CHAPTER TWENTY
ALEXIS
The sounds of sirens wake me and I rub my eyes to clear them of sleep. I can hear shouts and frantic movements downstairs, and I jump out of bed and run downstairs.
I’m greeted by mum crying, dad comforting her and Bing pacing. Paramedics are bent over someone on the floor... Slowly, it clicks in my mind.
“Grammy?” I cry, propelling myself down the last few stairs. “Gram!!”
Bing grabs me to stop me going past him and folds me into him.
“What’s going on? What’s wrong?” I look at everyone and the paramedic turns to me.
“It looks like your grandmother has suffered a heart attack, but with her medical history it’s to be expected.”
Heart attack? Medical history?
“Just tell me she’ll be okay,” I beg as my eyes brim with tears.
His eyes reflect the sympathy he feels inside. “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you that. We’ll know more when we get to the hospital, but rest assured we’re doing everything we can for your Gram.”
I look down and the tears spill from my eyes. Gram has to be okay, she’s Gram.
She’s always okay.
I look back up as they carry her out on a stretcher. Breathing apparatus is attached to her face and she’s pale, deathly pale. My heart clenches and I want nothing more than to hug her and promise it’ll be okay.
I don’t even realise I’ve moved towards her until Bing pulls me back.
“Mum’s going in the ambulance. Dad’s gonna follow behind with us,’’ he says softly. I nod. It’s all I can do.
“Lexy, go and put some clothes on, baby. We’ll leave in five minutes.” Dad kisses my head and Bing takes me upstairs.
I throw on some shorts and a top. I don’t bother with make-up, and I barely run the brush through my hair. My phone stays sitting on the side - all the things I pride myself on are suddenly irrelevant to me.
All that matters is Grammy.
Five minutes later we leave the house.
“Where are they taking her?” I ask, staring numbly out the window.
“North Devon District Hospital,” Dad answers. “The nearest one is too small to deal with a heart attack.”
I nod again.
Heart attack.
The words swirl in my brain endlessly, ridden with pain and uncertainty. The image of her as the paramedics wheeled her out is forefront in my mind and I feel tears spill from my eyes again.
We’re silent for the rest of the drive into Barnstaple, to the hospital. Each of us are consumed in our own thoughts and worry hangs over us like a looming storm, heavy and unrelenting.
“She’s in A&E right now,” the woman at the hospital desk tells us. “It’s the next building over. If you guys go on over and let them know you’re waiting they’ll let you know when all the tests have been done. Your wife will be over there now, Mr. Edwards.”
Dad nods his thanks and we step back outside, following the path to Accident and Emergency.
The automatic doors open and I’m hit by the smell of disinfectant riddled with illness and blood. I put my hand to my face and Bing tucks me into his side. Hospitals are a horrible place. The last clear memory I have of one - of this exact one - is the day my Grandpa died. To my nine year old mind hospitals represented death, and that’s something I’ve held on to for the last nine years.
I drift through the room, taking a seat on the hard plastic chair across from Mum. She’s white, her clasped hands are shaking and her eyes are rimmed with red. Like me, she has no make up on and her hair is pulled up in a messy bun. I guess today is a day of firsts for both of us.
It’s still early so there’s barely anyone here. The local news plays silently on the television in the corner, but I’m oblivious to the written headlines scrolling across the bottom of the screen.
I remember the paramedic’s words. Medical history. I don’t even know Gram’s medical history, apart from her hip replacement. She’s healthy, isn’t she?
“Dad?” I ask. He looks at me with red eyes. “What did the paramedic mean when he said, ‘with her medical history it’s to be expected’?”
Dad sighs and his face softens even more. Wrinkles in the corners of his eyes I’d never noticed before are suddenly clear to me. Have I been so wrapped up in my own life I couldn’t even see my own father getting older?
“Your Gram has a history of heart disease. She was diagnosed two years ago, and it’s always been controlled with medication. Until now.”
The world stops as my mind processes this revelation.
Heart disease?
“Does that mean she’s gonna die?” My bottom lip trembles as I attempt to hold it together.
“Oh, baby, no,” Mum says comfortingly and moves to the seat next to me. She wraps her arms around me and rocks me the way she used to when I was child. “Not at all, it just means her heart needed a little break. It’s so full of love it had to go for a lie down.”
I know she’s lying. I even know she’s explaining it to me the way you would a child, but I don’t care.
Right now, I don’t feel like I’m eighteen, an adult. I feel the way I did when Grandpa had his stroke. I remember sitting in this very room, swinging my legs under me and asking what was going on.
The room closes in on me as the memories flood back, and I start to cry again.
“What do we do now?” Bing asks, his voice cracking.
Even my hardened big brother is breaking.
“We wait,” Dad says softly.
So we wait.
~
And we wait.
~
And we wait.
~
After what seems like a lifetime, the doctor approaches us with clipboard in hand.
“Mrs. Edwards?” He looks at Mum.
“Yes, that’s me.” She stands and shakes his outstretched hand.
“I’m Doctor Hamilton, your mother’s physician. Is this your family?”
“Yes, my husband Simon, and our children, Samuel and Alexis.”
Dr. Hamilton shakes all our hands. “I’m just coming to let you know that we’re about to transfer your mother to ICU. Our tests have shown she’s suffered a particularly nasty heart attack, most likely triggered by her heart disease, so we’ve decided the best option was to sedate her for twenty-four hours. She’s in a stable condition for now, so we have our fingers crossed she’ll wake sometime tomorrow. If you head on up to ICU in about twenty minutes, you’ll be able to pop in and see her.”
Mum thanks him profusely and he nods his goodbye.
ICU.
Intensive care.
Sedated.
Heart attack.
Numbly, I follow my family down the corridors. They’re all the same.
White.
Bland.
Plain.
Clinical.
The lift doors whir open outside ICU. I don’t remember stepping inside it.
We wash our hands with the gel stationed outside the locked doors and we get buzzed in.
I slip my hand into Bing’s and he squeezes it gently.
Mum pulls the curtains open and I hear her small gasp. Dad puts his arm around her shoulders and I close my eyes. I don’t want to look.
I don’t want to see her.
“I can’t do it,” I whisper hoarsely. “I can’t.”
“You can. Just a look and I’ll take you home. I’ll drive back for the ‘rents.” Bing tugs me forward and I slowly open my eyes.
Tubes.
Machines.
Beeping.
They’re everywhere.
Amongst them all is Gram. She’s so still, so peaceful. I kiss her cheek gently, smelling her face powder.
Of course. Only Grammy would time a heart attack for after she’d applied her powder.
I half laugh, half choke on my tears at my thoughts.
“Love you,” I whisper to her. “But I can’t stay, Grammy. I don’t like seeing you this way. I’ll be back tomorrow, so you wake up and I promise you can tease me about Alec all you like and remind me how you were right.”
Bing says something along the same lines, minus the part about Alec and plus a bottle of Baileys or Vino.
If anything will wake her up, it’s the promise of Vino.
~
Ten missed calls. Fifteen text messages. Four voice mails.
Jen. Alec. Carl.
Where are you?
Is your gram okay?
Princess you there? xxx
Mrs Banks saw the ambulance. Call me Princess xxx
The texts are all the same. I don’t bother listening to the voice mails they’ve left. Instead, I scroll down to Alec’s name in my contacts and hit the call button.
“Princess, is everything okay?”
The sound of his concerned voice travels to my ears and I break again.
“Meet... Me... Bay,” I manage between my sobs.
“I’ll pick you up in five minutes,’’ he says and clicks off. I nod although he can’t see me.
He can’t take the pain away, but he can sure make it better.
I move into the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. My dark hair is a mess, my cheeks are blotchy and my eyes are swollen from crying. I splash my face with cold water, trying to compose myself. Grammy’s face products are lined up on the tiled shelf, staring at me. I glare at them, like it makes a difference, and slam the door on my way out.
Alec is waiting outside when I open the front door. He takes one look at me and wraps me in his arms. I cling to him like he’s my lifeline, like I’m drifting out to sea and he’s the only one who can save me. I squeeze my eyes shut and he strokes my hair gently, burying his face in it.
His touch soothes me where I need it. It grounds me again, and we stand there in each others arms until I feel strong enough to speak.
“Gram’s had a heart attack,” I manage.
“How is she?” He looks at me, his blue eyes shining with worry.
“She’s in ICU. Till tomorrow at least.” I get into his car. “I didn’t stay long enough for the finer details. I hate hospitals.”
He links our fingers over the gear stick and pulls away from the kerb.
“Me, too,” he agrees. “Your parents are still there?”
“Yeah, Bing drove me back. He’s there now getting them.”
“You should have called, I would have come to get you.”
“I didn’t have my phone,” I say quietly.
The beach looms ahead of me and I can already feel its effects. The sea breeze drifting past, the calming, steady beat of the waves as they claw their way up the sand.
I jump from the car as we stop and run to the rocks. My hands press against the rugged surface as the image of Gram flashes in my mind again. My knees buckle as strong arms go round me from behind and I spin, burying my face into Alec’s chest as a fresh wave of tears come over me.
He lowers us gently to the sand, holding me tight against him.
“She has heart disease, and they didn’t even tell me. They were expecting it to happen and they didn’t tell me!” I cry, my voice gaining volume. “Even Bing knew! But me? No. No-one thought to tell Gram’s girl.”
“Sssh.” Alec rocks me gently. “It was wrong. I wish you could have been told before this happened. I wish I could have told you.”
I wish I could have told you.
The meaning of his words wash over me with a startling clarity.
He knew.
“You knew,” I choke out and pull away. “You knew my Grandmother was dying and you didn’t tell me!”
“Princess.’’ He reaches for me but I shake my head and stand up.
“Don’t you Princess me.” I laugh bitterly and turn to walk away.
Betrayal laces through my body and my heart clenches. Everything we’ve shared together, everything we’ve said and done.... He knew the whole time and he kept it from me.
I spin back around and march up to him, the waves increasing to a roar as they match the heightened emotion in my body.
“YOU KNEW!” I scream and shove his chest. He looks down and I push him again. “You’ve known from day one! She’s probably dying and I didn’t spend as much time with her as I could have! As I should have!”
“She didn’t want you to know.’’ He meets my eyes and I see the pain there but it doesn’t register in my mind. All I can feel are my own, overwhelming emotions. “She wanted to watch you this summer, she wanted you to be happy.”
“Then I’m glad she can’t see this.” I run my fingers through my hair. “How could you keep it from me? After everything? I. Gave. You. Everything, and you were hiding it all along!”
“I didn’t want to see you hurt!” Alec shouts.
“Well it’s too late!” I yell back at him. “Because now I have double the pain to deal with and no one to help me deal with it!”
“Lexy...”
“No, Alec! You don’t get to do that anymore! You betrayed me, you lied to me.” I finish quietly and walk backwards away from him. “You made me fall in love with you, then you ripped my heart out in the worst possible way.”
My breathing is coming hard and fast and I can barely see through the tears in my eyes.
I’ve never felt a pain like this.
“Don’t do this, Lexy,” Alec says in a slightly anguished tone. “Don’t walk away from me.”
I swipe at my cheeks and shake my head again. “You destroyed any chance of me walking towards you when I found out you’d kept this from me.”
I turn and begin to run across the sand, away from him, away from the pain.
“I love you!” he shouts. “I didn’t tell you because there isn’t a single part of me that could bear to see the pain in your eyes that’s there now! I couldn’t deal with the thought of tears coming from those pretty little eyes! But I guess it’s karma I should fuck everything up with the one girl I’ve only ever wanted, right?”
He’s right behind me now and I stop. The tears are falling quickly, burning pathways along my cheeks, reminding me of his betrayal.
Reminding me how he’s broken my heart, like I always knew he would.
“I love you,” he repeats quieter. “It wasn’t exactly how I wanted to tell you how I feel, but I’ve said it now.”
I can’t turn to look at him because I know if I do, I’ll collapse into his arms and I... I can’t do that.
Instead I whisper, “You don’t keep secrets from the person you love.”
A sob rips free from my chest and I sprint across the beach.
Away from him.
But not away from the breaking of my heart.
I can’t escape that.
~
The cottage is empty as I reach it. I slam the front door behind me and lean against it, sliding slowly to the floor.
My heart is shattered. I can feel tiny pieces of it flowing through my blood, racking my body with pain. There isn’t a part of me not affected by today. It’s all I feel, all I think, all I know.
Tears fall from my eyes hard and fast, my chest rising and falling frantically with every breath.
I can’t think-
I can’t speak-
I can only cry.
My world has been tipped upside down, it’s spinning on its own axis.
I’m broken. Alec has broken my heart, just like I always knew he would.
I was stupid to listen to him-
stupid to believe in him-
stupid to fall in love with him.
“Princess, let me explain!” Alec bangs on the front door and it shakes me. I ignore him. I can’t deal with him.
I don’t want to see him.
“I know you’re there, Princess. I can see you sat behind the door. Please, baby, let me talk to you.”
“I don’t want to talk to you!” I shout through my tears. “Leave me alone!”
“Princess, please.” He’s begging now.
I want him to hold me. I want him to stroke my hair and take away the pain. I want him to kiss the tears from my eyes and promise me it’ll be okay.
And I hate myself for it.
I hate that I still want him. I hate that I have to fight myself not to open the front door and collapse into his waiting arms.
“No, Alec,” I say through my tears. “Leave me alone.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Then you’ll be there a long time.” My head falls into my arms and another sob escapes me.
First Grammy, now Alec.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole again.
ALEC
I could kick myself.
The moment I saw the light leave her eyes I knew I’d fucked up. I should have persuaded Vi to tell her weeks ago, but then it’s not really the kind of thing you drop into a conversation is it?
I can hear her crying through the door. I feel helpless. I want to go to her, hold her, beg her to forgive me for keeping it from her. But I know she won’t take it.
She’s too strong, too independent. She’s too damn stubborn.
But it’s my fault, and only my fault. My own heart is clenching inside my chest and I rest my forehead against the door. I wish I could break through it. I wish I could reach for her and tuck her head under my chin.
I wish I could take everything back.
Except the I love you.
I’ll never take that back.
I bang on the door again. ‘‘I’m not going anywhere!’’
‘‘Then you’ll be there for a long time!’’ she calls back, her voice thick and heartbroken.
She’s sobbing. Actually sobbing, great big heart wrenching sobs. My whole body tenses and I snap my eyes shut, holding them closed. My jaw clenches and I’m mad.
I’m angry. At myself, because it’s my fucking fault.
I said I wasn’t going anywhere. I lied. Again. I lied to her again.
I can’t stay here, listening to her like that when she should be in my arms, crying into my shoulder, not fucking crying because of me. I should be wiping those tears and kissing the corners of her eyes.
Fuck. My chest tightens and I knock my fist against the door.
‘‘Fine,’’ I shout. ‘‘Fine, you win, Lexy.’’
I run my fingers through my hair and storm down the path to my car. I climb in, slamming the door and head back to the beach.
~
ALEXIS
Bing knocks on my door tentatively and I lift my head from my pillow slightly.
“Yeah?” My voice is thick with unshed tears.
My door eases open and he comes in slowly. He takes one look at me and his eyes narrow.
“What’s happened?”
“You know.” I put my head down and hug a pillow tight.
“No, what else? I’m not stupid, Lexy.” He sits on the bed and pushes my hair from my face.
Clouds drift by my window slowly, morphing shapes.
“He knew,” I say, tears filling my eyes again. I take a deep breath and laugh bitterly. “He knew, Bing, the whole fucking time, he knew! And you know what? He kept it from me. He lied.”
Tears course down my cheeks and I shake as hopelessness races through my body like it’s a high speed chase.
“Lexy...”
I shake my head and roll away from him, getting up.
“You knew!” I shout in a high voice. “You, Mum, Dad, Alec. You all fucking knew she was ill and you kept it from me! You all lied to me, Bing! Was I not good enough to know? Did you think it wouldn’t hurt me when I found out? Were you ever gonna tell me, huh?”
He stands and rubs his hand over his face. “Mum made the decision not to tell you, okay? Mum wanted you to be happy this summer. None of us knew Gram would have a heart attack while we were here. We thought-”
“She’d have one when no one was there to phone an ambulance?” I cry, my chest heaving. “Get out!”
“Lexy-”
“Get out, Bing! I don’t want to see you! Any of you!” I scream at him.
“Okay, sis.” He stops at the door. “When you’ve calmed down, you know where I am.”
He shuts the door and I wipe at my eyes furiously. I see the photo frame and act reflexively.
I throw the frame at my door.
Bang.
The glass shatters with my heart, pieces of both flying into oblivion. I sink to the floor, my hair in my hands. Pain, broken dreams.
Blue grey eyes seared into my mind.
I scream out a sob and lie on my side. Too much pain, too much heartbreak.
I can’t see through the tears. I can’t breathe through the heaving of my chest. I can’t think through the day’s events flashing through my mind in his eyes.
Grammy. Alec. Grammy. Alec.
The frame lies on the floor, taunting me, reminding me of what was.
Two smiling faces.
Three weeks of maybes, indecision, trust building.
Three weeks of kisses, laughing, and shared moments.
Six weeks of half-truths. Six weeks of lies, of secrets.
Six weeks to fall in love.
A second for it to all come crushing down.