CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
ALEXIS
Forever waits for no one, I know this now. There are no guarantees in life, no definitive paths we must take. The bottom line is that it’s luck. Some you get given to you, some of it is random luck, and the rest you have to make for yourself.
I lost a piece of myself when I walked away from the hospital this morning. A piece of me stayed in the room with my Grammy, to go with her wherever she might be going now.
Strangely, the fact that she’s giving in to her fate doesn’t bother me as much as it should. She’s had a long life, a happy one, and if she’s ready to go and take her place as a star in the sky, who am I to hold her back?
She always knew what was best. She was always the one to talk sense into our family with a few simple words, and that’s what she did to me earlier.
Despite having no definitive path, we all have places to go, people to meet, feelings to feel. Love, friendship and happiness are the luck you get given to you. What you do with them is the luck you make for yourself.
We all have a meant to be, whether we believe in fate, destiny, or nothing at all. Do we decide our meant to be, or do we get it chosen for us? Do we get more than one option?
If we do, what if we go through them all then decide the first one was the best option, do we get a second chance?
No. There are no second chances in life, no rewind button. You don’t get a do-over, so if you want something you have to run, smash into it and grab it with everything you have. You have to take it and hold onto it tightly before it’s too late.
One life. One chance. One love.
Maybe Alec and I are more like Romeo and Juliet than I thought. Maybe we are each other’s one tragic love, destined for disaster. But if that means I get to look into his eyes, touch his face and kiss his lips every day, is a tragic love really that bad?
The sand slips between my toes as I slowly walk onto the beach. It’s calm, quiet. The peace is only broken by the occasional breaking of the waves.
I stop at the edge of the water, letting it roll over my feet, and look up at the stars. A thousand specks of glitter sparkling in the night sky, waiting for Grammy to join them. They make me remember the last time I stood here and stared at them.
A lone tear escapes my eye.
We’re minutes apart but so far away. As I stand beneath the stars, I miss him. I miss all the little things that make Alec who he is.
I miss how his hair curls at the nape of his neck. I miss how the sun plays across his face, illuminating his captivating eyes. I miss how we laughed, how we joked. I miss how he teased me, how we could lie in silence with nothing but the beating of our hearts between us.
I miss everything he is.
If I close my eyes and believe hard enough I can feel Alec’s arms around my waist, his breath against my ear, his lips against my hair. I can feel the rumble of his chest as he laughs. And then...
Then reality intrudes.
And once again, I’m all alone with only the night for company.
I know, without him, I’m falling apart inside. Every beat of my heart, every breath I take, they’re forced. I force them to keep holding on, to keep fighting against the pain that creeps through my body every time I think his name.
For someone I never wanted to get close to, he’s holding my heart and soul in his hands.
The silence is deafening and I pull my gaze from the stars, dropping it to my feet. My hair falls around my face, creating a thick curtain, hiding me from the rest of the world.
What Gram said makes sense. I know why he didn’t tell me - but I don’t know if that actually makes it okay.
Will it ever be okay? Without him?
My stomach tightens. I squeeze my eyes shut as more tears burn them.
I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to hurt.
I want to be taken in and mesmerised by those stormy eyes. I want to curl my fingers in that dirty blonde, messy hair. I want to press my face into his neck as he holds me tight against his body.
I want to forget the pain and just - be.
My hair moves from my face and I feel fingertips brush my scalp. I know that touch.
“Princess,” he whispers. “Don’t cry.”
Damn silent sand.
I sniff and look up - away from him.
“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” His words are soft, full of emotion.
It’s been two days since I heard his voice. Those two days have seemed like an age, and my heart automatically speeds up as my ears drink his voice in like my lungs take in oxygen.
Like I need him to live, to breathe, to be.
“I...” He pauses and I risk a glance at him. He’s looking at the stars, the way I was. “Do you remember the last time we looked at the stars?”
“How could I forget?” My voice is wispy, barely there.
“That was the night I knew.”
I look up at him at the same time he looks down at me.
“That was the night I knew I’d fallen in love with you. I remember looking at you, curled in my arms with your hair fanning across my chest and thinking, ‘what did I do to have her believe in me?’”
Emotions play across his face and this time I let myself see them. Guilt, sadness, regret. He’s broken, just as much as I am. Regret floods in his eyes, swimming with the blue and grey hues of each iris.
“I never wanted to hurt you.’’ He raises a hand and cups my cheek. “If I could take it back, I would. Believe me, Princess. Every time I close my eyes I see the look in your eyes when you realised I knew about your Gram, and I hate that I put that there. I should have been there for you but instead I made it worse. Even if you can’t forgive me... Just tell me you know I never meant to hurt you.”
His hand is warm against my cheek and I turn my face into it.
“I know,” I say quietly. “I know you never meant to hurt me. But you did.”
He nods and gives me a sad smile. “Then I’ll take that.”
He makes to move his hand and I put mine over it, stopping him.
“But I forgive you.’’ Tears well in my eyes again. “I know Gram didn’t want me to know and that’s okay. Well, it’s not, but you made her a promise and I respect that. I understand, Alec.”
Hope flares in his eyes and he pushes hair from my face with his other hand.
“You forgive me?” he says in disbelief.
I nod and smile slightly. “I forgive you.”
His face changes. He smiles, his dimples showing, and steps closer to me.
‘‘Never forget, right?’’ I whisper, my eyes meeting his.
‘‘Never,’’ he says softly.
We look into each other’s eyes for what seems like an eternity. I raise my hand and gently put it behind his neck, rising up on to my tiptoes as he lowers his head.
His lips meet mine. He wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly as if he’ll never let me go again.
He’s not perfect. I’m not perfect. But you know what?
That’s okay, because I’ve realised that love is seeing other’s imperfections, and loving them anyway.