I cried all the way home. Mostly in frustration at what had just happened. How he’d done a complete one-eighty, going from sweet to stubborn, and then for me to find out that I was about to sleep with a liar, ugh it pissed me off. Yet I was more angry with myself for even giving him a chance. I should’ve trusted my instincts.

Why did I have to pick the losers?

Swinging into the small parking lot behind the office and my apartment, I parked the car. After a brisk walk I opened the door to my apartment then slammed it shut, wincing as I realized I probably woke up half the neighborhood with that move.

I needed a drink. I needed a friend. Hell, I needed ice cream.

Grabbing my mail before I headed to the kitchen, determined to find two out of the three at least, familiar handwriting on an envelope caught my eye and I felt the emotion well up in my chest, stuttering my breath.

Oh no, not tonight. I couldn’t do this tonight. Yet despite my reservations, I tore open the letter, my hands shaking as I read its contents. I couldn’t not open it and leave it sitting there to torture me all night.

Dear Ms. Young, I waited for you to come to my first few practices. I want to meet you. I want to meet my real mom. Please. I’m the kid with brown hair, blue eyes, and new cleats.

It was signed “James” once more in big, loopy handwriting and I sagged against the counter, the tears falling in earnest now. How could I live with myself if I didn’t meet this kid, and let him down again, when he was desperate to meet me? I needed help, I needed guidance.

Placing the letter carefully on my counter, I pulled out my cell, firing off an SOS text to Lucia. It was time for me to come clean about everything: Luke, the adoption, all of it. I had hidden it too long now and the weight was too much to bear.

It took all of thirty minutes for my doorbell to ring. Dressed in a comfortable pair of pajamas that were soft from many cycles through the wash, I found Lucia on my doorstep holding two full bags.

“You came dressed like that?”

She shrugged. “I’m getting eccentric in my old age. Here,” she stated as she walked in. “I didn’t know if this was a chocolate sort of emergency or rocky road so I brought them all. Seriously, don’t send a pregnant woman to the grocery store at midnight.”

I took one of the bags and carried it to the kitchen, my stomach in knots. I didn’t know how she was going to react to my story and the last thing I wanted to do was ruin her opinion of me. She was my only real friend, my best friend, and I couldn’t do this without her. “Thanks for coming over.”

Lucia set the other bag on the counter and started to pull out numerous ice cream containers, handing them to me so I could put them in my little freezer. “You sounded desperate in your text. Jacob understood I needed to come.” She picked out her carton and motioned to my couch. “Should we sit down or do you need to lie down for this?”

I gave a half-hearted laugh and chose a pint of chocolate myself. “I can sit.”

We walked over to the couch and got comfortable, digging into the cold treat in silence for a while.

“So,” Lucia said after a few moments, her laden spoon pausing at her mouth. “What’s up? This isn’t about Luke is it?”

I swallowed the mouthful of chocolate ice cream I had. “I don’t even know where to start,” I sighed, then stabbed the ice cream with my spoon. “This… just understand I was confused and didn’t know what was the right thing to do back then.”

“Sounds serious,” she said and set her carton aside and put her therapist face on. “Spill it. You have my full attention.”

I bit my lip and paused to look in her eyes, hoping she’d understand. Hoping she’d forgive me for not telling her before.

“I have a kid,” I rushed out. Then watched as Lucia’s expression went from worry to full-on surprise. “He’s eight and he’s started to contact me via mail.”

“Oh my god,” she breathed. “I had no idea.”

“It happened a long time ago,” I blew out, setting my carton aside and drawing my knees up to my chest. “I gave him up for adoption because I was a stupid teenager and had no way to take care of him. My mom, she refused to help me raise him, she didn’t want another child and I had no choice but to give him up.”

“Of course you didn’t,” Lucia said automatically, reaching out to touch my arm. “Gosh, I always wondered how it came about that you were older than me at college and yet in the same year. You were always vague about that.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I kinda blamed it on my mom… but really it was my own doing.”

“Cara, you’ve told me what you’ve had to go through with your mom before, not this of course, but I totally understand. And you are far from stupid, even the teen-age version of you. You did a wonderful, selfless act in order for your child to have a better life than what you could’ve provided at the time.”

“I know,” I said, my shoulders slumping. “And I fully expected to never see him again but he’s here and he’s contacting me, Luce. I tried to go see him, but I chickened out. What if he doesn’t like me? What if he asks me questions I can’t answer?”

“Oh, sweetie,” she sighed, her eyes full of concern. “You have to at least give him the chance to do all of those things. He’s reached out to you so obviously he is interested in meeting you. But if you’re not ready, that’s okay, too. Maybe he’s just curious. Aren’t you a little bit curious yourself?”

“Of course I am,” I said. “I have tried to picture what he looks like, what his favorite things are. I have all of these thoughts about him.”

She leaned back on the couch, crossing her arms over her chest. “Well then you are gonna have to meet him to get all of those questions answered. Is that why you went to a Little League practice?”

I nodded, thinking about how scared I was to be there. “Yeah. I fully didn’t expect to see Luke there either. That’s another mess I have to deal with…”

“What do you mean?” Lucia replied, the small smile on her face disappearing. “Did you not get lucky tonight?”

“No that’s the other thing,” I sighed, wishing the evening had turned out differently. “He’s going by a fake name. I think his real name is Mark, not Luke. Plus he’s from North Carolina. Who moves to Florida from North Carolina?”

“Oh my,” she said, her eyes growing round again. “Are you sure? He seems like such a nice guy. Is Luke just his middle name or something?”

I shook my head, though I really didn’t know whether it was or not. By the way he reacted to my questions, I figured that was probably a big, fat negative. “No he wouldn’t tell me why, either. He clammed up straight away. It was like I’d been out with two different people. Then I left. Why does someone hide who he really is anyway?”

“Maybe he just hated his real name and changed it? People do that don’t they?”

I shrugged. “Maybe, but this didn’t seem like that. This was different.”

Her eyes widened as if a thought just occurred to her. “Maybe he’s in witness protection!” Lucia suggested. “Or he could be an undercover cop. Oooh! Or a spy!”

“You’ve been reading too many thrillers,” I said and smiled at her overactive imagination. I mean she could be right after all, things like that did happen in real life I supposed. Either way I couldn’t be with someone who kept a secret like that… couldn’t trust me enough to tell me.

“God, Jacob is going to have a field day with this. He said something was off about the guy, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. I just thought he was awestruck by Jacob. I would have never expected this.”

“Yeah, me neither,” I sighed. “See why I needed ice cream and a friend?”

“No doubt,” she answered. “I’m sorry your life has taken a bit of a beating… but we’ll make it better I promise.”

I laughed. “Not everyone’s can be as perfect as yours is, honey.”

Lucia looked affronted. “Mine is totally not perfect. I have a kid at home who refuses to sleep in her own bed, so it’s hard to get some alone time, or a decent night’s sleep, for that matter. But beside that I am a cluster-bomb of hormones and everything Jacob says lately pisses me off. Poor guy, he can’t do anything right.” She laughed. “At least we have ice cream though!”

“I’m sorry,” I said and leaned into her. “But you kinda did get knocked up again.”

Lucia laughed again and patted her belly. “Yeah I did, oops! I’m sure we will love this one just as much as we love our Nora. At this rate, Jacob is going to have to buy a bigger bed or I’m going to come live with you so I can get some sleep.”

I thought about the family all snuggled in bed and was grateful I didn’t have to share mine with anyone… but it would be nice too. “Thank you for coming over,” I finally said. “It means a lot to know you have my back.”

“Of course I do. There’s nothing you could do to make that change,” she said, giving me a soft smile. “You’re my best friend and whatever you need from me, I will gladly do it.”

I smiled and thought about what I needed to do for myself. Forget Luke/Mark and his secrets for now, I needed to meet my son. Until I did, I was going to worry and fret over it. It was time to get my priorities in order, suck it up and just do it. And hope I survived whatever happened.