THE PARTY HAD QUIETED DOWN. The coffee table was littered with beer bottles and plastic cups; the game controller sat idle in front of the TV. Limp bodies covered the couch and a few people had made themselves comfortable on the floor. It was mostly guys (and mostly army, I figured), except for the girl who earlier had been entwined with Austin. She was sitting alone on the floor now, moving slightly to the music, her shoulders doing this chill dance. Basically, she was doing that thing you do when you’re all alone at a party and you want to say it’s fine, I’m fine, everything’s fine.

“Do you need another drink?” I asked Kael.

He held up his beer, shaking the empty bottle. “Yeah, please.”

We made our way out of the living room, stepping carefully over denim-clad body parts. The kitchen was empty. Estelle’s attempts at what she called French Country décor—a dish towel that said CAFÉ; a ceramic rooster; a little metal Boulangerie sign that Elodie says Estelle pronounces wrong—were visible among the litter of empty bottles and pizza boxes. Still, seeing Kael here against the backdrop of so many familiar things, feeling him next to me radiating that damn heat … the kitchen just felt so small. He seemed outsized now, larger than life, and when I scooted past him, I almost elbowed him in the rib cage. He inched further away from me, towards the fridge. Of course I needed to get ice from the tray in the freezer.

“Sorry,” he said, nearly tripping over my feet to get out of my way.

“Isss fine,” I told him, my words blending together.

He made me feel so … nervous. Maybe that wasn’t the right word. I didn’t feel tense or panicky, the things that usually come with nerves. It was just that he made me feel as if everything was so much closer to the surface, raw and more alive. When I was around him, my brain processed everything so fast, but everything felt so still, so calm in the cracks of him opening up to me. I felt bright and quick and stable and level all at once.

My heart raced when I glanced over and caught him looking back at me, his long fingers toying with the necklace around his neck. Maybe it was the effect of the vodka, but as I refilled my glass, I could feel Kael’s eyes on me, as if he was taking me in, head to toe. He wasn’t appraising me in that skeevy way some guys had when they were so obviously checking you out. It wasn’t like that at all. When Kael looked at me, it was as if he saw me, the real me—who I was, not who I was trying to be. He held my gaze for a moment, then lowered his eyes. My chest fluttered. Forget butterflies, these were blackbirds. Big, glossy blackbirds flapping their wings, making my heart take flight. I took a deep breath to calm myself down. I felt him looking at me and tried to ignore the pang at the bottom of my stomach. I put the bottle back on the counter and mixed in apple juice. Someone had cleared out the cranberry.

“What’s that going to taste like?” He was standing right behind me now. Whether he had moved or I had, I couldn’t say. I saw his shadow in the metal sink and hoped like hell that he couldn’t hear the wild beating in my chest.

I turned slowly to face him. He was so close.

“Either great or not.” I shrugged.

He took a half-step back. My body didn’t calm.

“And you’re willing to take that risk?” he asked, smiling behind his drink. I wanted to tell him that he didn’t need to hide it—his smile, that was. That I really liked it when he was funny, when he teased me. But I needed a few more shots to be at that level of bold.

“Yeah. I guess so.” I put my nose to the glass and took a sniff. It wasn’t so bad. I took a sip. It wasn’t horrible. But maybe I should microwave it to pretend it was a cider?

“Good?,” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said. I lifted the cup between us. “Wanna taste?”

“No, thanks.” He shook his head, holding up his beer.

“Do you always drink beer?” I asked him.

“Yeah, mostly. Not in a while, though,” he said, smiling and trying not to. “Because of being gone. Of being over there,” he clarified.

“Ohhh, because you were gone.” It took me a second to catch on regardless of how many times we had repeated the word “gone”.

“Right. Yes. Gone. Over there.” I was an idiot, echoing everything he said. “Wow. Yeah, adjusting must be so weird.”

Every time he reminded me that his life was so drastically different than mine, I felt shaken. I noticed his glassy eyes again … his beautiful brown eyes. Maybe he was just as buzzed as I was. I leaned towards Kael to ask if he was drunk, to ask him if he was okay. That’s when Austin barreled in with Mendoza right behind him. Way to kill the moment. “Hey guys! It’s awfully quiet in here,” he said, clapping his hands together as if he were trying to frighten a small animal.

Kael and I stepped back from each other, as if by instinct.

“My man. You leaving?” Austin asked. When Mendoza nodded, Austin continued, “Thanks for coming. I know it’s hard to get out.”

“Yeah.” Mendoza turned to Austin, then Kael. I felt like something significant was going on in front of me, but I wasn’t really able to decipher it.

“Next time bring Gloria,” Austin said, reaching for the tequila bottle. And then, “One more before you go?”

Mendoza looked at the thick, white watch strapped to his wrist and shook his head.

“No way, man. I have to go home. Babies get hungry and Gloria’s tired. The kid is keeping her up all night.”

“I didn’t mean you.” Austin touched Mendoza’s car keys on his belt loop. “But for me?”

Mendoza poured a hefty amount of tequila into Austin’s glass. It wasn’t my responsibility to worry about my brother. This was his party and I wasn’t going to be the house mother. Not tonight.

“It was nice to meet you,” I told Mendoza when he said bye to me.

“Take care of my boy,” he whispered. Then he hugged Kael and went out the side door, leaving me to wonder what on earth he meant.