CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
ALEXIS
There might as well be a huge rain cloud hanging over the cottage, thick, dark and heavy. Without Grammy the old building has no life, no soul.
My foot taps against the floor as I stare at the clock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Round and round the arms go, never stopping, never ending, ticking away every second of your life. If it does stop it’s simple. You simply replace the batteries, give it another lease of life, but it doesn’t stop ticking away.
No. Time doesn’t stop just because your life has. The world doesn’t stop spinning just because yours is upside down.
‘‘She’s coming round,’’ Mum says softly, a small smile daring to play on her lips. ‘‘They expect her to be fully awake in an hour or so.’’
‘‘Does that mean we can go and see her?’’ I look away from the clock.
She smiles in response and I nod.
‘‘I...’’
‘‘You don’t have to, baby girl. She’ll understand. You can see her tomorrow.’’ Dad squeezes my shoulder and I smile gratefully.
‘‘Thanks, Dad.’’ I turn to my brother. ‘‘Are you going?’’
He shrugs one shoulder. ‘‘I guess I did promise her Vino.’’
‘‘I don’t think they’ll accept that as an excuse in ICU, Sam.’’ Dad half-smiles.
‘‘I was kidding. I guess I’ll come see her. I don’t want her getting excited though.’’
‘‘Excited? Gram? Never.’’ I roll my eyes and everyone laughs.
‘‘Come on then.’’ Mum claps her hands. ‘‘By the time we’ve got into Barnstaple and had coffee she’ll be ready for us.’’
‘‘Hospital coffee?’’ Dad mumbles to himself and kisses my head. ‘‘Why does she torture me this way?’’
I giggle slightly and the sound surprises me. I guess I got all my sadness out last night.
‘‘Be safe, baby girl.’’ Mum kisses my cheek and they leave, Bing sending me a wary look. The door shuts with a deafening sound and I’m alone in the cottage.
I walk from room to room downstairs. Gram’s trinkets line shelves, surfaces, family pictures cover every wall. The cottage is so her, so delicate yet so lively at the same time.
Delicate... I never imagined I’d have to think of her as delicate. But she is. She’s delicate like the first snowflake falling from the sky at winter, a single touch and it’s gone.
ALEC
I amble downstairs looking like shit because I haven’t slept. Every time I shut my eyes I see her face the moment she realised I’d lied. I’d betrayed her by not telling her. The moment I broke her heart.
I rub the back of my head and I hear a cough from the corner of the room.
‘‘You look like shit, boy.’’ Gran says, glancing up from the clicking of her knitting needles.
‘‘Gee, thanks, Gran,’’ I snap. ‘‘You really know how to make a guy feel good. What are you doing here?’’
‘‘Just callin’ it as I see it, Alec. Waiting for your Mum to take me shopping, same as I do every week, lad.’’ Click click. ‘‘What did you do?’’
‘‘Why do you assume I’ve done something?’’
‘‘Because you usually have. Got drunk, annoyed someone’s daughter because you slept with them and threw them into the trash pile. There’s always something, and it’s always your fault.’’ Click click. ‘‘It’s different this time, though, isn’t it? But it’s still your fault.’’
Grey eyes meet mine. Dad’s eyes. On Gran.
‘‘Yeah, it’s my damn fault.’’ I flop back onto the sofa. ‘‘I fucked up, Gran.’’
‘‘Language, Timothy,’’ she scolds.
‘‘I messed up,’’ I correct myself. ‘‘Every time. I can’t... Since he died I can’t seem to keep anything together. I finally find the person I want and I can’t even hold onto her.’’
‘‘Vi’s awake,’’ Gran says suddenly. ‘‘I spoke with Emily not too long ago. They’re heading up there today.’’
‘‘Good,’’ I say, looking out at the back garden. ‘‘I’m glad she’s getting better.’’
‘‘Said she was awake, boy, not that she’s getting better. Two different things.’’
‘‘You think she won’t make it?’’
‘‘She’ll make it what she wants to make it. That’s the beauty of Karma.’’ Click click. ‘‘You can piss it off so it throws a truckload of crap back at you, but you can fight it. You can tell it to piss off back to wherever it came from and take matters into your own hands, ‘cause what’s the use in your life if you ain’t got a say in it?’’
Grey eyes sparkle with a wisdom beyond anything I could ever hope to achieve.
‘‘You’re telling me in your own crazy way that I have to fight karma, aren’t you?’’ I ask, narrowing my eyes.
‘‘Karma hit you with a bucket load of silage because you pissed it off one time too many. It ain’t gonna give her back to you, boy.’’ She sniffs. Click. ‘‘The only person that can get that girl back is you.’’
‘‘Fight for what you believe in, never give up and never forget why you believe in the first place,’’ I echo the words Dad said to me so many times before he died. Never forget.
Never forget.
‘‘Gran you’re a fucking genius.’’ I kiss her forehead and run up the stairs, changing quickly.
‘‘Language!’’ Gran yells as I fly out of the front door and into my car.
She just has to remember. She just has to remember about us. I can’t let her forget about us.
ALEXIS
An engine rumbles outside and I pull the corner of the curtain to one side. A black 4x4. Hell no. Hell. Fucking. No.
I drop the curtain and run into the kitchen. A door slams. One, two, three. Knock knock. My heart beats wildly in my chest as I push against the wall to stop from running out there. If I do, I’ll either kiss him or kick him.
Actually.... Kicking him sounds pretty appealing right now.
‘‘I get it, Princess.’’ His voice drifts through the crack in the door. ‘‘I’m sorry, so sorry. I can’t even... find the words. Shit.’’ I can imagine him running his hands through his hair, shutting his eyes and kicking the floor the way he does when he’s frustrated.
‘‘I know you’re in there, but whether or not you’re listening is another story,’’ he carries on. ‘‘But I... Fuck it. I have to say it before I go mad, okay? I wish with every part of me I was in there with you, holding you and taking your pain away. In fact, I’m certain I’d do pretty much anything to be in there with you right now...’’ Tears start to slide down my cheeks and I grip the counter. ‘‘I just... I love you, okay? I didn’t plan to fall in love with you, not for a second, but I did and I can’t take that back. I wouldn’t even if I could. It’s killing me that I’m hurting you. I know I don’t deserve anything but, Princess, if you only ever do one thing for me, then never forget, okay?
‘‘Never forget how I held you under the stars, how I showed you there’s more to life than just shopping and weekend partying. Never forget everything we’ve shared in the last six weeks, all the smiles, laughter and everything else that made us as close as two people can ever be. I know I won’t. I won’t forget it, okay? So you don’t either. Never forget that somewhere along the way you became the only thing worth waking up for. But most importantly, never forget how much I love you. Never forget about us.’’
Something slides through the letterbox and I bite the inside of my cheek. I’m being torn apart again.
I hear his car leave and walk to the front door on shaky legs.
We sit on the rug. Our smiling faces covered in ice cream and he’s kissing my cheeks. Trembling, I pick up the photo.
Never forget is scrawled on the back. I lean back against the wall and close my eyes against the sting of salty tears.
How could I forget? How could I ever forget the way he made me feel? I’ll never forget the smiles, touches, racing hearts, spoken words, unspoken words, dreams of forever, promises for the future.
My fingers trace the words on the back of the photo. Never forget.
‘‘I won’t,’’ I whisper, looking away. ‘‘I’ll never forget.’’
ALEC
I pause at the car door, waiting, hoping, that maybe, just maybe, she’ll open the door and tell me it’s okay. But she doesn’t, and I don’t honestly expect her to.
It doesn’t kill the hope inside me, though. As I drive away I can still feel a little of it, a tiny dot in the back of my mind, like a seed waiting to pop out of the ground and bloom.
It doesn’t bloom. I won’t let it. Until my girl is back in my arms for good, I won’t let an ounce of hope grow.
But she’ll remember. I’ve made sure of it. The little things. She can burn the picture, delete the messages and leave town.
But I know she’ll never forget.
~
ALEXIS
Music pounds my ears as I travel into Barnstaple on the bus. After a million and one reassurances from my family last night that Gram was fully awake, I agreed to come and see her today. On the condition I came alone.
After Mum saw the picture of me and Alec, she didn’t argue.
I push the stop button and stand, gripping the rail tightly as the big, white building looms before me. I roll my shoulders against the shiver creeping down my spine at the sight and thank the driver, stepping off onto the curb. The doors open automatically and I pass past people, turning off my iPod as I wait for the lift.
Tap, tap. Tick, tock. I swallow and step into the lift, the chrome, silver walls and mirror a welcome change from the whiteness of reception.
I pay attention to where I walk this time. Corridors, turning, nurses, doctors. Just a normal workplace, I tell myself.
I press the buzzer on the door outside ICU.
‘‘Who’s there?’’
‘‘Um, Alexis Edwards. I’m here to see my Gram-’’
‘‘Come on in, dear,’’ the voice chuckles. ‘‘We’ve been expecting you.’’
‘‘Oh, okay.’’ I release it and push open the door.
I walk into the stuffy hospital room, my hands sweaty and shaking as I clasp them in front of me. They said Gram was awake – but do we have different definitions of awake? Is she talking, moving, joking?
It’s a tall order, I know, but that’s all I want.
The nurse at the desk smiles at me. ‘‘Alexis?’’
‘‘That’s me.’’ I give her a shaky smile.
‘‘She’s all you’ve talked about all morning. We’re glad to see you. She’s quite a character, your grandmother.’’ She waves for me to follow her.
‘‘Oh, you have no idea,’’ I mutter under my breath and smile widely at her.
‘‘This is you. I’ll be coming round to do her bed bath in about fifteen minutes, I’m afraid, but you can always come back after.’’
‘‘That’s okay. Thank you.’’ I smile at her and she walks off.
I gently push the curtain back and peer round it. She’s sat up in bed, jabbing at the television remote impatiently.
‘‘Knock knock,’’ I say softly.
Grammy turns her head slowly and beams at me. ‘‘Lexy girl!’’ Her voice is weak.
‘‘Hey.’’ I walk into her corner and sit on the big chair next to her bed. ‘‘How are you feeling?’’
‘‘I’ve seen....better days,’’ she rasps out with a smile. ‘‘How’s my favourite...granddaughter?
‘‘I’m okay.’’ I smile sadly and take her hand.
‘‘Everyone else?’’
‘‘Mum is better now you’re awake. Dad’s trying to take everyone’s mind off what happened and Bing is.... Well, he’s just being Bing.’’
‘‘Mmhmm,’’ she hums. ‘‘And Alec?’’
I drop my eyes to our hands. ‘‘I don’t know.’’
‘‘What do you mean? You...don’t know?’’ Grammy says.
‘‘I don’t know,’’ I repeat quietly. ‘‘But I should imagine not good.’’
‘‘What did you do, Lexy girl?’’
I stand and snatch back my hand. ‘‘Me? What did I do? I wasn’t the one who was keeping secrets from the person I claimed to be in love with. I wasn’t the one who ripped out someone else’s heart.’’
Grammy sighs, and when I look at her she’s determined. Angry determined.
‘‘I asked him...not to...tell you,’’ she begins. ‘‘I didn’t want you...to spend time with me this summer because...you felt like...you had to. I wanted you...to spend it with me...because you wanted to. And I had the...most wonderful time, Lexy.
‘‘But that’s not...what the best thing is. The best thing is that I got...to watch you grow into a young...woman...and fall in love. I watched you grow from a sullen...caterpillar...into a beautiful butterfly who...glowed at the mention of his name...and that’s...that’s all I wanted. I wanted to see...you happy.
‘‘I’m not stupid...Lexy...I know I don’t have...long left before I see...your grandpa again. But I can die a happy...woman now I’ve seen my favourite...granddaughter so happy.
‘‘Don’t...blame Alec...for what I...made him do. I can see it...in his eyes...Lexy girl...the boy loves you, and I’d wager...he’s as heartbroken as...you. Don’t let him...take the wrap for...what I...made him...do.’’
‘‘I don’t know,’’ I say softly, my eyes filling with tears. ‘‘I just don’t know, Grammy.’’
‘‘Alexis Mae, look...at me.’’
I turn my head and she’s staring at me intently, her eyes shining with truth and emotion.
‘‘Alec Johnson...is in love...with you.’’
‘‘I never wanted a summer romance, Grammy. I never wanted to be hurt.’’ A tear escapes my eye as the raw, fresh pain builds inside me again.
‘‘Lexy...’’ She takes my hand again. ‘‘You have to learn...that...you might not end up where...you wanted to be...but you’ll always...end up...where you’re meant...to be. Maybe Alec is...your meant...to be.’’
‘‘Mrs Highwood, I’m going to have to ask your granddaughter to leave now. It’s time for your bed bath.’’ The nurse smiles apologetically at us.
‘‘Of course.’’ I wipe at my eyes and try for a smile. ‘‘I’ll see you soon, okay, Grammy?’’ I kiss her cheek and she holds me tight.
‘‘I wouldn’t count on it, baby girl. I’m ready...to meet your...Grandpa once again. You...remember what...I said, and talk...to Alec. Be happy...again. I love you, Lexy girl. Always...will.’’
I pull back from her and breathe deeply to keep my tears in.
‘‘I love you, Grammy. Always will,’’ I whisper as I walk backwards.
She smiles at me, a half-there smile before I close the curtains in front of me. I know in my heart she’s already going, she’s already leaving to be with the man she’s loved her whole life.
My heart clenches as I leave the ICU ward, and I press my back against the wall, bending over as tears start to fall. I slide down the wall and hug myself tightly.
I’m crying for Alec-
for our pain of two needlessly broken hearts.
I’m crying for myself-
because I’ve never been so alone.
And I’m crying for Grammy-
because that just felt an awful lot like a forever goodbye.