Thirteen
‘Mum, I’m so sorry.’
Esme sat on her bed, wrapped in a fluffy hotel robe while the feeling slowly returned to her tingling toes and fingers. She’d arrived back from the safari exhausted and exhilarated. Zach had been so patient and encouraging, she’d even been persuaded to take the controls of the snowmobile for the last fifteen or so minutes of the journey back, and it had been the most exciting thing she’d ever done – she’d felt almost invincible. They’d parted at the hotel lobby with grins on both sides. But the feeling hadn’t lasted long – two minutes on the phone to her mum had brought her hurtling back to earth.
‘I don’t want you to apologise,’ Esme’s mum said firmly. ‘We can handle Warren – don’t you worry about that.’
‘But you shouldn’t have to… this is my fault.’
‘Nonsense. It’s that silly man’s fault for making a pest of himself.’
‘My phone was dead…’ she continued. ‘The battery… Zach says phone batteries don’t like extreme cold; they shut down.’
‘It doesn’t matter, darling,’ her mum insisted.
‘I didn’t realise he’d keep calling you, but I should have done.’
‘Well, I’m glad he couldn’t call you.’ Her mum’s tone was stoic, defiant. ‘I’m glad the cold got your battery. I don’t want you dealing with it – I just needed to tell you what happened.’
Esme pulled the robe tighter and wrapped her arms around herself. ‘I should call him.’
‘No! That man has ruined enough things for you! Esme…’ Her mother’s voice softened. ‘I realise I can’t tell you how to live your life now, but I can tell you what I think about it. Sometimes you might want to listen to what I have to say.’
‘I know, and I already know how you feel about Warren. It’s not as simple as me listening to you – he needs me, that’s why he’s stressing out with me gone. I never should have left him.’
‘He’s not a puppy being left while you go out to work. He’s a grown man. I’m sure he can manage a few days without you.’
‘But he’s very… well, he gets dependent on people.’
‘I’d say it’s more that he likes to control people. I think it’s you who’s grown dependent.’
‘But you don’t understand our relationship, Mum—’
‘No, I’m afraid I don’t. All I see is a man who pulled the wool over your eyes, pretending he was free to marry when he wasn’t. Not only that, he tells you what to do and who to see. Look at what happened to us—’
‘That bit wasn’t entirely his fault.’
Her mum let out a long sigh. ‘Perhaps not, but your father and I were forced into the action we took.’
‘Look, I don’t want to keep laying blame and I don’t want to rake up bad feelings from that time again. I’m glad we’re OK now, Mum, and I don’t want things to go back to that.’
‘I feel the same; I just can’t stand by and let you get hoodwinked by that man again.’
‘I won’t be, I just—’
‘Don’t you dare think about going home early! Give in to him now and you’ll be giving in forever. He can spend time with his wife if he’s feeling lonely…’
‘You don’t know him like I do. He’ll keep calling you.’
‘And we’ll keep telling him the same thing.’
Esme paused as something occurred to her. ‘Has he asked exactly where I am?’
‘Yes.’
‘But you didn’t tell him?’
‘He already knows you’re in Lapland and he knows the resort. I’m assuming you told him that much.’
Esme gave a silent nod. She had, hadn’t she? She’d asked Warren to come and she’d even shown him the hotel online in a bid to persuade him. She stared at the opposite wall. He wouldn’t come here, would he? Surely that would be an extreme course of action, even for Warren?
‘Esme?’
‘Sorry, Mum. I was just thinking about something I need to do.’
‘You’re going to call him?’
‘I think I have to. Just to settle things. I think it will get much worse if I don’t.’
‘You don’t need to phone him on our account – I told you, your dad and I can handle it.’
‘It’s not just that.’ Esme squeezed her eyes shut. ‘I just need to talk to him. And it’s not to give in or anything. It’s just to clear things up. Do you see what I mean?’
‘I can’t say I do. Just don’t let him talk you into anything you don’t want to do.’
‘I won’t.’
‘You say that but I’m afraid you will.’
‘Mum, I can’t have him hassling you and Dad and that’s that.’ There was also the notion that he might even go as far as tracking her down in Rovaniemi, and that would be a whole new mess, but Esme didn’t mention that for fear of giving her parents something new to worry about. If they thought that, they might just get on a plane and come to her themselves, to be on hand in case he did. The idea of Warren flying out was perhaps a bit extreme, but crazy as it was she couldn’t rule it out –sometimes Warren had been known to do extreme things.
‘It doesn’t bother us,’ her mum insisted.
‘I know, but it bothers me.’
Her mother gave a loud sniff. Esme could picture the look of disapproval on her face.
‘Who’s Zach?’ she asked.
‘What?’
‘You mentioned someone named Zach.’
‘Oh, he’s one of the solo travellers. We went out today – I mean lots of us did. Together. Not just me and him.’
‘You had a good day?’
‘The best. We went on a snowmobile safari. Honestly, it was just the most incredible thing.’
‘So this Zach…’
‘No, Mum…’
‘I’m just asking. I can ask, can’t I? I’m your mum, after all.’
‘Yes, but no. Whatever you’re thinking. And I have a feeling I know what that is.’
‘Alright then.’
Esme heard a rare chuckle. Her mother was always so serious that the sound took Esme quite by surprise, especially as she didn’t see what there was to laugh about. It wasn’t often that Esme sought advice from her mum, particularly as they’d fallen out so spectacularly over the past few years, but she was gripped by a sudden urge to ask for help. She’d had her grandma before, always saying just the right thing to settle Esme’s mind, but she was gone now and Esme missed her counsel. In some ways, perhaps Matilda’s death had contributed to the fact that Esme and her mother were getting along now, and as Esme was finding herself more and more confused about her feelings, she was taken by a hope that perhaps her mum would know the right thing to say.
‘Mum… what do I do about Warren?’
‘Nothing. I’ve told you, we’re more than happy to fend him off.’
‘I don’t just mean this week.’
Her mother sighed. ‘That I can’t tell you,’ she said, her tone soft again now. ‘I think you know my opinion but I can’t force you to act on it – I think the past few years have taught us that much. The only opinion that really counts in that regard is your own. It’s the only one you’ll listen to.’
‘I’m ready to listen to yours now.’
‘I don’t think that’s quite true yet. If it was you wouldn’t even need to ask me that question.’
There was a brief silence.
‘Mum?’
Esme opened her mouth to speak but then closed it again. Her mother was right – perhaps Esme wasn’t ready yet. Her mother’s perspective on the situation wasn’t the catch-all solution she’d been hoping for, but it was probably wiser than Esme might at first give credit for.
‘Goodnight,’ she said instead.
‘You’re going to bed already? What time is it there?’
‘It feels late because it’s dark. It sort of makes you tired all the time. Until you get used to it I suppose.’
‘Not because you’re perhaps feeling low? Sleep is always appealing as the refuge of someone who doesn’t have the strength to face the world.’
‘I know, but I’m just tired. It’s hard to get used to the constant night-time here. Do you know the sun was only above the horizon for two hours today?’
‘Sounds depressing.’
‘But they have this polar twilight – it’s so beautiful. The sky is all sorts of colours you wouldn’t expect. Not really like darkness at all. I wish Grandma could have seen it.’
‘Me too.’
Coral had never been great friends with her mother-in-law, but Esme knew that when her mother said that she meant it. She’d done her best with Matilda, even when she’d disagreed with her – which had been over many things – simply because she knew how much Esme’s dad loved his mother and because of how much she herself loved him.
‘All the more reason for you to make the most of your time there and not worry about home,’ her mum added. ‘Promise me you’ll try.’
‘I will.’
‘I’d better go. Your dad will call tomorrow to check in. I think he’d really like a chat with you.’
‘He could have one now.’
‘He could but that would mean me peeling his face from the newspaper he’s fallen asleep into.’
Esme couldn’t help but laugh at the image. ‘I love you, Mum. And I’m so glad we’re friends again.’
‘I love you too, darling. Goodnight.’
Esme watched as the screen of her phone went black. She’d promised not to worry about home and she’d said she wouldn’t call Warren, but how could she leave it? How could she leave him to keep bothering her parents without trying to stop it?
She stared at the phone for a moment before she put it to one side. Not now. Tomorrow was the Northern Lights chase – the reason she’d come. If she only got to see them she could be happy to go back to England and deal with whatever was going on there. One more day – that was all she needed.
She was about to climb into bed and turn out the light when there was a thud at her door.
Hortense stood in the view of her spyhole, a vast silk dress of deep scarlet stretched across her bosom and her hair pinned up with chopsticks. Esme opened the door.
‘Sorry for the commotion, dear girl, fell into your door. The old wobbles, you know.’
Esme stared. ‘You look…’
‘Stunning.’ Brian stepped into view and took Hortense’s arm. ‘Doesn’t she look the dog’s—’ Brian gave an apologetic cough. ‘I mean, the bee’s knees?’
Esme smiled. Brian and Hortense – it looked as if it was becoming a real holiday romance.
‘You’re not dressed.’ Hortense threw a critical eye over Esme’s bathrobe. ‘Aren’t you coming to dinner?’
‘I’m a bit tired.’
‘You’ll starve to death! I’ve barely seen you eat more than a sausage today and I’m not convinced you ate all of that!’
Esme laughed. ‘I promise you I did.’
‘You simply must come to dinner.’
‘But…’
‘I wouldn’t sleep a wink if I thought you’d gone to bed on an empty stomach.’
Esme’s glance switched to Brian and the way he was gazing soppily at Hortense she suspected he had his own plans for sleep deprivation and they had very little to do with Esme’s food intake.
‘You really don’t need to worry about me,’ she insisted.
‘I don’t need to worry about a great many things but I do,’ Hortense said. ‘Please come. Zachary is already at our table saving you a seat and I think it would be a terribly uneven arrangement, just the three of us without you.’
Brian nodded in agreement. ‘I think he’d appreciate your company. I mean, we all would.’
Esme tried not to narrow her eyes. It suddenly occurred to her that some kind of double date was being engineered here. Even Hortense and Brian couldn’t be that obtuse, could they? However, Esme could see that it might be awkward and uncomfortable for Zach to sit alone with them.
‘Give me ten minutes and I’ll meet you down there,’ she said.
‘Marvellous! We’ll be waiting!’
They left, Brian propping Hortense up as she wobbled into him. He looked back, beaming, as if he had Miss World on his arm. It was sweet. Had Warren ever looked like that with Esme? Had he ever been so evidently proud of her, proud to be seen with her, flaws and all?
She closed her bedroom door and went to the wardrobe to find some clothes. It wouldn’t be a spectacular Chinese silk dress but whatever it was, it would have to do.
When Esme arrived in the dining room thirty minutes later the first course of dinner was already under way. Hortense waved from the table where she sat with Brian, but Zach was nowhere to be seen.
‘My dear girl, you’ve just missed him,’ Hortense announced as Esme sat down.
‘Zach? He’s finished dinner already?’
‘Out. Niko has stolen him away.’
‘What?’
Brian shook his head. ‘I never saw that coming.’
‘What coming?’ Esme asked, wishing that their sentences could be a little less cryptic so she could catch up.
‘He looked like he was batting for our side to me,’ Brian continued. ‘Not that I have any issue with it, of course. What a man chooses to do in his private life is no business of mine.’
‘But you could have guessed Niko was.’ Hortense nodded sagely. ‘And Zachary does work in theatre.’
‘That doesn’t make a man gay.’
‘No, but it certainly narrows the odds.’
‘I don’t agree with that! I thought you were supposed to be broad-minded!’
‘You don’t have to agree, but I’m almost certainly right. Take it from me, I have a wealth of experience in this field.’
Esme had to wonder what kind of experience Hortense was talking about, but she was too confounded by the direction of the current conversation to find out.
‘I don’t doubt you do,’ Brian said. ‘I must walk around with my eyes closed. Theatre or not, I wouldn’t have had a clue if not for whatshername at the bar. You know, the one with the long hair.’
‘Inari,’ Hortense said, heaving her bosom onto the table as if to remind him that while Inari might have long hair, she had the chest to end all chests.
‘Yes, that’s the one. Well, if she hadn’t said…’
‘I wonder where they’ve gone,’ Hortense said. ‘I bet it’s fabulous – these places always are.’
‘I wouldn’t have even imagined they had places like that here. It is Santa’s home after all.’
‘Like what?’ Hortense asked.
‘Well… gay clubs.’
‘I’m not sure what us being at Santa’s home has to do with anything,’ Hortense said. ‘Are you insinuating there are no gay people in Santa’s homeland? Are you saying that there shouldn’t be places for gay people to meet here – that there might be something unsavoury about it…?’
‘Of course not, I just meant—’
Esme held up a hand, wary of them descending into another of their lively debates. They might have been dating but that hadn’t meant undergoing personality transplants. She wouldn’t get any sense out of anyone then. ‘Hold on! I’m confused. Zach’s gone somewhere with Niko? Our snowmobile guide Niko, from today?’
Hortense nodded. ‘He was just chatting to us and he said he knew a great place to get a drink and would Zach like to go. Actually, he asked us all but I rather think he was hoping Brian and I would say no and he’d get Zach all to himself. And we thought you weren’t coming down to dinner after all because you were such a long time—’
‘So Zach said he’d go,’ Brian finished.
‘I suspect he thought he’d give us some privacy,’ Hortense continued, ‘but still, Niko’s a good-looking chap.’
Brian shook his head. ‘You say it’s a date but, honestly, I don’t know what to think.’
Esme looked from Brian to Hortense and back again. ‘They’ve gone on a date?’
Brian took a sip of his water. ‘So Hortense keeps saying. Not that I have any problem whatsoever with that if it’s true.’
‘Oh, Brian, do shut up, there’s a good chap.’ Hortense patted his hand. ‘Anyone would think you’re a raging closet case the way you keep denying your opposition. We don’t know what Zachary’s preferences are but there’s no harm in a little experimentation. Stops one getting bored. Take it from me – I know.’
Brian flushed, but far from feeling chastised, Esme suspected Hortense’s not so subtle reminder of her wild past had probably given him an inappropriate little gift. She half expected to see the dinner table start to rise in front of them. As for Zach – the news that he was gay was as big a shock to her as anyone. Not that she was an expert on the signals, but evidently she was much worse at reading them than even she herself had realised.
‘You’re sure that’s what happened?’ Esme poured herself a glass of water. ‘They’re on an actual date?’
‘They looked very friendly when they left,’ Brian said.
‘How friendly?’
‘Niko had his arm around him.’
Esme was silent. She’d already noticed that Niko was a tactile sort of man. Having his arm around someone didn’t necessarily mean anything. She had to wonder if Zach had guessed what was on the agenda when Niko had asked him to go for a drink. What did it mean that Zach had said yes? Could it be that Hortense was right about this?
Esme’s own face flushed now. All this time she’d imagined some chemistry between them – at least on her part. Although now she thought about it he’d been reserved in that regard. Very sweet and friendly, of course. Chivalrous. Massively encouraging and interested in her. But perhaps a bit too polite and courteous. In the past, when a man had been interested in her in a romantic way they’d let her know in no uncertain terms. Maybe it was just the sort of men she attracted, but Zach hadn’t shown any of that obvious lust.
She didn’t know whether to feel like an idiot or to feel relieved knowing that it had all been in her head. There was an upside to the revelation, however – she could spend time with Zach guilt-free. He was no threat to Warren and no threat to her conscience. She could tell Warren that, in fact, and he’d probably be happy that Esme was spending her time away with a very nice, caring man who wasn’t remotely interested in her in any romantic capacity.
While it solved one problem, however, it did leave Esme with a more immediate issue. While she’d been silently turning things over, Brian and Hortense were making serious eyes at each other once again. Any minute now things were going to get amorous and it didn’t matter that Zach might be gay, because she wasn’t going to thank him for leaving her with Taylor and Burton slobbering over each other while she tried to eat mashed potato and pretend she hadn’t noticed.
When she looked again, they’d already started. Great, she thought. Perfect.
There were many things she’d planned to do on this trip, but watching Brian and Hortense court wasn’t one of them. She glanced over at the far side of the room where the now-infamous Inari stood behind the bar, polishing wine glasses and looking quite bored. Maybe Esme could go and get a drink, try and engage her in some conversation. Inari might be able to tell her a little more about Niko, and maybe finding out more about Niko would tell her more about the situation with him and Zach. If there was a situation. She’d miss dinner, of course, but she could probably get room service later if she got hungry.
Looking back at her companions and realising that they wouldn’t notice if she disappeared for half an hour or so, Esme made up her mind to do just that and went to the bar.
Inari looked faintly surprised to see her there as Esme cleared her throat in a subtle attempt to get noticed.
‘Your waiter can get drinks for you,’ she said.
‘I know, but I’m not eating,’ Esme replied, perching on a stool.
‘You would like a drink?’
‘I’d love a beer.’
‘Which one?’ Inari gestured to the choice of bottles in a fridge and Esme shrugged.
‘I’ll take a recommendation from you.’
Without another word, Inari reached into the fridge and took out a bottle with an illustration of a bear on it. After opening it, she placed it on the counter and went over to the till, turning back to Esme with an expectant look.
‘Oh, please charge it to room one-twenty,’ Esme said.
As Inari keyed in the details, Esme took a sip of her drink. It was cold, a bit tart. Rather like a special Danish beer she’d once tried at a festival, though the name of that one escaped her now.
‘It’s not too busy for you tonight?’ Esme asked.
Inari went back to polishing the glasses that didn’t look as if they needed polishing at all.
‘It’s very quiet. It will get busier when dinner is over.’
‘People want drinks with their meals.’
‘Yes, but they drink them more slowly. Later they’re drinking only and much faster.’
‘You like your job here?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you do anything else?’
Inari gave a vague frown.
‘Studying or anything?’ Esme clarified.
‘No, this is my job.’
‘I bet you get to know everyone else who works around here really well, don’t you?’
‘Quite well.’
‘Especially when they come in here a lot… for the tourists, you know.’
‘Yes. Sometimes I help tourists to find tour and activity guides and it helps the guides find work.’ She smiled. ‘Do you want me to help you? I know all the good people.’
‘Maybe, when I’ve decided what I want to do for the rest of the week. I’ve already been snowmobiling and that was fantastic.’
‘Ah. With Niko?’
‘Yes,’ Esme said, inwardly marvelling at how easy that conversational segue had been. ‘He’s lovely.’
‘He’s very good. A lot of fun.’
‘And he’s… easy on the eye too.’
Inari frowned again.
‘Good-looking,’ Esme said with a little laugh.
Inari gave a knowing smile. ‘Everyone thinks so.’
‘I bet he gets a lot of phone numbers from the ladies.’
‘Yes.’
‘And I’ll bet he calls quite a few of them too.’
‘I don’t think so.’
Esme took a swig of her beer. Though the conversation had been easy to steer in this direction Inari wasn’t giving a lot away now that they were here. She supposed that was understandable when she hardly knew Esme, but it was disappointing. She decided to go out on a limb. It might very well backfire in a glorious fashion, but if what Hortense had told her was right, then the gamble might just tell her what she needed to know.
‘Although, I suppose a man that good-looking would already have a girlfriend…’
‘He’s not into girls.’
‘Oh,’ Esme said.
Inari gave an apologetic shrug. ‘Sorry to give you disappointing news.’
‘Oh, no, it’s OK. It was just idle conversation, you know. So, I expect he has a very handsome boyfriend then.’
‘His partner left Rovaniemi in the spring. He has gone to work in Stockholm and I don’t think he will ever come back.’
‘Oh. Niko doesn’t seem too sad, though.’
‘Why would he cry in front of tourists?’ Inari asked with genuine surprise, as if she couldn’t quite believe that Esme could ask such a foolish question. Perhaps it was a foolish question ordinarily, but it wasn’t really Niko Esme was trying to find out about.
‘I suppose not. Silly of me – it’s just that he seemed so cheery and full of fun when we met him – you know? It’s hard to imagine how someone can keep sadness that well hidden.’
‘He is looking for new love,’ Inari said, holding a glass up to the light to inspect. ‘In fact, he has gone to a club with someone tonight.’
‘On a date?’
Inari put the glass on a shelf. ‘I don’t know. I think maybe. I can tell Niko likes him.’
‘Does he like Niko?’
Inari turned to her with a slight smile. ‘It is impossible not to like Niko.’
Esme returned the smile, though it was tinged by a vague disappointment that she couldn’t quite understand. ‘Yes, I suppose it is.’