Cal
“All right, yes, you have a good day,” Cal said to his client Liam before hanging up the phone, concluding his last phone appointment for the day. Usually he only saw his patients in person, in his office across town, where he served as a psychotherapist to dozens of people in the area. But ever since Bobby was dropped off two days ago, he couldn’t leave his home. Cal didn’t know much about little kids, but he at least knew they weren’t cats you could just leave at home with a bowl of milk while you went to work.
He sighed now and turned back to the kid, watching as he played with an old coloring book Cal had dug up from the attic, where he’d found a box of toys left by the previous owners of his house. Bobby was biting his lip as he worked, his little brow furrowed like he was worried about something. Maybe Briana has never left him this long before, Cal thought. He stared at the kid as he worked on the puzzle, feeling something akin to pity in his heart. If he were being honest with himself, though, he knew he wasn’t really capable of feeling any emotion about the kid, even if he really was his son.
Earlier that day, Cal had called the MC’s lawyer, Mr. Grey, looking for some help to get this kid off his hands, but the lawyer just told him that he was legally obligated to take care of the kid until the mother could be located. Cal had some doubts about that. He figured he could probably call the cops and turn the kid over to Child Protective Services if he absolutely needed to, but something prevented him from doing that. Cal didn’t know what it was. When he stared at Bobby, he felt nothing. Not warmth, not disgust, not fear, not anything.
There must have been something wrong with Cal, something missing or misshapen inside of his heart. Oh, well, he thought, sighing deeply again as he considered the long list of tasks he had had to tackle before the end of the day.
“When is Mommy coming back?” Bobby whispered almost inaudibly, looking up at Cal with wide sad eyes.
Cal cleared his throat and shook his head. “I don’t know. She’ll be back when she’s back. I’m looking for her, though.”
“You are?” Bobby asked, turning in his seat to face Cal, who gestured for him to remain seated on the couch.
“Yes. Well, I’m about to be, anyway. I’ve got some private investigators coming in a few minutes to ask me some questions, and then they’re going to look for her for me. For you, I mean. We’ll find your mommy for you, okay, buddy?” Cal said right before he heard a knock on the door. “That must be them now.” Relieved, he opened the door and let the pair of PI’s into the house.
Over the next hour, he gave them a run-down of everything he knew about Briana: her family history, her travel history, her likes, her dislikes, her allergies—absolutely everything he could remember from their years-long relationship. As soon as the P.I.s left, Cal went to the kitchen to pour himself a drink, but he could barely get a few sips in before there was another knock on the door.
“Hello, ladies,” he said, gripping his scotch in his hand still as he stepped back from the door to usher a parade of potential nannies into the house. There were eight of them, all various ages and shapes and sizes, all armed with the same vibrant look of hope as they entered his extravagant home. There was one missing, then, as nine people had responded to his online ad looking for a full-time nanny.
“Who are these people?” Bobby asked as the women all settled onto various chairs and couches in the living room, all staring at him and waving in an effort to get the kid’s approval before any of the other job applicants.
“Nobody, Bobby, nobody,” Cal said dismissively, turning to address the crowd of women. “Ms. Simon? Can you follow me into my office to talk privately? Bobby, behave and color while the other ladies wait for me, okay?”
Bobby frowned, but he didn’t protest or say anything in response, so Cal led the first applicant into his office, where he grilled her on her work experience, educational background, personal habits, and various other details.
Most of the women were quite impressive, articulately explaining their long occupational histories. Some of them even had master’s degrees in early childhood development. All in all, their excessive qualifications only made Cal’s job harder. The women all seemed to blur together, nobody really standing out from the crowd. He felt stuck, with no idea what to do.
He was about to pour himself another glass of scotch, hoping to medicate himself to an early bedtime, when he heard someone frantically knocking at the door. Rap rap rap rap rap rap rap rap. “Okay, okay, Jesus,” he said. Bobby was napping on the couch by this time in the evening. “I’m coming!” he shouted when the visitor continued to knock at the door.
“What?” he barked out as soon as he opened the door to reveal a pretty, visibly stressed girl standing on his front step.
“Uh, uh, hi, hello, sorry,” the young woman stuttered out, blowing out her breath as she began to pull her hair back from her face, tying it up in a tight bun on the top of her head. She inhaled deeply and said in a rush, “I’m here for the interview.”
“The interview?” Cal asked, dumbfounded. “That was…four hours ago. What…?”
“Yes, yes, I know, I’m sorry. It makes an awful first impression, I know, but I have to speak with you, sir. I can do this job. I know I can. Can you just—”
“Mommy? When are we going home? I’m tired,” a small voice from behind the frazzled woman said.
The young woman sighed raggedly and pressed her hand against her forehead like she was taking her own temperature. “Shit,” she muttered under her breath, stepping aside and turning to face the little boy. “Daniel. You have to be good, okay? Otherwise we won’t have anywhere to sleep tonight.”
Cal flinched backwards as if physically repulsed by what he’d just heard. Did this girl…bring her son here to get his sympathy? Jesus Christ, how disgusting, he thought to himself, feeling his upper lip curl upwards, horrified.
“Sorry about that,” the girl said apologetically, grabbing her son’s shoulders to keep in place when he tried to bolt inside of the open door. “Daniel. Stop it. Behave.”
“Sorry, mommy,” the little boy said, frowning a little as he stared up at Cal.
“Uh…what exactly is going on here?” Cal asked, feeling a little on-edge. He really didn’t have any time or energy for bullshit. He had to decide on a nanny tomorrow. He couldn’t afford to neglect this business and the MC, the Bone Breakers, any more than he already had.
“The interview. For the nanny position,” the girl said. “I answered your ad late last night, and you said to come by here, so I thought…” She paused, biting on her bottom lip for a minute. “Did you already fill the position?”
“No,” Cal said reflexively, although he cursed himself a moment later for failing to take an easy excuse to get this mess of a woman off his porch. “Uh, listen, though, it’s really late, and to be honest I just want to—”
“Please. Just give me ten minutes. Ten minutes, and then I’ll leave and never bother you again if you don’t want me to, but just give me that, and I’ll convince you why I’m the best choice for the job. Really. I swear I am,” the girl said passionately, her cheeks darkening a little as she spoke, like her blood was moving faster just from talking so quickly.
“I don’t know…” Cal said, looking over his shoulder after hearing a noise from inside the house. Bobby had gotten up from the couch, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he stumbled forward, towards the front door. “Dammit…” Cal said, sighing deeply as he turned back around to face the kid. “Bobby. Go back to sleep. I need to do something for a little while, okay? I can’t watch you.”
“Who’s that?” he said, pointing towards Antonia, who’d moved a little bit closer to the door.
“That’s…” Cal trailed off, realizing his mistake. “I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.”
“Antonia, my name’s Antonia,” the girl said with a smile, waving a little at Bobby before refocusing her attention on Cal. “Listen. Five minutes. Just give me five minutes, then.”
Cal suppressed a groan, seeing that this woman wasn’t going to give up without a fight. “All right,” he said, nodding at her to tell her to come in. “Bring the kid, too.”
“Mommy, can I play in the yard?” the little kid next to Antonia said, tugging at her hand.
“No, honey, just give me a few minutes, okay, then we can go on a walk together, all right?” she said softly, even though Cal could tell that she was getting annoyed.
“I wanna go outside, too!” Bobby said. “Cal, can I go outside with them when they go take their walk?”
“Bobby, I told you to go back to sleep,” Cal snapped, causing Bobby to shrink up on himself, hugging his own arms and pouting a little in response to Cal’s harsh tone.
“Hi, my name’s Daniel,” the other little boy said to Bobby, waving his arm around in a big circle by way of introduction. “Mommy, can I play with that other boy?”
“Um, uh, would it be okay if my son…” Antonia asked tentatively before sighing and shaking her head. “No, no, of course, I’m sorry for asking, that was silly of me…”
“Yeah, no, it’s fine. They can go play in the back. I have it fenced off and everything,” Cal replied, waving Antonia and Daniel into the house so he could lead them with Bobby to the back door. “I guess we can hang out on the back porch while they…” Cal trailed off, watching as the two little boys launched into motion at the same moment, bursting through the back door, running down the porch steps, and chasing each other into the dimly lit backyard.
Antonia laughed a little and clapped her hands together. “So cute, right?”
“I guess,” Cal said stiffly, following the boys out of the door and gesturing for Antonia to sit down across from him at the table on the back porch. “So. Do you have a resume I can see?”
“Oh,” Antonia said lowly, her gaze dropping to the dusty ground rather than look Cal in his eyes as she admitted, “No. I don’t.”
“Oh,” Cal said, feeling a little disappointed. Well, he gave her a shot, at the very least, but it would be ridiculous for them to carry on the charade of an interview when she hadn’t even met the most basic requirement.
“I tried to bring one, but my computer was fucking up this morning and then—oh, sorry, I shouldn’t curse, I know, it’s a bad habit, but I wouldn’t curse around your son, of course—then the printer broke, and I tried to print it at the library, but then the librarian wouldn’t let me do it unless I paid and well, I’m all out of cash at the moment, at least after buying Daniel lunch today, so…” She finally stopped for breath, shrugging a little and giving him a bashful smile. “That’s it. That’s my big excuse.”
Cal honestly couldn’t even tell if she was lying. Either she was highly skilled at deception, or she had the worst luck of any woman he’d ever met in his life. He couldn’t tell which option was easier to believe. Somehow he felt like both were true.
“All right, well, why don’t you tell me your history in child care.” Cal suggested, putting his fingers to his temples as if he had to concentrate really hard on making his decision.
“Um, well, I have a son, but you already knew that,” Antonia said with another shy smile. She was cute. Cal hadn’t really noticed it at first because she was dressed so shabbily, in a ratty old t-shirt and jeans. The other nanny applicants had tried a lot harder than her to impress him physically, but still, for some reason there was a little voice in the back of Cal’s mind, telling him not to give up on her just yet. Come on, I can’t seriously consider her for the job, Cal thought to himself. She’s a total mess. Why would I want her to hang around my house all day?
“Any other experience dealing with children?” Cal asked.
Antonia hesitated for a second, opening her mouth a few times before snapping it shut and shaking her head with a sad smile on her face. “I mean, I have a younger sister. I changed her diapers when I was little, but I don’t think that counts.”
Cal cleared his throat and offered her a polite, tight smile. “Well. I think I’ve heard enough. I will contact you within a few days to let you know my decision after I think about it for a little while…”
Antonia’s face fell and she remained rooted to the spot even as Cal got to his feet and stood above her. “You’re not going to think about it at all, are you?” she asked softly.
“What? No, of course, I am, I have to spend some time considering all the options, you know—” Cal started to say, but he stopped himself when Antonia shook her head at him.
“You’re not going to think about it,” Antonia said, smiling without humor, reaching out to grab a cigarette from the bowl of smokes in the center of the table. “Have a light?” she asked.
Cal was tempted to tell her to get out, but instead he found himself reaching into his pocket to grab his lighter, leaning across the table to light her cigarette before grabbing one for himself.
“I should have known better than to think you were going to hire me,” Antonia said softly in between long puffs of her cigarette.
“Why?” Cal said, his throat burning a little from the harsh smoke he just inhaled into his lungs. He actually didn’t smoke much at all. He preferred drinking, but having cigarettes around was a part of the MC lifestyle. It would have felt weird not to have them available, and it came in handy in situations like these. He could feel the tension in the air start to dissipate as they smoked together, both of them becoming more relaxed in their chairs while the boys giggled and chased each other in the yard below.
“Because it’s just the way my life has been going recently,” Antonia said, pausing in her words to suck some more on her cigarette. “You want to hear something funny?” she said, leaning forward a little bit over the table with a grin across her face. It looked so disarming, so out-of-place among her other features that it took a couple seconds longer than usual for Cal’s mind to comprehend her question.
“Sure,” he replied, pretending to be interested in the sight of the children playing in the yard below the porch. They look happy, he thought in a far-off, distant way, his emotions completely disengaged from the scene before him.
“Yesterday, I got fired and evicted within an hour’s time,” Antonia said before collapsing into hysterical giggles, clapping her hands together like she’d just said the most hilarious thing ever. “Can you even believe that?”
“I can’t,” Cal replied honestly.
“Well, it doesn’t matter if you do or don’t, I guess,” Antonia said. “You’re not going to hire me anyway, but it’s the truth. That’s just the way things go for me.”
“That sucks,” Cal said, turning to look again at Antonia, who was staring out at the two boys with a smile on her face. This time it looked genuine, like she actually felt something just by looking down at them. Cal wondered what that must feel like, having a son around for years and years rather than just two days. Maybe one day I’ll be able to look at Bobby and feel the way she feels towards her kid…Cal thought to himself. But no. That was ridiculous. Sooner or later he was going to find Briana, make sure she got sober, and reunite her with her son. That was the way this had to go. Anything else was just a weird fantasy. He wasn’t a father, not really.
“You’re making a huge mistake not hiring me. I’d be the best at the job. You really should reconsider,” Antonia said, a sudden tone of confidence in her voice. She sagged, totally limp, against the chair she was sitting in.
Cal considered laughing at her, treating it like a silly joke before getting her to take her son and leave. But for some reason he was captivated by this twinkle in her eye, this weird gleam of light that seemed to emanate out of the darkness of her eyes. Suddenly, she looked like she had all the answers, like she was much wiser than Cal could ever hope to be. “Why should I?” he asked. “Why should I reconsider my decision? Really, tell me. I’d like to know.”
“Because I want it the most,” Antonia said, pulling the ashtray in the center of the table over to her side to put out her cigarette. “More than that, I need it. I will work harder for you than anyone else you’ve talked to today, because I don’t have any other choice.” She paused, staring at him with an intensity that made his skin squirm, his body begging him to move out of the way of her piercing gaze, but Cal held his ground, staring back at her as well as he could manage. Somehow he guessed that he wasn’t nearly as intimidating or impressive-looking as Antonia was, even dressed as dowdily as she was.
After a long, silent pause between them, Antonia finally dropped her penetrating stare and reached for another cigarette, taking the lighter right out of Cal’s hand to light the cigarette herself. When she blew out the smoke, she did so in Cal’s direction, so that he could practically taste it against his tongue. “Now are you going to give me a job or kick me out of here yourself?” Antonia asked as she returned the cigarette to her mouth, breathing deep like she needed the smoke to survive.
“I could call the cops, you know,” Cal said, raising his eyebrows in silent warning. But Antonia didn’t look at all upset by his threat, straightening up in her seat with her shoulders pushed back, looking much tougher than she had before when she was trying to be nice, as if she’d found her strength somehow during the course of their conversation.
“You’re not going to,” Antonia said, now looking and sounding totally self-assured, as if he’d already given her the job.
“No, I’m not,” Cal said, nodding. As the leader of the local MC, the police didn’t like him very much anyway, especially since the Bone Breakers had gotten in trouble with the law more often than usual lately. “Look, I’m going to be honest with you. This is probably just going to be a short-term position.”
“Why’s that?” Antonia asked, her eyes narrowing almost suspiciously at Cal.
“Because he’s not my kid. Well, he might be biologically, but between you and me, I never saw him before two days ago. And it’s been a nightmare ever since,” Cal said, the words tumbling from his mouth like he’d been holding them in for too long already.
“Does he not listen to you or something? A lot of kids are mischievous at that age,” Antonia suggested.
“No, no, it’s not that,” Cal said, shaking his head. “I don’t know. He seems like a good enough kid. But it’s not for me. I just have to keep him alive and in one piece until I can find his mother and get everything back the way it’s supposed to be again.”
“Hmm,” Antonia said, tapping her finger along the edge of her cigarette. “Well, if you want my opinion, be clear about what’s going to happen with the kid. You can’t let him hope for something you know he won’t have.”
“What do you mean?” Cal asked, leaning forward a little bit in his chair and dropping his voice, even though the back yard was so big that there was little chance either of the boys could hear what they were talking about.
“Just speaking from experience,” Antonia said. “It’s easy for kids to get messed up because of their parents. I know I’ve already done a number on Daniel, just because I can’t seem to make things work with his father.” She paused, licking her lips and taking another long drag of her second cigarette. “Anyways, I should shut up about that. I don’t want you to make your decision based on pity. You can’t raise a kid to be like that, or else they’ll never learn to be tough.”
“You’re already hired,” Cal said, the decision slipping from his mouth without his brain’s full permission. He didn’t know why he did it. There was nothing particularly impressive about her, except for the fact that she seemed to communicate more directly than any other applicant. There was very little bullshit in how she operated, as far as Cal could tell, and for some reason he felt like he could trust her to treat Bobby the same way. Maybe she even reminded him a little bit of Briana, the way she used to be years ago, before things gotten bad between them. Whatever it was, his gut told him what to do, and he just followed along, praying that he wouldn’t regret it.
Antonia was frozen in place for a few long seconds before she finally coughed and put her cigarette out. “I—thank you. Thank you so much. I’ll work so hard, I swear.”
“I know,” Cal said. “You can start tomorrow if you want. I have a lot of shit to do, so it would really help me out if you could by here early, like say, 7 am or so?”
“Yes, yes, absolutely, I definitely will!” Antonia said, grinning from ear to ear. She turned towards the yard, yelling at her son, “Daniel! Come on! Come here, we’ve got to go!” Then she turned back around to face Cal, the same charming gleaming smile glued on her face. “Oh, by the way, do you know where the nearest motel is?”
“Um, I think there’s one about two miles from here, down the road past the gas station,” Cal said. “Why do you ask?”
Antonia’s smile faltered, then, but didn’t slip off her face entirely. “Oh, well, it’s nothing, really, it’s just…” She sighed and paused before saying in a rush, “It’s just that I got evicted, you know, and I don’t have a place to stay tonight so I was going to go to whatever motel was closest…” She blushed a deep red and dropped her gaze again, the surge of confidence from before seeming to abandon her all at once.
“Oh, I see,” Cal said, unsure of what else to say.
“Daniel! I called you, now come on!” Antonia yelled out into the yard until the boys slowly came walking back towards the adults. “I’ll be nicer to your son,” Antonia said with a sheepish smile.
Cal didn’t know why he couldn’t stop himself, but before his brain caught up to his mouth he blurted out, “Move in with us.”
“What?” Antonia said, turning to look at him with her brow furrowed, confusion written all over her face.
“Tonight, get your stuff and move in,” Cal said, his pulse now pounding in his head as he got to his feet and gestured for Antonia and the boys to follow him back inside. “Look, I’ve got a huge house full of rooms I never use. You can pick something out tomorrow morning when you move in.”
“You’re serious?” Antonia asked, her mouth agape as she stared at him. When he nodded, she tore her gaze away from him for a moment to look around the huge living room, her eyes going wide as she drank in every detail of the richly appointed room. Cal noticed that she smiled a little as her eyes landed on the shining chandelier above their heads.
“Mommy, I’m hungry,” Daniel said a moment later, tugging on the bottom of his mother’s shirt to get her attention.
“Me, too!” Bobby said. “Daddy, can we have waffles? I want waffles.”
“Yeah, waffles sounds good!” Daniel exclaimed, throwing himself down on the couch and leaning over the coffee table to stare at the coloring book Bobby was working on earlier in the day.
“Daniel,” Antonia said in a warning tone of voice, snapping her fingers two times, making Daniel sigh deeply and get back on his feet, pouting in disappointment as he retook his place by his mother’s side.
“Do you have money for dinner?” Cal blurted out, again losing control over his tongue, as if it had a mind of its own.
“Uh…” Antonia said, looking embarrassed as her eyes darted between Daniel and Cal, like she was unsure of what to say.
“Here, let me give you an advance for your first week. That’ll give you enough for a motel if you want one last night away from this place, and then also to get some food in your bellies. How about, say, five hundred dollars to start with?” Cal suggested.
“Five—five hundred dollars?” Antonia stuttered out. “Just for showing up here tonight? Are you sure?”
“Yeah, money’s not really an issue for me,” Cal said, opening up his wallet and handing over some bills for Antonia to take. She hesitated before grabbing them, then stared down at them for a long moment, like she wasn’t even sure they were real.
“Now can we get waffles, Mommy?” Daniel asked in a small voice.
Antonia grinned, reaching down to ruffle her son’s curly hair. “Yes. We can get waffles.”
Bobby made a small whine under his breath, but if anyone else but Cal heard it they chose to ignore it. Cal felt a little pang of guilt at the base of his stomach as he glanced over at Bobby, noticing how pathetic and sad he looked as Antonia and Daniel headed back over to the front door. Maybe it will be good for him to have another little kid around the house, Cal thought to himself as he followed the two out to their cheap, sad-looking car. In the back of his mind, he wondered if he was perhaps trying to justify his irresponsible decision to offer housing to two people he didn’t know at all, but he pushed that nagging thought away, too exhausted to analyze himself at the moment.
“7 am, okay?” Cal said as he opened the door to the backseat for Daniel to climb up into Antonia’s car.
“Got it,” Antonia said, grinning as she gripped the steering wheel. “Thank you so much, Mr. Amos. It is Mr. Amos, isn’t it? I thought I saw that was your last name on the ad you posted online.”
“You can call me Cal,” he said, tapping the hood of the car and beginning to walk away.
“Hey!” Antonia shouted out of her window, causing him to freeze in his tracks. “You just made the best decision of your life! I promise!”
“Okay!” Cal said back, waving a little before he walked back inside his house, where Bobby was waiting for him. He felt a wave of anxiety crash over him just looking at his young son. What was he doing, putting him in the care of a whacky woman with little to no credentials?
He shook his head at himself, dislodging the anxious thoughts before putting a hand on Bobby’s back, leading him into the kitchen and dining room area of the house so he could fix something quick for dinner.
All his life, he’d only ever gotten anything he wanted by following his gut. He couldn’t stop listening to his instincts now, even if he did have a young life depending on him.
“Cal…” Bobby said, sounding like he was struggling to force the word out of his mouth. “Can we have waffles, too?”
Cal found himself smiling down at his son for what might have been the first time that week. “Yeah. We can have waffles. I’m going to warn you, though, they might be shit. Or. Sorry. Poop. I forget that I can’t say that word in front of you.”
“It’s okay, Cal,” Bobby said.
“Anyway, I’ll try my hardest.”
That was all he could do, right? His best, even if it wasn’t good enough. Who am I kidding? Cal thought to himself as he pulled out the ingredients to make waffles. I’m definitely going to fuck this poor kid up. Jesus help me.