CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
COLTON
I was seriously contemplating homicide.
I could practically feel my hands around Max’s neck. Rat cock-blocking bastard! Jason was legally blind by this point so he couldn’t have found his way down the street, let alone through the neighbors’ backyards in search of us.
Poor kid.
But Max?
Yeah. We’d have words later.
“Colt, I look terrible! My mom’s going to freak out!” Milo fastened the last button of the white shirt and put her hands on her hips, making the shirt ride up. Yeah, that was a vision I could live with for a while.
Until Max ruined it by coming up behind her and whistling.
The dude wanted to die.
“Stop staring,” I snapped.
“Whoa.” Max lifted his hands into the air. “Grouch much? You need to get laid.”
I lunged for him, but Milo blocked my way.
Max grinned and blew me a kiss.
“Son of a bitch!” I fought against my wife. “Let me at him!”
“For shame!” Max scolded. “You need to save your energy for later. Don’t you think?”
“I wouldn’t have to save my energy if you wouldn’t have peeping-Tommed us!”
“That’s not actually the right way to use that phrase,” Max said in a haughty tone. “Geez, it’s not like I brought binoculars and put a tracking device on Milo.”
“Can we have this discussion elsewhere?” Jason piped up. “You guys need to get back to the house, we need to save Reid, and it’s totally possible I forgot about Jenna.”
“Technically, Jenna’s Colton’s responsibility.” Max gave me another smug grin. “So many women, so little time, am I right, my man? High five.” He held up his hand. I briefly contemplated snapping it in half, then rolled my eyes.
“Oh. My. Hell.” Jason shook his head. “Is that—” He swallowed and started backing away.
“What?” I looked where he was pointing as a giant-ass raccoon started lumbering its way across the concrete.
“How did you even see that, Cyclops?” Max whispered.
“I think I’ve finally finished my mutation.” Jason backed away. “Pretty soon Professor X is going to come searching for me and I’m going to go to a better place, away from evil people like my sister who like to inflict pain on mankind.”
“Take a hit like a man.” Milo gripped my hand. “Be the man, Jason.”
“Shh.” Max put his hands up for silence. “No sudden movements. Raccoons can smell fear.”
“No they can’t,” I argued.
“They can!” Max’s voice sounded desperate. “I saw it on the Discovery Channel.”
“You watched a show on raccoons?” I asked. “By choice?”
“I like animals, okay!” Max said. “Sue me.”
“Guys!” Milo gripped my hand tighter. “We can go out right here, come on.”
We moved slowly toward the other side of the yard and opened the gate. The hinges creaked.
“No fear!” Max shouted just as the raccoon started charging us. “Every man for himself!” Max ran past me and Milo.
Jason followed, but because his depth perception was off he hit the actual fence instead of the gate. I grabbed him right before he fell into the raccoon’s clutches.
“Git!” I yelled at the furry creature. It backed away and sauntered off.
“Holy shit, you’re the One!” Max started clapping. “We’ve been searching for you for decades! Finally, the One! The raccoon whisperer.” He bowed. “I’m not worthy.”
“Shut up.” I pushed Jason into Max and grabbed Milo.
“Are you wearing a Star Wars shirt?” she asked once we were safely out of earshot of Jason and Max, who were arguing over The Matrix movie facts.
“It’s a figment of your imagination.” I cleared my throat and looked away.
“You love me.”
“I do.”
“You’re wearing a Star Wars shirt.”
I paused and pulled her into my arms. “So you’re saying I’m badass now.”
“You have an R2-D2 on your shirt.” Max came up behind me and slapped my back. “Badass probably isn’t the phrase I’d use . . . just sayin’.”
I lunged again.
Milo shook her head and kissed me softly across the mouth. “Leave it . . .” With a shy smile she stood up on her tiptoes and whispered in my ear, “That way I can rip it off later. You know, return the favor.”
“Hell, yes.”
“If you’re done taking advantage of my sister—you guys have a party to return to.”
“Oh, look!” Max pointed toward the sky. “See, I told you Reid would be fine.”
I looked up. “Well, shit.”
“He’s not fine.” Milo groaned and covered her face with her hands. “He’s on the roof!”
“I knew I should have locked him in the bathroom.” Max tapped his chin. “Oh, look, Grandma’s with him too!”
“He’s going to jump.” Jason shivered and wrapped his good arm around his core. “I can’t even blame him.”
“Reid!” Max yelled. “Are you okay?”
Reid just stared.
I couldn’t see his eyes but I imagined they were full of fear, terror, horror. “Reid! Sweetie! It’s so high up here!” Grandma started moving toward him. Reid turned and walked closer to the edge.
“Walk away from the light, Reid!” Jason shouted up at him. “It’s not worth it, just, just let her—you know—and then it will all be over with.”
“Truth!” Max said. “She’ll probably fall asleep afterwards and then we can all get drunk and this will be like a very, very, very bad dream.”
Reid’s shoulders slumped as Grandma wrapped her arms around him and placed her head on his back. “Oh, you’re so very big and strong, you naughty boy, playing a game of cat and mouse! Well, this kitty’s all riled up and ready to play!”
“I think”—I shuddered and tried to blot out the images of Grandma—“I’ve lost all ability to perform sexually just now.”
Max sighed and elbowed me. “Should have used my diagram.”
“Not now, Max!” It was Milo’s turn to lunge.
“Oh, Reid, turn that little face around so I can give you a proper kiss.”
I swear—I just saw tears rolling down the poor kid’s face. I was willing to break into a pharmacy just so I could get him drugs.
But they didn’t sell those kinds of drugs.
The ones that made you forget.
Unless he was lucky enough to get a roofie.
One could only hope, or in Reid’s case—pray.