Chapter Eighteen
Jaxy’s Three Days Old
I knocked gently on the door, opening it a crack and peeking in. I didn’t want to wake baby Jax if he was sleeping, and I definitely didn’t want to wake Liv. But the door slowly opened and I saw Liv with her back against the headboard, baby cradled in her arms, and a broad smile painted on her face.
“Hey, Evie. Come on in,” she said in a whispered voice.
“Is he sleeping?” I asked, also whispering.
She scrunched up her face then looked down at the baby in her arms. “Sort of? He’s kind of eating until he falls asleep, and then sleeping until he realizes he’s not eating, and the cycle starts all over again. I feel like my boob is in his mouth too much.”
“Men,” I said with a smile, rolling my eyes.
“Too true, girlfriend.”
I took a seat in the overstuffed chair angled toward her bed, where I’d sat during a lot of her pregnancy with Jax. He’d given her a run for her money and she’d been on bed rest for a while toward the end. I took a moment to examine my friend and, not surprisingly, she looked incredible for a woman who just three days prior had given birth. Her skin was all aglow and there were no signs of sleep deprivation. Yet. I knew, as I’d been around for Ruby’s first year as well, the hard times were coming. Three-day-old babies seemed to be cake compared to the ones who were teething and growing and vocal about their unhappiness.
“How are you feeling?” I asked.
“I’m a little tired, and still a little sore, but doing well, I think. Much easier than with Ruby. She tried to kill me. I’m sure of it now.”
We both laughed because it was true. Ruby hadn’t wanted to come out and meet the world and put up a good fight until the very end.
“Do you want to hold him?” she asked me, her eyebrows raising.
“Duh,” I said, smiling wide. I stood up and walked to her bedside, leaning down to take the precious baby in my arms, and then carefully sat back down in the chair and got comfortable.
“If he starts looking for your boob, just give him back.”
I laughed. “Can do.” I looked down at Jax and still couldn’t believe how perfect he was. I’d seen him just minutes after he’d been born, and every day since, but I was still in awe of the perfect little person Liv had created. Well, Liv and Devon. Mostly Liv though. “I think he got cuter since yesterday,” I said quietly, running just a fingertip down his surprisingly chubby cheek for a three-day old.
“If he’s anything like his father, he’ll just get cuter and cuter until we’re beating teenage girls away with sticks and restraining orders,” Liv said, laughing as she rolled to her side and snuggled in with the plethora of pillows she slept with.
I thought for a moment about how most appropriately to respond. I didn’t dare comment on how he got his handsome looks from his father. “The two of you make good-looking children.”
“So, Evie, does holding him make your ovaries throb in your belly?”
I laughed gently, trying to rein it in and let the baby sleep. “My ovaries haven’t turned on me yet.”
“You’d be such a good mom, Evie. Seriously, I know you’re not dating anyone right now, and you seem to like leading a lonely life, but it would be a waste for you to go through life without becoming a mom.”
I didn’t look up at her. I couldn’t. She knew I wanted kids. We’d talked about it hundreds of times since we’d been fourteen. We’d both had life planned out – husband, two kids, white picket fence, golden retrievers. We’d even planned to force two of our kids to fall in love and get married, making us legitimately related. It had been our silly, teenage-girl dream. And it hadn’t died, we’d just never talked about the possibility of the two of us falling for the same amazing man.
As if he’d been waiting for his cue, Devon opened the bedroom door and my heart stalled at the sight of the man I’d only ever dream about being with coming into the room with Ruby wrapped around his hip.
“Hey, Evie,” he said with a nod and a small smile. I gave him a four-fingered wave, hoping he’d think I was being quiet because of the sleeping baby in my arms. The reality was that I couldn’t speak. His strong arm was holding a darling little girl and he looked so incredibly happy. And happy looked good on him. I couldn’t say anything. I was feeling too much.
Devon walked with Ruby to the edge of the big bed, his knees stopping when they hit the mattress.
“I’m gonna take Ruby to the park and then for some ice cream,” he said, and we all laughed when Ruby’s eyes lit up with excitement.
“Yay, park!” she said, a little too loudly, but the baby remained sleeping.
“Need me to bring you anything, baby?” he asked Olivia, his voice sweet and loving. He was obviously in a babymoon, totally enthralled with the woman who’d given him a son. I completely understood, but it also totally sucked. He would never look at me that way; never see me holding our baby. That thought, above all the others floating around my brain in that moment, caused the most pain. I could always see Devon, be a part of his life, perhaps even be considered a part of his family, but I’d never have that connection to him. He looked at her as if she gave him the moon.
“No, I think we’re good.”
“Okay, we’ll be back soon.” He leaned over to kiss Liv and I had to look away. I usually did. I could tolerate a lot, but I tried to spare myself as much pain as possible. I heard him move across the room toward me and my eyes snapped up to find him, sure enough, walking my way.
His eyes locked on mine and something in them changed. They softened a little. And if I wasn’t mistaken, they got a little sad, too. He stopped when he was right next to my chair and then he dipped low and placed a soft kiss on top of baby Jax’s head. When he stood up, his eyes found mine again, and something passed between us. The only way I could describe it was a wave of regret. Almost as if he’d seen me holding his darling baby boy, but had the same realization as me: that this could never, really, be us. It had never occurred to me that seeing me with his children would affect him the same way as it did me. It never occurred to me he could feel that way about me.
Suddenly, my ovaries were aching. Throbbing, actually. Every part of me was in pain, screaming out for an ending I’d never have. And I found myself, for the millionth time in the last five years, telling myself it was okay. That I was okay. That I could deal with my life, if this was it. It was enough.
“Evie,” Liv’s gentle voice broke through my mental breakdown. My eyes snapped up to hers and she looked concerned. “Listen, I know that for a while I was pretty messed up. I went through a rough patch, and Ruby came along before I thought I was ready, but I’m telling you – don’t give up hope. If I can be this happy, so can you. In fact, I owe you my happiness. Well, you and Devon. You guys never gave up on me, even when I was less than a good person.”
“Liv, we all have our bad days.”
“Or bad years,” she said sadly, which made me even sadder.
“Liv, what’s important is who you are now and who I always knew you were. You’re happy, and kind, and a good wife, and a great mother,” I said, looking down at her beautiful baby in my arms.
“You can be all that too, Evie.” Her voice was so soft and so maternal. Soothing even.
“I’m happy,” I said in my own defense, even if it wasn’t with much feeling.
“You’re content with the status quo, Evie. I just want you to find the happiness I have.”
I finally raised my eyes to meet hers. I knew she’d never let it go if I didn’t look her right in the eye and lie to her face.
“I’m happy, Liv. I promise.” The words stung just saying them. It made me wonder if she could tell I was lying. “If, someday down the line, I find the man I’m supposed to marry and start a family with, then I will. But I’ve got too much going on to worry about it. I like to leave it up to fate. If he’s out there, he’ll find me.”
“Not if you’re hiding.”
I scoffed. “I’m not hiding, Liv. I’m working. There’s a difference. I don’t have a regular nine-to-five job. I have to hustle to make ends meet. If that means weekends and late nights, then so be it.”
“Okay, I know, but promise me you’re not shutting yourself off to new people or new experiences?”
“I promise.”
“You know I love you, right?” Liv asked. And even though it wasn’t a crazy question, it caught me off guard anyway. She’d never seemed so intent.
“Yeah, Liv, I know you love me. I love you too.” And I did. God, I did. She was my best friend, and the only way I was ever going to have a niece and nephew. She was my family. And it really sucked that I was in love with her husband.
Suddenly, the tiny baby in my arms started wiggling, moving his head from side to side, mouth open, and face looking angry.
“Uh oh,” I said nervously, “I think he’s looking for the boob.”
Liv rolled her eyes, “Men.”
I laughed and then slowly got out of the chair and handed her the baby who had started vocally announcing that he was, indeed, hungry.
I watched with wonder as Liv fed her son, marveling at the beauty of it, longing for that connection with a child of my own.
“I have this feeling, deep down in my soul, that everything is going to work out the way it’s supposed to,” Liv said, looking at me with a smile so genuine and heart-warming, I could do nothing else besides return it.
“I hope so.”