SAM BARKED OUT a laugh as he confidently folded his arms behind his head but eyed me warily. “Excuse me?”
“I said, ‘You are a dumbass,’” I repeated, but a giant smile threatened to swallow my face.
He loved me. He was also a dumbass, hence why I felt the need to inform him of such information. But, really, I was too busy fighting to keep my feet on the ground while my heart was attempting to soar away. He loves me.
A matching grin formed on Sam’s mouth. “Oh really? How’s that?”
“First, I need you to retract your declaration of love.”
He shook his head and curled his lip in disgust. “No way.”
I turned toward him and crisscrossed my legs in front of me. “You have to! I can’t talk about my ex-boyfriends after you tell me you love me! It’s bad form.”
He tipped his head to the side. “Why in the hell would you feel the need to talk about your ex-boyfriends right now?”
“Because it explains why you’re a dumbass,” I announced before bending forward to touch my lips to his. Pulling away just an inch, I whispered, “It’s a really good story, too.”
Sucking in a deep breath, he grabbed the back of my head and kissed me again. Holding me against his lips, he exhaled on a content sigh. “I’m not retracting anything, but if you absolutely must, I give you full permission to talk about your exes.”
“Okay.” I attempted to sit up, but Sam wasn’t having it.
Instead, he grabbed my leg and pulled me to straddle his lap. Then he stripped my shirt over my head in one swift movement, which was quickly followed by his own. I stared at his mouth-watering, ink-covered chest, noticing for the first time that Anne’s name was woven between the random designs. I reached out to trace my fingers over the black ink, but he caught my wrist and lifted my hand to his mouth.
Kissing the back of my hand, he said, “Now, why am I a dumbass?”
“Oh, right. Thomas Reigns, Chris Spears, Davis Long, and Lee Shultz were all distractions.”
“Jesus, did you date anyone who wasn’t in the NFL?”
“Lee plays baseball.” I shrugged.
“Anyone else?”
“Johnny Depp. But he was so weird.”
“And old,” Sam scoffed, clearly not enjoying my parade of exes.
I giggled as he cussed under his breath. “Anyway, what I’m saying is I’ve had a lot of distractions in my life. So I can say without a single doubt that you, Sam Rivers, are not one of them.”
“Levee—” he started, but I silenced him with a kiss.
“From the moment I first met you, you made the world lighter. You didn’t even know you were doing it at first. But just knowing you would be on that bridge every night soothed the madness that was ricocheting around inside my head. You made me laugh, and like Ric Flair”—I paused while he chuckled—“you made me feel special. The relief I felt in your arms made the craziness manageable. You were never a distraction to me, Sam. You were always my reprieve.”
I smiled, hoping to receive one in return, but as he traced a finger down my cleavage, concern covered the strong angles of his face.
“I fucking love that. I really do. But what if, one day, I’m not there for you? I’m worried that you won’t have the right mindset about this. I can’t fix your problems just by making you laugh.”
“Maybe not. But I’ve been thinking a lot over the last few weeks and especially today. I don’t want to learn how to cope with my old life. I want it to change. I dreamed for years about getting to where I am today, but I’ve lost myself in the spotlight. I miss writing songs, Sam. Did you know I only wrote four of the twelve on my last album?”
He shook his head and began sliding his callused hands up and down my sides. Chill bumps pebbled my skin in their wake.
“I swore I’d never be that artist. Writing music was always my passion, long before I ever even dreamed of taking to a stage myself. I started jotting down lyrics right after Lizzy died—I couldn’t even play guitar yet. Maybe that’s who I’m supposed to be, because I’m quickly realizing I might not be cracked up for the fast lane of fame.”
His hands stilled. “Are you saying you want to quit?”
“No! But maybe taking a step back for a little while isn’t a bad idea. I could write some music and remember why I wanted this life to begin with.”
He skeptically arched an eyebrow. “Levee, I think a break is a brilliant idea. But, if I’m being honest, I’m concerned that, if you don’t get some real help, you’ll find yourself spending even more time at hospitals, killing yourself in a different way.”
God, I loved the way he gave it to me straight. Which was exactly why I knew I could handle this transition with him at my side.
“I’ve always gone to the children’s hospitals, Sam. But it wasn’t until recently that it became some sort of addiction. I need someone who can help me keep that in perspective—to tell me when I start getting off-balance. I’m obsessive about stuff. It’s who I am, but I’m not irrational. Henry used to be my voice of reason, but he has his own life now, and it’s dragging us in different directions.”
Bending down, I kissed him. Then I kissed him again. Then I kissed him as if it were the very last time, and as far as I was concerned, it was. Because, on the flipside of that kiss, I wanted something brand new with Sam.
And I wanted to start it right.
“I fell in love with you when I was at rock bottom. But I’ll never be able to look back on those dark days with anything but a smile. I wanted to jump, Sam, but I never once expected the fall to go up.”
“Jesus, Levee.” He pulled me into a hug. He held me painfully tight and rained kisses over my neck and my shoulder. They weren’t sensual the way I knew Sam’s mouth was capable, but I felt every single one of them deep within my soul.
Gradually, his hands drifted to my breasts, but for the first time since we’d met, I was the one who wanted to talk.
“Wait. Listen.” I leaned away but circled my legs around his waist to keep us connected. “I love you.”
His entire face lit as his eyes smiled.
“And I need you to trust me here. I know you’re still worried about me, but I’m not going back to that place.”
His body tightened, and his eyes squinted suspiciously.
“I want to go home with you, Sam. I’ll see a therapist if that’s what it takes to make you feel comfortable, but I want to end every night with you. Your nightly phone calls and silly pictures have helped me more than any doctor ever could. Take me home and let me struggle with you.”
His head lolled back as he stared up at the ceiling. “That’s not fair. You can’t use my words against me.”
“I’m not using them against you.” I grabbed both sides of his face and tipped his lips to mine. “I repurposed them.” I winked.
He chuckled against my mouth. “Fine.”
I smiled huge. “Fine?”
He let out a resigned growl. “Come home with me, Levee.”
“Okay, okay. If you insist,” I teased.
“I officially insist.” He turned, tossing me off his lap and onto the bed.
His hard body followed, covering me completely. Holding his weight on his elbows at my sides, he lowered his mouth to mine in a hypnotizing kiss that sent heat pooling between my legs. I slid a hand down the back of his jeans and used his ass to grind against him.
“Fuck,” he hissed, his dick thickening between us. “I’m also going to insist you start birth control as soon as fucking possible. I’m done with condoms.” He pushed off the bed and, in one fluid movement, popped the button on my jeans open and dragged them off. His pants quickly joined them on the floor.
Lying in front of Sam in nothing but my bra and panties was more exhilarating than any stage I’d ever stepped foot on. His eyes turned dark and warmth washed over me as they swept up my body.
“You’ve gained weight,” he said, removing my panties.
I wanted to be annoyed, but two of his fingers filled me, and just as quickly, his thumb found my clit. It had been too long without his touch, and my legs fell open, pleading for more.
“You’ll always be beautiful, Levee. But you were too thin before. This”—he guided a hand over my stomach then up to my breasts—“is perfection.”
Pushing up on my forearms, I caught his mouth before he had a chance to straighten back up. My hand cupped the back of his neck as I held his lips to mine, only releasing when his fingers suddenly twisted inside me.
“Oh, God,” I breathed, falling back against the pillows.
Sam stood at the edge of the bed, watching me lose myself in his skilled hands. I opened my eyes long enough to find him working his thick shaft with his free hand while he stared at where his fingers were pumping inside me. He constantly licked his lips, and pure, unadulterated lust covered his face. As if he felt my gaze, his eyes flashed to mine. Absolute love shined in his golden eyes, rendering me unable to look away.
He’d been wrong. That was perfection.
“I want you inside me,” I breathed.
He didn’t answer me, but his hand disappeared as he began searching the ground for his jeans.
I sat up and took his dick in my hand, stilling him by stroking it from base to tip. “No condom, Sam.”
“We need to be safe—shiiiit.” He groaned when I leaned down and laved my tongue over the metal barbell. He threaded his fingers into my hair as I swirled my tongue around the rim of his head and over the salty bead of pre-cum that had formed at the tip.
Peeking up through my lashes, I repeated, “No condom.”
“We can’t,” he complained, but he did it while giving up on the search for his wallet and prowling after me as I scooted up the bed.
“I’ve been on birth control since I was seventeen,” I said while he silently removed my bra. “I’m clean and I’m assuming you are too. Now, fuck me bare. Please.”
His eyes flared wide, but that was the only warning I received. Kneeling between my legs, he slammed inside me. Sex with Sam was always that way.
Needy.
Fast.
Rough.
Incredible.
But, without a barrier between us and with love radiating from his eyes, it was so much more.
It was the end of uncertainty.
And the beginning of us.
For over an hour, Sam alternated between fast and hard, and slow and steady. Whispered “I love yous” echoed between us as he pushed me to the edge more times than I could count, but each time, just before I was able to step off, he’d shift gears. Finally, with a sheen of sweat covering both of our bodies, Sam planted himself to the hilt and emptied inside me as I came crying his name.
No matter how overwhelming my life was from that point forward, there was no way I’d ever be willing to give up those moments with Sam.
I couldn’t change for him. I understood that.
I was making my life a priority for myself.
But, if I got to live it with him at my side, it was an easy choice to make.