Chapter Seven
Summer between Freshman
and Sophomore Year
I tried to ignore the butterflies swarming in my stomach. I wanted to look like the cool, calm, and collected person I wished I was, but I probably resembled the bumbling fool I felt like. I was about to leave my house, with a boy, to stay for the weekend in a cabin. The whole weekend. With a boy. Well, a guy.
Elliot had told me his parents had a cabin near the mountain and said we should go there for a weekend sometime. I said, ‘sounds like fun.’ The next thing I knew, he was making plans for us. Us. I was still surprised there was an us. School had been over for a month, and true to his word, he’d driven to my town to see me twice, both times making it seem like the nearly four-hour trip was no big deal. I knew it was. I felt it. And although I appreciated that he wanted to see me and had driven all that way to do so, it was a lot of pressure. Pressure I’d never really dealt with before.
I saw his red pickup truck turn the corner onto my street and the butterflies not only multiplied, but they grew larger. I was trying to convince myself I wasn’t going to throw up.
The two times he’d come to visit, he’d been a perfect gentleman. He’d shown up, taken me out, done everything by the book: insisted on paying, pulled out my chair for me, made sure we had my favorite snack at the movies. Perfect. He held my hand, and I felt the tingles. Those telltale shivers, which only came on when special people showed you affection. I wanted to hold his hand, and when he brought me home, I’d purposefully instructed him to park down the block from my house so my parents couldn’t spy on us.
His kisses were incredible. He tasted like summer, sunshine, and spearmint. He’d pulled me to his side of the bench in the cab of his truck and kissed me until I was breathless. Kissed me on the lips, on the neck, on the shoulder, but never pressured me for anything more. I knew he’d wanted to take things further, but he was letting me lead, and I appreciated that more than I could ever tell him.
Now, I was to spend an entire weekend with him. Surely, something would happen between us. I just wasn’t sure I was ready for it. I wasn’t normally a nail biter, but I’d chewed my nails to the quick just thinking about how I would tell him I wasn’t ready to sleep with him.
From my bedroom window on the second floor, I watched him park his truck and then walk to my front door. He was wearing khaki cargo shorts and a blue cotton t-shirt that only made his blond hair look more sun-streaked. He reached forward and I heard my doorbell ring. This was it. I walked as smoothly as I could down the stairs, not wanting to appear at the door too soon and seem too eager. I didn’t want him to think I’d been sitting in my bedroom waiting for him.
I opened the door and his smile assaulted me, left me feeling a bit like Jell-O.
“Hey, babe,” he said as he stepped into my house and gave me a chaste kiss on the mouth. Apparently, I’d been upgraded to a pet name. “Are your parents home? I wouldn’t mind saying hello.”
“Uh, no. They have a dinner thing they do once a week with their friends. Kind of like a kid-free, we-want-to-pretend-like-we’re-teenagers-again thing. It’s a little pathetic. They drink and then my mom usually falls on her way up the stairs, giggling loudly then shushing my dad. Then I have to pretend like I don’t hear them.”
He laughed at my description. “Oh, okay. Maybe when I drop you off then.”
I was a little suspicious that he was so concerned with wanting to see my parents, but I chalked it up to his reputation of perfection. Perfect boyfriends would have a good relationship with parents. But he wasn’t my boyfriend, was he?
“Are you my boyfriend?” I spat out before my mind had even processed the words.
He laughed again, louder this time, his arm wrapping around my waist and pulling me toward him. “We haven’t really talked about it,” he said, leaning down so our eyes were level. “Do you want me to be your boyfriend?”
I thought about his question. Did I want him to be my boyfriend? I wasn’t sure. I had boyfriends in the past, and they’d only turned out to be disasters. Possessive and overbearing. But nothing about Elliot made me feel like he could be possessive or overbearing if he tried. I felt like if Elliot were my boyfriend, he’d only be sweet and attentive, chivalrous, playful. I also thought he’d kiss me a lot, which I wasn’t opposed to – he was an excellent kisser.
“I’m not opposed to you being my boyfriend.”
“Well, that’s a convincing response.” His words indicated I might have hurt his feelings, but his face was still smiling, those damned blue eyes sparkling. He leaned forward again and pressed his lips to mine. This time, the kiss wasn’t chaste. It was hot. And wet. His eager tongue barged into my mouth, took control, tasted every part of me, and left me panting when he pulled away. “Tell you what. You hang on to your answer for now. When I drop you off on Sunday, I’ll ask you again, and maybe you’ll have a more convincing answer.”
“Okay,” I breathed, literally unable to form any words besides the one. He picked my backpack up off the floor and then motioned for me to leave the house ahead of him – ever the gentleman. He helped me into his truck, hands on my waist, which I was becoming accustomed to, even started looking forward to. When he was in the driver’s seat, he turned his head my way and crooked a finger at me. I smiled and moved to the middle so our shoulders were touching.
“I’m not driving for two hours without being able to touch you.”
“You’ve already driven so much today. I could have met you at the cabin, you know.”
“But then I wouldn’t be able to drive you home. And trust me when I say, Evie, taking you home, saying goodbye, those are some of my favorite times with you.”
I blushed because I knew he was thinking about all the making out we’d done in his truck down the street from my house. I couldn’t argue with him. Those were some of my favorite times with him as well.
For two hours we drove, listening to the radio, telling each other memories the songs brought up, learning a little more about one another. Either his hand was on my thigh, my knee, or wrapped around mine, his fingers threaded through my own. I’d lost track of where we were as we headed into parts of the state I was unfamiliar with.
When we pulled off the main highway onto a gravel road, my nervousness spiked. I was comfortable being alone in his truck with him, but we were venturing into new territory. Would he assume we were staying in the same room? Did I want to stay in his room? If I stayed in his room, would he expect sex? I shook my head at the thought. Of course, he wouldn’t expect sex. Elliot was, and had always been, exceedingly respectful. Perhaps I was just nervous that I would want to have sex with him.
He gave my hand a squeeze, but then released it, needing both hands to mind the steering wheel as he navigated the unpaved and pothole-riddled road. The shaking of our bodies as we drove over the road hid the trembling of my hands, which I was grateful for. The truck pulled around one last bend in the road and I saw two things immediately. The first was a gorgeous and rustic-looking log cabin. It only appeared rustic though, because I could tell by looking at it that it was pretty new. Exposed logs on the outside made it look like every log cabin I’d ever seen in movies or books. It was almost too perfect.
The second thing I noticed was we pulled up right next to another car parked in front of the house. I looked at Elliot and he was wearing a sneaky grin, but before I could ask him who the car belonged to, Olivia came bounding out the front door, yelling “Surprise!” She launched herself toward the truck, but I quickly turned to Elliot.
“How did you…? What is she doing here?”
He didn’t have time to answer before my door was pried open and I was yanked out. Olivia had her arms around me in a tight hug. “Are you surprised?”
“Yes,” I managed, even though she was depriving me of oxygen. As she loosened her grip on me, I saw the front door open again and Devon came out, walking toward us with a smile. I tried not to notice how the sunlight brought out the lighter brown highlights of his hair. I hadn’t seen him all summer, so the difference in him physically was a little startling. He was bigger, if that was even possible.
When we’d met in the spring, he’d already been one of the biggest guys I’d ever met. But, he was bulkier now. More imposing.
“Evie.” Devon said my name with such ease, as if I was one of his best friends. “Glad to see you’re surprised, and that this one here didn’t blab to you that we’d be here,” he said as he wrapped his arm around Liv’s shoulders.
“I don’t blab,” she said, insulted.
“Babe, you keep secrets for shit.”
“That’s not true,” I jumped in, ready to defend her. “When it really counts, she keeps a good secret. It’s gossip you’re thinking about. She spills gossip faster than butter melts in a hot pan.”
“Thank you, Evie. I think.” She stepped out of Devon’s arm as the two boys did that typical male handshake, back-pound ritual.
“I’m glad you guys could make it up. I think it’s gonna be a fun weekend.” With that, Elliot took my bag from the truck, as well as his own, and then nodded his head in a way that said I was to follow.
We walked into the foyer and I tried to keep my mouth closed, but I felt it drop open in awe. The cabin looked like it could have been staged for a photo shoot in some home journal magazine about the filthy rich’s vacation homes.
“Wow,” I breathed. I was used to my family’s humble split-level home. We weren’t poor, not by a long shot, but I was not familiar with that kind of luxury. “This place is really nice.”
“Thanks. I’ve only been here once before. My parents bought it while I was at college, so I never really got a chance to use it.”
“Wait, this is your house?” My head snapped to look at him. In the back of my mind, I knew it was his. We’d planned all along to go to his cabin, but I’d never imagined something like this.
“I don’t think I’d fare well in jail, Evie. I’m not into B&E.”
“Of course not, uh, I just didn’t know…”
“That my family has money?” I nodded, feeling any words I might have been able to conjure up getting stuck in my throat. “Don’t go all weird on me now. My parents have money. Not me. I’m the same guy you’ve been talking to all summer.” He shrugged. “Sometimes I take advantage of the fact that my parents are well off,” he said, moving his arm to motion to the great expanse of the beautiful house we were standing in. “But most of the time, you’d never be able to tell.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I think I was just caught off guard.”
He smiled his relaxed, happy smile. “Follow me.” I let him lead me through the house as he pointed out the important features. Bathrooms, kitchen, family room. I tried to be nonchalant about the movie theatre room, the hot tub, and the infinity pool. When he led me into one of the bedrooms, my pulse started thundering through my ears.
“So, this is the room I’m staying in,” he said as he placed his bag on the bed. Then he turned back to me, his eyes gentle and warm, with a tiny smile playing across his face. “I’d really like you to stay here with me, but I understand if it’s too soon. I promise I’ll keep my hands to myself, if that’s what you want, but I have imagined waking up next to you all summer.”
His words both melted and frightened me.
“I’ve never shared a bed with anyone before. Well, anyone besides Liv.”
“How is that possible?” he asked, stepping closer to me very slowly, almost as if he thought I would spook and run away.
“The only serious boyfriend I had was in high school and neither one of our parents was the cool kind that allowed sleepovers.” As I spoke, he started toward me and when I finished, he was right in front of me, our toes nearly touching. I lifted my chin to keep my eyes on his, so when his gentle fingertips grazed the underside of my jaw, I startled in surprise. But the shock quickly gave way to goose bumps as he trailed his knuckles down both sides of my neck.
“You have no idea how much my need to sleep in the same bed with you has multiplied knowing I’d be the first.”
“Oh,” I said, feeling my face turn an as-of-yet-undiscovered shade of red with my blushing. “I’m not a virgin. I mean, I haven’t slept around, but, you see, my high school boyfriend-”
“Evie,” he said laughing, and then shushed me further by pressing his lips to mine in a soft and non-pushy kiss. He pulled away, his thumbs grazing over my cheeks. “I’m not talking about sex.”
“Oh,” I replied, sheepishly.
“Will you stay with me?”
All I could do was nod. I did want to stay in the room with him. I wanted to know what it felt like to be held by someone as I fell asleep. He kissed me again, only that kiss was hungrier, more urgent. More like the times in his truck outside my house when we didn’t want to say goodbye to one another. When our mouths eventually parted, I was panting, gripping his shirt with clenched fists.
“Okay,” he breathed, pulling away, just as worked up as I was. “First step to not rushing into anything is no making out in view of a bed.”
I laughed, glad that he was finding the situation just as painfully delectable as I was.
“Maybe we should go find Liv and Devon. Hey,” I said, suddenly remembering my shock at seeing them. “Was it your idea to invite them along?”
Elliot’s hands started at my shoulders and gently moved down my arms to link each of his hands with mine. “I just thought that maybe you’d be a little more comfortable if it wasn’t just you and me here.”
“That was really thoughtful of you,” I said as I looked down at our joined hands. “You’re always doing sweet things. It kind of ruins the ‘cool guy’ persona you try to put off.”
“Is that how I come off? Like I’m trying to be cool?” He shrugged then brought our linked hands between us, resting them between our bodies against his chest. “This isn’t a game, Evelyn. I’m honestly just trying to make all the right moves so you’ll let me in. I’m trying really hard to prove to you I’m not just some guy looking to score.”
The sudden serious tone of his voice and the way our bodies were intertwined in that moment sent a flash of panic through me, causing my defense mechanism to activate – deflection. “But you are looking to score eventually, right?” I asked with a sly smile.
He laughed, but seemed to see through my attempt at distraction. “Eventually. But not any time soon.” Then, before one of us could say anything to bury ourselves any deeper, he kissed the knuckles on one of my hands and led me out of the room.
The kitchen table was littered with empty beer bottles, snacks, and rejected playing cards. I’d never been one to gamble before, but when Elliot had told me we were playing for pretzels, I decided it couldn’t hurt. So far, my pile of pretzels was the largest. Elliot was running a close second, Devon third, and Liv was completely out because she kept eating hers and losing terribly when she managed to play.
All four of us were drinking, playing cards, and having a great time.
“I think you lied when you said you’d never played poker before,” Elliot said to me, but keeping his eyes on his cards.
I scoffed loudly, feigning insult. “I never lie, and it’s rude of you to imply I would.”
“Oh, I’m not trying to imply that you lied, I’m calling you out as a liar. There’s no way anyone could have this much beginner’s luck.”
I shrugged. “Some people are just luckier than others, I guess. Or perhaps I have more good karma saved up than you.” I picked up one of my many pretzels and tossed it in my mouth, not glancing his way. However, I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was smiling. I picked up my beer and took a long pull, loving the way the saltiness of the pretzels mixed roughly with the wheat beer.
“You guys are killing me. This is officially boring.” Olivia’s words were a little slurred, but her eyes suddenly got wide. “Let’s go in the hot tub!”
“I don’t know,” I said carefully, glancing up at Devon. “Won’t sitting in the hot water just make us more drunk?”
“What’s wrong with more drunk? I’m only halfway drunk anyway. Come on, Evie. Don’t be a buzzkill.”
“I’m not a buzzkill, Liv. I just don’t want to spend the night taking care of you.” Her eyes widened a bit and it looked as though I’d offended her, but just as quickly, she put on her party-girl, no-worries mask and waved me away with her hand.
“You won’t have to take care of me. That’s why I brought my boyfriend, here,” she said patting Devon playfully on the arm. Devon didn’t move, didn’t give one single physical clue that her words had affected him, but I could feel the air around us grow thick with tension.
“I’m up for the hot tub,” Elliot said, also oblivious to Devon’s change in mood.
“Great!” Olivia jumped up from her chair. “I’ll go get my suit on.” She ran down the hallway, only swaying a little on her feet.
“I’ll go get the jets started,” Elliot said as he stood, but before he left he turned to me. “Did you pack a suit?”
“Yeah,” I said with a forced smile, not liking the way the evening was progressing.
“Great. See you out there,” he said, leaning down and pressing a kiss to my forehead. He walked away toward the French doors, which I’d learned on my tour led to the veranda. Devon and I sat at the table for a few seconds in silence. I knew he was upset, but didn’t really know how to broach the subject. As my best friend, my loyalty should have always been with Olivia. However, in this situation, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for Devon.
“I think Olivia has gotten into the habit of confusing having fun with being drunk,” I said cautiously, not sure if Devon would be offended for Olivia by my words. I raised my eyes to look at him, only to find him looking directly at me. We didn’t speak for a few moments, but then he sighed, brought both of his hands up, and rubbed them down his face, groaning.
“Has she always been like this?” he asked, his elbows coming to rest on the table with his forehead resting in his hands.
“No,” I said thoughtfully. “She didn’t start drinking heavily and often until a few months ago.”
“You mean, until she met me.”
I hadn’t thought about it that way. “I guess. But I don’t think it’s you who’s making her this way. I think if she were seriously involved with anyone, she would have a hard time dealing with it. It’s always kind of been against her MO to be exclusive with someone. Maybe she’s using alcohol to deal with things she’s had buried that are being brought up by your relationship.”
“Hmm.” Now he sounded angry. Irritated. “Maybe one of these days she’ll open up enough for me to figure out what’s bothering her.”
“She hasn’t talked to you about it yet?”
“No. Every time our conversation turns serious, she changes the subject or suddenly remembers she needs to be somewhere and bails.”
Without thinking about it, I reached out and covered one of his hands with my own. “She really is a great girl, Devon. You just have to break through the tough exterior she puts up.” He heard my words and then turned his hand upward and his fingers closed around mine.
“The funny thing is, Evie, before I met Olivia, there was this one girl who I’d been thinking about for weeks.” His fingers squeezed mine a little harder and my throat went dry. “If only I’d been brave enough to ask you out that first day we met, things might be different right now.”
“Devon,” I whispered, my voice betraying me and saying his name like a curse. I shook my head and pulled my hand free from his, both afraid of the words coming from his mouth and the way they made my heart tumble in my chest. I was panicking. Panicking because even though Devon had made small remarks to me over the last few months about caring for me, I had never chosen to believe they were meant in any more than a friendly capacity. Not only out of respect for my friend, but also out of preservation of my heart. I’d fallen for him that first day too, but learned to live with the regret of letting him walk away. Learned to tamp down the longing I felt whenever he was near – and even when he was nowhere in sight. But his words, his acknowledgment that I wasn’t alone in those feelings, was dangerous.
Before I could say anything more, even if I could think of the words that were supposed to come next, Olivia came out of the hallway clad in a pink bikini that left little to the imagination. She came right up behind Devon and leaned down, wrapping her arms around his chest, putting her lips to the skin of his neck that I had imagined to be soft and smell of him. She kissed him there, tenderly, as his eyes bore into mine.
“Come on, baby. Let’s go get in the hot tub. I bought this new bikini just for you.” His fingers came up to pat her hands that were clasped together over his chest.
“I’ll be out there in just a minute.”
“All right,” she said with an easy smile while standing up. “I’ll just go make sure it’s extra warm for you.” She strolled away, opened the French doors, then closed them not so gently behind her, and disappeared into the darkness.
I was frozen in place. Stuck in what seemed like an important moment. I didn’t know what to say, how to move forward, or if I should even acknowledge what Devon had said. Then, making my decision for me, he stood up from the table and walked down the hallway toward his room.
I exhaled as soon as he was out of sight, feeling a tremendous weight lift from my shoulders. For the rest of the weekend Devon made obvious efforts not to be alone with me – not obvious to everyone, but plain enough to me. And I tried to convince myself he hadn’t meant what he’d said, and I didn’t feel what I felt.