath, and then said, “Marry me.”
I shook my head against his shoulder, trying, with terrible results, not to cry. He pulled away from me, his hands coming up to my cheeks, wiping away my tears with his thumbs.
“Don’t cry, baby,” he said. Then, after he’d finished drying my tears, he said, “I’d like to hear an answer.” He was smiling, and even though we were in a bathroom of a hotel room, it was the most perfect thing I could have ever imagined.
“Yes, Nate. Of course, I’ll marry you.” I had no sooner said the words than he had me in his arms, lifting me up and spinning me around. When he set me down, I was on the countertop, his hips were between my knees, and he was kissing me.
“I love you,” he said against my mouth between kisses.
“I love you too,” I said, pulling back and looking him in the eyes. “I mean that, Nate. You’re everything to me.”
“I know, babe,” he said with a brilliant smile on his face. “You’re going to marry me.”
“I am,” I laughed. “And you’re going to marry me right back.”
He hauled me into his arms and carried me into the bedroom, flipping the lights off as he went, and tossing me onto the bed. I lost myself in a fit of laughter, but all the joking ceased as he appeared over me, his eyes dark and full of love.
Later that night as I lay in a foreign bed, in a foreign city, with Nate’s arms wrapped tightly around me, holding me close, I found myself unable to sleep.
I lifted my hand up into the moonlight that shot through our room in rays, examining the beautiful ring that fit me perfectly. I couldn’t remember a time when I was that happy.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I heard my best friend’s voice. You’re my very best friend, Evie. Promise me, you’ll be happy.
“I’m happy, Olivia,” I whispered into the dark room. “I’m finally happy.”