Sixteen
On balance, neither of their outings together had ended the way they’d begun. Esme had parted from Zach after the trip to Santa’s village in a weird mood, and returning from the Northern Lights chase had seen her fall into bed in an even weirder one. On the face of it they got along so well – at least they ought to – but something was always in the way. Perhaps it was the things that neither of them would say, rather than the things they did say. Although Esme had opened up a little, she was frustrated that Zach wouldn’t give an inch, and perhaps he felt that even the inch she hoped for was just too much.
In bed in her room, as she drifted to sleep, she wondered if Niko might have some answers – he and Zach had seemed pally as they’d parted the night before at the bus. Although, if they had slept together then she guessed that pally was the least they ought to be. Somehow, though, she was beginning to doubt that the true nature of their relationship was quite as cut and dry as Hortense would have Esme believe. It just didn’t stack up.
But the train of thought had ended there with Esme falling asleep. She slept so soundly that she couldn’t even recall a single second of anything she might have dreamed and she woke at eight the following morning for breakfast, wishing that the hotel would serve it a lot later. But having skipped dinner meant she’d barely eaten anything the evening before and even she couldn’t manage to wait for lunch, so she hauled herself out of bed and into the shower.
As the impressive force of her luxury showerhead massaged life and reason back into her, Esme’s thoughts drifted back to the things they’d said the previous night. Or rather, things Zach had said. As usual, it had all been concentrated on what he thought she needed to hear and there was very little about what made him tick. Nevertheless, there had been so much to ponder, and all of it leading back to the fact that, sooner or later, she needed to face Warren with an awful truth that she hadn’t yet been able to face herself. Did she really want a future with him? It was a truth that had been niggling, creeping up on her. In fact, it wasn’t even that subtle – she’d known it but she wasn’t ready to admit yet that her life might be better without him.
She wondered if they’d see Zach today, and if he’d want to spend time with her again. Had she put him off? He might decide she just wasn’t worth the hard work and she wouldn’t have blamed him. She hoped not, because if so, it might be a lonely few days before she went home.
Given that they’d been virtually inseparable for the last two days, it was a shock to see Brian and Hortense sitting at different tables and at opposite ends of the room when Esme turned up for breakfast. Hortense was throwing black looks at a mournful-looking Brian, who stared into his coffee and tried not to quail under the ferocity of them. There was no sign of Zach, and Esme didn’t know who she ought to go and sit with.
‘Esme!’ Hortense hissed, and the decision was made. Esme liked Brian but she wouldn’t dare cross Hortense, not for anything.
‘Why aren’t you…?’ she began as she took a seat at Hortense’s table.
‘That man,’ Hortense replied with all the drama of a Shakespearean actor, ‘is a… pig.’
‘What did he do?’
Hortense gave an exaggerated shudder. ‘My dear girl, I couldn’t possibly talk about it.’
‘Oh. OK.’
‘His wife,’ Hortense said, clearly forgetting that she couldn’t possibly talk about it.
‘Ex-wife,’ Esme corrected, immediately regretting the impulse. Hortense looked as if she might explode.
‘So he says. In name only, it would appear.’
‘What? What has she done?’
‘She doesn’t stop phoning him! And last night we were… well, let’s just say it was a delicate situation to interrupt. And do you know what that pig did?’
‘What?’
‘He answered the phone! Left me there like…’
‘Perhaps Brian was worried it was an emergency,’ Esme interrupted hastily.
‘Nothing could be that important! She’s his ex-wife, and she should be phoning somebody else for her emergencies!’
‘It does sound as if they’re actually still quite close.’
‘Doesn’t it just!’ Hortense slapped a hand on the table. ‘It sounds as if they still want to be married!’
‘I’m sure it’s not like that. I suppose they’ve just stayed friends. After all, I don’t think the only reason Brian sends her all those photos is to rub her face in their divorce because I don’t think he’s really like that. I think he just says it to look as if he doesn’t care, you know? I think he sends her photos because they actually still share quite a lot of their lives. As friends,’ she added hastily, seeing Hortense’s expression darken further still.
‘I’m not playing second fiddle to any wife! I have all his attention or not at all!’
Esme didn’t doubt for a minute that Hortense could claim anyone’s full attention in any situation, but she had to sympathise with Brian. He seemed like the sort of man who’d find it hard to stop caring about someone he’d once shared his life with, even if they weren’t still together, and if she was in trouble he’d want to help. Assuming that was the reason his ex-wife was calling. Maybe she’d thought his Facebook page showed him having just a little bit too much fun without her and she’d decided she ought to put a stop to it. ‘So you’re making Brian sweat a little?’
‘Oh more than that! We’re entirely over!’
Esme blinked. ‘Just like that?’
‘I threw his clothes at him right there and then. Off he went back to his own room, tail between his legs.’
Again, too much information for Esme. That was one image she didn’t want invading her thoughts. ‘You’re not going to give him an opportunity to explain? A chance to make it up to you?’
‘When you get to my age you’ll realise that life is too short to waste on anyone who doesn’t completely worship you.’ Hortense rammed half a buttered croissant into her mouth and Esme glanced across at Brian, who was chewing mournfully on a corner of toast.
‘I think he does worship you,’ Esme said. ‘He looks pretty sorry at any rate.’
Hortense swallowed. ‘It’s too little too late.’
‘You won’t even consider giving him a second chance?’
‘Life’s too short for—’
‘Second chances, I know.’
Hortense turned her attention to a Danish pastry and folded it into her mouth, washing it down with a great glug of black coffee.
‘What are you doing today?’ she asked when she’d finished chewing.
‘I hadn’t really decided.’
Esme had wondered whether it would be worth seeking out Zach or whether it would just get weird again. She’d also wondered whether she might finally broach the subject of his emotional state with Hortense and Brian to see what they thought. But that had been before the new Hortense and Brian situation and she had a feeling that Hortense might be about to hijack her non-existent plans. She also had a feeling that the only thing they’d be talking about was how much of a pig Brian was. Hortense, despite her insults, clearly still liked him. In fact, it was precisely because of the insults Esme knew Hortense still liked him.
‘Why don’t you come to the sauna with me?’ she asked. ‘That lovely girl, Inari, at the bar recommended a place to me. I thought I might try it. Do come along!’
Esme poured herself a glass of orange juice from the jug at the table. ‘I don’t know… I’m not really into that sort of thing.’
‘My dear girl, you’ll love it!’
‘Will it take long?’ Esme asked doubtfully.
‘As long as you like. We could stay there all day if you wanted to. It’s wonderful – the Finns adore them!’
Esme thought about the boring, hot cramped cubicles at Warren’s gym packed with high-cheeked women with perfect eyebrows who didn’t speak to her. If the Finns adored saunas then they were a weird race.
‘It’ll do wonders for your skin,’ Hortense insisted. ‘You’ll positively glow! You could certainly use a pick-me-up.’
Esme looked over her glass as she took a sip of juice. ‘Thanks. Has it occurred to you that I might just look like this because I’ve been up half the night driving around Lapland?’
Hortense laughed. ‘There’s no need to be offended. There’s always room for improvement, even for a ravishing little flower like yourself.’
‘Thanks, again, I think.’
‘Not at all. So you’ll come?’
‘I’m not promising anything,’ Esme said carefully. She needed a get-out clause, just in case it turned out to be the worst idea ever. ‘Where do we need to go?’
‘It’s not far away. We can go directly after breakfast. Apparently they do the most wonderful lunches there and you don’t even need to get dressed to eat.’
Esme hesitated. She didn’t suppose she had anything else planned but somehow going out with Hortense felt like irrevocably breaking up their little gang, like she was picking sides. If she did this now, it felt like a point of no return, like they could never go back to the foursome from the start of the holiday – and she’d quite liked the foursome they’d had at the start of the holiday. She might have known a relationship in the group would mess things up – they invariably did. ‘What about the others?’
Hortense sniffed. ‘They can do whatever they like. Brian is perfectly at liberty to visit the sauna or whatever else he wants to do. I won’t be doing any of it with him. And I suspect young Zachary is sleeping late after his busy day yesterday, what with all night partying and then staying out late again the following night to chase the Northern Lights. Perhaps he wouldn’t worry too much about missing our sauna day.’
‘Had you mentioned it to him at any point?’
‘I didn’t know I was going until this morning. Besides, it’s not my job. I’m not the events coordinator, you know.’
Esme was tempted to point out that Hortense usually took great pleasure in organising their activities, but she thought better of it. Her new friend was in a strange and unpredictable mood today, and Esme wasn’t sure how she felt about being consigned to the same lonely metaphorical table as Brian. She supposed at least they’d have each other, but still. And as for Zach, while she didn’t want to leave him out of anything either, she didn’t want to be the one going to his room to ask him out to the sauna. For a start she might wake him. There was also the possibility he might have Niko in there with him, and as if those two reasons weren’t enough, the way they’d parted the night before she wasn’t sure at that moment where their friendship stood.
In the end Esme decided against waking Zach and waited instead to see if he appeared for breakfast. But an hour passed and there was still no sign, and Esme had to resign herself to a day in Hortense’s company. She could have gone out by herself, of course, but as Hortense told her more about the sauna and she realised it wasn’t going to be a bit like the one at Warren’s gym, the more she wanted to try it out. After all, wasn’t it for new experiences that she’d come here? If she’d travelled all this way she might as well fit as many in as possible. Maybe Zach would keep Brian company when he finally emerged from his room. Though she still felt guilty about leaving Brian on his own, she tried to take comfort in the fact that Zach was so nice he probably would.
Because Esme had taken almost all her clothes from Warren’s flat when she’d packed for her trip, by chance her swimsuit was with her. It was lucky, because if she’d packed with any actual plan she would never have imagined she’d need it and she certainly wouldn’t have put it in. Hortense had insisted that she wouldn’t have needed it anyway, but Esme wasn’t getting naked in a wooden box full of strangers for anything. The sauna was a short taxi out of town, which Hortense had arranged as this was a jaunt not included on the list of excursions run by their tour company.
They were dropped at a log cabin. It sat on the banks of a frozen lake, surrounded by snowy woodland, and from somewhere they could hear squeals and peals of laughter. Inside they were greeted by a stunning receptionist (Esme had noticed that nearly all the Finns she’d met were exceptionally good-looking and concluded that it must be something to do with all the fresh air and snow sports) who provided them with towels and slippers and showed them to a small room bordered by high wooden benches and a stack of hot stones smoking at its centre. Esme noted a man in an extremely low-slung towel ladling water onto the stones from a bucket, which evaporated on contact with a crack and a hiss, and she hesitated.
‘Unisex,’ Hortense said briskly, shoving Esme in. ‘Nobody cares here.’
In now whether she wanted to be or not, Esme gave a mental shrug. People were definitely less uptight here – perhaps it wouldn’t be such a bad thing for some of that to rub off on her. She’d got so used to self-regulating her contact with the opposite sex – mostly in fear of Warren’s jealous rages – that it was difficult to stop, but when she really thought about it she realised just how silly this was.
After a brief struggle, Hortense managed to haul herself onto the high bench. Esme sat next to her. There were half a dozen other people in there with them, and Esme guessed they were all locals given that they conversed easily in what sounded like Finnish. Not that she knew for sure. She took a breath and tried to settle. The steam smelt like when her dad used to bring the Christmas tree home, freshly felled from the farm, and the house would be filled with the scent of Christmas. The scent on the air here, though, was overlaid by something heavier and smokier. It was pleasant enough, and as Hortense closed her eyes with a contented sigh, the tension left Esme’s shoulders and she did the same. The saunas she’d been to back home had always felt suffocating, but this, though hot, was a gentle heat, a fragrant balm for troubled bodies and minds. Now she understood why every house in Finland had one, and it was no wonder everyone here seemed so happy and relaxed.
A minute later a grunting sound coming from Hortense made Esme open her eyes again. There was a stifled giggle from across the room.
‘Your friend is enjoying the sauna,’ the woman said, and Esme realised that Hortense was snoring. She smiled.
‘We’ve had a long night – trying to see the Northern Lights.’
The woman leaned forward. Esme would have said she was about fifty, but she looked amazing – toned and clear skinned. ‘Ah! You are on vacation?’
‘Yes.’
‘How are you finding Rovaniemi?’
Esme wiped perspiration from her brow. ‘Fantastic. I love it.’
And as she said it, Esme realised that for the first time she sincerely meant it. The place had a magic about it – and not just because it was the focal point for a million childish hopes and dreams. She loved the people and the landscape; it was like nowhere else she’d ever been and, again, as they often did, her thoughts strayed to her grandma, and she only wished Matilda could have shared all these wonderful experiences with her. ‘You’re so lucky to live here,’ she said.
‘Oh, but we live in Helsinki,’ the woman said. ‘We’re on vacation too. I am Ansa and this is Milla.’ She gestured to her companion – as toned and healthy-looking as her – who smiled and nodded before closing her eyes again, unconcerned with the need to contribute anything more to the conversation.
‘You’ve come here for vacation? Doesn’t it snow enough in Helsinki?’
‘Yes.’ Ansa laughed. ‘But sometimes we like to look at new snow.’
‘I would have thought you’d want to go somewhere warm if you had snow all the time.’
‘In Helsinki the summers are actually quite hot and the days are very long. We’ve travelled Europe twice over – I have seen enough sun for now. We thought it was time to discover more of our own country.’ She stood up, and instinctively Milla opened her eyes and stood up too. ‘Would you like to swim with us?’ she asked Esme.
‘Swim? Where?’
‘In the lake – it’s just outside.’
‘But it’s frozen solid!’
‘There will be a hole in the ice. It is good.’
Esme doubted that. She looked at Hortense, who was out for the count.
‘We sit, we swim,’ Ansa said. ‘We come back, we sit a while longer and then we swim again. It is the way we do it.’
It was getting hot. Perhaps a cool dip might be nice, though Esme still wasn’t convinced that a sub-zero dip wasn’t a little bit extreme. But then she stood up. Hadn’t she promised herself she’d try new things? Didn’t she owe it to her grandma to try as much of what Rovaniemi had to offer as she could fit in?
‘We won’t be long?’ she asked. ‘My friend…’
‘It’s quite impossible to stay in the water for long. Don’t worry, your friend will not even notice you are gone.’
Esme smiled. ‘What the hell! Let’s do it!’
Ansa returned the smile. ‘This is the best way to do sauna.’
Esme loved the way Ansa said sauna, all crisp consonants and stretched out vowels, and she wished that her own accent was half so exotic and pleasing.
Outside, the cold air hit them like a slap. This was supposed to be good for you? Esme shivered as she raced across the snow in pursuit of Ansa and Milla, and in a matter of seconds they stood at the hole in the surface of the frozen lake, the water black and sluggish with icy slush.
‘We swim in that?’ Esme asked.
Ansa took Esme’s hand with an easy smile. ‘You must do it quickly. We will stay with you.’
Before she had a chance to argue, Ansa and Milla had jumped and Esme had jumped with them. There was an almighty crash, the icy water closing over her head, and then Esme fought her way to the surface, spluttering and laughing and shocked, all at the same time, hardly able to draw breath.
‘It’s freezing!’ she yelped, although she couldn’t help but remark that although it was cold, it wasn’t as cold as she’d been expecting. Perhaps being so hot in the sauna had mitigated some of the more extreme effects. But the surprise didn’t last long and within seconds the cold began to bite with more ferocity.
She gestured to a helpful ladder built into the ice, presumably to assist with getting out. ‘I should…’
Ansa nodded. She and Milla followed and all three raced back to the sauna and Esme wondered whether this might be the most fun she’d ever had with two complete strangers.
It was almost supper time when Hortense and Esme arrived back at the hotel. Esme couldn’t believe they’d spent most of the day laughing and chatting with their new Finnish friends. Once Hortense had woken things had got really raucous as she regaled them with stories that Esme had already heard but was happy to listen to again, and they became a new wide-eyed audience. Hortense had been right – saunas here were nothing like the ones back at Warren’s gym. They were a place to relax and socialise and recharge the batteries, and the day had flown by. Esme had even swapped numbers with Ansa and Milla and had promised to visit them in Helsinki with Hortense.
Now, she hurried up to her hotel room to change and fix her sauna-ravaged hair, ready for a bite to eat. The sauna staff had cooked for them around midday – salmon on an open fire served with bread and salad, which they ate wrapped in fluffy, warm towels and cosy slippers – and it had been incredible. Esme had eaten her fill – more than she’d eaten in months, but despite this she was ravenous again and looking forward to seeing what was on the menu. Maybe she’d even be able to catch up with Zach’s day. Hopefully he and Brian had found something equally fun to do, and Hortense, being so relaxed and pampered, might be in a more forgiving mood. While Hortense and Brian as a couple was excruciatingly awkward at times for their companions, Hortense and Brian apart was far worse.
When she came down again, Brian and Zach were at the bar. Esme hurried over and while Brian greeted her as warmly as ever, Zach was rather colder. It was clear she’d done something to annoy him. Surely he wasn’t still sulking about the way they’d parted the night before? Had she really been that insufferable?
‘Is Hortense…?’ Brian began hopefully.
‘She’s getting changed for dinner,’ Esme said. ‘At least I think she is. She’s in a good mood, though, if that helps.’
Brian gave a grateful smile. ‘You spent the day together then?’
‘We went to a sauna. It was actually really incredible. And we met—’
Esme stopped, distracted by a look of distaste from Zach that took her by surprise.
‘We met,’ she continued, more hesitantly than before, ‘some lovely women on holiday from Helsinki. We swapped numbers with them and everything. We might even go to Helsinki to stay with them. Perhaps you could come along.’
‘That’s good,’ Brian said, wearing the smile of the boy who was no stranger to being picked last for his school football team but wanted more than anything to show how much he still loved them. ‘I’m glad you enjoyed it.’
Esme glanced between the two of them. ‘What did you get up to?’ she asked carefully.
‘Oh, I mostly pottered about here,’ Brian said. ‘I was a bit tired, to be honest, so it did me good to have an easy day.’
‘And I didn’t know you’d gone anywhere,’ Zach cut in. ‘Because nobody told me.’
Esme frowned. Was there some rule that they had to go everywhere together? Was there a law that said she had to tell him everything she did? She’d thought about going to knock on his room, but she hadn’t done out of courtesy to him and surely he could see that.
‘So you didn’t go anywhere either?’ she asked, choosing not to respond to his pointed remark.
‘No.’
‘But you could have…’ Esme flushed. Suddenly, she got it. Zach had felt duty-bound to stay with Brian. But that was his choice and she wasn’t going to feel guilty about hers. Except that really, she did. ‘I’m going to find Hortense. We’ll probably go out somewhere in the town for dinner tonight. The atmosphere here… well, I could do with a change of scenery.’
‘Oh.’ Brian looked downcast and Zach even more annoyed, but it only filled Esme with a greater belligerence.
‘Maybe we’ll see you later,’ she said, trying to temper it. ‘For the extra Northern Lights trip they promised us. I expect you’re both going to go along and try again?’
‘I expect so,’ Brian said with forced cheer.
Esme tried to smile but nothing happened. Instead, she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to hurl something at Zach’s head or burst into tears. She held the mask well, though, and she was composed as she turned to leave them.
She’d barely made it out of the dining room when she felt a hand close around her arm and spun round to see Zach’s face close to hers.
‘I can’t believe you of all people did that,’ he said.
‘Did what?’
‘Left Brian all alone. I thought the point of our group was that nobody would have to be alone.’
‘Me? But you—’
‘Because I knew you’d take care of Brian!’
‘Right…’ Zach’s jaw tightened. ‘And did you actually know that for sure?’
‘Well, you weren’t around to ask. But I assumed—’
‘Exactly! You assumed! I came in this afternoon to find him propping up the bar looking as miserable as sin.’
‘They had a bust-up.’
‘So that means you had to take her side?’
‘I wasn’t taking anyone’s side!’
‘But you went out with her.’
‘Because I thought you’d be here.’
‘Well, I wasn’t. He was on his own.’
Esme frowned. ‘So where were you?’
‘Does it matter?’
The heat rushed to Esme’s face again. ‘No. I just thought you’d be here for him. Just like you thought Hortense and Brian would be here for me when you went off with Niko the other night.’ She pursed her lips and tried to imitate him. ‘I thought the point of our group was that nobody was left alone.’
Zach flushed now. ‘That was different!’
‘Different how?’
‘Esme…’
‘And where were you this morning? Out with Niko again, assuming that Brian and Hortense would be taking care of Esme the gooseberry?’
As soon as it was out, Esme wished she could take the comment back.
Zach’s expression darkened. ‘I needed to go somewhere.’
‘Yeah? Well, so did I.’
He stared at her, and for a moment Esme thought he might tell her where he’d been that morning. Not that he was under any obligation, but it was clear he’d been missing for reasons more complicated than a morning in bed. But he clammed up again. Without another word, he stalked off to join Brian at the bar once more. Fighting back tears, Esme made her way back to her room. Why did Zach have to be so bloody infuriating?