Chapter 2

On the day after the double funeral, the Delaney living room was still filled with visitors. Lisa’s head pounded as she sat on the couch, trying to face her new reality, the fallout hitting like buried landmines in a war zone. Yesterday, in the crowded church, the normally shy little Emily had jumped from the front pew and run down the center aisle as soon as she’d spotted the two caskets. They were closed, but the child had understood…and she’d screamed, then begged, “Mommy, Mommy! Get up, get out of there! Please, get up.”

Lisa would never, ever forget that heartbreaking scene. She’d gone after Emily, of course, had held her tightly, and gotten punched and hit on whichever part of her body the child could reach before she collapsed against her. Mike had tried to take the little one. Her two aunts—Pat and Sally—had tried to help. But in her despair, Emily had clung to Lisa. 

The funeral was over, so what was she going to do now? What should she do? Images from yesterday kept invading her mind, however, postponing thoughts of the future. 

At the cemetery, Jen had said, “They’ll be too cold here. It’s so cold today, Lis, how can we just…just leave them…?”

And Lisa had wondered if the younger kids thought she had all the answers. She was a kid herself. She knew nothing! 

She’d watched in silence as the coffins were lowered into the hard ground, their graves side-by-side, and wanted to scream just like seven-year-old Emily, Don’t go! Don’t leave us!

Instead, she’d grabbed a shovel and was the first of her family to drop earth into the graves. She’d acted on impulse, but it felt right. She’d looked at Jen. 

“We’ll tuck them in tightly, and they’ll keep each other warm.” Her voice shook, and her throat hurt as she spoke the surprising words that came to her. Then she handed the shovel to her sister who dropped more earth on the coffins. Then to Andy. To Brian. And finally, to Emily, whom she helped.

“Will you tuck me in tonight, Lisa?”

“Of course, I will.” She understood once again, that for Emily in this crises, no one else would suffice but Lisa.   

In the living room, memories of the funeral made her headache worse, and she winced. Immediately, Gail appeared with aspirin and a glass of water.  

“Thanks.” She took the tablets eagerly. “How did you know?”

“We’ve been friends forever. I just know.” Gail leaned over and brushed a kiss on her cheek before returning to her self-imposed chores of clearing away empty coffee cups or taking coats from new arrivals. Gail and Sandy were the best friends a woman could have, but Lisa longed for Mike. He’d left that morning, bestowing kisses, hugs, and promises to be back next week. Lisa wished she could hide under the covers until then.

But now, her mom’s sisters were walking toward her, looking as if they wanted to talk. Lisa pointed at the sleeping Emily and put her finger over her own lips. 

Her aunts nodded, motioning Lisa to follow them to the kitchen. Carefully, she rose and made sure Emily still slept. She glanced at the boys, glad to see them chatting with their uncles. 

Jen was already seated at the long Formica kitchen table when Lisa arrived with the two older women.  

“What’s going on?” the teen asked, her eyes laser-focused on her sister. 

Lisa shrugged and looked at her Aunt Pat and Aunt Sally, stalwart, loving, and wearing their worry and fatigue for all to see.  

“We need to-to discuss…,” began Aunt Sally. But her mouth trembled in a way that Lisa was becoming all too familiar with.

“About the future,” added Aunt Pat.

“I’m not ready for that,” said Lisa. “One day at a time is all I can handle.”  That’s what Mike said to her when he’d left that morning. One day at a time. She thought it was good advice. 

“I know, honey. I know,” said Aunt Pat. “But a week will go by, then another. And we need a plan.”

A plan? She was drowning. She couldn’t think while she was gasping for air. “Later.” She waved her arm. “Later on.”

Aunt Sally took her hands, squeezed them. “Try to listen, Lisa. Concentrate. You’re a smart girl, and now you need to be strong as well. Strong enough to think about tomorrow. You, too, Jen. So pay attention.”

She loved them, trusted them, but she wanted Mike with her. Sighing, she finally said, “Okay.” 

“Uncle Steve and I can stay with you this week, and then we need to get back to Hartford. We closed the store, but we have to re-open soon. Aunt Pat and Uncle Ted will leave tomorrow for Maine and then return in a week, so you’ll have some support here.”

Ahh. She got it now. “But none of you can stay with us forever,” said Lisa. “Is that what you want to say?”

“I wish we could, honey. I wish we could all move to Woodhaven, but that’s just not possible. So, we’ve come up with another idea.”

A significant glance passed between the two women, and Lisa sat up straighter, her headache forgotten. An unease filled her as she forced herself to pay close attention. “What?” she asked. “What’s your idea?”

Aunt Pat reached for her hand again while Aunt Sally held Jen’s. “We thought the best thing to do now is for the twins to live with Uncle Ted and me,” said Pat, “because we have boys, too, and they could be like big brothers to Brian and Andy.” Her aunt leaned closer. “And then, of course, Jen and Emily could live with Aunt Sally and Uncle Steve. We all think this makes the most sense.”

Sense? They were way ahead of her with their plan. But…it wasn’t a bad one. If the younger ones were safe with loving relatives, then Lisa could return to Boston. Get her degree. Her parents would approve. Wouldn’t they? Sighing, she silently admitted she couldn’t know for sure.  

“We’d love to keep you all together,” continued Aunt Sally, “but, well, neither of us have a mansion, you know? So, it’s just not feasible. But in the summer and holidays, we’d all visit.”

“And you, Lisa, could return to school.” Aunt Pat had jumped in again, her words echoing Lisa’s idea. relighting a tiny ember of hope. “Gracie would want that. She was so proud of you, darling. Maybe not this semester, but whenever you feel ready.”

Boston and law school seemed far away at the moment, but it wasn’t impossible. Maybe soon, in just a little while, she could fan that banked ember to flame again. Oh, yes. Her aunts’ plan could work for her.

“In the meantime, you can stay with either of us,” said Sally, “or with Mike’s parents right across the street. We’ve already mentioned the possibility to Irene, and she’d welcome you. The football season’s almost over for this year anyway, and Mike will be home again soon.”

They’d already spoken with Mike’s parents about splitting the kids up? Without asking her? No, no, no. Not right. She held up her hand. “Stop. Wait. Now you’re going too fast for me.”

Silence descended as her relatives acquiesced. But before Lisa could ask a question, Aunt Sally spoke again.

“We know you and Mike have your own plans for the future… and we know how much your dad and mom loved him, honey. They’d want you to marry when the time is right.” Sally patted her hand. “We like him, too.”  

She and Mike had planned to wait until she graduated and took her bar exam. Two-and-a-half years out. Law school was very demanding. She’d be an awful wife if they rushed a wedding, with no time to set up house, go to his games or even cook a decent meal! 

Lisa glanced at her sister. Jen hadn’t said a word yet, which was very unlike the teen. The girl usually had an opinion about everything. Her pale complexion, wide open eyes, and raspy breath, however, said it all without a syllable being uttered. Jen had been shaken up. The aunts meant well, but Jen was not happy with their surprising plan. At least not now. Maybe she’d change her mind later when she got used to the idea. The seed was planted. Time to back off.

“I’m not sure about this,” said Lisa, returning her attention to the women. “It’s a lot to take in, and I need time.” She glanced around the familiar kitchen, so empty without her own mother, without her life-of-the-party dad. Tears pooled and overflowed. “Jen and I can’t think about anymore big changes right now.”  

Everyone at the table started blowing their noses and wiping their eyes. Her aunts were kind and loving, but Lisa, too, had a voice in the matter. She hadn’t considered the possibility of splitting up her siblings. And now, she simply didn’t know the best thing—or the right thing—to do. At least, not yet. When in doubt, wait. A piece of advice from her mom. She’d follow it.

#

Lisa wanted everyone gone. Back on the couch, she looked at friends, family, neighbors and Jennifer’s entourage. The world had shown up to support the Delaney children. Lisa knew it, appreciated it, but her earlier headache had returned and become chronic. She blamed her aunts’ plan for part of it. But there was more. Other questions about the kids, the house, school, money, a car, and insurance entered her mind, and her thoughts scattered in all directions at once. 

Worst of all, she couldn’t mourn privately with her sisters and brothers. Emily claimed Lisa’s lap every time she sat down. With the many distractions in the house, maybe the seven-year-old thought her big sister would disappear, too.

Emily wriggled next to her and pulled at Lisa’s hand. “Please. Let’s go.”

Lisa stood. Em had barely spoken since her outbursts at the funeral. Crying? Yes. Hugging? Yes. Shadowing Lisa? Yes. But speaking? Not much.

“Where do you want to go, sweetheart?”

“Out.”

They slipped on their coats and stepped onto the front porch. “It’s cold out here,” said Lisa, wrestling with the child’s buttons.

“I don’t care.”

“Then I don’t care either.” She put her arm around the little girl and heard the door open behind them. Brian and Andy stood there, winter jackets on.

“Hi, boys.” Lisa smiled at the twins. Their sunny natures usually made everyone smile or laugh along, that is, when they weren’t in trouble. These days, however, there was nothing to laugh about. “Decided to join us?”

“Yeah,” said Brian, stepping forward. “With no one else around. Me and Andy were talking…

“Andy and I,” she corrected automatically.

“…and we want to know,” the boy continued, “if we hafta live all the way up in Maine with Aunt Pat and Uncle Ted.” 

“And…and…”  Emily’s words stuck in her throat. She began to sob. Lisa held her tightly, but glanced toward her nine-year-old brothers.

“Nothing’s been decided,” she said.

“Jen told us. And then we heard them talking,” said Andy.  “Jen and Emily are going to Hartford with Aunt Sally and Uncle Steve, and we’re supposed to live in Portland. I know they’re Mom’s sisters, but…”

“But that stinks!” Brian interrupted.

Her heart sank. She saw where this was leading, but had no definite answers for them or for herself. She needed to buy time. “It seems to me that everyone’s been talking way too much,” she said, making an effort to lighten her tone, “except for us. Where’s Jennifer?”

“Right here,” said the teen, stepping over the threshold. “I didn’t see any of you inside, so I figured something was up. And I also figured out what I’m doing, so no one has to worry about me for very long.”

Lisa’s eyes narrowed as she studied the girl. “Is that right?” This was the Jen she was used to, creative with ideas, passionate with opinion, and often acting before thinking ahead. Whatever she had on her mind would be a doozy.

“In six months, I’ll be seventeen,” began Jen. “I did some research, and at seventeen, I can be emancipated from my family and live on my own. I can get a job. I mostly do what I want now anyway, you know-hanging out with my friends.”

Lisa didn’t believe that last part for a minute, not with their hawk-eyed parents.

She looked from one child to the next. And the truth stared back at her. Four precious lives. Four worried faces, one touched with attitude. She saw four frightened children trying to articulate their fears. To her. The oldest. In their eyes, she was the adult. The thought almost broke her. Sure, she’d had household responsibilities while living at home. However, Gracie was the captain, totally in charge. How in the world had Lisa’s mom handled five children? 

Lisa had no idea how to be a mother. Not even how to begin. And the kids were waiting. 

Mom! Dad! What should I do?

Was there a right or wrong? She needed the wisdom of Solomon here. She needed to think! “It may be,” she began slowly, “that we have some choices.” 

Before she could say more, little Emily tugged on her hand again, and in a clear voice said, “Then I choose you. I choose my house. I choose Massachusetts. I choose Andy and Brian and Jennifer and me – everybody together. For always.”

“Me, too! Me, too.” The twins nodded so hard, Lisa winced.  “Easy, boys, easy,” she crooned, stroking their heads, and looking at her sister. “What about you, Jen?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want, or what they want,” Jen said. “You and Mike can’t live here after you’re married, so staying here is a ridiculous option.” 

Mike! Fear landed in the pit of her stomach. She hadn’t thought about him at all during this discussion. Did Mike Brennan truly have a vote in this life-changing decision? Her sisters and brothers were not his responsibility. And who took priority for Lisa? The kids or Mike? With four children, how could she and Mike build that solid future they’d envisioned? 

She stared at each child in the small circle. After a week of numbing grief, of walking around like a robot, of listening to theories and maybe’s, another truth smacked her with hurricane force. 

The kids wanted her. Not Aunt Sally and Uncle Steve. Not Aunt Pat and Uncle Ted. They’d chosen her. A seven-year-old. Two nine-year-olds. And a teenager. She remembered diapering the little ones when they were babies, reading picture books and singing lullabies to them. She loved them all. But God almighty, she also loved Michael Brennan!  

“We’ll be good, Lisa,” said the once-silent Emily. “Can’t you stay with us just until we grow up? You’re so smart and you’re already a grown-up. Twenty-two-and-a-half is old. You can be the mother, like Wendy in Peter Pan.”

Four sets of unblinking eyes stared into hers. The younger ones didn’t understand yet that no one could take their mother’s place, not even a much-loved older sister. Theirs wasn’t a Neverland adventure, but a nightmare none of them had chosen.

“Here’s what I’m going to do,” said Lisa, holding out both arms and wrapping her siblings in a group hug. “I’m going to search the house for what’s called a Last Will and Testament or any other instructions Mommy and Daddy might have left for us if a terrible thing happened. Like it did. Sometimes parents write those things down.”

“They do?” asked Andy, his voice filled with wonder.  

“It would be a piece of paper,” she began slowly, “telling us what to do if they weren’t here anymore.”  And the bottom-line decision would be her parents’ decision, not hers. If they had left instructions, then Lisa’s conscience would be clear. She loved her siblings. That was not in question. But what about her own plans with Mike and her career? All just around the next corner. Maybe she was selfish to hope for a way out. Her aunts seemed not to think so, however, with their offer to take the little ones and allow Lisa to continue her schooling. Maybe her folks would also prefer the kids go with Mom’s loving sisters. 

“In the meantime,” she said, “remember this for now and forever: we are the Delaneys, and nothing will ever change that!”

#

A long, high-pitched scream shattered the night.  “Mom-my!”

Lisa’s heart raced as she ran into Emily’s room, to the bed, and gathered the child to her. But Emily, lost in her own nightmare, shook her off.  “I wa-want Mommy,” she hiccupped. “I want Mommy.” 

“Shush, honey. It’s Lisa. I’m here with you.” Finally, Emily’s body relaxed enough for Lisa to cuddle her. Her eyes opened slowly. “I want Mommy.” A flat statement.

“I know, Em. I know. I want her, too.” 

The child snaked her arms around her big sister and held tight. “But now I have you, don’t I? I love you, Lisa.”

“And I love you.” She kissed Emily’s cheek and inhaled her little sister’s sweet scent. So innocent. When the overhead light went on, a lightbulb in Lisa’s mind blinked, as well. She and the children were a family, not to be scattered like leaves in the wind. She’d never be the mom Grace had been, but she’d try. A corner of her heart shredded as she silently said good-bye to the future she’d planned. A future with Mike Brennan.  

Andy, Brian, and Jen crowded through the doorway. 

“We heard her screaming,” said Jen.

“Did you find the will yet, Lisa?” Andy’s voice.

“What did it say?” asked Brian.

She hadn’t had time to start. “It doesn’t matter after all,” said Lisa. “I-I did some thinking. And even though I don’t have a lot of experience in being a mom, if that’s what you all want, then I vote the five Delaneys stay together.” 

She had to cover her ears with all the hooting and hollering that followed. “Shush. Your aunt and uncle are sleeping.”

“Not anymore.” Aunt Sally and Uncle Steve stood in the doorway. “What’s going on? That was Emily crying, wasn’t it?”

Lisa rose from the bed. “She’s fine now. As for the others…well, you might not approve, and we do very much appreciate how you and Aunt Pat are willing to help out, but we just voted to stay together.” She turned back to her siblings. “Right?”

Four distinct nods.

“Oh, dear, Lisa. I’m not sure. You’re barely out of childhood yourself. Let me talk with Pat and Ted and we’ll see.”

Brian interrupted. “I hate ‘we’ll sees.’ That’s the worst answer in the world.” 

“Bri—pipe down.” Lisa turned back to her aunt. “I love you, Aunt Sally, but in this case, my brother is right. There’s no ‘we’ll see.’ None of us really know what my parents’ wishes would be. And staying together seems right to me.” 

No way would she voice doubts and fears to her relatives. She had to project strength. 

When they were all back in their own rooms, Lisa sat on her bed, lips quivering as she thought about Mike. She silently said good-bye to the man she loved. To the man who loved her. To the man she could have leaned on. Oh, yes. He would have provided a strong shoulder, but the timing was wrong.

Mike’s career was just starting, but nothing was guaranteed. Bad luck in college with a broken leg had cost him in the draft. He had to prove himself more than ever, and she couldn’t, she wouldn’t hold him back by foisting emotional crises on him. In the NFL, his elite opportunity wouldn’t wait.   

She’d get a job—maybe teaching history—in one of the high schools. She’d keep the family going and was thankful Gracie had insisted Lisa have a practical backup plan. Law school had seemed so out of reach at the time. Truly, a dream.

She walked to the window and peered into the night sky. 

I’m scared, Mom. Help me.