T he last thing I did before leaving was lean over their little sleeping bundles and kiss them. Becca and Price have become more than just my charges. They’ve become extensions of a man I’m falling for. A man I can no longer be around. If my presence is going to spell ruin for him, then I have to go .

This is all my father’s fault .

No, wait, it’s Miriam’s fault .

No, wait, it’s my own fucking fault for getting into his car the night he stormed into the bar looking for me. Demanding I follow. Seducing me. I didn’t have to fall for him but I did .

I’ve been a stupid girl long enough .

At some point, I had to grow up, and that’s why I left .

I walk into Battery Park and stand at the site of the planned library overlooking the harbor. If I squint hard enough, I can envision Logan’s idea rising into the sky, walls of windows infused with sculpted, colored glass designs. The man is a genius at what he does. He’s also conflicted with the way he begs me to stay then tells me he can’t be around me anymore. I don’t want to be the source of his torment anymore .

Toting my bags to the curb, I take an Uber all the way to the subway station and take the train back to my neighborhood. I haven’t seen Caitlyn or the other girls in days, and coming back will feel like more than just walking through the door—it’ll feel like defeat .

Had I been stronger, had a resisted Logan’s advances, I might still have my job. Miriam and Logan would still be working things out without me and my father in the middle. My father wouldn’t think of me as a slut, which I’m sure crossed his mind. How did this happen? Was I so desperate for a connection, for recognition, that I gave it to my boss the minute he stepped over bounds? Why did I do nothing to stop it ?

Now I’m riding home on a train, fighting tears, checking my phone every two seconds to see if Logan has texted. I know the kids are awake by now, and surely, he’s heard them. But no texts. His Aunt Vivian should be arriving soon. I called her as I was leaving the building to let her know I’d be needing her to stop by. When she asked why I was leaving, I couldn’t utter a word. I only shook my head and said that Logan knew why .

An hour after leaving Logan’s home, I arrive at my apartment and amble in, throwing my purse and bags on the sofa. Without an ounce of energy, I smash my face into the couch and wait for Caitlyn to wake up. My mind spins at 5,000 RPM with thoughts of Logan, the children, my father, stupid Miriam, Logan and what we did last night, why I let him. Was it a parting gift? Or an attempt to make him change his mind? To make him love me and keep me around .

Regardless, it was dysfunctional of us to have sex again when we knew damn well I wouldn’t be staying. The situation was doomed from the beginning. Next time—if there ever is a next time—I’ll date a guy with no history, no ex-wife, no children, nothing. Just me and a blank slate going to a restaurant and having a great time .

Sounds terrible .

I’d rather have Logan. But I can’t and this needs to stop .

Finally, I hear stirrings from inside the apartment, as Caitlyn comes out of her room, giggling and running around the kitchen being chased by…no surprise here…a guy. He’s cute but looks way too old for her, not that I can talk. When he catches her (in her underwear, no less), they start kissing up against the counter, but I wait until they get really deep into heavily touching each other before clearing my throat and waving hello .

Caitlyn screeches. “Paisley! Holy shit, you scared me .”

“I’m home .”

“I see that. I thought you were going to be at work today?” She socks her blonde head like a dog to secretly say that I’m interrupting her morning plans .

I get up and grab my bag again. “I’ll go hang at Starbucks. Be back later .”

“No, wait!” She runs up behind me and pulls me back, turning me around to gaze into my eyes. Tears are on the brink. My life is pretty much over, and now I can’t even rest in my own god damned apartment. “Don’t leave,” she says and she means it. “Leo? I’ll call you .”

Leo, the cute dude, nods slowly at first like the message is having trouble reaching his brain because of his dick, then finally says “okay” and returns to their room to fetch his things and get dressed, I guess .

“I didn’t mean to ruin your date .”

“No, it’s fine. He slept over. He was just leaving, actually.” I know it’s a lie. Leo was hoping to get more frosting at the cupcake shop, but Caitlyn has slammed the “Closed” sign in his face, and I love her for it .

“You don’t have to…” I insist .

“It’s fine. Come on.” She tugs me by the hand all the way to my room. I hear the front door open and close quietly, as poor Leo vacates the premises, and then it’s just me and Caitlyn. “What happened ?”

“I fucked up .”

“I seriously doubt that, Paisley. What happened, the pressure was too much? I knew that caring for twin toddlers could be a problem .”

“It wasn’t the kids. It was Logan .”

She stares at me a long time. Since the beginning, when we first found out that this nanny position was open, Caitlyn had been hoping to get it. Besides her unhealthy obsession for Logan without ever meeting him, she was just used to getting the best jobs. It was the first time since knowing her that I pulled ahead and swiped a position out from under her nose. Even then, she was happy for me, though still jealous .

But now, I’m not sure what’s going on from the look on her face. “What about Logan?” Her tone says that her jealousy will transcend into full-blown envy, maybe even outrage, if she were to find out that I entered the private inner circle of Logan Raider’s personal life .

This is where I should stop and say, oh nothing happened. Forget it, I’m just tired .

But a funny thing happens when you leave the man you were falling for, in order to let him have a peaceful life while he sorts shit out…you want to crawl into a hole and die. And you finally just need to talk about it. To anyone who will listen, maybe .

I sigh. This is a big mistake. Tell my mom? Sure. Call my friends back home, Heather and Maya, and dish the details? But maybe, in some strange way, this is the one person who will understand what I’ve been through .

“Caitlyn,” I say. “I have a lot to tell you .”