CHAPTER THIRTY
MILO
“So.” Max leaned across the sticky champagne table, his eyes locked on Jenna. “That’s a pretty dress.”
He was kidding, right?
Grandma moaned in his lap.
Jayne had just run out of the room sobbing.
My mom was crying softly into my dad’s shoulder while Dad sipped champagne straight from the bottle.
The bridesmaids had gone after Jayne.
And Jason had a piece of meat pressed against his swollen eye. On the brighter side of things, at least he wouldn’t have to make eye contact with Jayne when he said his vows.
“Um, thank you.” Jenna blushed. Interesting, I didn’t know whores were still able to blush after the things they’d seen.
Grandma moaned again in Max’s lap. He patted her head and continued his conversation with Jenna. “I just love yoga.”
“Great.” Jenna’s eyes locked on Max’s lap. “Um, I think she’s stirring.”
Reid flinched in his seat, his eyes locking on Grandma’s body. Maybe he thought if he stared hard enough she’d just stay that way?
“Up you go!” Max helped Grandma to her feet. “There you are, right as rain.”
“Oh, dear.” Grandma shook her bald head as Max handed her the wig. “What a rush!” She turned to face a pale Reid. “And you, my dear, the things you do with that tongue of yours—divine. I’m in the last guest bedroom at the end of the hall if you get bored.”
With that she grabbed a glass of champagne and sauntered off.
Reid went from pale to purple.
“Shit, he’s going into shock,” Colton murmured. “Quick, someone do something! He’s not breathing.”
“Committing suicide.” Max exhaled and closed his eyes like he was in pain. “By holding his breath. Brave little tyke, well, we had a good run, Brother.” Max slapped him on the back. “A good run.”
Reid shrugged, still holding his breath.
“Dude!” Colton yelled, then ran around the table and slapped Reid across the face.
Max whistled loudly and burst out laughing. “I think this is my favorite weekend ever.”
Reid cursed and started breathing again, though I was pretty sure he was still going to be scarred for life.
“Get it together, man!” Max followed up Colton’s slap with one of his own. “Forget Grandma—you have a bride to seduce.”
“I don’t know,” Reid croaked, licking his lips. “Holy shit.”
“What?” I leaned forward and placed my hand on his muscular thigh.
“I’ll never wear ChapStick again, my lips taste like ChapStick.”
“Huh?” I asked.
Reid held my gaze, his lower lip trembling. “I wasn’t wearing ChapStick.”
“Oh,” we all said in unison.
The scraping of a chair being pushed out gathered all our attention as Jason slowly moved from his end of the table to ours, the meat still held against his eye.
Without words, because really what could the guy say—“Sorry my grandma took advantage of your man parts?”—he reached into his jacket and pulled out a flask.
Reid took it.
And drained the thing.
“Better?” Jason asked.
“Sure.” Reid’s voice was hoarse. “I may never be able to perform sexually again without Viagra and a prayer, but sure, I’m ready.”
“Go get ’em.” Jason nodded.
“You can do it.” Max seemed totally confident. “Just walk up to Jayne and let her believe you want in her pants, do that sexy look you do, and all will be well.”
Reid tilted his head to the side, still not talking.
“Bro, show me the look, show me you’re ready.”
With a grimace Reid stood. “Can’t, man. I may only have one look left in me and I’m not wasting it on my brother.”
Max reached out and gripped Reid’s hand. “We’re proud of you. What happens at the dinner table stays at the dinner table—now go steal the bride.”
“Roger.” Slowly he walked away.
“Well.” Colton clapped his hands. “This plan is going to hell fast.”
“Too many unpredictable players.” Jason shook his head. “And I would have never imagined Grandma would—attack.”
“Ever since HBO,” I whispered in a low voice. “It’s poisoned her mind.”
“Well.” Colton shrugged, then reached for the whore’s hand. “I guess one good thing has come out of this weekend, huh, Jenna?”
Grinning, she leaned against his chest and laughed. “I’d say so.”
I was cutting off his balls and feeding them to him if his lips touched hers.
“Ouch.” Max winced. “Could you please release my arm?”
“Sorry.” I let go and counted to five, so I didn’t throw a knife at her face.
“So what now?” Jason set the meat on the table. “We just continue to pretend everything’s fine?”
“Reid will pull through,” Max said confidently. “And until then we should probably go cover up”—he smiled apologetically—“your entire face with makeup.”
“Is it that bad?” Jason asked, turning so we could look at his new shiner.
His eye was beginning to swell shut.
“No.” We all shook our heads and laughed nervously.
I added, “I didn’t even notice it.”
“Me either.” Colton coughed. “It’s a really faint bruise.”
Max rolled his eyes and gripped Jason’s shoulders. “Bullshit, you look like hell. But on a happier note, at least you won’t have to look at her while she plunges her evil talons into your chest and rips your heart out. Yay you!”
Jason looked around Max’s body, directing his attention at me. “Is it normal to want to kill him half the time and then love him the other half, then want to kill him again?”
“Welcome to my world.” I sighed.
“Wait.” Max looked around. “Am I the him to whom you’re referring?”
“Jason!” Mom wailed, running into the room. “Come quick! We can’t find Jayne!”
“Yeah, because that’s going to make him want to run and join the search party,” Max grumbled.