With my hands in my pockets I kept walking, telling myself I was doing the right thing by going there. The baseball field came into view as I emerged out of the trees. I had debated all day if I should continue my pursuit of learning more about my son. There were so many things that could go wrong with me trying to be in his life, but I was willing to put myself on the line for him.

But that wasn’t the only reason why I was at the park. I also had a hidden agenda and needed to see Luke after the disastrous night. I’d received no word from him after the floral arrangement whatsoever. It was surprising given I thought he would have followed up to see if his flowers had worked. But nothing, nada. Total silence on his part. So I guessed he assumed the ball was in my court.

I figured the decent thing to do would be to give him one last chance before calling it quits. I owed that much to myself… my feelings had grown exponentially for him, and I was in danger of it becoming more than just lust. If he was truly an asshole, it was better to find out for sure and then move on, than pine for him. The obvious place I thought I’d start looking was the baseball field. If all went well I’d be killing two birds with one stone; spending some time with James and Luke.

As I approached the small cluster of kids and adults—the session finishing up—I couldn’t seem to spot Luke anywhere. He should’ve been right in the center of the chaos, surrounded by the squealing, happy kids. Instead there was a short guy giving them high-fives as they exited the field, his hat clearly marked “coach.” I hung back until nearly all of the kids were off of the field before I approached the imposter.

“Hi,” I said brightly, attempting not to look desperately. “Can I ask where Luke is tonight?”

“Luke?” he asked, giving me a grin. “What’s he done now? How do you know him? Hey don’t I know you from somewhere?”

“Erm, we’re just friends, and I think we met at Friction once,” I said, returning his smile with one of my own.

“Oh, yeah!”

“So, he’s not sick, is he?”

“Nah,” he replied as one of the kids ran up to him and threw his arms around his waist. The new coach gave him a tight hug before the little boy ran to the fence. The coach followed the kids’ movements looking in the distance, and his face softened. His gaze had fallen onto a pretty woman, one I thought I recognized, and her arms were now wrapped around presumably her son. “Is that your wife?”

“Nah,” he answered again. “But she might be mine soon… one day. Maybe they both will.” He paused and then quickly added as an explanation, “I want to adopt her kid, you see. He’s great.”

“That’s wonderful,” I answered honestly, feeling the tears clog my throat. That was how it should be. “So, anyway. Where’s Luke again?”

“Oh yeah, right. Well, you don’t look like a psycho so I think it’ll be all right to tell you.”

“Gee, thanks.”

He gave me a little shrug. “He’s working some extra hours this week. Said he needed the funds. It was my idea for him to cover this Little League in the first place and hell, he was a natural, but I kinda owed him so here I am picking up his slack.”

“Yeah, I agree, he seems pretty great with the kids,” I said slowly, thinking of how the kids loved him from the very first day. “So will he be back?”

“Man, I hope so, I’m a crap coach,” the coach replied, giving me an apologetic smile. “Hey, I really need to go. The kid hasn’t had supper yet.”

“Oh, sure, of course,” I responded, stepping back. I watched as he jogged happily over to the woman and her child, throwing his arm around her shoulder before taking the boy’s hand.

“Ms. Young?”

I looked down to see James at my side, an apprehensive look on his face and a smudge of dirt on his nose. He looked adorable and my heart constricted. Swallowing the tears, I kneeled down to his level. “Hey, James, how was practice?”

“It was good,” he said, kicking at the dirt. “We miss coach Luke, but coach Darren wasn’t half-bad.”

“I imagine you do,” I murmured, thinking the same thing. Where was he? Was his friend covering for him, or was he avoiding me?

Bringing my attention back to my boy I asked, “So what have you learned?”

“I learned how to throw a knuckleball the other day,” James said, his eyes brightening as he looked at me. “Would you like to see?”

“Of course I do,” I said, giving him a smile. Spying a forgotten glove near the fence, I picked it up and walked a few feet away. “This far enough?”

“No.”

I walked a few feet more. “What about this?”

“Yeah, that’s good,” James said, tossing the ball up in the air and catching it with his glove. I squatted and assumed the closest thing to a catcher as I could remember.

“All right!” I yelled, holding the glove up. “Give it your best shot.”

James assumed his stance as a pitcher would, looking around at the empty bases before nodding toward me as if I had given him the sign. He then wound his little arm, bent his leg, and threw the ball toward me. I caught it and was surprised to feel the sting from the force of the throw. I gave him a thumbs-up, standing. “Great job, James! Wanna go again?”

He nodded and I managed not to embarrass myself as I threw the ball back to him. We spent a few minutes just playing catch and had to say it was the happiest I’d felt in a long time.

His smile warmed my heart as I walked back to him, handing him the ball. “So,” I said needing to address the elephant in the room. “Did you get in trouble for the other day?”

He shrugged, palming the ball. “Nah. Mom and Dad never punish me. Mom cried a lot afterward, though, and I was sent to my room, but that’s it.”

“Are they good to you?” I asked, wanting to know what kind of life my son had. I had no rights, of course, since I had signed them all away, but it didn’t mean I didn’t care. I cared way too much.

He looked puzzled for a moment. “I think so. They love me and I have my own room and loads of toys,” he said, looking out onto the baseball field. “And lots of cousins to play with. Timmy is coming over this weekend to spend the night with me and mom lets us stay up all night!” He then looked at me, his expression pensive. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course,” I said, giving him an encouraging smile. “You can ask me anything.”

“Why did you give me away? Was it that I cried too much?”

It was like a sucker-punch to the gut as I struggled to maintain my composure, torn between gathering him up into my arms or running the hell away from the question. It was probably the hardest question I ever wrestled with, even though my rationalization back then was completely on point.

“No, James,” I finally said, crouching down to his level to look him in the eyes. I took his little hand in mine. “You did absolutely nothing wrong, okay? Please don’t ever think you did anything bad. I was too young to look after a baby, to look after you. Even though I wanted to so badly. I loved you so much. But I wouldn’t have been able to buy you the things you needed or give you the life you deserved.”

His little face scrunched up and for a moment I thought he was going to burst out into tears. I knew I was on the brink of it myself. I didn’t want to hurt him, and I could only hope by telling him the truth would be the right thing to do. He was old enough to understand the information I was telling him.

“Now you have a wonderful family, two loving parents who are able to take care of you, and wanted you so so much. I couldn’t have asked for anything better for my son.”

“So I’m still your son?” he asked hesitantly. I nodded and squeezed his hand. “You will always be my son, my baby, if you want to be. Isn’t that why you reached out to me in your letters?”

He nodded then. “I saw the adoption papers and wanted to know what you looked like. We do look alike, don’t we?”

“Yes,” I answered. “We look a lot alike.” I softly bopped him on the end of his nose with a finger.

“Can I ask you another question?”

“Yes, you can ask me as many as you want.”

“Who’s my dad then?”

I sighed, wishing I could give him an honest answer that wouldn’t break his little heart. I hadn’t seen his dad since the day we’d graduated high school. He barely acknowledged my existence after I had gotten pregnant, and in the months I spent homeschooling because I was unable to attend classes, not once had he come by to see how I was doing. But I couldn’t blame him either. I mean we were kids, he was probably as confused as I was.

“Your dad,” I began, searching for the right words so I wouldn’t completely throw him under the bus. “He was young like me and wanted a better life for you than we could provide you, James.”

“Oh,” James said simply, looking away. “Well I guess that’s okay then.”

“I don’t expect you to forgive me for what I did James,” I said gently, “but I’m so happy you contacted me. Especially now cause I got to meet the future most famous pitcher in all of baseball history.”

His grin was quick and I knew that the grilling of the questions was over for now. I had satisfied his curiosity for the most part. There would be more to come, and even though they would probably feel like daggers to the heart, I wasn’t lying when I said he could ask all the questions he wanted.

“I guess I better go,” he finally said after a moment. “Mom will be wondering where I am.”

“You better hurry then,” I said, feeling the tightness in my throat. I didn’t want him to go. I wanted to learn all about him, his likes and dislikes, his fears, what he wanted to be when he grew up. But I also didn’t want to seem like the instigator who was withholding him from this real family, either. If I was going to be allowed in his life, I would have to play by their rules from then on. “Go on, before she worries.”

“See you later!” he called as he ran off, disappearing from my sight a moment later. I sighed and kicked at the dirt with my own shoe, hating the fact that I couldn’t be more involved in his life. All I had was an empty apartment to go home to, a missing man/boyfriend to find, and a lot of time on my hands suddenly. But slow and steady won the race. I couldn’t rush it… and as if a light had magically turned on, I realized I couldn’t rush Luke either.

If he were a patient I would’ve given him the benefit of the doubt, waiting patiently for him to come around, building up the trust until one day the real reason for the visit would spill out. I nodded, I had to go slowly. But of course that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to not try and find him. The only way to build trust was if one was in contact with the other person.

I wasn’t dressed for a night out, but Friction wasn’t really that kind of place anyway. It was packed, though, and as soon as I entered a wall of chatter hit me. A second later the smell of sweet-stale beer wafted over me, too. The singles’ speed-dating event was on and it didn’t seem like there was an empty seat in the place. But I wasn’t there for that.

“You’re a bit late, but I can probably bend the rules and squeeze you in,” a woman said who’d appeared by my side.

“What?”

“I could squeeze you in, let you join,” she said a bit louder, “it’s the least I can do after what you went through the last time. To be honest I didn’t think I’d see you back in here.”

“Oh, no, that’s all right. I’m not here for that. Actually, I have a favor to ask.”

Her eyebrow shot up with intrigue and I motioned her to a quiet corner closer to the bar and farther away from the energetic event.

“Okay… should I be worried?”

I shook my head. “I’m just trying to find the guy, Luke, I mean—”

“Lucas, you mean?”

“Er, yeah.” Another name. I just couldn’t keep up.

“Oh, god. You’re not wanting to press charges are you?”

“What? No! It’s nothing like that. He’s actually quite sweet when you get to know him.”

“Don’t I know it,” she replied with a smile. “And it’s not what you think, either. He’s just a regular here.”

“Good, so you might know where he is?”

“Mmm,” she said and narrowed her eyes. “Why do you want to know?”

“Look, I’m not a stalker or anything. He sent me some flowers the other day after we had a bit of an argument.”

“Ha! So you’re the one he’s hung up on… At least he listened to me then, for once. Good boy.”

“Yeah,” I said blushing. “I guess I have you to thank for that then. But ever since then I haven’t heard from him or seen him. He’s not answering my calls. I’m worried… sorry, what’s your name again?”

“Ginny.”

“I’m Cara. So yeah, Ginny, I’m really worried about him.”

“Come to mention it, he hasn’t been in here either since a few days ago. Give me a moment, I might have his address somewhere in the back.”

Ginny disappeared into the depths of the busy bar and I stood wondering if I was making a mountain out of a molehill. Guys stopped calling all the time. He could’ve changed his mind after sending the flowers, thought that I was perhaps too high maintenance or not worth the effort. But something in my gut was telling me otherwise.

As I waited for Ginny to return my eyes wandered over the section of wall that was covered with a mass of postcards. Destinations from all around the world; it was an impressive collection. Like the scales of a snake they overlapped one another until there were no gaps to be seen.

“Here, I don’t know if it’s current,” Ginny said as she sidled up to me and passed me a torn piece of paper from a notebook. There was an address scribbled onto it.

“Thanks. You like to travel?”

“Ah, you found my obsession. Not that you can miss it in here, of course.”

“Looks like you’ve been to some amazing places.”

“I wish. I’ve never even left the country. Nah, all these,” she flicked a hand to the board of postcards, “are just daydreams. Pieces of other people’s adventures. One day I’ll travel, but probably not anytime soon.”

“You should, if it’s what will make you happy.”

“Maybe.” We fell silent and I folded the note and shoved it into my pocket.

“Thanks for this.”

“Ginny, we need you for the event,” a waitress called from over her shoulder.

“I better go or the singles will get restless,” she said and began to walk away but turned quickly around again. “Actually, maybe you should try the batting cages down the street first. Lucas has a thing for baseball. He tries to hide it, but he can’t fool me. I know the look of an obsessive fan. He adores baseball as much as I love tennis.”

I smiled, grateful to her and her help. “Thanks.”

The batting cages were a total bust. With a sigh I walked back to my bar. It was getting late for an unannounced visit, but what the hell, I was going to try anyway.

“Hey, pretty lady,” a voice called as I dug my keys out of my pocket.

I looked up to find two men dressed in black suits walking toward me from my car. Both were twice the size of an average man. Their three-piece suits put them completely out of place here and I knew that I wasn’t looking at a couple of men who happened to be lost. Something was seriously wrong here.

Instead of running, I put on a bright smile and kept to my stride. “Can I help you fellas with anything?”

One of them pulled his sunglasses off and forced me to stop, blocking my way. I stared into his cold eyes, a shiver racing down my spine. “Yeah, we are looking for someone.”

“Oh? I don’t work here.” I answered, placing a hand on my hip. “You probably want to ask inside then, though I think they’re closing up. So unless you’re looking for me, you might be shit out of luck.”

“Who says we’re not?” the other answered, his voice flat. I nervously shifted my stance, wondering what the hell was going on here. Why would they be looking for me? I didn’t have any unhappy clients who would want to rough me up. Or was this something to do with James’ parents, wanting to scare me off?

“Well,” I finally forced out, keeping the smile on my face, “I’m not anyone special. Seriously guys, let me past. I’m tired and hungry and just want to go home.”

The guy without shades took a step closer until he was only mere inches from me, his eyes looking me up and down. “Where is he?”

I immediately thought of James and my heart lurched violently against my chest. I would die protecting my son. “I’m not sure I know who you are talking about,” I said hastily, looking for an exit route. There was no way I was going to die out here in a crappy parking lot.

“You know who we are talking about,” the other one said gruffly, leaning forward. “We saw him coming out of your apartment the other night.”

Luke. They were looking for Luke. What for? What had he done to make these two guys want to talk or do worse to him? Was this why he was avoiding me? Did he know that these thugs were looking for him and that his life might be in danger and had skipped town? The questions went spinning like the tea-cup ride at Disneyland, except without all the happy feelings that went with it.

Was I going to die in his place, guilty by association? Hell no.

“Just tell us where Marcus is and we’ll let you pass.”

Marcus? Mark… oh for fuck’s sake. How many names did this guy have? Though I supposed Mark, the name I found noted in the yearbook, could be short for Marcus… and Lucas, the name Ginny had called him by, was the long form for Luke.

“I don’t know who that is,” I said, giving them an apologetic smile as I took two steps back. If I bolted the other direction, there was a cut in the parking lot’s fence that seemed to lead around the back of the batting cages. If I could get through and to the other side of the block, I could try to lose them in the traffic on the other side. “Sorry I couldn’t be more help, fellas,” I said clinging to my false sense of calm.

The one without shades took a moment to look at the other and I bolted, praising my hours at the gym to be able to take off in a dead sprint. My legs pumping, I shot straight for the cut in the fence that would lead me hopefully to safety and the police.

Cut ends of the mesh wire scraped my arms as I dove through and tried to pull my cell out of my pocket. But the tackle from behind came out of nowhere. One moment I was rejoicing internally that I’d managed to make it through the cut and the next I was laying face-first in the grass on the other side, my nose pressed into the blades. A knee twisted painfully in my back and I yelled out as both of my arms were wrenched behind my back, secured with something tight and strong.

“Nice try, lady, but we move faster than you think.”

I let out a curse as I was dragged upright, staring angrily at my two attackers. “What on earth do you think I can help you with?” I shouted, working at the ties at my wrists desperately. “I don’t know anything! I don’t know anyone named Marcus!”

The goon with shades held up my phone. “Maybe she’s telling the truth. But this Luke guy looks awfully like Marcus Harris.”

I stared at the screen, seeing the picture that Lucia had sent me. It had been taken at the party, one of the few times that Luke and I were actually side by side and both grinning at the camera, his arm around me casually. She had written our names digitally on the photo using one of those silly apps, and in a moment of insanity, I’d made it my background photo. Now that stupid move was coming back to haunt me.

“So, let me ask you again. Where’s Luke?”

“If you find out please let me know because I wouldn’t mind kicking his ass right now,” I spat.

The other guy grabbed me by my hair and yanked it back painfully, leering at me as tears sprang to my eyes. “Don’t make me hit you,” he said softly, his voice belying the strength in his hand. “Tell me the truth.”

“I swear that is the truth, I’ve been looking for him myself,” I forced out, the words coming out more like a sob. “We fucked, okay? He said he would call, but he didn’t. So your guess is as good as mine.”

“Fine, keep lying.” He let go then and shook his head as the other goon flipped through my phone nonchalantly.

“I got it,” he said, looking up at me. “Time to send the message.”

I looked up in time to see a fist flying toward me and sank into an inky blackness.