I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’D do without my job. It wasn’t only about paying bills—although God knows there was that. It was about turning the key in the front door, switching on the lights, making sure we had fresh towels and were stocked with oils. Each little task took me out of myself and helped me connect to the world around me. I was sure of my skills as a massage therapist, proud of what I could do to help people disentangle the knots of their own lives. I needed that more than ever today, as I tried to disentangle the mess of my own life.

Mali understood why I was late. She had urged me to take the day off when I called to tell her what had happened, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. Kael had appointments on post all day and I needed the distraction. I thought about going with him, but I was afraid to be mistaken for his young wife. Even more afraid that I would like it. I did hate being away from him, and even called him while I walked to work.

I was grateful for the work, but I had put in an almost full day and was ready to be going home, especially since Kael said he’d come over after my shift. I was scheduled to work until four, but I would slip out an hour early if I didn’t have a walk-in by three.

I was tired, worn out from our date night from hell the night before. The way Kael had tried to come to Austin’s aid with the MPs, the way he kissed my forehead when I cried in his arms on the way home. Austin didn’t remember any of it. Of course, he didn’t. He was beyond recollection. I knew it wasn’t just alcohol—although that was bad enough. (Our mom should have been a warning to us both.) But it was more than booze, that much was made obvious by his big, black pupils. He was disoriented and sloppy, like someone who had been left blindfolded in a forest and was trying to make his way out. When he called my name he couldn’t even form the first few letters. All I heard was a strangled “K.” Was Kael right? Was it more than alcohol controlling his body, clouding his mind.

I wanted nothing more than to clear my own head of the events of last night and I sure as hell didn’t want to experience something so frightening ever again. Everyone was saying that I wasn’t as shaken as I should have been. I’m not sure what they meant by that. Was it supposed to be a compliment? Elodie made tea and sat up with Kael and me while I talked and cried, trying to make sense of everything. Trying to punch my way out of the darkness. When I could talk no more he lifted me under my knees and back, and carried me to my bed. To be held like that. To be picked up like that … it was the closest I’d come to being rescued.

I was exhausted. My body melted to the mattress until noon.

Kael wasn’t fazed by the incident, other than being angry. I supposed it would take a hell of a lot more than a dickhead MP who had probably been bullied in high school and was now taking it out on every person of color he came across. I watched the news; it was an epidemic across the country. Kael didn’t want to pull the race card as he called it, but I wanted to. I wanted to pull the whole damn deck. The least I could do was try to use my privilege for something meaningful. But you don’t realize how powerless you are until you try to do something meaningful.

I saw it. Every dirty moment of bias and racism. I loved my brother and no way would I want him to get hurt, but man … no matter how fucked up he was, Austin was treated like an upstanding citizen. The way the cop protected Austin’s head as he helped him get into the squad car for the two minutes he actually had to stay in it. Even Austin was taunting the cop, or trying to anyway. He could only spew out little bits of words from his slanted mouth. It would have been funny if it wasn’t so tragic.

It was awful to watch him look so much like our mother.

I still didn’t fully grasp what happened, it all went down so fast. I was yelling for Austin, then Kael, then black sticks were pulled from belts, I was shielding Kael’s leg … I shivered. Okay, maybe it still bothered me a little. I just felt like it didn’t make sense how fast they came, how quickly they went from nearly attacking Kael to telling me to get my brother back into the Bronco they had pulled him out of. Even when they questioned us, they were harsh and biting, but retreated so quickly. Little bits and pieces of the incident

I was halfway done with the day when Kael texted me. He was leaving post and would come over after he had stopped by his duplex to drop off some paint. I told him to use the key under my Hello welcome mat. It was worn down and the letters weren’t so clear as they once were, but it was fine for key hiding purposes.

*I’ll keep the bed warm,* he texted me.

I sighed, pressing the phone against my chest. I felt that sense of relief you feel when you slip into a warm bath or a warm bed. Bed. When I thought about Kael waiting for me in my bed … He had a way of making everything seem manageable.

I sent him a kiss emoji and he sent me one back. I missed him so much that I could physically feel the emptiness of his missed presence. At three p.m., there were no walk-ins. Not a single one. It was Tuesday. I needed to squeeze in every minute of my time with Kael before going to my dad’s house for dinner . I thought about bringing Kael, but I didn’t want anything to poke at our happy little bubble, especially not my dad. I couldn’t imagine Austin telling him about the incident, so it was very possible he didn’t know. I was counting on that.

I wanted to skate through dinner without any complications or drama. I didn’t want to go, I wanted to stay in my bed with Kael. I was completely addicted to him and it terrified and thrilled me at once.