T he front door of the apartment opens, closes, then the locks click. Caitlyn is home .

And so am I .

Except this doesn’t feel like my home any longer, and the pain of being back here is so awful that I want to curl up and sob. But I have no tears left, I’m all cried out .

Since I’ve come back, I’ve avoided her. I haven’t so much as glanced her way, so good thing we’re rarely ever here at the same time. I couldn’t care less if she fell into the river with nothing but her breast implants to help her float .

There’s a knock on my door .

You’re kidding me. I don’t want to talk to you. Go away .

I keep watching the show and pull the blanket closer to my chin. If I ignore her hard enough, maybe she’ll buy a clue and leave. But she knocks again. Ugh. “Who is it?” I mumble, knowing fully well who it is and knowing that she knows that I know .

“Paisley, can I talk to you ?”

“There’s nothing to talk about. Go away .”

She opens my door anyway. Because Caitlyn, the girl who thinks she can do whatever the fuck she wants. “I wanted to apologize. Just give me a second of your time, please?” Then, she actually sniffs the air like there’s something rotten in the apartment. We both know it’s me. I hope she’s completely offended .

“A second’s over,” I say .

“Paisley, I was a shitty friend. I know it, and I’m sorry .”

“You were a shitty roommate. Friends don’t do what you did .”

Her sigh is almost loud enough to drown out the television, which I turn up in order to drown her out. “I don’t know why I did it, okay ?”

“Because you need therapy for your attention-seeking issues?” I say, knowing how cruel I’m being but not quite able to stop myself .

She nods a little. “I know I have some kind of body image disorder, and I guess I overcompensate for it sometimes .”

“All the time,” I mutter. They go to commercial. There’s a new chicken taco fiesta at Taco Bell. Food—meh .

“I don’t know about all the time, but — ”

“All the time,” I interrupt, shooting her a glance. Staring at the taco is making me hungry and I’m determined to go as many days as possible without eating or drinking. I hope they find me dead in a few days. Then, maybe, Logan will be sorry. “You do it all the time. Wherever we go. You have to be the center of attention, you have to get all the guys to notice you, flirt with you. You, you, you …”

“I can’t help the way I look, Paisley, if that’s what you’re saying .”

“No, but you can help taking advantage of my departure by trying to get a job with my former boss who also happens to be the guy I was seeing .”

“I wouldn’t exactly call it seeing , Paisley. You never even went out on one date .”

Ouch. This is why she’s a bitch and I hate her .

“According to you,” she adds like that makes any difference. Another sigh droops her shoulders, and she’s definitely not herself. More like a Caitlyn who actually has been mad at herself for a while now. “Look, it doesn’t matter. The fact is, you guys were seeing each other, and I shouldn’t have interfered. I’ve just…I’ve liked Logan Raider for so long. And when I first found out you’d gotten the interview with him, I was super jealous. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe you weren’t all that crazy about him either .”

“You thought you could do a better job than me .”

“I had an opportunity, so I took it. At your expense. I’m sorry.” Her lips press together in regret. “I have a lot of insecurities, you know .”

“How is that even possible? Have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror ?”

“Yes. And I don’t like who I am, Paisley. My face, my body, it’s all guys ever see, so I learned to focus on what works for me. I don’t actually know how to do anything. If I was disfigured in a terrible house fire right now, I’d have no skills. None. Zilch. Nothing going for me .”

“That’s not true. You went to college .”

“And partied, Paisley. And drank my weight in alcohol. I wish I would’ve worked harder like you. I wish I would’ve gotten the grades or actually be good at what we do, like you. Instead I have to rely on the only god damned thing that works for me and that’s this.” Her hand draws a circle around her face and tits. “I’ve been jealous of your accomplishments .”

What accomplishments? I lost my job and the best man I’ve ever met, even if he’s full of faults. Doesn’t matter, because I’m full of faults, too. Clearly, I suck at life .

“I know I have to get over it.” Caitlyn blows out a breath and looks around the room like the answers for life are somewhere there .

“You do .”

“Got it.” Her face darkens a bit, as tears rise into her blue eyes and suddenly, I feel bad for her. Okay, she means all this. I should give her the benefit of the doubt for apologizing. “Anyway, I don’t know what’s going on with you and Logan this time, but I just wanted to tell you that I value our friendship. I’ll do whatever it takes for you to forgive me. I’ve been jealous of you and him but now I see that you’re perfect for each other .”

“We’re not perfect for each other. He keeps sending me away .”

“Yea, but then he comes back for you. He knows what he had in you, Paisley. Logan Raider may be the richest man in the city, but he’s also smart, because he loves you. He does. I saw it in his eyes whenever he mentioned you .”

I look at her. “He mentioned me ?”

“Yes. I never told you, because I didn’t want to give you the satisfaction of knowing. I’m going to work on this, I swear. I already have my first appointment with a therapist next week. Please forgive me ?”

Does she really have an appointment? That’s actually impressive. Anyone who realizes their behavior is shitty enough to try and do something about it deserves another chance in my book. I smile a tiny smile, but hey, it’s something, and besides, This Old House is back on. “It’s fine, Caitlyn. Time will pass and maybe…maybe eventually we can get back to how we used to be .”

“Only I’ll be better,” she chokes out. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” she says then disappears. I’m relieved she didn’t walk in and try and go for a hug, because I just can’t touch anyone right now, not even my former-back-to-possibly best friend .

I only wish that ending the bad blood between Caitlyn and I was enough to make me feel better. The truth is that I feel nothing, just numb. And the one person who could make me feel again is never coming back .

* * *

T he subway ride from Brooklyn uptown to the City feels like the longest trip I’ve ever taken. I can’t stop thinking about what they’re going to ask me. I also can’t stop imagining how my father might act when he sees me. Like a witness on the stand or like his daughter? Will Logan speak to me or give me the evil eye ?

I hate being in this position but I’m going to do my best. Answer questions. Tell the truth .

Am I angry at Logan for firing me ?

Yes. I haven’t done anything wrong. I said I would defend him. Yet, he’s put my emotions through the ringer so many times, I could bring him down if I wanted to. I could let my anger get the best of me, make him look like some kind of predatory psycho .

But something has been nagging at me—the look in his eyes when he sent me away this last time .

He looked haunted, almost in more pain than me. And that’s saying something, because I feel like I’ve been tortured .

When I enter the courtroom, both Logan and Miriam are there with their respective lawyers. And of course Miriam’s attorney also happens to be my father, which is awkward as fuck .

Then there’s the honorable Judge Someone Harris, a sour-faced woman who makes my stomach hurt. I avoid Logan’s eyes. I have a job to do .

Nothing more, nothing less .

When I finally take the stand and the oath, I’m so nervous I can barely breathe. I suck in a few deep breaths and let them out slowly to will my heart rate back into place. My father looks more handsome than usual in his gray suit. It’s been several months since I’ve seen him. Taking this case has done something for his confidence. It saddens me to know that Miriam is using him, too, though. I want to shake him and say, Daddy, wake up. She didn’t hire you because you’re a good lawyer any more than she got with Logan because she loved him .

But none of that is my business .

I have one goal today and that’s to tell it like it is .

My father steps up to the podium and smiles that handsome smile of his. The child in me wants to hug him. The woman in me remembers that he put his own needs and desires before mine yet again. “Miss Carrington, could you please tell us the nature of your relationship with Mr. Raider ?”

“He’s my employer. I’m his children’s nanny .”

“Is that the only relationship the two of you have ?”

I look at Judge Harris, an older woman who will probably have no mercy on Logan’s soul. “I don’t see what this has to do with my job, Your Honor .”

“Please answer the question,” Judge Harris says coldly. There goes that. Just like Logan knew would happen. Oh, well, it was worth a shot .

“Off-hours we had a friendship, but that has nothing to do with whether or not he’s a wonderful father. Which he is .”

“A friendship you say,” my father intones, his voice dripping with sarcasm .

“That’s right .”

My father seethes and rolls his bottom jaw around, like he’s not comfortable nor happy with my reply. “We’ll return to that later, your Honor.” And then he moves forward in a new direction with his questions. “Were you released from your job three weeks ago, Miss Carrington ?”

“Yes.”

“And why was that ?”

“Because you took over his ex-wife’s divorce case,” I say, looking directly at him. “And he felt that my duties would be compromised by my relationship with you. Since you’re my father and all .”

My father doesn’t take the bait. “And did he invite you back ?”

“Yes,” I say, leaving out the part about how he begged me to come back because he needed me. How our relationship blossomed after that .

“How did he respond when he learned that you would be here today to give testimony ?”

“He wasn’t happy, but I told him that the truth was all that mattered. I told him I’d tell this courtroom everything they want to know about the real man that he is .”

Miriam appears intrigued, as is the Judge and my father, as though I have juicy bits about the man they’re trying to fry. And I do .

“Please describe the parental capabilities you observed while working in Mr. Raider’s home, Miss Carrington. If any .”

Nice, Dad. I fight the urge to roll my eyes. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slow, I begin. “I was expecting a cold, heartless man, to be honest. I’d read the reports about him just like everyone else and was nervous when I first arrived. But he turned out to be quite the opposite .”

“Please elaborate,” my father says. “Opposite, how ?”

“Well…” I pause. I could go either way with this. Hurt or help him. “He’s an amazing father. Does he work long hours? Sure. But he works just as hard as any other loving father you’ve ever seen. He wakes up early to spend time with his children, Becca and Price, and he cuddles with them when he comes home. If they’re sick, he leaves work to be with them, and he even fired another caretaker he felt wasn’t good enough for his kids .”

“You say you had a personal friendship with Mr. Raider, so isn’t it possible that he invited you back simply because he wanted to continue that friendship, not because his decision necessarily held the children’s best interests at heart ?”

“I believe he did have their best interests in mind. The other nanny wasn’t effective. Becca and Price wanted me. They asked for me by name every day. So he invited me back. He’s a great dad who truly loves his kids,” I insist. “Every day, I see them hug their father. I see them fly into his arms when he comes home. I see them cling to him when their mother comes to pick them up.” I glance briefly at Miriam and holy hell, that was a mistake. She looks like she wants to eat me for breakfast .

Dad shrugs dismissively. “It’s normal for children to be attached to the parent with whom they have less contact, Miss Carrington,” my father has the balls to say. Right now, I want to punch him in the balls, because he knows I’m telling the truth about Logan. He knows .

“They cling to him, because he’s close with them,” I assert. “He sings to them, reads to them, treats them with respect…he even cooks for them when he doesn’t have to. There are plenty of people to cook for them, but he likes spending time with them. He’s very actively involved .”

My father looks at his notes to see what else he’s got. The best thing Logan has got going for him is that my dad’s not a bulldog. Right now, Miriam is looking at him like she wishes he would go for the throat. But guess what, lady? That’s one thing I’m fairly sure my dad won’t and can’t do. It’s just not in his personality .

“Have you ever seen anyone in the house who doesn’t know the children? Any unsupervised guests?” My father looks up at me .

“No. In fact, he has a sophisticated security system. No one can get in without an approved handprint. He’s even had a panel replaced when he it wasn’t working right.” I remember after I told him that panel wasn’t working, someone came to replace it the next day. “Everything he does, he does for the twins. Everything.” I look at Logan .

“Tell us, Miss Carrington…” Spite edges into my father’s voice, and I know he’s about to pull out the big guns. “Are or were you in a romantic relationship with Mr. Raider between the time you began working for him and now ?”

And there it is. If he loved me, he wouldn’t be asking this question. Though I’m not surprised .

“Yes,” I reply .

There’s chatter in the room, as he holds up a hand and Logan’s attorney whispers in his ear. The Judge furiously jots something down in her notes. She does not look happy. Miriam smiles as though her point has been proven, and my dad goes on, “No further questions, Your Honor .”

“I just want to say…” I begin, but my father repeats .

“No further questions,” Dad repeats .

But the Judge wants to hear what I have to say. “Go ahead, Miss Carrington …”

My fingers shake as I push my hair back behind my ears. “I was going to say…that it’s over now. Things between me and Logan have ended romantically and professionally. But even though it’s over, I won’t lie just to hurt him or even to help my own father’s case. Everything I’ve said about him is true. He’s an amazing father, and that’s all there is to it .”

The judge sits back and nods at both me and my father. “Thank you, counsel, Miss Carrington…you may step down .”